[TheLokiWolf]

i really just dont know anymore.

spose i should start with a backstory.

so.
recently in therapy weve been having...some difficult times i guess. Its normally pretty ok at the start. but as soon as my Therapist says something i dont want to hear...im gone. she says i dissociate. i dont know what happens back in the room with her. i only know what happens to me in what we call 'The Snow.' Basically...i go to this place thats absolutly beautigul. its night there. there is a large full moon. clear stary skies. soft fluffy white snow. a silent forest. and mountains on the horizon. most of the time i cant come bavk on my own. sometimes she will gently shake mt shoulder to get me back. which works. her challenge is to then keep me in the room. as soon as i 'come back' i instantly want to retreat again.

so thats that part of the story.

anyway...part 2.
well. my mind has blessed me with a flashback in the form of dreams. (thanks for that brain....not). anyway. i know part of what happens. not all. i remember my step dad approaching me and hitting me in the side. then nothing. thats all im saying about that.

part 3. today's session.
it started ok. light conversation. ive been away all weekend so my T was askig me about that. and i was telling her id had a couple of 'my moments.'. one in particular was horrible. but im not ready to discuss it. so dont ask. you wont get an answer. anyway...so then this triggered me to shut down. i was fighting my body from dissociating or whatever. i have 2 kinda...guardians i hear in my head. they take the form of wolves. aanyway they starrted arguing. and i lost it. i said to my t "i cant stand this anymore!" and gave in yo my mind and body. i left. now. im at home hours later. no idea what happened after that moment. im confused. and scared. i feel so sorry for my T. i called her later but she didnt get a chance to call back yoday. so thatll probs happen tomorrow. she says all this links in with PTSD. i dont care for her psych talk. i just cant take the arguing and conflict and pain anymore... but if i trll my t that...im scared shell take it the wrong way. i dont want to die. i just want it to stop. i dont want my wolves to leave. i want them to find peace. with each other. and what they have kept a secret for so long. i hate seeing them suffer. but im not ready to be bombarded like i was today. i dont know what to do!

[layla11]

Hi Blackwolf, glad you shared this. I'm new in therapy also. I know some of the other members will have better understanding of this. But I can tell you I experienced some of the same things. I did post also on the Phycology forum and got good feedback..Everytime I see my therapist I get really angry. I think he is moving way to fast. I could hardly drive over there last time to sign a form, I was feeling full of anxiety. It was too much for me. He was talking about things and I just resented it. Anyway, just to say since I have not seen him in two weeks I had to cancel because of a medical procedure I needed and he cancelled due to a court date. Just want to say you are safe now.

[TheLokiWolf]

i like my t, and i do like going. when we skip a session i get really anxious about not seeing her. i do see her very often because im in such a bad place. the past 2 sessions shesh been really hesitant about letting me leave. i have to convince her ill be ok. i think im trying to convince myself ill be ok though. i cant pick the point when its too much. it just happens. i know when im about to go to the snow, thats how i can fight it for a short time. but im barely in control of that too

[Open Eyes]

(((black wolf))),

I am sorry that you are struggling so much right now. Yes, I know that feeling of "not caring" or just wanting it to go away. But you are in therapy, trama work, and this is going to take a while. I wish I could tell you that it will be "all gone" right away, but it is going to take time. However, you will improve "with time". I know that when we experience something bad we can kind of turn ourselves off, that is our way of protecting ourselves. So your brain is only going to let out little parts as to protect itself. It's ok, just give this time. Don't let yourself "feed into" the times when you feel very dark, if you notice, those dark moods pass. It just takes time for the brain to sort through this, sorry but it cannot be rushed.

We are here and ready to listen and support you as much as you need. Take your time in therapy and just know it "will" ease in time.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[TheLokiWolf]

thank u open eyes. my t called this morning. shes put in a referal for me to see a pdoc. i will not stop seeing her. but she says shes concerned about how intense the flashbacks are. she told me i was very distressed yesterday and that she thinks its because one of my wolves felt trapped and the other one just wants to be heard. she says it was very hard for me to come back from the snow. and that well talk about it more on thursday face to face rather than on the phone. i see this pdoc thursday. im not happy about it. not at all. but my t knows this.

[Open Eyes]

(((Black wolf))),

Ok, don't let that frighten you. I went through that myself. I just was overwhelmed by some of the flashbacks that came forward in me as well. The idea is to help you sort through these flashbacks without having the intense inflow of anxiety that can come with experiencing flashbacks.

If we experience things in our past, especially when we are children, our brain has the ability to "numb emotions" so that we can survive a bad experience. So children who experience upsetting things learn to shut down. When we get older we can be triggered to remember these experiences and because we are older and have learned more about life etc, these memories can come back and be very confusing to us.

First when a flashback takes place, that alone is confusing. After it is over it can make us feel very uncomfortable and we can experience a lot anxiety which, ofcourse can flood the brain with cortizol. If we get upset on top of that it can create even more cortizol and that can become very disabling. If we are given a medication at first while these flashbacks come through, that can help us lower the cortizol and give us a chance to work through these memories with a therapist.

I know, it would be nice if we could just not have this happen, I hear you, I felt that way too. But, after a while I learned that these flashbacks come in like a wave, I just observe them, knowing they will have an end and also the anxiety and fear will have an end too. I found that for me, the early childhood flashbacks were/are very upsetting because I actually "am" that child in me experiencing the emotions I had at the time I was abused etc. BUT, when I talk about these experiences in therapy, the flashbacks decrease in power until finally they are just a small memory, unpleasant but a memory that I have now "consciously" addressed in the now.

A therapist doesn't want to "retramatize" a patient when exploring what comes forward in flashbacks with the patient. They would not ask a patient to remember at all unless the patient was already having these memories come forward causing them stress, even presenting them with emotional distress and confusion.

It takes time to sort through the past and understand how the past is part of who we are in the now. I had to learn so much myself, I had not truely realized that I have habits and reactions that formed as a result of my past. I had to learn about the cycles of PTSD and do my best to be very patient for the past year especially.

It clearly sounds like you are in the first phase of PTSD and it IS a challenge to understand, but it "will" slowly get better with therapy and support and time.
The most important thing to learn is to be very patient with yourself and learn how NOT to feed into it as it comes forward. You have to learn that it comes in like a wave and it will also receed. And to just "observe" and do your best to remain calm.
Observe how your body reacts and "learn" how to self sooth that too instead of feeding into it by being afraid, knowing whatever part of the cycle you are in, it will come in and then pass. And yes there is anger in the cycles as well as wanting to give up on life itself. BUT, "very important" all these feelings come in, and slowly receed and you CAN learn to be patient and not think PTSD is "your fault" somehow.

You "will" get past this stage and get to the point where you gain and begin to even feel more release about what comes forward.

It is a process to recover from PTSD, and it doesn't mean you are crazy or bad or a failure or a burden to others. Yes, I know all those feelings too. You have to understand that none of this is "your fault" and it "will slowly get better". It is a challenge but you "can" slowly gain on it, even if you wonder if you ever will.

Make sure you come here and share and vent if you need to. You are not alone, others experience this as well and they slowly learn to work through it and support is a big plus. So let yourself get support.

I am even amazed at how I got angry and snappy too. But you CAN learn to control this with time and therapy.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[TheLokiWolf]

thanks again open eyes, i really do appreciate your replies.

alot of what your saying does make sense. im just a total wreck right now. i wrote my t a letter and gave it to her. so yeah. i see her in about....17hrs. (not counting much) so ill see how it goes. im really nervous about seeing the pdoc. its taken me a good 4 months to trust my T. i hate that i have to start all over again. im still going to see my T. basically i dont like the people i have to talk to at the hospital. and so because i refuse support from them, my T is worried that i have very little support. especially when shes not available out of office hours and not on weekends. i see where shes coming from, but im a very closed off person. i have major trust issues. I have so much confusion. and im hoping my t can help me sort some of it out tomorrow. thanks for your comments though. i am feeling a little better.

((Hugs))

[Open Eyes]

(((black wolf))),

Being closed off is one of the symptoms of PTSD. There is a big desire to isolate and that is because you are very vulnerable right now. I went through that badly last year. I could come and interact in PC, which really was a life saver for me, but IRL I was struggling. And I can relate to the time it took you to trust your T, me too and being nervous about the pdoc. I can also relate to you not trusting in the hospital, I was misunderstood when I went even though I presented all the red flags for PTSD.

It sounds like you have a nice T who is genuinely concerned for you, she is right about you needing a good support system. I suffered more than I should have because I did not have the support of my family members who were mean to me which pushed me deeper into the symptoms and wanting to hide and isolate even more. I always recommend that if someone has family or a SO around it is very important they are told not to push or disrespect and they need to just support instead of make "just deal comments".

I cannot say enough to "be patient and caring to yourself". That your desire to be released from the symptoms are expressed by everyone that struggles with PTSD.
Yes, it feels like it just keeps challenging and it is tiresome too. But, know that it does improve with time, that you are not alone in how you feel and struggle either.
As I mentioned, in the first stage of PTSD, the patient is "very" sensitive. This would be much like having a painful open wound that if someone touches it at all or even the patient is not careful, it will send of an alarm of pain. So if you understand that and also that this part will eventually be less sensitive, and it takes several months to a year even with slow therapy and patience, you will understand to be patient and not fall into feeling you will never recover.

I spent a lot of time here at PC and also "learning and reading about PTSD". It is different for each person depending on the IRL situation they are in. It is not unusal for the person with PTSD to be alone, or feel alone and confused. However there are also times when the PTSD patient will want to think and think too. I never thought my brain would stop thinking and trying so hard to "solve". And at times there is a strong desire to talk and talk and talk about how it feels to struggle with PTSD too.

You talk about the snow and the wolves, well, those are just symbols of how you find comfort or even distance so you don't hurt etc. The brain is an amazing thing and it develops ways of protecting itself from too many emotional chemicals coming in. We actually have learned that "meditation" and "controlling and slowing down our breathing" lowers the emotional chemicals that present with stress, anger, sadness, and fear. I remember a great need to keep talking about how I was experiencing PTSD and I noticed that when I found a new answer or a reasoning skill of somekind, I needed to discuss everything all over again with that new puzzle piece added.

Well, unfortunately my husband sat with me many times while I tried very hard to explain how I was struggling and how I could slowly see these new little pieces and how they fit in. Well, if I had to do it all over again, I would say that he should have been coached to just listen and "support" and make sure he didn't "take on the emotions and anger" that I needed to express.

One of things that I always had was a feeling of "something was missing, something that represented the foundation for learning somehow". I always felt behind in school like I missed out on something that is learned as a foundation somehow. I always felt like I was somehow "faking" progress in a way or that whatever I gained, I had to protect somehow. I always felt like I was just being resourseful and developing my own way of learning and dealing and that I had to somehow protect it and that I was not quite up to speed with others and at the same time, I could see more about these others than the average person could see. It was almost like a "sixth sense" but not in a supernatual way, I could just sense things about people, the hidden lies about them. This is also very common for people who have PTSD or have experienced childhood abuse or trama. It is not a "sixth sense" it is, in fact, "a heightened sense of awareness".

When the PTSD patient slowly opens up to the past and areas where they felt "threatened, unwanted, or misunderstood, and even vulnerable" they need to "vent" and there is also a overall feeling that "it is something they kinda know, others might not see as important, but something that did hurt them". There is a sense that it could be seen as something they "should have been able to "just" deal with somehow" and yet they never "truely did" somehow. So any kind of reaction to a need to "express the deep hurt" that resembles a "just should learn to deal" brings out a lot of "anger" and "frustration". And this is where it is "crucial" for a PTSD patient to have a therapist that they can totally feel "safe" with so they can explore these "deep hurts" that they struggled to "just deal with". This is where someone with PTSD needs to have SUPPORT, VALIDATION, SUPPORT, VALIDATION, AND SOMEONE TO RECOGNIZE THE DEEP WOUND.

ALL who suffer from PTSD, look for a "rescuer" and they also desire "justice".
And what this means is that the person who has PTSD has experienced something, or even many things where they felt very threatened, disrespected and lacked that presence that they needed to have there for protection and could also VALIDATE that something very real and upsetting happened. There is a constant feeling in the person suffering from PTSD that if they express how they hurt, they will be invalidated and they already know from their past THAT INVALIDATION HURTS and leaves a scar that threatens their sense of worthiness that can go all the way back to early childhood. With this hidden hurt comes a feeling that they will not be able to express the hurt in a way that will afford them to finally get others to respect how they are hurt and that something interupted their ability to feel safe with their personal gains in life. They fear that what they will get is just another person who sees their weakness and will in turn use that weakness as just another way to harm them or control them somehow. There is also a deep feeling that the one who suffers from PTSD is responsible in some way or is damaged or broken and weak. So, in that feeling comes a sense of unworthiness and anger and frustration that gets turned "inward".

The brain in all mammels is designed to "learn from any situation that poses a threat or danger". All mammels develope a "heightened sense of awareness" when they encounter anything that resembles something that presented a danger to their survival. And the brain of all mammels is designed with the original programming that provides the mammel with an alert system to ensure "survival". If we study horses, dogs, and other domestic animals we will see that if they suffer abuse or are threatened or injured, they will also "remember" and will consider anything that "looks like or resembles that threat" is now something to fear and "avoid". In my own relationship with rescuing and training horses, I have learned that these animals also develope a form of PTSD as well. And when I think about the "rescuer" and what it means to someone suffering from PTSD, I have also seen first hand that animals that are rescued develope an "extreme loyalty and attachment" to the person who rescues and slowly rehabilitates them. It can also be stated that all brains of mammels and humans alike are designed to "imprint" on a parent that will "show them how to survive and thrive". It is this built in imprinting desire that enables humans to develope relationships with dogs, cats, horses and other mammels that can become responsive to developing a loyal relationship and bond.

Ofcourse human beings are much more intelligent than animals. So when we are imprinting in a "family" situation or even in a "social group" we can intellectualize what we imprint from our social environment in a much broader way. We utilize the ability to surpress things that we may find disturbing and can grow to believe that we must learn to find ways to exist in spite of whatever "disfunction" is present in our immediate family environment. The human brain is designed to obtain a lot more information than any other mammel. And whatever we experience as children that may pose as a threat is often simply pushed aside so that we can continue learning and thriving. The human brain is designed to imprint and utilize that imprinting as a foundation for all the knowledge that continues to come in as we grow and reach the age of reproduction. From the time we are very young we "believe" in the examples we are given as a "life path" that we should strive to gain. And if we are not given the recognition and nurturing where we are "valued and respected" we question that "value" until we find a way to gain a sense of "that value". We call this "self esteem".

Anyone who presents with PTSD genuinely struggles with a sense of real loss. And PTSD occurs when someone is tramatized by an event that effects their sense of safety and personal balance. It can present from a tramatic event, or it can present in someone who may be raising their own child or is involved in a situation that requires them to interact based on how they "learned and imprinted" from their childhood. We are all designed to "problem solve and interact" and even gain our sense of "emotional balance" based on our personal history that we all have storred in our memories going all the way back. Every human being is unique to their own genetics as well as their own imprinting and life experiences as they grow and develope. "We are what we know".

When someone presents with PTSD they are at a point where they are drawing off their personal history to find a sense of emotional balance and knowlege and permission to "proceed" with their lives. If this personal history has experiences that involved emotional confusion and a lack of the ability to "maintain a sense of personal safety and emotional balance and "real" solutions? The overall sense of "safety" is compromized and there is a tremendous sense of confusion that takes place.

Most of the patients that begin to present with PTSD begin with a period of "depression" where they were stunned somehow. After this takes place, they begin to sort through themselves to find ways to "regroup" and once again gain momentum.
However, what can happen is that there can be a jog of memories that begin to come forward and an awareness that "regrouping" is not available right away. For some reason the person begins to get flashes of past events that they do not understand.
All of the patients that begin presenting with PTSD get very confused when these "flashbacks" take place. And all patients begin to "withdraw" and isolate, not even realizing why, only that for some reason they need to somehow retreat from interacting normally.

When I experienced this myself, I had to learn that once this takes place, I was going to experience a lengthy time where, like it or not, I was going to recall all the events in my life where I was "threatened, confused, and somehow compromised". I was going to learn that through this lengthy period I would find it very difficult to interact normally with others while this period of PTSD was taking place. I also had to learn that during this "stage" of PTSD, I was going to be extremely "sensitve" to any interactions that resembled "any kind of abuse or personal threat" in my past. I was also going to slowly learn the reasons behind many of my personal "habits" that I had maintained for "self protection" or "heightened awareness" that I was not aware of on a conscious level. And as I was going to have to slowly address this I would also feel vulnerable, angry, suspicious, depressed, full of anxiety I could not understand, and an overwhelming feeling of how it would be very hard for me to explain what this was to others. And as this was taking place I would be constantly uttering how much I wanted it to go away and I could just wake up and no longer feel so burdened and challenged and confused. That is how PTSD feels and the last thing someone with PTSD wants is to have it get worse. So opening up with a "therapist" is something that can only be done with a complete sense of "safety to do so" as well as having a therapist that understands WHAT THIS DAM PTSD IS. And "ANYONE" that responds with any kind of "just deal" reaction is a "huge trigger" and can draw out this thing that is called "RAGE".

For "anyone" that is struggling with PTSD, the most important thing that must take place is for them to be in an environment where others around them can present them with a sense of "understanding and respect" for how PTSD is a very real challenge. Learning about what PTSD means and that with time and patience and support "healing" can take place is also important for people who are struggling with PTSD to learn. Being exposed to others that can relate to the challenges is also important so that "the alone" feeling is lessoned and there is a sense of "someone else out there understands the challenge and can relate". Understanding that PTSD has stages and there is a way to slowly work through it and that it is important to BE KIND AND PATIENT WITH "SELF" while healing is also a "must". Being able to share our past challenges and not feel ashamed is also important. To understand that if we were a victim of abuse that it was never really "our fault" is also important. Not all of the ways we chose to "survive" were bad choices. And if we were children, it is important to understand that at the time we truely did not have the capacity to understand abuse the way we understand it as adults.

PTSD, doesn't mean someone is a failure or is somehow unworthy. It doesn't mean we are forever damaged either. Whatever we did not know how to do in our past is something we can heal from and learn how to better address and resolve in the now of our lives.

The human brain is capable of "healing" but it does "take time and patience".

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I guess I am writing a book here huh? I am just trying to share what I have learned so far in my own recovery. I am in the second stage of recovery and though I am still struggling I am also recognizing my gains as well. I am very aware and experienced in how alone someone feels when they struggle with PTSD. So I try to offer up what I learned in my own struggle. It is important to reserve a part of yourself that remains optimistic, self supportive, and is willing to keep learning and healing no matter what.
It this part is a wolf, so be it, but always make sure the wolf never attacks "you" and that it is there to "protect" you so you can heal.

And remember that if you need to come here for support, there are others that can relate, listen, validate and offer support here.

(((Hugs)))

[TheLokiWolf]

thanks so much open eyes.. you sound like youve really done your research. i know im still very much a closed book. but im learning to open up with my t. as are the wolves. one has become significantly impatient. but when that happened in therapy today, my T spoke to that wolf and she calmed down. i dont really know how i feel about everything. theres not much emotion, and when there is its just blinding pain. im trying to be patient. but im feeling very cornered at the moment. i hope things improve. but its all so dark at the moment. im just frustrated i guess. ive held onto this for so long. and its just confusing and hurtful to cope with.

[Open Eyes]

(((Ok))),

I can understand that 'cornered" feeling. You have to try to slow down and take it easy and understand that some of that "cornered feeling" is coming from the past, that is what I had to learn myself. My T kept asking about my childhood but I didn't want to go there right away, I didn't see how it connected, but it connected a lot.

For me, I found that when it came to child abuse, and I was CSA, I asked questions about it first and got to listen to my T talk about it and how it happens "alot" and how hard it is for his patients to talk about it. It was my way of saying "me too" and hinting that I was getting ready to share some of my experiences.

Oh, I understand it isn't easy, and I also understand the pain as well. I had to take Klonopin to help me calm down, I don't know what I would have done without it in those very difficult times when things were coming forward and were painful.

I don't know if you are on any medications but you may need something to help you while you are in this part of the struggle with PTSD. Always remember if you can, that it is always a wave, it comes in and receeds. But I do admit that some memories left me dazed and confused for quite a few days.

After you work through this part for a while one day you will say, "gee it feels like I just woke up somehow". That is how I felt.

(((Hugs and keep trying)))
We are always here to listen and help however we can to support you.

Open Eyes

[TheLokiWolf]

thanks again.

i hear what your saying. its so hard at the moment. im not on anything to calm me down. they are trying to put me on Seroquel. but im a little hesitant. I hope it gets better. im just a massive painful wreck at the moment. i feel like im in a black hole spiraling into nothingness. i know itll get better. i do. i just dont want to remember things anymore if its going to shatter me like it has been. im in the process of writing my therapist a letter now explaining this. she said she like my letters, so i guess ill keep writing to her. it makes it easier for me too. i drew her a picture thursday, and it worried her a little. but at the same time she knows how lost and shattered i feel. so thats got to be a good thing right? i just wish there was some miraculous way for it to all go away. its silly i know. but these feelings are just taking over everything. my day, my sleep, my thoughts, my feelings. i cant escape anywhere. Im fighting urges to just run away at the moment. all i want to do is dissapear. im not even sure what i mean by that. but its how i feel. i really do appreciate the time and effort you have put into your responses, and the time you have taken to read this. it does mean alot.

(((open eyes)))

thanks again.

[Open Eyes]

(((Black Wolf))),

When people have PTSD, they have a very hard time balancing the cortizol levels in their brains. And the reason the brain trys to isolate and avoid is to protect. However at the same time it is very sensitive to any reminders of "trama".
The reason to investigate "medications" is to find a way to help your brain by providing it with more control over the "cortizol" so the delicate parts of our brain doesn't get harmed. They have learned a lot about PTSD now and have been developing medications to help a patient control the anxiety as well as help restore the areas that have suffered. So, it isn't just all about thinking. However it is important that you get asisitance to help you learn ways to consciously "lower" your anxiety. This "can" happen, you "can" learn to help yourself instead of just being frightened by it and unknowingly feeding into it.

What you are feeling is "normal" to those that struggle with PTSD. It is "not your fault" and "it is a real challenge" and "you will need lots of time to slowly heal".
Never be hard on yourself if you struggle, you need time and guidance to help you heal.

(((Hugs)))

[TheLokiWolf]

i know the meds are meant to help with anxiety and sleep and all that. im just concerned about the side effects. i see my therapist tomorrow morning. ill be talking to her about it. she said shed find out everything she can about it. so hopefully we can make a decision based on what we both know about it. i finished the letter i was writing to her as well. it explains about my thoughts, feelings and fears. she says she likes my letters and that they help her so ill give that to her tomorrow as well. i hope i dont feel like this too much longer. its becoming unbearable. but my letter explains that. thanks again for youelr reply open eyes.

(((open eyes)))