[Bluelake]

I am an accomplished professional that was diagnosed with complex PTSD a year ago. I go to a T once a week, it was twice but I cant afford it anymore. In fact I'm in debt bc of the bills from all the therapy.
Problem is that my symptoms are getting unbearable, getting worse. I dont want to go to work, it is a struggle everyday. I have "flashbacks" driving to work. Its like a movie playing over and over in my mind. Disconnected scenes.
I so want to get over this but its just not happening. It is effecting my personal relationships bc I dont want to go out and do anything social. I recently broke off my engagement.
I feel so ashamed for being this way. Everyone thinks that I should jsut get over it.
Im seriously considering moving to the other side of the country and changing my name and doing something "artsy." But considering that I have $150K in loans from putting myself through school, that seems pretty dumb. Then I feel dumb for even thinking these things.
i feel like everyone knows and I jsut want to get away from it all-hence the move. Except, my profession requires a license and I am NOT going through that again.

[Victom4ever]

[skeksi]

Ooh, I have the urge to move when things get bad, too. It's always a nice fantasy. I know from experience, though, that wherever you go--there you (and the PTSD symptoms) are.

I think therapy for cPTSD often walks the line between teaching you to manage the symptoms themselves, which are so disruptive, and processing the memories that trigger the difficult symptoms. What are you working on in T that is making things harder right now?Or is it the reduced sessions that are the difficulty?

You shouldn't "just get over it." You can, however, work through it with your T, and things can get better. Can you go into T next week and explain how frustrated and hopeless you're feeling? Then you and your T can reshape your treatment plan.

[Bluelake]

Originally Posted by skeksi

Ooh, I have the urge to move when things get bad, too. It's always a nice fantasy. I know from experience, though, that wherever you go--there you (and the PTSD symptoms) are.

I think therapy for cPTSD often walks the line between teaching you to manage the symptoms themselves, which are so disruptive, and processing the memories that trigger the difficult symptoms. What are you working on in T that is making things harder right now?Or is it the reduced sessions that are the difficulty?

You shouldn't "just get over it." You can, however, work through it with your T, and things can get better. Can you go into T next week and explain how frustrated and hopeless you're feeling? Then you and your T can reshape your treatment plan.

Our Session usually starts with "so whats on your mind"? Then I tell her whats been going on and then she connects the feelings or behaviors to past experiences to show me the pattern. Of course, I am not even thinking of the pattern or past experience until SHE brings it up. I will call her T1. She prescribes medication and says that my condition is very sever and needs to see me 3x a week. She of course is not covered under insurance.
The other T I go to, T2 focuses more on building self esteem and my "inner family". I really like her. I feel like I should see her more often. But she says that I need time to process things because she is worried about flooding.
That I think is a valid point because everytime I start to talk about past events such as happens w T1, I dissassociate and feel like I am going to pass out. So T2 says I shouldnt see T1. T2 does not focus on past events, just how I feel and how am I taking care of myself.
I guess I just feel kind of trapped. I cant get "over" this until I go through it, but I cant go through it bc everytime work begins to integrate the memories I feel like I am going to pass out.
I find its safer jsut to stay at home. I have been avoiding dealing with people. Funny thing is that my BF is a psychiatrist!!!! He calls to see how I am doing but I just feel so stupid. We are working on professional projects togeather and I am jsut worried that he wont want to deal with me. So I have been avoiding him to. I guess just not talking to people is safer because then I dont have to lie and say Im doing fine when I'm not. There is no point in telling them what is going on bc 1. they dont understand, 2. there is nothing they can do, and 3. it makes me feel weak, vulnerable and exposed.
I feel trapped in my own mind. i am so mad that I have this.

[Open Eyes]

((((((Bluelake)))))) Oh I can so relate to what you are saying. It sounds like T2 has a better program for you. It sounds like T 1 is constantly asking you to go back and be retraumatized. It has to be done really carefully, the point is not to force you to remember things so they can pop up in front of you in flashbacks.

Have the flashbacks gotten worse since T1 has been asking you to revisit and remember?

Has either therapist discussed EMDR with you? I havent tried it yet myself but I have heard it really helps. I am going to be doing it soon.

One of the things about past trauma's is that your brain never really got a chance to process it like a normal memory and these traumas have emotions that are locked within them. That is basically why we often get the flashbacks, they can be brought on by feeling the emotions that are similar to the events that traumatized you.

Within each flashback is a message that you never got to process. So when you have them let yourself think about everything in them, sounds, emotions and try to think about what is bringing them on. And a lot of times stress can bring them on so you have to work on your stess levels.

I understand the anger at having this and that feeling of being trapped in your own mind. And I can totally relate to others just don't understand and cannot seem to help. But you know what? I think they can help by just being supportive and not telling you how to just get over something they have no experience with.

And if your boyfriend is a psychatrist he should learn to understand it. But I know that just not wanting to go out and wanting to hibernate feeling.

Do you get any relief in work, after you get there and the stess of getting there is over and you are just in your working spot so to speak?

Most tramatic events revolve around heightened feelings and fears and emotions. If you can figure out what brings your flashbacks and even the unsettled feelings on you may be better at learning how to ward them off. And it sounds to me like therapist 1 is not doing a very good job. It is not about retraumatizing you, it is about figuring out how your past disrupts today and how to finally be able to just put it into a memory. It is not happening now, it is only usually brought up by stress and uncomfortable situations or even feelings of uncertainty or having to do something your not comfortable with. And when you recall the past through flashbacks, that is what they mean.

Next time it happens don't be afraid, I know it is hard but look at everything for messages, sounds, movements emotions. Then afterwards think about it and what it was saying, it is usually a big question that happens because it was an event that was something urgent or made you feel unsafe or confused or even panick. That is what your having difficulty putting into just a memory.

For example one of the key things in many of my flashbacks was doors. I ran through them, and hid behind them very frightened. I had no idea the the sound of a door had a really bad emotional memory of fear and anxiety. The sound of doors that catch me offguard still bother me but now I know why and I get over it. I still jump and it does make me angry but at least I know what it is.

Also think about EMDR treatment, it is supposed to work but it does take time and you will feel tired.

Just know your not alone, I have the same frustrated feelings. I am working on it too.

Open Eyes

[Bluelake]

Open Eyes

Yes!!! Everytime I see T1 I go into a downward spiral. Hmmm....probably should stop seeing her, but she's really good, shes able to identify the "why". But I cant handle the why. Shes trying to get me to use my "intellectual ability" to get through this.
I actually asked her about EMDR and she said that it would not work for me because my trauma is not one or even two events. Its YEARS and layers upon layers. She said EMDR only works for specific events, memories, however you want to classify it.
As a point of clarification, BF is best friend not boyfriend.
My stress level is out of this world as I am in the legal profession. But yes, when I am able to focus on a project or case then I am ok. The problem is GETTTING the focus. Once its there I can concentrate for hours once I "get into it" its the "getting into" that is a struggle. Lately, all I want to do is sleep. And Ive been gaining weight bc Ive been drinking to numb my mind.
The meaning of Flashbacks. . . they are jsut a bunch of disconnected memories. Maybe I will keep a diary of each one and figure out how it relates to my present situation.
Please let me know if the EMDR works for you.

Open Eyes

It is not happening now, it is only usually brought up by stress and uncomfortable situations or even feelings of uncertainty or having to do something your not comfortable with. And when you recall the past through flashbacks, that is what they mean.

Next time it happens don't be afraid, I know it is hard but look at everything for messages, sounds, movements emotions. Then afterwards think about it and what it was saying, it is usually a big question that happens because it was an event that was something urgent or made you feel unsafe or confused or even panick. That is what your having difficulty putting into just a memory.

What do you mean by this?

[Open Eyes]

Gee Bluelake, I have a lot of layers as well and I was never told EMDR wouldn't work.

Well at least you can get to a spot where you can work and focus. I know what you mean about wanting to just give in and sleep. That is the depression that comes with PTSD. I struggle with that too. Are you on medications for depression? I am not on anything yet, I don't know what to try, what I have tried hasn't helped and it has been a while. But like you, I have that desire to just sleep.

You must have had something trigger all of this. Isn't it awful how somehow it just comes out and you never realized that it was storred that way? Oh I hate it, I feel so betrayed and angry that I thought I got through my past and it just somehow got storred and comes out with stress.

Well, I don't know what to say about T1 because it is important for you to know the whys. You have to consciously become aware of your past and mostly the unresolved emotions that are attached to your past. Especially that strong urge to run. That is the strong fright and flight response that rules over our past. And it is hard to work through when a flashback happens. But that is why you have to pay attention to what is in the flashback and what it means. That is what I figured out.

Things happened to you in your past and there was a beginning and you never knew how to deal with it, me too. So you invented your own ways of dealing with it, so did I and much of that was sort of just either running physically or in your mind. I did both. And one of the things I did do was use the anxiety and anger in creative ways or busy ways. It is like I tried to somehow burn it off in a way. But I didn't know that I didn't really deal with it.

It is hard when you have layers because that means you have a sort of built in response system that you slowly built up over the years. So it can be like an onion of painful layers and it is exhausting to deal with or think about it. The exhaustion often comes from the anger and resentment that it is there and that sense of guilt and frustration that is there too. And your right, no one gets it, no one understands that it is not a simple fix and you cant just think it away or simply put it behind you.
And the anger is there because your pissed to find out that while you thought you did that you didn't and now your not sure how to do that. And there is a depth to you that somehow separates you from others, something you want to protect and even hide, something that you feel is damaged and may cause others to not accept you as just another normal person.

But there is a way and it does take time. And when there are layers, it IS hard.
I can sympathize on that one. And you literally have to SLOWLY peel the onion and consciously become aware of not just the memories but the emotions and sense of confusion and urgency that came with them. So, when a flashback happens? Even though you are trapped in that flashback just look at it like a case and you are looking at the evidence, each flashback is a discovery. There are things in that memory that come together and show details that created the emotions that are the residue that plagues your daily life. Each event or memory has a trigger emotion, something within that memory that created a feeling of fear and confusion or desire to run or escape or some hightened emotion.

That is really what flashbacks are, they are events that are trapped records of emotions that were very strong and never resolved or dealt with. A case that never got tried. The evidence are pictures that provoke feelings that are disturbing so we often surpress that evidence. But what we don't realize is that even though we are adults and our brains have grown and obtained skills and knowlege and abilities, there are emotions that never got resolved that are trapped.

So basically the whole point of slowly peeling away the layers is not to just look at the horrible pictures and get all upset again. The whole purpose is to identify the emotions within those layers and, with a fully developed brain, finally deal with these emotions.

So you can actually use what you do as a way to deal with the evidence and in your mind, try the case. You were a victim and that victim got hurt and that victim did not understand how to deal with the event. We have the evidence in front of us, we have the end result, but we must realize the victim did not see it coming nor did the victim have the end result or even the whys. It was not the victims fault, but, the victim is now left with all the emotions storred in that event and the incredible shame of the event. And whenever the victim sees or hears certain things, it reminds her of the event. So what are the things that are the emotional evidence that tells us something bad took place. That is what you have to find and resolve.

That is why you are very tired. The flashbacks and emotions that are hanging in wait of discovery and resolve are simply just that, hanging and waiting. You have to find the emotions and finally address them and put them to rest, hense rest each case. You have to be willing to kind of step outside yourself, perhaps as an attorney, and take the victim and be willing to look at that victim's history (objectively) and without blaming the victim, address the emotions. As a grown intelligent person, you must remind the VICTIM THAT SHE IS NOT GUILTY OF ANY CRIME.

It is going to take time for you to do this, but you CAN do it. You just have to understand WHAT you are really doing. You cannot change the events, but you can settle the EMOTIONS THAT ARE TRAPPED AND UNRESOLVED IN THOSE EVENTS. And that is where therapists often make the mistake of asking a patient to remember.
It is not the event that you are trying to erase, yes, it happened. But what the real crime is, is the trapped emotions that never got dealt with. And yes, there is an inner shame that these events took place. But the truth is, they are OVER, what is left is the series of unresolved emotions within each event.

Also, in your life from now on is going to be a question of are you going to survive and make your way in life? Your past has stored doubt and fear and it does effect how you look at life now.
Bluelake, no one can ever answer what the future has to hold. And if we suffered in our past from things we never saw coming or even a force of negetive reinforcements, for example being told we were never good enough etc. We end up with added doubts and fears. So, there is a fear of something bad from our past reoccuring. But that is all normal, every person has fears and doubts. So, you have to face the emotions of your past and find a way to live each day, one day at a time and life is just going to happen, it is that way for everyone. You just have to decide that you are going to take out of life what ever you can and though you have no crystal ball you are just going to live it one day at a time and do you best. You are just finding inner peace, settling old cases and learning from them, to solve new cases as they present themselves.

It is not an easy task and it can be confusing to do. It has to have a purpose of a conscious effort to see all the things within that memory or event or flashback that were really trapped, the emotions have to be addressed Bluelake. We can never take away the past events in our lives. But we can work at calming the emotions that resulted and finally say, it is over now, it is done, you survived it and you just didn't understand it and nothing was your fault, you did the best you could. I see it now and I see how it felt, but it is over and I know better now. It takes time.

Hope that helps, I am trying too.

Open Eyes

[j1965]

I want to first apologize about thread jumping. I was searching for discussions on Complex Trauma when I came across the two of discussing the subject. I had written my two sense when my computer decided to intervene.

All I can say is from my experience is complex trauma needs to be worked on slowly. Focusing on trust with the occasional series of EMDR sessions when the frozen emotions choose thaw. I relate my experience with making progress recovering from complex trauma like letting the air out of a balloon.
Treatment for PTSD is to pop the balloon and face the experience over and over until the emotions lesson.
CPTSD needs the air "emotions" to be let out slowly. For me I loose my grip sometimes my choice sometimes not on the balloon and the air "emotions" comes out too fast. It is those times I underwent EMDR which is it's own topic. Helpful but OMG. There needs to be care to not let the air out way too fast. I did that because of unspoken fear and distrust and blew up my Therapeutic Relationship with my T.

So all I can suggest is to go as slow as you need to. You are in control of the pace of things not your T's. It is your life and you are in charge of your life not your T.

A good T will respect you and your decisions.

[Bluelake]

((((((Open Eyes))))) WOW!!!! You are competely on point with how I feel. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Your ideas are very helpful. Especially the case idea. Trying to dymystify it may take some of the emotion out of it because it is more like a job, a treasure hunt, but instead of searching for treasure, Im searching for memories-like a quest. And I'm so pissed that I have this that I will want to find the offending memory.

You must have had something trigger all of this.Yes: several things

And one of the things I did do was use the anxiety and anger in creative ways or busy ways. It is like I tried to somehow burn it off in a way. But I didn't know that I didn't really deal with it. That is EXACTLY what I did/do

And there is a depth to you that somehow separates you from others, something you want to protect and even hide, something that you feel is damaged and may cause others to not accept you as just another normal person. You are spot on

Even though you are trapped in that flashback just look at it like a case and you are looking at the evidence, each flashback is a discovery. There are things in that memory that come together and show details that created the emotions that are the residue that plagues your daily life. Each event or memory has a trigger emotion, something within that memory that created a feeling of fear and confusion or desire to run or escape or some hightened emotion. That makes sense.

So you can actually use what you do as a way to deal with the evidence and in your mind, try the case. So you can actually use what you do as a way to deal with the evidence and in your mind, try the case. I will try that

(((j1965)))) Maybe I will talk to T2 about EMDR bc even though there are layers upon layers, maybe I can focus on ONE. I mean I have to start somewhere.

[Open Eyes]

I am glad that I helped you look at it better Bluelake. Just keep in mind that no one is pristine, everyone has skeletons in their closets so to speak.

Just remember something. You made it to the point that you got an education and you are working and functioning. Even though there are layers of things in your past that may seem to creep in as a feeling of personal ruin, it just isnt true.

And the most important thing to always remember is that no matter what is there you are at the point where you can look back and see the end result, and that is something that you did not have when things took place, no matter what they were.
When ever you return to an event you are going to have the benefit of knowing everything and you may even feel like you should have known better or should have been smarter or you may blame yourself in some way. But you have to understand that no matter what it was, you just truely didn't have the knowledge that you have now. And j1965 is right, you have to do it slowly so you can sort out the emotions that took place then and how you feel about it now. And one of the emotions that you are going to have is anger. And you have every right to have that emotion BUT, you cannot let anger get the best of you and become a major power source. You do let it out and express it, but you cannot let it get out of control.

Are you angry that you have this? Yes, and you know what, so am I. And it is a personal battle that no one is going to understand unless they experience it themselves. And as you begin to address your past a lot of raw emotions are going to be extra sensitive and just beneath the surface waiting to be expressed. It is almost like a line that is waiting patiently to slowly file out of you and finally be addressed. And it can seem overwhelming and never ending and such a burden.

But you have to keep in mind that you did burry it and held it in, without truely realizing it. And that is why your tired and you don't really feel like going out. Your not really ready to express or feel happiness and on some level you know it. The brain cannot produce happiness if it is blocked with anger and fear and saddness and anxiety. But that doesn't mean that you can't be happy. You just have to work on allowing the emotions that are trapped in the memories to come out slowly and in that process you will also see the various methods you used to try to conceal those emotions. And they are methods you never consciously realized you were doing.

You have to remind yourself that most likely your brain had no way of understanding how to deal with the emotions that took place when these events happened. You have never learned how to do that and it is normal that it feels uncomfortable and violating. And that is part of why you want to hide and not really be around other people in a normal social way. You can work around other people and manage your career, because that is not part of your past. You have skills now and you pretty much know the outcome of performing those skills and that is comforting.

The one thing that doesn't fit right now is intimate social trust, that is something you never truely learned. And at this point, that is unpredictable to you so just the thought of doing it leads to feeling tired and it is almost like a wall or screen that comes up that you just cant seem to pull back. That is normal when you are doing a SELF DISCOVERY. Ah theres that word again, DISCOVERY. If you think about any case, that is where most of the time is taken up, THE DISCOVERY PROCESS, right?

I know you don't like having this to have to deal with, believe me I hate it too. But you have to make up your mind that the whole purpose is to slowly discover the hidden emotions that are trapped and what made that happen. And in a way you are the jury too. And the goal is that the end result is that YOU ARE FOUND NOT GUILTY. Because no matter what it is, no matter how many layers are there, YOU ARE SIMPLY NOT GUILTY, you NEVER KNEW THE END RESULT as you are going to view and remember now. AND YOU DID SURVIVE IT. You can never change what happened in your past, BUT, you can deal the emotions that are trapped there.

I hope that helps you look at it better and PLEASE try to be KIND TO YOURSELF.
You do deserve to have a good life and YOU DO HAVE SKILLS TO HAVE A LIFE.
Are things going to happen in your life that hurt and disappoint you? Yes, but you are going to learn how to deal with them better.

Just because you have a layered past that is difficult and is anything but perfect, no matter what is there, it is just the past, it is not what you are now. In some ways it is a part of who you were and it is always going to be a part of you. But it doesn't have to be in your future.

And you have taken some really important steps. You have educated yourself to be self sustaining. That is not what you had in your past. Though you may have doubts about being self sustaining at the moment, that will pass. We all have our insecurities and doubts and NONE OF US HAVE THE BENEFITS OF KNOWING ANY OUTCOME IN LIFE. But it is not the same as in your past, you have gotten to a point where you are closer to being self sustaining.

But your not really sure about self sustaining socially on a personal level. Well, some of that is normal and you past will cast some doubts on that. But by addressing the emotions that you surpressed you will learn to slowly master them on a different level. And the depression cycles that you feel are normal because you are just not sure what these emotions are going to do. The answer is they dont really DO anything, they are just attached to things you addressed in your past that somehow invaded you.

So don't be afraid of the flashbacks, they are events that contain emotions that you need to see so that you can stop and think about what is really there. What happens is that when something happens at the same time we touch things, see things, hear sounds, and see facial expressions that are all attached to the emotions of extreme stress or anxiety or fear. So any time we are reminded of that by hearing a sound or footsteps or whatever is there in that flashback we feel the emotions that are that big question that was never really answered.

When I was in that doctors office I was nervous and I didn't want to see the doctor that had given me a hard time and just didn't understand me and made me upset. And I even remember his look of anger, and that set me off, that is something big in my memory. All of a sudden I was presented by two men and I flashed back to another time when I was trapped in a shed with two boys. Of all the times I have been frightened in my life I never had that happen before. And believe me, I had all I could do but high tail it out of that office, I wanted to run. And that is how I felt in that shed. But now I remember and I also remember the fear and I was caught off guard, I was very little and scared. But that is how I felt in the doctors office and that is how it came out. But now I know that. I understand it, only the doctors don't know that and that part I hate. And as hard as it was I did get through both events. And I think I will have my therapist write a letter to the doctor explaining what happened, I don't know yet. But that is a social situation that I am uncomfortable with. I have to figure out how to address that.

But just know that your not alone and I understand what you mean. And yes it is a part of PTSD. But you can learn to let it out and deal with it. And Slowly gain the strenth you need to let some happiness come in too. But it takes time.

When you need to vent or just let out some aggrivation, this is a good place to come and hear, me too.

Open Eyes

[Bluelake]

(((Open Eyes))))

I wanted to run. And that is how I felt in that shed. But now I remember and I also remember the fear and I was caught off guard, I was very little and scared. But that is how I felt in the doctors office and that is how it came out. But now I know that. I understand it, only the doctors don't know that and that part I hate. And as hard as it was I did get through both events

Ok I have come to the conclusion that ptsd is nothing more than delayed grief. Because we were unable to process it then it is coming out now. So I guess we just have to deal with it. I get that it is important to understand what it is coming from. . . . that takes work. I mean to pull back into the recesses of our mind to find the duplicate piece of the puzzle, but I think it takes a little more than that.
After we figure out what the feeling is related to we need to grieve for it. That is the part that others dont understand. They see us upset, tired, withdrawn and think, what the hell is wrong with you, everything is fine.
But its not fine. I wish I could tell them this--Its like this: imagine the most horrifying or tragic event in your life, how did you feel? Did you cry? Did you withdraw? Were you angy, depressed? Did you lash out? Most likely hte answer would be yes. Now, how did others respond to you? They were comforting, understanding because your emotions and reactions were EXPECTED and NORMAL in repsonse to whatever event.
With ptsd, we never had the luxury of going through that process, so it is coming out NOW. So maybe we are really no different than anyone else......just a little delayed in the grief process.
After reading your post, I started thinking and realized what one of my sadnesses, fear, and terror is about. So I got out pictures, played the music and FELT it. Mourned it. In fact, I took off work next week and am going to THE PLACE to rexperience it and grieve it, to PROCESS it. To DEAL with it.
And you know what, I actually feel like I have a little more control over things and my emotions today. I actually am going to keep the plans that I made to go to lunch with my friend.

[Open Eyes]

Oh that is wonderful Bluelake, have a nice lunch, try to pick a quiet place. Yes your right about the morning process. And it is very hard that others do not understand it. It is hard for the person who has it to understand it. Just know your not alone, I hear you and so do others, but you will get better and stronger. There are ups and downs so don't let that bother you, it is just part of it, I guess part of the inner grieving or getting through that line of emotions that is waiting to be addressed.

Have a good day, and remember you can come here and vent or whatever, that way you will know your not crazy and all alone with this. Cause it can be hard, it was a life saver for me to know I am not alone.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I hope you went to lunch today. If you didn't I will understand.

Just remember you can come an talk it out any time. If you are ever in a spot where somehow too many emotions come all at once (happened to me really bad once) find someplace very quiet and repeat over and over your just in the moment, just in the moment, over and over and let everything go and all you have to do is just be in the moment. It will eventually pass and you will calm down.

You have to keep in mind that they are just emotions, that is all. I don't know if you have anxiety attacks, you probably do, but basically those are like a thin blanket that cover the emotions that are waiting in a line to be addressed. Once you are more aware of the line of emotions you are more easily triggered. And you really need to keep a journal, and bring it with you all the time.

One of the things that I discovered is that if there are a few days or even one bad day where I have been triggered but was not consciously aware of it, I would have two reactions, lots of anxiety and I would also be very tired. So by going over the days preceeding the anxiety attack or extreme exhaustion I would cover the day like you would a crime scene and remember all the events and how I reacted to them.
That is how I discovered many of my triggers that I really wasn't aware of. And they are all a part of the layers in the onion. But once you know what they are you can consciously work on them and focus on not letting them bother you as much. It does take time and it is a process but you WILL GET STRONGER at LOWERING the impact of the triggers.

This is where many PTSD victims start to feel like they are doomed for life, that is WRONG. Once you figure out your triggers and you work at defusing their power, you will really get better at truely lowering their impact.

So make sure you keep a daily journal so you can figure out what unconsciously stresses you. It could be any person, any thing, a tone of voice, a facial expression, a set of stairs and as with me, doors, it can be any where so that journal is important just like the story of occurance in a case. And you may find a lot of them, that is ok, don't let that get you down, you are not ruined, remember that.

It is ok if you need time out from socializing. But if you have trusted friends that are gentle and understanding than it is ok to be with them. And work should be ok, but if anyone or anything upsets you write it down so you can quickly defuse it.

If you have days where you just want to cry, that will not ususally happen at work, for me, that doesn't happen at work, work for me is a comfort zone. But if you have nights or times when your alone and you feel like crying, go ahead and cry, it is ok, it is part of the morning and grieving so don't worry.

And remember you can always come here for support, your really not alone ok? I have probably told you that many times but I just want to make sure you remember that.

There is great support here. And you can also PM me too if you want to. The forum is good too because everyone looks at it differently and something someone says may just click for you and make a big difference.

Open Eyes