[beauflow]

I needed to edit this due to I gave out a lot-- Wagneriansinger helps a lot with her suggestion below...there is so much with this as well, it goes years back to 2008 even, so I am trying to focus on the now time this year of things..

I am not sure if anyone can relate to this....

(Deleted)

My thing was originally is

Does any one else find that their job gives them such strife and their triggers in the job ....
Or a previous job...

Or any suggestions

I have tried so hard to let things go- to which that is another thing i have learned wit this job with "pciking battles and letting things go that are not important in other words"... For some reason my supervisor with her bad traits, reminds me of different people of my family, and for some reason i think because I am older that some how this is helping me to be stronger but in reality i am not sure if that is what this doing or if it this is in fact just re traumatizing me to a degree....
the therapist that I saw said I should leave this job-- it was one of thing that I constantly talked about due to this supervisors' illogical thinking can get me really hot headed... I know some think women don't think very logical but I try best to-- it helps for me to "figure out something" for my coping, it is good for me for my understanding.... however it can make me go nutz too with things that I just need to learn to ACCEPT that are not figured out (that is another story).....

I get so mad that everyone knows what is going on, everyone knows, but yet they do nothing about it.. they claim they can't... and she continues her rein of terror with us that need a job and she uses that too against us.

I thought maybe this time around try the other manger, perhaps a different result perhaps he knows but needs someone to speak up before he can do something-- but I fear i will get brushed off again.... I guess I just need to remind my self -- I just need to sit and wait and see and try best to cope in the mean time as best as I can...

I am so anxious that I can not sleep.... and I am rambling....

sorry-- thanks for anyone that reads this. I know it is a lot, i can understand if no one really has much to reply on this for me for...

[wagneriansinger]

Wow, you have alot of stuff going on in that post.

Not sure where to start, but as a business owner as well as someone who has worked for people who treated me like s---, I might suggest that you ask the person who is HER supervisor to hold a session with the two of you to work through these issues.

This will produce the following:

1. Documentation that you tried to work things out.
2. Makes management aware of the problems.
3. If you're fired, you can get unemployment as a whistle blower.

Now, in terms of getting along with a boss who is a difficult person, the best thing you can do is (A) to do your job the best you can and (B) document like hell when things seem "off kilter" to you in case you need those dates and details later. In the meantime, perhaps you should be searching for another job?

Keep in mind that management doesn't like to hear about this stuff, they just want people to produce. If your manager is delivering on her job, ie, giving upper management the results they seek, then upper management will be willing to sacrifice you, ie, fire you, because they'll see you as a whiner. So think about how you go about dealing with this situation in terms of sending emails to upper management. Might not be your best option here...just sayin'...

Anne

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by wagneriansinger

Wow, you have alot of stuff going on in that post.

Not sure where to start, but as a business owner as well as someone who has worked for people who treated me like s---, I might suggest that you ask the person who is HER supervisor to hold a session with the two of you to work through these issues.

This will produce the following:

1. Documentation that you tried to work things out.
2. Makes management aware of the problems.
3. If you're fired, you can get unemployment as a whistle blower.

yeah I did that in 2008, The Contractors Upper Manager and her and myself--I had a stack of paper work too with notes and emails that she had sent me of things--- The upper management did not want to look at it, they told me that it did not matter if she did not like me, and I told him it was not about liking me- it was about common human respect. Needless to say no one liked that from me that was sitting on the contractors upper side of me. She told them that I was wearing ties to work, to which I was not, but they said I was being a distraction.

Originally Posted by wagneriansinger

Now, in terms of getting along with a boss who is a difficult person, the best thing you can do is (A) to do your job the best you can and (B) document like hell when things seem "off kilter" to you in case you need those dates and details later. In the meantime, perhaps you should be searching for another job?

Oh Lordly -- DO the best that I can do due to that is the only thing I can control-- That is what I do and try to live by with this job.
Documenting things I get emotional with- these recent things this year I am better with not saying F this, and keeping them.. That comes from the whole thing in2008
Yes I need to leave, it is like the answer but I get so mad that the other cowrokers and me get a long, and she is the common denominator in this all of causing issues. I know i need to remember that if the others wont say anything then it just looks like me complaining about her.

Originally Posted by wagneriansinger

Keep in mind that management doesn't like to hear about this stuff, they just want people to produce. If your manager is delivering on her job, ie, giving upper management the results they seek, then upper management will be willing to sacrifice you, ie, fire you, because they'll see you as a whiner. So think about how you go about dealing with this situation in terms of sending emails to upper management. Might not be your best option here...just sayin'...

The rumors (a worker is a offspring of upper upper upper management; they are cool, but he has told me that basically everyone is upset with her due to the lack of delivering and what they see her do, but no one can do anything due to no one to fill her spot- See the company does not want to degrate a company employee to a contractor position and there are very select few (myself included) that would be asked to go into the position if she left--- which is a hell no from me due to I know I would be too overwhelmed.

They may see me as whiner, but if they fire me perhaps it would be for the best? I know a bad marking but perhaps, it would be.... (lol)

Anne[/quote]

Thank you Anne -- YEah there is a lot there and I am sorry about that,

Hi ((((Beau)))) In response to your question:

Does any one else find that their job gives them such strife and their triggers in the job ....

oh my gosh, yes! It became an issue for me starting about 6 months ago. I struggled with it, posted about it here and work on it (almost) every day.

Someone very high up in this company gave me a response that stuck in my head. He wasn't doing it to be a d***, either (he is my supervisor so...)

It's horrible but I repeat it to myself over and over when someone is bugging the holy **** out of me.

"It just doesn't matter"

And please don't misunderstand or misread what I have written: ((((Beau)))) YOU matter. YOUR feelings matter. You are validated and right in your feelings. And your pain is real and important.

However, when things get stupid around here, I just tell myself, "It just doesn't matter" and go about my business.

I KNOW that I am coming from a good place. And my heart is good and I am doing my best and my conscious is clear. So...

...they (all the dolts) can act like complete idiots day in and day out, and I tell myself "It just doesn't matter".

Now, not to say there are not some days that my (idiot) co-workers don't drive me insane, either. On those days, like last week, I come here and post and speak with my T. to find more tools to cope while I am trying to get to the bottom of things (my truth and why they bug me the way they do).

The bottom line, too, is that, in some ways, sadly, Anne is correct. It's not against the law to be an a-**** in the workplace. And you are going to be surrounded by them. With PTSD, things are magnified because we are hurting and we are sensitive to these jerks.

Legally, not much we can do about it...unless it becomes truly personal, and then my suggestion and advice is to:

Document, Document, Document.

I did/do both.

Hugs to you.

[beauflow]

((Rose Panachee)) i am sorry for what you are going through too...

The thing is that it is personal, my supervisor with this recent issue- she created a problem that was not a problem and sent it to general email (so the other coworkers saw) with my notes, saying this is problem! and Fix It!

I explained and checked something that only 3 personnel (Supervisor, Lead and myself) have access too, and what she was saying was incorrect... Then when I find that something has been altered on the same day that she sent this email (at a time that only one of the three with access is in) and the email was sent about 3 hours after this alteration saying - Beauflow is causing a problem, and she needs to fix it- i get more upset.... Especially when 2 days early she sent out a general notice (her reason now of why she sent what she did with my stuff saying fix it, as she explains) explaining what she wanted which clear, to the point, with out picking on anyone saying I was a problem to which I was not.

There is a lot more-- i.e. last May she sent me an email saying I was an embarrassment, ashamed, and that is all due to i had done my job, but there needed to be an updated and I made the comment that Sorry so many emails on this when it should had been one. Which is something that I had done prior before, and now I am an embarrassment.

the thing back 2008- She told me I dressed to masculine and not feminine enough. <- that there has hurt, but with getting to know her and that she does this with everyone, I am like she just has issues and sometimes shoots things out of her mouth that she should not be- that was all verbal so no emails on that. She has been careful these days with what she says as well to me on how I dress due to I dress per the codes.

I am not the only she does this with as well-- but the problem is that not many others stand up to say stuff--- so that is a problem.. They in return stop doing their jobs though which is bad on them but it is allowed due to the mismanagement at the place.

I wish that the upper management would do a survey on her.

Would it be uncouth for me to ask others to write down statements of what they have observed with how she has treated us? Too many other depts that she does not manage see how she yells at us and treats us.....

I think I will be asking some of the company employees that like me and know that i do a good job, to ask to see if they will write me recommendations.

[wagneriansinger]

Beauflow, no, it wouldn't be uncouth for you to ask others to write this stuff down. Be prepared they might not because (A) you are doing it already so they can kinda "hide" behind you and (B) they might be chicken to do it and fearful of losing their jobs.

Yeah, it really sucks when you get along with co-workers and the boss is a d---. I hear you.

I'm starting to wonder if your boss has a problem with your sexual orientation. Is this possible? You alluded to this with statements about wearing a tie. If you are gay and are being harrassed about this, you might have a lawsuit. Just thinking out loud here...

But sure, start collecting those nice little notes about your performance and stash them away...

Anne

Originally Posted by beauflow

the thing back 2008- She told me I dressed to masculine and not feminine enough. <- that there has hurt, but with getting to know her and that she does this with everyone, I am like she just has issues and sometimes shoots things out of her mouth that she should not be- that was all verbal so no emails on that. She has been careful these days with what she says as well to me on how I dress due to I dress per the codes.

Would it be uncouth for me to ask others to write down statements of what they have observed with how she has treated us? Too many other depts that she does not manage see how she yells at us and treats us.....

I think I will be asking some of the company employees that like me and know that i do a good job, to ask to see if they will write me recommendations.

[beauflow]

Wagnersigner -- I am not sure if she has an issue with my orientation- I am straight/heterosexual -- I think from the beginning she did not like that I am overweight but it does not prove to be an issue of my job duties- I still pull pallets when I need to (this of course after I had healed of back surgery in 2010 but that was a short time).

The good thing with asking some of my co-workers that I was thinking of asking of observation, they would be an outsider- they do not have repercussions of her not liking them- they have a different manager and even contractor or they are of the company * but they are of the same over all department and have interactions with her
As far as co-workers of the same contractor and under her-- you are right, they are scared- A thing though is another coworker that is having issues as well, is thinking of asking others to come to a meeting with them... I think maybe I will with them- if we have a group of different but similar stories of our own and come together--- maybe that would help out?

[beauflow]

the part now is yeah it all sounds well and good but i've gotten 3 hours if that of sleep due to this today. i feel physically ill now and getting in thought patterns of everything a do i **** up some how. i'm afraid to the point me shaking when thinking on a meeting. *Fear of nothing will change and abusers get away with what they do.

[wagneriansinger]

I hear you. Honestly, it really sounds like this is soooo stressful that finding a different job might be your best option. Do you mind if I ask what kind of work you do, like is this something you could easily find work doing elsewhere?

You mention that others have different supervisors. Is it possible for you to switch to another work unit so you can get out from under this person?

Anne

Originally Posted by beauflow

the part now is yeah it all sounds well and good but i've gotten 3 hours if that of sleep due to this today. i feel physically ill now and getting in thought patterns of everything a do i **** up some how. i'm afraid to the point me shaking when thinking on a meeting. *Fear of nothing will change and abusers get away with what they do.

[Perna]

I had a problem with a job boss who would/could not change and my T pointed out I could stay at the job and get depressed or I could leave. I retreated back into what I wanted to accomplish for and in myself, regardless of the boss, and came up with a few things I could still work on in that situation, but made sure I paid attention to how I was feeling so I would not fall into still trying to bang my head against his brick wall

Fortunately, my situation changed within the year and my skill (and big mouth :-) made it so they did not need me full-time and then the boss found another job, I terminated therapy (and did not need the job at all; I was using it primarily to pay for therapy) and I moved and retired, etc.

I had more going for me with the job than just that boss's problems. If I were you I'd make a two-column chart of pros and cos of what you get from the job versus what causes you difficulties and make yourself your own one to five-year plan and concentrate on that instead of the idiot boss? It can be so easy to get tunnel vision and only look at situations that suck the life out of us and not remember the stuff we like that puts energy and life back into us.

Originally Posted by wagneriansinger

I hear you. Honestly, it really sounds like this is soooo stressful that finding a different job might be your best option. Do you mind if I ask what kind of work you do, like is this something you could easily find work doing elsewhere?

You mention that others have different supervisors. Is it possible for you to switch to another work unit so you can get out from under this person?

Anne

((((Beau)))) Thanks I am sorry you have been going through all of this. Your supervisor / boss sounds horrible...on many levels.

Do you have enough paperwork that you can seek counsel? I know you aren't feeling well, so perhaps when you are feeling a little bit stronger, you can have a consultation with someone that specializes in this area. While also looking for another job (again when you are feeling better. it's pretty hard to just get out of bed when in the middle of a panic).

One of the things I really struggle with is that when I am feeling low/beat down, I feel wrong all the time. I feel vulnurable, out of sorts, not grounded at all. I also feel as if I am a horrible person and that I don't belong (just some of the many joys of cPTSD ). Those feelings, coupled with a bully of a supervisor is a recipe for disaster. Sharks smell blood in the water from miles away. Those sharks (people) are the ones that tend to gravitate toward us.

All that said, do you feel as if you have options in terms of seeking counsel and/or leaving.

I don't think you are uncouth in wanting to receive support and validation from your peers; however, they may be very reluctant to do it because (a) they fear for their jobs and (b) the job market is still tough, so for them going out on what seems like a limb might be too terrifying or just not do-able.

((((Beau)))) you are valid in your feelings. Some of the things you have expressed here are ILLEGAL for anyone to express in a place of work and violates some very (fundamental) civil rights.

I've had all kinds of supervisors; some were just plain a-**** like I mentioned. But I've also had the kind that were doing things that were eroding my self-esteem, self-confidence, self of safety and well-being (those were illegal).

You don't have to quit your job. However, if your supervisor is creating any sort of hostile work environment for you, you must speak up. For yourself. You deserve to be treated properly and with dignity and respect.

[beauflow]

OMG- I typed and retyped and had what I wanted and I must had taken too long and I got logged out...

First thank you all so much. Hugs to all to... you all have some really good tid bits-

I can't go to another dept- i do not have the tech skills that they have, with that said- yes this is a job that I could find else where- which I am really thinking even if this does clear up- I rather leave on a happy note, rather than stay and something else happen down the road and be upset again. Five year plan-- I keep forgetting when I make them, and get to points of what is the point- BUT i will add I agree it is a good thing to do.. The Cons add up more than the pros at current job..... It is all basically around the supervisor and I am sorry that i get so intertwined with the bad negative with her.... But some times she does seem so big-- And I am sorry that I allow that.

Good thing out of this is- I am looking for another job so I have asked some people for recommendations and or if references, People that have worked with me, some write me recommendations and some say yep put my name down and have them call me if they want- So I am trying to move on from here-- When I realized that people said they would be honored, and that they don't want me to go but understand (they understand due to they have observed I did not tell them of the recent things) -- it felt really good and a part of me came up from the hole of negativity and was like-- she (supervisor) is not that big after all if these people that i work with that are higher than her position, are like this towards me... yes this has helped a little with feeling better...

Bad thing from this is--- IBS Symptoms are acting up (hope it does not do the death cramping- if it does i will go to doctor), anxiety, loss of sleep, parinioa, mood swings *(up down all around!), back pain/muscle tightness and my loer back/leg is in the fritz to spasm as it does. Friend has told me to go to a doctor for these symptoms so doc says - yep stress from this creating this stuff.. Will wait... I always fear due to I am dx with Severe PSTD And Bipolar2 that will be used against me... IDK why, I just do.

Things are in works with escalation which i don;t want to talk about right now.... but things spreaded further than from me, she blames my writing to her of partially for doing something to another (she demoted someone due to I wrote to her that she was harassing me) <-- which makes me feel like *really bad* that she blames me-- but i do realize something here--- this is a drowning duck that is flaring their arms out and is splashing everyone as they drown....

I hope things get cleared up soon.

[beauflow]

even though i am told not to worry, i have dreams about work to which aren't pleasent (here recently like on the subjects or this supervisor being ''mean'' or making my life hell like slashing my tires and laughing about it, and other things that are a bit illogical but they upset me still)

i need to move on, ''normal'' people or people with a good work environment, don't dream like this, do they?

Originally Posted by beauflow

even though i am told not to worry, i have dreams about work to which aren't pleasent (here recently like on the subjects or this supervisor being ''mean'' or making my life hell like slashing my tires and laughing about it, and other things that are a bit illogical but they upset me still)

i need to move on, ''normal'' people or people with a good work environment, don't dream like this, do they?

(((Beau))) I work in a relatively great place (finally), but I still occasionally have dreams about work. Especially if I am under a tight deadline, super stressed with people drama (we have a couple of guys in the office that are big idiot pitas that act like they are still living in a fraternity - total slobs and inconsiderate beyond all recognition). Or if there are trust issues involved regarding my delegating and the others getting the job done.

I also had dreams about my former place of employment that put me through the ringer (still working out those vampires in my dreams and with my T).

I don't think it's all that uncommon

Hugs to you.

Can I take back what I said about working in a (relatively) great place! FGS!

An employee was served today (one of the "troublemakers" that I'd written about previously), and I happened to be the one that greeted the process server. I thought it was just a client/vendor and he was giving me something to give to her. I looked down, and it was a Summons. I looked at the guy and said "are you a server?" he replied, "yes" and I said "well I'm not sure ***** is here. I'll be right back". Like a total idiot I still had the freekin' summons in my hand!

It was NONE of my business, I didn't want to read it, and I didn't want to have anything at all to do with it. I tried to give it back to him and explained she did in fact work here, yes, we work with the same firm, but she was not specifically MY employee, and I would not accept responsiblity for the document. He kept pressing on and on and then started in with "sub-processing".

I tried to tell him absolutely not, but he kept pressing the issue. At that point he had possession of the document (again). He said "he was just going to leave it on the credenza for whenever and if ever she came by".

Then, a male colleague came over and said the guy had to leave and we wouldn't accept the document and the guy left. Oh great. Another reminder of (a) how my "voice" has no purpose or meaning and (b) I do not have a certain part of the male anatomy so therefore I should be cast aside and/or ignored.

(If I had emoticons I would be EMOTING all over the place)

I was totally triggered. After the guy left, I had several p/a symptoms, felt horrible and just wanted to run out the door. I felt horrible!

OK, so not only are these troublemakers stealing food, they are dealing with legal issues. I HATE THIS! I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THESE PEOPLE.

(and to the extreme, I NEVER WANT TO COME BACK TO THIS PLACE AGAIN).

(we are in a Class A building by the way and I did speak with security. Unfortunately, he claimed he was just making a delivery and didn't identify himself as a Server, so that is how he got up to our floor).

Now that fight or flight thing is subsiding, I want to just go to sleep. And I still have a 2 hour drive ahead of me just to get home (405 freeway and Carmageddon all summer. eeks!)

Thanks for reading!
Rose

[optimize990h]

The work part I understand about the coping part. The trying to maintain calmness and concentration that involves me bottling stuff up. Stuff I thought I had dealt with and it is starting up more now due to recent events. I know the amount of energy required to manage the situation. Now, a recent event has triggered somethings in me. So I understand. You are not alone. Very challenging.

Originally Posted by optimize990h

The work part I understand about the coping part. The trying to maintain calmness and concentration that involves me bottling stuff up. Stuff I thought I had dealt with and it is starting up more now due to recent events. I know the amount of energy required to manage the situation. Now, a recent event has triggered somethings in me. So I understand. You are not alone. Very challenging.

Thanks much. I really appreciate the support. I just got home after sitting in traffic...and I am so happy to be here.
It was so funny...when I was leaving work I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I got in the elevator to go down to the lobby...I was lost in thought. The door opened and i posed as to make a mad dash out. I was only a couple floors down.

The guy getting on the elevator laughed and he said he knew exactly how I felt. We made some jokes and raced each other politely all the way down to the parking structure. It was a private hah because we had to make a couple more stops, then from the lobby, go to another crowded elevator down to parking!

In the end we both ended up getting off on the same level. He smiled and held the door open for me and said "i 'll let you run first!"

[beauflow]

((Rose Panachee))
That really sucks with what happened to you at work... Many hugs

I have been in a spot as well with it appears due to I am not a male human, I am not worth the bother to be listened too-- which this hurts deeply - I try to remind myself of different factors though if I can..
Perhaps your male college just saw that the Server was not taking no as an answer from you and just stepped in to try best to resolve the situation... It does suck that the Server was not taking your answer - But perhaps if it was a woman that came up, it would be a similar story due to 2 against 1 telling the Server to go away!

About a more than a year ago there was a lady that I worked with, I tried best to get along as best with her until I found she was telling everyone rumors about me which since I am me, and have been here for a long time people did not believe her-- after she left it was found out that the FBI was looking for her and some got questioned if we knew where she was-- I find it really sad that the back ground checks that some hiring agencies do not pop up with such things that are so recent.

((optimize99oh)) hugs to you as well- Hopefully the recent events will settle down after a bit.

As far as me with my thing at work- I am looking for a new place, everyone has been really nice with giving me recommendations and I just feel like- wow... This week at work with supervisor has not been fun.. She is setting up things - Monday was the biggest one..Tuesday was just kid minor things on her part, and Today as I look around I see perhaps she has decided to stop a little... Tuesday was not really a good night for her games, a lot was going on at work that was more important than to get a rolly polly out of the corner way......
I am not sure if she is aware yet of that I am the one that spoke with the janitorial manager about what our supervisor was having us do--- The Janitorial manager actually stopped by and then put her own request in for her team to do the work that our supervisor was putting on us (we are not janitors we do clerical more than anything). This little thing here made me feel so good--- even if my supervisor does not know that it was me that went over to a different dept. and got answers and a job done.. She will be upset when she does find out..
The other co-worker of mine that our supervisor lashed out at due to my email--- they had their meeting and there is another that is to come in a few days.. Not sure what will happen.

The saddest part to me is that our supervisor yells at so many of us that it is becoming more and more a hostile environment- before I left the other day I just simply asked if the problem that occurred on my shift if another co-worker understood it, and in a very defensive way this co-worker (which he never is this way) got really pissy with me at first, and on top of after I said that is fine and ok the first time, they continued to walk towards me and continue explaining on why they did not do the job and almost in ways start arguing with me about it-- I kept my cool due to I could observe with this co-worker his body language and his tones in his voice (it just really reminded me of some others I have seen that are scared to be yelled at for doing something even though they know they should had done their job but will blame it on another person of "not understanding" and just not do the job) This co-worker is not this way usually, and with talking with other co-workers this one i was talking to-- he has been getting a lot of back lash of what is going on...At any rate this morning i did keep my cool, I said a third time and finally that is ok and fine, and told them have a good day and left.
I just wish that some of my co-workers would stand up-- I don't think this is right, and when talking to them, they agree with me but do nothing <-- that there is a some what a trigger for me and I am not sure if i can explain that very well...

It is like when I was little-- people knew abuse was going on, my mom knew of another abuse that was going on., but yet no one that was an adult did anything about it.. Years later when talking to other people about my family - I have gotten statements like "yeah you kids were not treated well and had a lot of bad things happen to you"... it some times out rages me.. and to be in a work place where there are laws against this, and evidence- people are still afraid to speak up.... I don't expect them to. I don't expect much to change at my work place even after all these meetings, i just know I need to go and am trying to get out...

Many hugs to you all-

[beauflow]

Sooo--------

At my work place.. there has been rumors.. I told the one that was the source of the rumor (which has good resources), that I will believe it when I see it..
The sad part is about a week ago he tried to talk to me about our supervisor and I actually started to have a rather bad headache and I had to stop talking to him.

At least right now with work, with so many seeing what I see, it in away does make me feel better--- meaning, I am not just triggered and blowing things out of total proportion (yes I will admit perhaps some things but not all of it)... I am not the only one that is at time outraged with the actions of the supervisor, and I am not the only one that sees their abusive tendencies...

It makes me feel better due to it does make feel like I am not so "crazy" and that "i just did not adjust right so I am projecting my past onto this woman that is similar to others in my past"..... due to others see it....

This last week I have for the most part been good with work--- Keeping the "I am awesome attitude and I at least try" with work especially. And that I know my job, and it has helped that so many co-workers have been like - "you are a good co-work Beauflow". Plus I think my troubles with my brother masked the work issues....

But idk-- as I told the source of the rumor, I will believe when it happens.

I did tell another co-worker today, that I do not wish the worst for our supervisor- I just wish she would get help.. It is pretty sad when I have 4 other co-workers that say they see the supervisor cycle like emotionally and behaviorally.. I wish them to get help over all-- weather the rumor is true or not.