[liljobi]

Well here I am, 42 and seem to have no meaning to what or where my life is going. I feel like I am just going through motions in my everyday life. I guess maybe the easiest way to explain it is that I have felt very rutted in my existance. I feel very lost, with no direction in my life. I guess maybe if I lay it down here from the beginning of my life till now, something will give. Here it goes....

I was born on December 4, 1967 in Upstate New York. I was given up for adoption as an infant and was placed into a foster home. Roy and Theresa were my foster parents at first but then adopted me two or three years later. I found out I was adopted about age 11. I often wonder what the process was to adopt. At a very young age (cannot remember when it started, but I know it was before entering Kindergarden) my father began to sexually abuse me. (I remember only bits and pieces but I know that it wasn't right. I hated the way it made me feel.) He fondled, and touched me at first and then it began.....he started to make me perform oral, forced **** sex, then progressed to penetration). By the time I was 10 or 11 he was forcing me to have intercourse with him. At age 12 I started my period. I thought this would be my saving grace, I thought it all would end for fear of pregnancy, but I was wrong. Then came spermicides and condoms. He would come to my room at night first fondling and then prodding. I would often "pretend" to be sleeping. Sometimes this would make him get mad and shake me roughly. One day after school, I was watching an afterschool special about incest. I had so many mixed emotions after I watched it. I started to think that maybe I did something that provoked my father to do the things he did. I decided to be brave and ask him if what we were doing was incest. The only recollection I have of this is the one response that he gave me. "I'm not your father." I was floored, so much that to this day that still bothers me. I felt abandoned. Being adopted you kinda feel that way to begin with, now I felt that my feelings were affirmed. At the age of seventeen I finally decided that enough was enough. I ran away from home and decided to call the Child Abuse hotline. I was immediately placed in a foster home. (Fortunately I was placed in a good one.)

If I'm going to be honest I feel like I have just been rambling here. I really need some supportive help and friends. I have had so many problems overall that I feel so lost. I feel disconnected from family and friends, like my life has no meaning. I want to change that. That is why I decided to register and hopefully through advice, friends and a place to feel I belong I can begin the process of healing.

[Ascension]

I am glad you came here. I am sorry that you had to go through to get you to this point. This is a good place to start. Allowing yourself to talk through and get support for this is a good thing. I hope you find a home here. Thanks for sharing. We all here are honored.

[Pomegranate]

Hi Jodi and welcome to PC. I hope you find the support and friendship here that I have found. I also would urge you, if you have not done so already, to seek therapy. Please feel free to PM me, I am an incest/sexual abuse survivor also.

[amante]

Welcome and I am so glad you found PC, there are numerous posts and there's even a thread for survivors of abuse. I'm so sorry you had to go through this at the hands of your Father. I agree with pp, you definitely need to seek some T for this situation. May you find the strenght to seek help and to work through this awful situation. Sending you gentle hugs.

I hope that monster was prosecuted.

[embracinglife]

I'm so glad that you are able to share your experience with those of us here. There is a safe place for you here, hopefully to heal and grow. I am so sorry to hear of what has happened to you at such a young age. Nothing like that should ever be able to happen to any child, and I'm so sorry you had to go through it. I hope that you start to find meaning in your life. Maybe someday you will help other people to get through the pain that you must be going through right now. I just hope that you're able to work through it all okay. Do you have a counselor to talk to while you're working through this?

[KDlady]

liljobi,
You responded to my post (lost and broken). Thank you. I have found this site so helpful - and at least for me, it has been a step in acknowledging the abuse that led to my PTSD diagnosis. It is a place where we are free to rage, mourn, or cautiously hope for a better tomorrow. It is my most sincere wish for you that you can recover and reclaim your right to happiness which was stolen from you by the monsters in your past.

[Bill3]

I'm so sorry that you suffered. I'm glad that you were able to get away.

What happened in your life after you made it to a healthy foster home? Have you been in therapy? What do you do now?

[Psyched]

Hi Jodi
I'm sorry for what happened to you, & for what that man said- he is awful. I'm around your age, understand your descriptions of feeling lost, lonely & aimless, & have had some bad sexual experiences as well. I'm not ready to write about them here yet, but if you would like to PM me, maybe we can support each other.

I like what Bill3 wrote: "What happened after?" That's really what matters. I hope life will get better for you.

[liljobi]

I want to first thank you all for your words of encouragement, support and friendship. It really means a lot to me. To Psyched and Bill, the what happened after aspect of my life has been a rocky one. I've always tried to live everyday as positively as I can. It's been rough though. After I was placed in the foster home I had to start what like to call the "process". I was placed with a counselor through Catholic Family Charities. The funny part of this I will explain.

The abuse I suffered from my father spanned my whole childhood. I confided in a girl I thought I could trust at age 8 (she was 14 and babysat me) and later in my teens I ran into her. She made a mockery out of my abuse and was very cruel and mean. (She actually called me a father f*cker). My brother then became curious and wanted to know what she was talking about. (He was two years younger than me, was verbally and physically abuse by our father). I didn't know how to explain it to him, it was tramatic enough for me. I eventually explain that he was touching me in ways that were innapropriate. He then told his close friend Brian, (I believe he had a hard time with this and needed the support of his friend) and then Brian told his mom. She reported it anonymously to Social Services and before I knew it I was being called to the Prinicipal's office. My father, being the intimidating man he was, created fears in me. I was afraid of men, authority figures, getting into trouble (he also used to beat me with wiffle ball bats, paddle ball paddles, belt....leaving me bruised and with swollen welts). I was confronted about my home life by two women. Sandy and (I can't remember the other ladies name) began prodding me with questions about things at home. I knew what they were wanting me to say, but I was afraid. Afraid of the repercussions of my father, afraid of upsetting my mother, and afraid of being taken away from my brother. (Sorry if I am rambling again, it just feels good to be able to put some of it down in words.) Well the point to this is that when I was placed in the foster home at 17 and started counseling, I ran into Sandy again. What are the odds of that happening. She helped me a lot. She had me join a support group and I had sessions with her through Catholic Charities. The one thing that helped is that I had blamed myself for my abuse. I felt like I caused it and I felt like I was all alone. As far as therapy or counseling, I need to find someone for that. I have some reservations about it. I know I need to get past the anxiety so I can move on though. I have been in therapy and counseling twice in my life. The first time I had a therapist named Jan who I absolutely loved. She was the nicest woman I ever met. But four months after I began therapy, she was leaving the clinic to work in another one. I was devastated.....what was I going to do? She referred me to another woman in the office. I went to see her twice and stopped therapy. It was so difficult for me, I once again felt abandoned. I didn't feel like having to go through the process of explaining once again about my abuse. I guess I just delved into myself. Pushing all the pain, memories and feelings down within myself. I tried again about four years later to get through the whole process again and have two sessions with my "new" therapist for her to be transfered to another clinic in another state. SO, you can see my frustration, if anyone could make a suggestion as far as should I do counseling, therapy or see a psychologist it will be appreciated. Thank you all for letting me feel free to ramble on here, it is beneficial to me to have this freedom. I just hope that here is my beginning to a long process of healing and making great friends along the way. There will be more to my story, I have only just begun.

[Bill3]

There will be more to my story, I have only just begun.

Thank you for what you have been able to tell so far. I'm so sorry about the feelings of guilt, abandonment and aloneness that you experienced. I hope that you will tell us more when you are ready.

How are you doing, liljobi?

[bluesylady]

Hi liljobi, I'm so sorry to hear of all you've been through. It's not right that someone who was supposed to protect and care for you became your abuser. It's not right that this monster took away your innocence. Has he been prosecuted? You seem like a very resilient and strong person to have gone through so much and still be positive.

As far as finding a therapist that you are able to work with through the long haul, you could start by reading about how to find a good therapist. Very good information here on PC. http://psychcentral.com/find-therapist/ Once you find a few therapists you might want to work with ask them if they plan on being around for a while for the reasons you mentioned then take it from there when you go to interview them. I'm sure you'll find someone that can work through this with you and help you tremendously with your healing. I wish you all the best.

Be well and take care,
bl

[Junerain]

If you need friends, I have found my closest, dearest friends at support groups, it is conducive to opening up and just being real..

Here is a link to find a support group near you, click on the locator

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/Page..._supportgroups

[liljobi]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

How are you doing, liljobi?

I'm glad you asked. It nice to know that people do care here. I'm glad I found this site. I've been doing okay over the last couple of days. I've had a few appointments in town and have gotten out of the house which is a good thing (I may have a touch of seasonal depression). Here in Michigan the winters are very long. How has everyone else been? Please remember that I am here too if anyone needs someone to talk to.

Thank you everyone for making me feel so at home here and not afraid to say how I'm feeling or if I may be having issues. It felt really good to finally let go of some of the things that have happened to me. I've kept a lot of that in side for so long, refusing to let hurt me. I now realize that if I don't deal and cope with it in a healthy way, that it does still hurt me. I will be making a few phone calls tomorrow to possibly find a counselor, therapist or support group in my area. Thank you Byzantine , your a very warm, caring person and you made my day!

[Junerain]

PM me anytime liljobi,,,I feel a kindred spirit in you

What is going on, liljobi?

[amante]

Jodi,
I'm so sorry that you went through that, I feel positive that once you are ready to try T again, that you'll seek that help. In the meantime, lean on PC, share what you can when you can with us. Know that you are not alone and people here understand what you must be feeling. You can make a strong connection here. Gentle hugs going your way.

[jenwho]

Jodi, I understand your pain and sadness. It soon will pass. It jumps out of nowhere in to all aspects of your life. You think everything is going smoothly and then for unknown reasons you are right back in the pain, but in different circumstances. Simple things that we should not sweat at all, become bigger problems. What an emotional rollercoast for us. I too am a survivor also. Abused by my grandfather and my brother. You are in my prayers for guidance and strength to show you back to what you call normalcy in your life. Take care, jen

[WePow]

((((((((((( Jodi ))))))))) I cried reading this. Not pity for you ... but with you.
Your deep pain. I am so so sorry you were hurt by that coward. He does not even deserve the title of a man. Just a coward. Just like my father - a cowared.

(((((((((((( big safe hugs )))))))))))))))
We understand "broken" inside and that feeling that one is so lost in this world without meaning. Maybe if you know you are not alone .... maybe like me it will help ease the darkness just enough to let you smile a little.

[tiredofbadfeelings]

Jodi -

I don't think you are rambling. You just need to get these things out.

I am so sorry for all that you have had to go through. For all of the trouble and difficulty I have had in my life, it seems like nothing compared to what you have endured. I will say a prayer for you tonight. A prayer that will help you on your journey to healing. God Bless you!

Amy

[Invisible Sibling]

Hi Jodi, from Linda in So. TX.

I can't imagine how you are gonna work your way throught this, but after reading all the posts, I would say you are off to a very good start and have gotten some good advice and support. I know this is something you cannot do alone. I know because I have tried. I noticed something we have in common, besides the sexual abuse and other childhood abuse you mentioned, something I do myself and that is apologize for being. I feel like I have to say I'm sorry for taking up another persons time, etc. I have a very strong feeling of being a "burden" to everyone. It's as if I'm not worthy of anybody's help or time. Like I am so needy..I hope we will be able to share more on this site. I have so much I need to get out, but I know it is gonna take a while. Thank you for being so transparent..You didn't deserve what happened to you, but I believe you are very strong to have come this far. I will stay in touch. Linda

[billieJ]

Dear liljobie ~ your signature says such a lot! I am sorry that you had such a monster in your childhood. Vindication is certain, and we are not to worry about it. I hope you have a good therapy program, and you can rely on many here, to include me. You are invited and requested to PM me at any time that you wish to ventilate or tell your story, as it is often in the telling and retelling that we find healing. Know that you are not to blame, and that anyone who calls you names will answer for that. Blessings to you and your brother - Caring About You ~ billieJ

[AShadow721]

I can't believe this! You would think that people who adopt want children so much, that they would be great parents to them. That is just not right at all. I'm so sorry this happened to you!!! No one has a right to abuse children in anyway, it doesn't matter if they are blood or not. That "man" is a sick monster, he would say sick things like that. I hope that he was locked up for what he did! I'm glad you were lucky to get away and go to a new foster family that was good to you. And I'm glad you are trying to work through what happened to you. You deserve to have a wonderful life and it will get better.

[PeculiarGroove]

Hi,

I just wanted to say I was moved my your post - such a horrendous thing for anyone to go through - no child should ever have to deal with it. I truly hope you find all the help and support you need and I want to applaud your bravery. X