PTSD = "Thanks Dad!"

New to this particular forum. Thought this might be the right place to vent this. Or not.

Without going in to the gory details, I'll just say that my childhood can best be characterized as one filled with PHYSICAL - EMOTIONAL - and SEXUAL ABUSE. At the hands of my parents & strangers. When my parents weren't handing out the beatings and their own special brand of torture, they were unavailable - emotional neglect. So much so that when I was sexually abused by a stranger in a public restroom at about age 6, I had already figured out there was NO ONE to tell about that - for fear I'd be blamed. Enough history...

My father is still alive at age 85. I have stopped all contact with him since before Thanksgiving other than the occasional phone call. Well, yesterday - after receiving a rambling message from him (deliberatly didn't answer it, when I saw it was him) I decided to - later in the day - call him back to see if he was ok. Sure enough, after less than 10 minutes on the phone with this man, I was reduced to a 6 year old boy being scolded by his father - not heard - not considered - not cared for. Only what HE wants...

After getting off the phone I was ANGRY - I mean "pacing the floors angry." Wanted to hit something - saying to myself "Screw that crazy old MFer!" Tears - snot - the whole thing. A HOT MESS!! Did what I always do - smoked too much and ate about a 1 lb box of caramel popcorn. That was dinner... And this morning "The Tape" was playing again. The tape that says to me "This world is a scary, intimidating place." "No one gives a damn - and neither should you."

How is it STILL possible, after all these years, for a 57 year old man with over 3 years of therapy under his belt to STILL be reduced to a scared, angry, beaten little kid after a 10 minute conversation??? Over the PHONE???? God help me, but I just wish he would DIE. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the TRUTH!

I don't know if this "qualifies" for PTSD or not but what I DO KNOW is the events of growing up in that home - with those people - still haunt me today. And effect me in the most profound ways imaginable.

Any insight would be appreciated.

Lavalamp

I would have to say that yes, you are dealing with PTSD but you should go to http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm and read that article by Dr. Scaer. Because I think that you may have COMPLEX PTSD.

This article had sent me in the right direction and he has a book as well.

The other thing that you need to understand about that age group of people is that they really did not know how to raise children. In that group of people, often times when they dealt with dicipline it entailed spanking or hitting a child. And unfortunately they came from a time when most children were to be seen and not heard and they got spanked etc.

I can think of my own father who is around that age and his relationship with his son, my brother. And my brother I think had ADD and his own children have learning issues. But, I can remember seeing the frustration in my father as he tried to deal with my brother. And, unfortunately it involved spanking, hard spanking and there was so much friction between them. I could say that you could very well be my brother by what you say.

But one day I had a talk with my father and it was when he was looking back on the way he raised his son. He felt terrible because he didn't understand why my brother was always acting out and hard to handle.
And he almost went to tears because he felt he failed his son. I could see that he was man, just a man who didn't know how to raise a son and I also knew that he had seen some abuse himself.

So, before you stomp and get too angry. Remember that your father is just a man and he clearly did not know how to raise a healthy son.

There is something very different about Father's and son's relationships.
The son can grow up very bitter, very deep inside. There can even be a longing to show the man that did the damage how bad he really was and that inspite of how bad he was you were a success.

But now you see an old man who is still the same man. If only he were younger and you could physically battle him, you feel inside. Now he is too old but he still carries a threat, a bad memory from your past.

Part of your healing will include recognizing what was really there. That this was just a man, not a king. He may have ruled over you when you were young, but now your anger shows that you are still letting him rule over you. When you can learn, not to let this happen it will a path to healing.

It is a troubling path and there will be triggers that you have to face, that you are not aware of. When you were pacing and so very angry, you were experiencing a trigger. Just to hear his voice and be near him is a trigger. But you can over come that. If you are able to really look at the truth. He was just a man not a king, he was a bad father, did not give you the respect you so needed. He didn't make your childhood feel safe, he never gave you credit for being his son. But, he most likely did not know himself how to be a DAD.

I feel so sad for so many in PC world. Most of them here have similar stories and they are dealing with damage from not having a good parent, not feeling safe, not being loved. After all, ANYONE CAN HAVE A CHILD, EVEN A CHILD CAN HAVE A CHILD.

And I see all these people trying so hard to overcome all the damage having a bad childhood has created for them. And they come here to give hugs and get hugs and be validated somehow as they struggle. Those hugs that were not there when they were growing up.

So, I offer you this to help you on your journey to understanding how to heal.

Open Eyes

(((((((lavalamp)))))) i can hear the frustration and pain in your post and its pricking at my heart. i understand all to well PTSD i have it due to intense sexual, physical, emotional, and religious abuse. what you descride definitely sounds like PTSD i agree with open eyes. im new to this site and still feeling my way around. im so sorry you had to go thru what you went thru. i wish you all the best on your healing journey and know that you are not alone others understand and care do your best to take care of yourself and be gentle with your feelings and yourself

Lava - I understand. I severed ties with my family on the most part because of the emotional toll it takes on me. I know I too have felt reduced to a child by nothing more than an off-hand word. Take care of yourself and know this is not abnormal...what was done to you is the abnormal part and you are coping the best you know how. Be patient with yourself - when abuse happens so young, it creates an indelible mark, so hard to erase. Let the feelings out and acknowledge them. You have made tremendous progress in the time you've been on PC and I believe you will keep heading in that direction. Hang in there - CSC

Thanks, everybody for your responses. OpenEyes, I read your PM and will respond today at some point. Thanks for taking the time to do that.

So many thoughts. It DOES feel like the damage done is indellible. I'm a 57 year old man who by all appearances has the perfect life. A job I'm good at & one I feel I was made to do. 3 years from retirement. Live in a beautiful home with my wife who adores me. A son who is serving in Iraq - and another one who has given me 3 WONDERFUL grand babies. No worries. But on the inside I'm a twisted - scarred - broken 6 year old who's trying to make sense of it all. Who hurts and feels different and alone with his feelings. No matter how much support - or kind words - I receive it just doesn't "get in." I hear them - and they're great to hear - but I can't MAKE MYSELF feel them. I heard it one time described as like being an M&M. Hard shell on the outside - soft on the inside. Whatever.

I hope I get to the "forgiveness" part someday. Whoever said it is correct - this pain and anger IS consuming me - and making it nearly impossible to truly enjoy the life I've been given.

So for what it's worth, I've printed out my original post (somebody suggested that) & plan on seeing if my T wants to read it when we meet next week. I guess maybe together we can begin to figure all this out.

Again, thanks all for your responses. Means an awful lot!

Lavalamp

Wow....your childhood family sounds a lot like my childhood family.

I've been in T since 2005 and I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and DID. I understand what you mean about wondering how you go from mature adult to child inside in one phone conversation. I have experienced the same thing.

My perspective on this is that it has a little bit to do with mind control and programming. I look back on my relationships with my parents and I'm not sure how they did it, but they managed to implant what I call buttons, or sensors, within my body and my brain. I don't mean physically....I don't believe they ever placed any objects in my body, but I mean psychologically.

These buttons are a type of mind programming. I believe the soul purpose of these buttons is to sit within our minds and bodies and just wait until we get that next phone call, or letter, or face to face meeting. And then, these buttons/sensors become stimulated and activated by the mere presence of the sound of the person's voice, their writing style, their body language. When they become activated....the old puppet strings form immediate connections and our bodies and emotions begin to respond to the buttons and sensors without us ever being aware that that's really what's taking place.

It's mind control. Not everyone has dysfunctional family that are skilled enough to successfully infiltrate their young with buttons and sensors, but the really sick ones can....and often times it seems that even when I become aware that my buttons and sensors have been stimulated...the more I try to get rid of them, more grow back in their place.

It's gotten to the point where I have decided, as painful as it is, that I cannot, for my own health, associate with my family at this point in time until I can learn how to prevent those buttons from growing back. I have to learn to re-program myself and debunk the old programming. My problem is that the original programming was so messed up that I can't debunk it until I understand how it was put together.

This may sound realllllly weird and not reality based, but it is...totally!! It's the only way I have to make sense of what I am experiencing. The only way to metaphorically make sense of something so........crazy.

Hugs for you!!

LAVALAMP,

60 years old here, therapy for over 10 years, some things different some things the same but had to keep away from family of origin. The triggers were too great.

Be encouraged. You are not alone.

Are you feeling better today Lava?

YES it's possible to still be scared. Looks like you have caller ID. If you do why not just let it ring. You don't need the hassle. Your present life sounds fulfilling with warmth and loving you didn't have as a child. Keeping your distance is Okay and healthy.
Good luck to you. Wishing you all the best.

Well, it took about 3 days, but I'm finally "Detoxed" from my "Dad exposure." Thanks for askin CSC!! Awful nice of you to do that!!! :-)

Funny thing. I went to my Grandaugher's 7th B-Day party Saturday. There's NOTHING like the feeling of pulling up in front of their house & have 2 screaming grankids come running across the yard yelling "POP-POP!!" Just melted me! During the party - I saw myself sitting among FAMILY. My oldest son & wife their kids (my grandbabies!) - my wife - assorted relatives and even my ex-wife (oldest son's mother). Felt part of a FAMILY. Something I NEVER had growing up. I used to walk through the neighborhood until recently and be envious of the houses with all the cars out front - in the driveway. Families sharing a Holiday. Never had that when we were kids - always wanted that. Still do. But with the kids growing up and having their own families. it's harder to get them all together now-a-days.

Your absolutely right about the "buttons" they "implanted!" How many times have I left my driveway at 57 years old and within MINUTES of being at my parents home I'd be 6. Until shortly before she died we would be eating a meal & my mother would tell me to finish my milk -- AND I WOULD!! LOL!! I don't know who I was madder at - her or ME!!

Anyway, that's for another day. Me & my T meet on Wednesday & I'm guessing there will be no shortage of things to talk about.

Thanks again all for your responses - and your caring. Been looking for that for a long time.

Lavalamp

I hate when the tapes start!
I haven't seen my family for ten years.
I just can't deal with it. And their treatment is due to autism so it is never going to change. My mom has passed away and I only learned recently. I always thought I would be happy because she wouldn't be able to hurt me anymore. But I am just sad because she wasn't happy either. And now there can be no change.
roses

P.S.
Lava ... I am glad you had happy time with your children etc.
roses

Thanks roses. I haven't been in the same room with my father since before Thanksgiving. Don't plan on it any time soon. I call him occasionally when I feel strong enough, which is rare. Of course he always asks when I'm coming down to see him again & I avoid a firm response. He just doesn't get it what he does. And frankly I don't think he cares. My brother is very much like him and also doesn't understand why I've put this distance between us. Whatever. Bout time I took care of myself!

There was relief when mom died - because I didn't have to deal with the physical presence of her that wouldn't stop doing to me what she always did. But I'm now left with the sadness of what was & how I WISH it was.

And as awful as it must sound I'm looking forward to when that man dies so I don't have to deal with the continuing abuse and just deal with - again - what was & how I wish it had been.

Lavalamp

I can relate to the empty driveway of my childhood home my parents had no friends due to my mother having mental illness and my father being a gambler. His father was my abuser. I married a gambler and an abuser.

My dirveway became an empty one also. Like you I wish I had a family that was togeather like other familys. However my x husband turned my children against me due to covering up of fraudulent documents that I found. I have not dared to show my children as I do not want them to think I am just being nasty. I have six grand children that I do not see. He never contributed finacialy to there upbringing. I developed a mental illness like my mother due to all the trauma from my past and preasent truma I was experienceing at this time.

Their father did not have any place in my two son's upbringing as he was never at home he went of all around the world gambling so I bought thme up on my own.
And yet he is in there lives now after never being there when they were children. I do not understand this. Any answers

Mupps - Try to reach out to your sons, maybe they are waiting for you to make the first move. You don't have to bring up the past, just let them know you would like to be a part of their lives now. If your x obviously manipulated them, there might be some resistance on their part, but start simple and see what happens.

Just my thoughts and welcome to PC

I recently found my daughter, who I haven't seen in 20 years. She's 28 now & I understand married last summer. After me & her mother divorced her mother turned her against me. As an 8 y/o my daughter wrote me a letter saying she didn't want to see me anymore. I'm sure orchestrated by her mother. Anyway, I googled her name on a lark and found her address, phone number, and a picture. Apparently she had been involved in some kind of modeling agency & she had her own page on their site.

So now I know what my daughter looks like after all these years. And I know she lives 10 minutes from my house. A month ago I wrote her a letter asking if she would be willing to meet with me. Wherever & whenever she wanted. A public place. With a friend so she'd feel safe. Whatever. I also gave her my cell number if she just wanted to call. Still no response. It's been a month & I have to accept the fact that her no reply IS her response. She still doesn't want me in her life. I miss her so much. I would love to know if she is happy. If her husband treats her ok. I'd love to be a part of her life to whatever degree she'd be comfortable with.

But not yet. My T tells me she may not realize how important a father is in a child's life until she has children of her own. When she sees how important their father is to them. Gives me hope. But it's been a long time. I miss her.