[Big Mama]

Hey all,
I guess I am all alright compared to the usual me. At the moment I am lonley, down, self absorbed, exausted mentally, broken, confused, lost, and who knows what else.

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster . I spent time stuck at the bottom and it was hell, absolute hell. Life as I know it was nearly over, but here I am, no longer in absolute hell but trying to get up the mountain. I feel like I am sliding backwards into the pits of hell again. It is so hard to keep my head above water. I want to scream, cry, break things, talk, connect. It is very frustrating sometimes.

I am in limbo. H and I are working on things. I feel like a looser. He does things, I want to leave, I convince myself to stay, I'm glad I did then I feel like crap because I ha ve no back bone.

Things are good between us at the moment. It is absolute hell knowing or if not knowing protecting myself against what I assume still the same hell and torment in a few weeks. The not knowing, the inability to let go of the past, and guarding myself against my H's words consumes me some days. The T says h is trying to change. I know that. She gets frustrated w/ me and my expecting bad things to happen, waiting for the worst and not giving the positive a chance. She has never been there. She admits she and her H get along great. But she says I am not giving my H a fair chance to forgive. I am setting him up for failure. I don't see it that way. I see the cycle of past events and I see it repeat it's self over and over.

How can I put myself in harms way. How can I stand by unguarded while this man rips my heart out w/ his words. He's like a kitten. He looks harmless enough but he will sink his claws into you and draw blood when you least expect it. I'm tired of all of this. I have no choice but to proceede. The sun comes up and another day begins. Another day to push threw the pain and confusion. Another day to feel spineless. It is nap time for little one. It is nap time for me to today. Maybe sleep will help.

Thank you for listening.

[Open Eyes]

(((Big Mama))),

You have to be patient with yourself, your relationship and therapy. You are working through PTSD, are becoming very self aware, and seeing whatever unhealthy things are there too. But you have to remember, PTSD really magnifies everything, it really takes time to work through it.

Yes, there are probably times when your husband slips, gets snotty or even mean, I experienced that too. Remember, he is coming from a different place than you are subconsciously, he has had his own issues, at least he is "trying" to work at it.

Remember, that the PTSD is going to bring out reactions in you to "run, fight, and over react, and then experience a sense of feeling you are lost and unworthy". You have to be patient with all of this. Yes, for a while it feels like you climb to a point where you feel like you gain some ground, then slip back down. Healing with PTSD "is" up and down, but there will be gaining too. Be patient with everything.

(((Hugs)))

((((Mama)))) oh dear, what stands out for me in your post is that you mentioned your T is frustrated WITH YOU for going at your own pace and for taking things super slow...and for not understanding your needs. Especially, that she doesn't understand the fact that you NEED to guard yourself (protect yourself), because she has a good relationship with her H. That doesn't sound very supportive at all. Especially with all that you have been through / and are going through.

I am confused

One second, she sounds like a Mama Lion protecting you FROM H because he can be scary/dangerous (you have a safety plan), and then next minute, it sounds as if she is pushing you out of the nest on/at him, encouraging you to be vulnerable and let your guard down...like a baby bird being thrown out of the nest into a pack of wolves.

I hope you will give yourself a gigantic break, my dear friend. You are living under the same roof as someone you are afraid of and dealing with healing past traumas. And that you cannot - for all intents and purposes - get away from.

Perhaps you are the type of person that naturally needs your breathing space and some alone time. I know after T, the LAST thing I want to do is be around anyone. It is hard. I feel spent and exhausted and sometimes not well.

If he is in your face all the time, making demands of you, and then on top of everything else, you have to service him at his whim, where is the "me time" in all of that for you to heal enough to let your guard down.

I am sorry but I just wish (sooo much) that he would pick up a dish, rub your back, kiss your hand, bring you flowers, take the kids for the day so you can hang out with the girls. Or do whatever it is that you love to do.

You are precious.

[Big Mama]

OE thanks, it is just hard to keep my head up some days. I feel defeated.

"Rose you are exactly right:

One second, she sounds like a Mama Lion protecting you FROM H because he can be scary/dangerous (you have a safety plan), and then next minute, it sounds as if she is pushing you out of the nest on/at him, encouraging you to be vulnerable and let your guard down...like a baby bird being thrown out of the nest into a pack of wolves"

This is anextreemly accurate depiction of what is going on. I don't know what she is looking for. She seems to think it is easy to just throw my hands up, let my guard down and say sure, here, all is forgiven, I know you will be an *** next week but for today lets play love.

Nope not this ol girl. Scare me ,yell at me, don't give me money, keep me praticially hostage, then act like all is good. Play nice, be calm, question why I'm like I am, act like you care, then baam!!!! He is back, it was all a sham, pretending, lies, and totally fake. Then he blames me for not letting him in to my heart. I just don't know. I feel stupid for staying, I was so close to leaving and now I stayed and I feel used because I decided to stay.

((((Mama)))) in your own time ... whatever you need to do right now to feel safe and cherished and protected. Also, it takes a heck of a lot of energy to make big changes.

You are taking care of you. But you are also taking care of the children. And the home. And are close with your family. And active in the church. Whew. That is a lot. Give yourself permission for baby steps.

Perhaps you can think about how you can be kinder and more compassionate with yourself. You are doing the best you can with the coping skills you have....maybe you and T can talk about ways you can ask for what you need while you are all living under the same roof.

You are not stupid. You are quite intelligent. If you are feeling used, or sucked dry, think about ways with T how you can express that to H in "man-speak" so you dont feel so awful while you are gaining.

I know you probably cannot see it right now, but you have made great strides.

[Big Mama]

Rose, All I can say is thank you. That doesn't even begin to touch how much I appriciate what you have to say. Thank You is the only word of appriciation and kindness I can think of.
THANK YOU.

[adam_k]

I'm glad things are on the up swing for you and I'm sorry your in so much pain atm. When me and my wife fight I fight I find it emotionally devastating. I just shut down and quit feeling anything. It is scary to open yourself up to someone and have them so angry at you sometimes. I hope your H changes and works on being better for you. You've always giving me kind words and I think you are an awesome person. There muat be some part of him in there that loves and cares about you, I hope he shows you more of that side and less anger.

[Big Mama]

Thank you Adam, There are parts of him there that love me. He tells me he loves me, but his actions don't show it and neither do his words.

I have just come threw the other side of emotional hell. Last Tuesday compared to this Tuesday. My goodness what a difference a week can make. Last week I was ready, beyond ready, to pack my bags. This week. Here I still am. I think I'm happy w/ my choice to stay. But two weeks from now will I still be happy w/ my choice to stay. Most likely not. But who knows. Thank you for you kind responce.

[Open Eyes]

Big Mama,

There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that would be good for you to read. You will be saying "that is me" alot. However, I think if your husband read it he might say, "that is me alot" too.

From what you have shared about how your husband grew up, he was a "codependant". He was expected to pick up the pieces and provide because his mother was mentally ill and thus began his "codependant mindset".

Just telling someone to "change their behaviors" isn't enough, they have to understand "why" they behave and feel the way they do. Your husband needs to know why he reacts to you, lashes out at you, so badly. Otherwise all he is going to be doing is "stuffing" and yes, he will stuff for a week and then the next week begin to act poorly again.

Your husband drank and then he just stopped, but he didn't go to AA, he just stopped and stuffed and never got to address his "isms".

It isn't just you that can "isolate" and feel "imprissioned" in this relationship, in my opinion, it is him too. And "neither" of you will be able to have a successful relationship with each other or anyone else until you learn to understand "why" you have some inner chants that keep you imprisoned in the mindsets you are "both" displaying.

This problem "can" lead to a person being misunderstood as a person who might be NPD. The OCD like symptoms that your husband is displaying "may" be part of his own inner circle of confusion, where he is so busy trying to keep his environment "in order" so that it brings him a sense of control because his inner self constantly feels threatened or out of order.

Men can show different charectoristics then women show with "codependancy" problems. Women can find themselves "crying and lonely" alot, whereas men can fill up with anger, more need to control, and have to keep moving and working if they are not "drinking or using a positive outlet where they can let go somehow".

So, I strongly recommend you make it a point to get this book and read it. Before you make any decisions about "getting away or leaving this relationship" you need to be able to see what is broken in you, him, and the relationship itself.

Also, in order to make gains on PTSD, you have to "learn" and add some information into your brain that can help you quiet down the way you have been cycling in confusion. If you only know how to function as a "codependant" then when you experience the symptoms in your brain that result from "PTSD", you will be constantly trying to find a resolve with the same kind of problem solving that never really worked for you before. And this process of slowly healing and learning takes "time" Big Mama.

I have talked to you before about how we can learn how to tie our shoes and we develope the ability to tie our shoes without even thinking about it. There are alot of things we learn in our lives where we can do it and not even think about it as if our brains are on "auto pilot". In fact if you pay attention, you probably can do alot of chores, even feed and water and care for your pony on automatic, yet your mind is not on that, it is pondering and thinking about something else, maybe even PC and therapy and other challenges. Well, this is what our brains can do, function certain ways without our consciously realizing it. So, the same can be true for how we may unknowlingly react to others when we interact with them in relationships.

How I can relate to what you are going through myself, is that because I have been struggling with PTSD, I lost the ability to "dissasociate or ignore" the bad behavior patterns my husband treated me with in the past. Instead because of the way PTSD magnifies all the "intrusive things that were hurting me", I could no longer ignore my husbands bad behavior patterns. In fact, I found myself "reacting to these bad behaviors with alot of anger, my reactions "popped out" before I was consciously aware of the reactions. It often "caught me by surprise" and even left me somewhat confused, even embarassed that I had failed to control the ways I would just "react".

Well, Big Mama, my therapist had to explain to my husband what PTSD meant and how to be careful how he treats me and be more patient and understanding. The problem with that though was that my husband was not aware of "his part" in how I was struggling. He wasn't aware of his "underlying issues" that aggrivated the PTSD and were toxic in our relationship.

I can sooo relate to how you struggle and how an effort is made by your husband that can last for a few days only to pop up and return to once again trigger and upset you.
I have been dealing with that myself and my husband tends to walk in the door with such an angry bad attitude if he has had a bad day, and he can forget how that affects me, affects the way he treats me and that aggrivates the PTSD I am challenged with.

What I "can" say though, is that he "does" work on some of these inner issues in his AA meetings. He does begin to "remember that he needs to stop taking "his" issues out on me". However, I am still working through this PTSD, so there are times where I can feel like a partner in my relationship that can't quite hold up my part. I have had to really learn how to be patient with all of this, so yes, I hear you, it is alot of hard work, and can be very tiring.

I hear you Big Mama, get this book and be very kind and patient with "self".

(((((Very caring hugs)))))

[Big Mama]

Thank you OE. I will certinly look into this book. Right now I am reading "To good to leave, to bad to stay". IT is very interesting. It's eye opening. It has a lot of good things to think about.

Well we have T tonight so hopefully T will help some not stir up more discord.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, that sounds like an interesting book. The book that I am suggesting will really ring some bells for you "about yourself" though. And that is very "helpful" when working through PTSD, because the healing comes from being able to see how you, yourself may react to things in unhealthy ways that you are "just not seeing" right now. I could identify with alot of things when I read the book. I sometimes have to go back to it too and think about it again to make sure I am not missing something important about myself that is holding me back.

I hope your therapist is doing some "probing" with your husband in the sessions. Not just asking him to "talk in better tones" but also that he needs to really "observe what he says to you and what his "motives" are behind what he says or how he treats you".

I cannot say enough how important it is to "self observe", we learn so much about ourselves when we make a decision to pay attention to how we react and feel as well as our "own motives". It is very easy to see others who may not treat you the way you "feel you deserve" as monsters when you have PTSD. Well, you have to look deeper than that, be objective too.

For example Big Mama, I have a lot of challenges going on in my life too. I have elderly parents that have issues right now, and an older sister that is very "controlling", it has only been the past couple of months that I have even been able to talk to her at all without getting severely triggered to a point where I just "shut down". My older sister has taken over with my parents, put herself in the "controlling spot" where she can have "legal powers" that I do not have. Talking to her is like playing the operation game, if I am not very careful I can set off a buzzer in her to a point where she shuts me out. She is a "drama queen" so it is hard for me to know what is "the reality" or what she is "blowing up out of poportion".

I talked about it with my T today, he cited some possible NP problems with her. But I don't want to just place her there and hold her up as some kind of monster. Instead I am trying to see "her reality" and what is "really" her motives in this situation. And if she is used to "knowing how to manipulate me" in unhealthy ways, I have to think about not falling into some kind of "codependant" role, and yet effectively interact in ways that are "healthier" for me and the situation. This is not something I could do before because the PTSD was so crippling, but because I have been "gaining" on that, and not just "spinning in my own head, but also learning" I am more capable of taking these careful steps now.

That is what I am trying to encourage you to do, work on yourself "first", having the T help you create a better environment to do that in, then you can tackle some of these bigger decisions and not just "fight or flight" or descend deeper into the PTSD.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

OE thank you. T did not go super great. It was more like 50.00 was wasted. But that is ok. We can't have what we need all the time. We are all not at the top of our game 100% of the time. Hopefully my H walked away w/ something useful.

I am going to the library tomorrow. I'll check and see it they have that one.

[Open Eyes]

Be patient, keep working on "you" and the rest will eventually come to you. Sometimes T appointments don't seem to be as productive, but you are still working at it and your husband "did" go too. It really takes time to put all the healing pieces together, I have been finding that is true for myself as well.

(((Gentle caring Hugs)))

((((Mama)))) thinking of you. How did it go last night?