Need to tell somebody

I lived right by the beach and the waves were realy big and a lot of cliffs and rocks.
I went fishing there a lot. I forgot the time though my mother had given me a tide tabel and I was really far out. So I'm running home and I see an older boy and I tell him to go home or he'll drown.
He then grabs me by the arm and tells me to take of my clothes. I get lose and run for it. He fires a gun and by some mirracle it does not hit me but a large wave does. We end up in the water together, he can not swim and grabs my shoulders so I dive and my hands find a rock, I come up, hit him on the head and then I swim. I was so sure I was dead when I came to myself on the shore.
My neighbour told me to be careful because a boy had just drowned.
I never dared tell a soul why, sure they would find me and put me in jail. I'm still scared they will but I can not live with it alone anymore.
I have flashbacks often when poeple grab hold of my shoulders when I'm in water. This is bad because I teach swimming lessons to small children and they have a tendency to do that. My automatic reaction is to dive and that makes them let go, but what really scares me is that my hands keep looking for the rock.
My dreams are not always on the specifik situation (though that is most common) but also about killing people that I care about, Is this normal? I have trouble controling my temper so I'm scared that there's really something wrong with my head.

YES........ I would say that your dreams are very normal indeed - it is your subconscious mind (that which holds all) trying to HEAL from the wounds that lay deep within you, hidden from rest of the world.
I personally feel that talking about this will HELP you to HEAL and to EASE your inner pains.... keep talking we are listening.

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
BTW - I think what you did that particular day would be exactly what many of us here on PC would have done..... you did not know that he was to die that day - you were fearing for your life and your sexuality being taken.

welcome to PC. it was a horrible thing that happened to you. i'm sorry you have carried the memory all alone. i'm glad you can finally speak about it. do you have access to counseling? it would probably be a good idea to have a face to face therapist to help you deal with your feelings. may i ask, how old were you when this happened?

What a HUGE burden you have been carrying alone!Its good that you have come here to tell your story... and I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself for doing what you had to do to surivive.

It is natural to defend yourself when threatened,and I'm happy you were able to protect yourself from an attacker. It is his own fault that things ended up the way they did.

You started out trying to help him and he took advantage of that... .I'm sorry you have had to deal with it all without anyone to talk to.

Keep talking.. share as much as you are able... take it in small steps... you can find a way to heal from this.We are here for you and you are safe.

I personally think you are very brave and strong to have endured this. It will get better.. and you are not alone.

Peace...

I was 12 years old. It will be five years ago soon and I still can't let it go. It took a lot of effort for me to get back in the water, but I felt I had to or somebody would know something was wrong.
I tried to see a psykologist this summer because my scouts leader sent me there after I got stuck under a boat. It brought it back and I went in to shock.
Before I got there I had planned that I would tell him everything. But he looked me into my eyes and everytime people do that I feel acused, I get scared and remember every bad thing I ever did. Since the problem I haven't been comfortable being alone with people, a lot of people is fine but one or two gets me nervous. All I want to do is run. so I just told him about the boat and said I was fine and left.

And thanks, it means a lot to hear somebody say that it was natural.
I have tried to justify to myself what I had done, but I always learned that killing somebody, no matter what is the worst commandment to break. I tell myself that he could not have survived anyway because he couldn't swim very well, but still I can not figure why I had to hit him when I was lose and he was no longer a threat, but I wasn't thinking, maybe it's just pure instinct, but a better pperson would have swum away, thats what I keep thinking. If I had just swum away. That's not logical, wasting energy hitting somebody on the head when you have a lot of swimming in rough waters in front of you, It just doesn't make sense.

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Is_this_the_right_place said:
I have tried to justify to myself what I had done, but I always learned that killing somebody, no matter what is the worst commandment to break.

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Sweety please know that God does not put SIN into categories.... that is a human thing.... to God SIN is SIN no matter if one lies, kills or steals - make PeAcE with God and yourself for this was clearly an accident and not a cruel evil act that came from within you.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

the desire of a body to live is huge. you were threatened and your body reacted to save itself. sin doesn't live there. i hope you find plenty of support here and get strong enough to have your very own compassionate counselor in your 3D life.
I'm sorry your first attemp didn't work out. Finding the right therapist is not always easy. I hope you can forgive yourself for being a survivor. Take care.

Thanks, it helps to hear you say that. I'll try to think of it as just an accident.

I think I'll wait a bit with going to a therapist though, I don't think I can. Being under eighteen the guy i went to is the only therapist I could go to without having to see my parents about it first and he told me if it turned out to be serious and I had to come more than three times he would have to tell them anyway.

I just can't tell my parents. I know that sounds really childish, but I just can't.

hon, may i ask why you can't tell your parents? or some other adult family member?

It's a hard question. I'll try to make it short.

we aren't very close. My mother loves working so she does that a lot. She switches jobs often and likes it to be in new exotic places so we move around often. She also sleeps around a lot, and my father still madly in love with her has started drinking a lot. And that pretty much leaves me with relatives or family, wherever it's most convienient. If they move too far away, they take me with them of course.

I act like the person they want me to be and that way we get on fine. I doubt they would listen and if they did it would mean having a relationship with my parents, and I don't want that anymore.

I think that's why I can't tell.

Oh sweet, sweet girl... I wish i could give you a hug... a good "mom" hug.. where you could cry and feel safe doing it... where you could let all your feelings out without worry. this is what you need.

Please know that our bodies are designed to protect ourselves.. the adrenal gland automatically does its job.. flight or fight... and you fought.. you fought until you felt safe enough to take flight.

You didn't mean for this guy to die.. you didn't set you to kill him...you protected yourself from an attacker.. that was so natural and brave that you should be proud that you were able to keep yourself from being raped and God knows what else that could have happened.

Talk as much as you need to here.. we are here for you and with you.. you do not have to deal with this alone anymore.everything wil be okay.

Thank you, it's wonderful with so many caring people. It feels strange having let it all out. A little scary, and tense. Don't know if it's good. Makes me think a lot. But the good things you say make me happy.

I also deem it self defense. You had no way of knowing all that that person would do to you...what makes you think he would not have killed you?

Please don't continue to put this off... PTSD does not get better with time... begin working on this now, I agree with your Scout leader... it can torment your very soul and ruin the rest of your life. You don't have to come clean as though it was a murder, though, imo. But you do need to go through the event with someone who knows how to help you.

You might not even be remembering it all correctly... the brain does that with trauma... you may have been more threatened than you are recalling.

Yes, to make someone let go of you in the water, if they are panicking, is to go under... but did you know that then? It sounds like since you know how to do this now... that maybe that is all you should have done then... and of course, how could you of? Often when a larger person grabs someone in the water, they both drown. You rescued yourself. I'm sorry you are still suffering because of an attack upon YOU.

Please go to the T... and tell the story with how you aren't sure you are remembering all the details... and you are so suffering for this.... You were a child... and did a very good job of keeping yourself safe!

Are there any relatives you like and think like you who have expressed any concern over your moving around a lot? Could you plead your case to live with someone so you can finish school all in one place (my parents put off moving an entire year when my father retired so my brother could finish school in the same school he started) and then find counseling?

(((right place)))

I'll be staying around here to finish gymnasium the next two years, but my parents are still my legal guardians and arcording to the law a therapist would have to inform my parents if I go there. At least that's what the guy I went to said. I guess if it dosn't get better soon I'll have to try again and go anyway but I don't know how.
I lived with it five years so maybe it's just a bad patch and all I have to do is focus on something else, but then they haven't been pleasant years and I'm sick of it, and I can't concentrate in school when not sleeping.
I want to listen to your advice and maybe just tell them I was going and not why and they would ask in a way so that I would have to tell them why I was going, and I can't. It scares me to talk to them, and I'm scared of going to a therapist because I have a general problem speaking directly to people, though mostly my parents. I'm fine with crowds but being alone with one or two persons gets me nervous, always has. And if they ask me questions about myself and get too close I tremble and my voice breaks. It's gotten worse after the accident, but I did it before too. I don't think I would like it at all and I don't even know if it's going to help or just get me more scared.

I know going would be the right thing to do, and just get on with it but I don't know how.

The most important thing to tell yourself is: IT IS NOT MY FAULT! Say this to yourself often. You have no need to feel guilty. Your reaction was natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

Is there a telephone line you can call in Denmark (like ChildLine or the Samaritans) where you can just talk? This might help you since you won't be in the same room as someone.

that might be a good idea, thaks i'll try to find it