[Bodiesneverfound]

Has this been an issue for anyone else on here? I imagine it must be since it comes with the territory but my PTSD has gotten very bad and I feel completely alone and alienated and I fear it is my fault. I have suffered sexual and emotional abuse as a child, lived through numerous sexual assaults and rapes, and just recently left an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationship. I've been struggling with PTSD since before this relationship but it has never been this bad until recently.
The smallest things will trigger me. I feel like I am constantly on edge, like I have to be ready to defend myself at all times because for the last four years I had to do this to survive. I've developed horrible social anxiety, I've always struggled with this as well, but now it's crippling. I automatically think if anyone talks to me that they are going to try to rape or attack me and I can't relax. I struggle with intrusive thoughts and flashbacks as well. I meditate, I go to therapy every week, and I take xanax whenever I feel panicky (which is nearly all the time now) but I'm still not doing well.
For the last four years I was a total shut in. I only socialized with my ex so I don't have any friends in the town I live in. I have a few people I know who have been supportive of me that I got back in touch with after the breakup and while my family is supportive right now because of our past history of abuse I don't feel fully comfortable with them.
I've been trying to meet people because I am desperately lonely and I want to have a normal life again. I want to get out the house and do things. I want to have fun again. I have a lot of hobbies- I do karate, yoga, I write, I shoot guns for fun, I am a huge music nerd and I love going to shows but only if I can dance or mosh and I love being outdoors. I've met people through these hobbies but then I injured my ankle and have not been able to participate in them anymore resulting in me sitting around alone all day with all this nervous energy and trying to study but not being able to (I'm premed). Physical exercise was how I socialized and relieved my anxiety and now that I can't do that for a while I've been going nuts. I haven't been going to the karate dojo or the yoga studio long enough to really meet people and get phone numbers so until I can go back it's hard to meet anyone.
I was able to meet some new people a few months ago but I unfortunately messed things up with them. Here's what keeps happening in a nutshell- things go along fine with new people and then I have a meltdown for some reason. Like a huge meltdown.
The first time it happened I was on a date with someone I didn't know very well. I was horribly uncomfortable and I know this is the worst solution possible but I couldn't see any other way to get through the night- I got drunk. Really drunk. I'm not sure what exactly happened or what I did but I've been able to piece it together. He didn't want me to drive home because he thought I would get in a wreck or get a DUI so he told me not to. Guys telling me what to do is a huge trigger for me so I apparently caused a scene and ran off (my house is in walking distance and after a long detour wandering around being drunk and freaked out I made it back okay). Needless to say we never went on a second date and now his mutual friends don't talk to me much anymore either.
Then the next time it happened I was at a friend's house. I don't remember what happened. Once again I was drinking as at this point in time I honestly can't handle being around people without a drink or xanax and xanax just makes me sleepy. I know this wasn't a smart move on my part but if I didn't do it I'd seriously never leave the house. Unless I'm drunk or on xanax I can't even let anyone touch me. But anyway... one second everything was fine, then apparently I mistook him for my ex, thought he was going to hurt me and punched him in the face, then ran off. I don't remember this. Next thing I know I'm wandering around his neighborhood panicking and I've got my pepper spray out and I don't know why and I'm knocking on neighbor's doors to ask for help. Thankfully I realized where I was and that I wasn't in danger so I went back to his house fully sober at this point and a friend stayed up with me all night. I got lucky and he forgave me but frankly it scared the **** out of me.
It happened again last weekend. I had met someone who I actually felt comfortable with for some reason, even sober, and we'd gone a few casual dates. I really enjoyed spending time with him. I was up front immediately about my PTSD and he asked me what to do if I had a blackout or flashback and I told him to just listen to what I say I need and make sure I don't hurt myself but not to make any sudden moves that would startle me. I told him worse case scenario to grab my phone and call my therapist or my family or even 911 if it was that bad. I also let him know that most the time when this happens I can't be touched. So we were hanging out with another friend who didn't know this about me. We were in the car and I don't remember exactly what it was we were talking about but I know it was related to abuse, rape, etc. I got really upset and told him to pull over so I could barf and that I didn't want to be touched under any circumstances. I remember repeatedly saying that I did not want to be touched and to just give me a minute. His friend wouldn't respect me though and ran at me to give me a hug but it startled me and I pulled a knife on her before she got too close because once again, I didn't want to be touched and thought she was going to hurt me.(I've been carrying knives for self defense and utility for years and the knives I carry are legal in my state).
He ended up getting really mad at her for doing that and kicked her out of his house that night (they were sort of dating too so it was kind of a big deal). I went home (don't know how I made it there but I did) and got to bed safely. Apparently I called someone at 11am and said a bunch of things that didn't make sense and I have no recollection whatsoever of doing this.
At this point in time he and another two friends (both of whom live out of state) are the only people I feel even remotely comfortable with. However he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and I can understand. He told me I didn't do anything wrong and that his friend should have respected my space and apologized and I apologized to both her and him but he still isn't too keen on hanging out with me again and I can't blame him. He's worried that I may hurt someone and frankly so am I. I have never been violent except in self defense but as I told him, it's entirely possible that I could misread a situation and think I am being attacked when I really am not and hurt somebody. At the same time I feel very strongly about our right to bear arms and I am very big on self defense. I do not feel safe without the weapons I carry (all legal and not all lethal) and there is nothing anyone can do or say to get me not to carry them so please don't tell me not to- I won't listen. My knife has saved my life more than once so I'm a bit attached to it as you can imagine.

I met a few other new people too that didn't work out, not because of anything I did but because they really were toxic people and I had to cut them out of my life this week. They were pressuring me to have sex with them, to go places I didn't feel safe with them, etc so I had to cut that off too. So right now I feel incredibly isolated and lonely.
I'm at least at the point where I can stand up for myself and make healthy decisions about the people in my life who are hurting me but I feel like I've alienated myself from people who could actually be good for me. I feel so alone and I feel like it's my fault. I have no one to turn to. All the people I could talk to don't want to deal with the drama anymore or are so far away geographically that it just isn't the same nor can I count on them to always be there to answer the phone.
My question is does this happen a lot with PTSD? Do you guys have moments where you blackout, have flashbacks, meltdowns, etc and lose friends over it? How do you get over it? How do you find healthy people and keep them? How do you get over the social anxiety? Do you lose track of hours and blackout and not know where you are or think you're back in that situation again even when you're sober? That happens to me a lot more now than it used to. Sorry that was so long winded but I had to get it out. I had no idea this was getting so bad and I'm heartbroken over losing the few healthy people I knew and having to cut out the others who weren't good for me. I'm at my wit's end and I don't know what to do anymore.

[unaluna]

Umm - why do you think a knife is not lethal? It sounds to me like you're just setting yourself up to be around bad stuff by drinking etc, then being surprised when it happens? I don't understand.

[Bodiesneverfound]

Originally Posted by hankster

Umm - why do you think a knife is not lethal? It sounds to me like you're just setting yourself up to be around bad stuff by drinking etc, then being surprised when it happens? I don't understand.

I meant I have both lethal and non lethal ways of defending myself. I'm well aware a knife is lethal. I'm having a rough time just getting out of the house my social anxiety is so bad and drinking makes it go away but then it tends to turn on me. That's why I'm taking a break from it for a while.

[Bodiesneverfound]

And I'm not surprised anymore when this stuff happens. I was at first because it never used to. I used to drink and have fun and nothing bad ever happened but apparently that's changed. I was wondering if anyone else had similar problems or any solutions. I'm at a loss. It's like I can't be around people at all anymore because I either feel the need to self medicate with alcohol and then I have these freak outs or I'm too freaked out in the first place to even force myself to walk out the door. I feel like I'm ruining my life.

[unaluna]

Oh I see. You need like a bodyguard. Like me and my gf used to do for each other. She would drink and I would drive. Guys would ask her out but not me - she would say no but I would have said heck yes. So I would joke that she was my bodyguard and I was her chauffeur.

[A Red Panda]

Alcohol+weapons is a bad mix. I know that you might feel safer with having the knives on you..... but one of these days are you going to kill or really injure someone. And then you will have ruined someone else's life, and ruined your own. I would really suggest leaving them at home when you're going to be drunk.... One or the other is alright, but both at once is a horrible idea. Or you know, go out with the weapons and not be drunk.

Which I know would be hard because you don't feel safe without both. I also know you will ignore me, but I don't feel right not speaking up about it - you don't have a right to risk hurting someone else, and it's wrong of you to willingly do that.

I hope you can make some female friends to have as your drinking-buddies. It seems like most of the people you spend time with are guys whom you are somewhat dating - which so easily makes them triggers for you. It's like you are setting yourself up for disaster... with lethal weapons on hand, alcohol to make you more jumpy and less clear-headed, and a huge trigger nearby which will even more easily trigger you with alcohol in your system.

I am really sorry that you've gone through so much though. Are you talking to a therapist about things? I know you said you're on xanax... but you haven't mentioned a therapist. They would be able to eventually help you work on your triggers and your response to them.

[Bodiesneverfound]

I'm talking with my therapist about this and I've come to realize I have some substance abuse issues. His advice to me was that I stop drinking and only hang out sober around those I trust. This is hard for me because I don't really trust many people and I've come to realize I have some substance abuse issues but I'm scared and I don't want to hurt anyone. I can't part with my weapons- they are too much a security thing for me but I trust myself to use them responsibly when I am sober so much as I hate to say it I guess I'm going to have to be sober. He also told me that I shouldn't be hanging out with guys period. I tend to get along with guys better because most my hobbies are more masculine things and it's harder to find girls with the same interests but I know they are out there. I made a few plans this weekend with some girls and while I don't feel comfortable going sober I'm going to do it. After all, how else can I get over social anxiety? And if I feel the need I can always leave. Wish I did have a bodyguard lol.

[Bodiesneverfound]

I forgot to mention but I'm also starting to learn what my triggers are. I had just gotten back from a family trip to the house I was abused at (had to sleep in the same bed for a few days and that was rough) so that explains why I've been so on edge. I didn't even realize it till he said it. I also just can't talk about abuse, rape, etc right now even if it doesn't relate to me. I can't be in sexual situations (much as I feel the need for sexual validation) and I can't be around guys much. I find it triggering too when people try to touch me when I tell them not to or when people tell me what to do or invalidate my experiences. I'm nervous about the whole sobriety thing but I'd rather be sober than repeat what I've been doing. Any tips on getting over the anxiety while sober? It's very hard for me right now especially because I'm a college kid and people are always shoving free drinks in my face.

[A Red Panda]

Just take it slow and steady. Maybe join a club or two that doesn't have a necessity on being there every time? Where you can drop in and it'll be familiar faces, but if you don't show up or if you have to leave early it will be ok.

Do you get anxious in crowds or around groups of people? If so.. why not pick somewhere calmer that has a lot of people - like your school library? Take your homework or course readings there... and then find a spot that's as high-traffic as you can handle and then get to work.

Can you form a study group with anyone in your courses? It would be a common topic to work on, plus the added benefit of aiding you with your classes.

I don't deal well with people touching me either - although I have no clear reason as to why that's an issue for me. I think it should be easy enough to tell someone "we can't talk about that" if they bring up the subjects of rape or abuse. It's not a common topic and most people will respect your desire to not talk about that - you don't even have to tell them it's from experience, just that the topic makes you feel umcomfortable.

I hope you will have a good time out with the girls! If you aren't sure if you can handle staying out with them for long... and if you aren't comfortable with telling them why you want to leave early... just tell them when you arrive that you've got a pretty bad headache and aren't sure if you'll be able to stay out for very long. Then if you're comfortable with staying you can, and if you aren't after a while then you can tell them that the headache is getting worse and bail out. It's a lie, but I think that's the sort of lie that's ok and I do that myself sometimes.

[Bodiesneverfound]

Also I forgot to mention this but I am bisexual and the girl I had an issue with was also a date. I guess I just can't date right now. And as far as weapons go I am uncomfortable even in my house without them (it's got a lot to do with how I was raised, my granfather and father were policement and believe in keeping weapons for protection if you live alone which I do) but I'm going to only hang out with people I feel I can trust and I've started telling them that I carry, what I carry and where just in case and to give them the opportunity to not hang out with me if they aren't comfortable. It's hard to make myself even that vulnerable but I don't want to hurt anyone.

[Bodiesneverfound]

Oh yeah and one more thing... I keep forgetting stuff and I don't want to write a novel haha. But the issue with the girl I was with was that I kept telling her I needed to talk about something else and she wouldn't. Also kept telling her not to touch me and she wouldn't do that either. I had to cut another friend out of my life this week because she does the same thing. She was abused too so sometimes we both lean on each other and we feel the need to talk but when it gets to be too much and I tell her we need to change the subject because it is upsetting me she refuses to do it and keeps bringing it back up. I love her dearly but right now it isn't healthy for me to be around her so I had to stop talking with her.

[Stone83]

I find it is a bad idea to ask for help, yet tell people you won't listen to the advice. How will it help you to be closed minded? No matter the reasons when you refuse to listen you refuse help. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, do I want help or attention? It sounds like you have a lot of things going on. My advice would be pick one thing at a time to address and focus on that, not everything all at once.

[Bodiesneverfound]

Originally Posted by Stone83

I find it is a bad idea to ask for help, yet tell people you won't listen to the advice. How will it help you to be closed minded? No matter the reasons when you refuse to listen you refuse help. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, do I want help or attention? It sounds like you have a lot of things going on. My advice would be pick one thing at a time to address and focus on that, not everything all at once.

I do want help, I'm just not willing to give up my weapons as they are the only things that make me feel safe anymore. That's the only thing I'm closed off too which may or may not be healthy but I just can't do that right now. But I do want help with all these issues. It's hard because I barely even know where to begin.

[Bodiesneverfound]

So I'm feeling a bit more hopeful today. I've been trying to think of ways to meet new people I feel safe with and places I can go where I don't feel the need to carry weapons with me. I've never felt the need to carry a weapon at my yoga studio or my karate dojo and I've been doing physical therapy for my injuries and it's working out well plus they offer gentle classes at my yoga studio and both places are aware of my injuries and can work around me. I need a job and I've been considering teaching yoga as I've been doing it for over five years now and I love it. My yoga studio offers a free yoga teacher training program that would work with my school schedule perfectly. It requires you to live a monastic lifestyle and go vegan (I'm iffy on the vegan thing because I am anorexic and I'm afraid dieting might trigger me but I'll talk to the program director about that) and we're not supposed to drink or do any other drugs. I think this would be healthy for me at this point. I have been wanting to come off my psychiatric medications (I'll be working with my psychiatrist about this so I can do it safely and I know there is the chance I may be one of those people who need them long term but may as well give it a shot) as well as quit drinking temporarily (or who knows- maybe forever but I'm hoping when I'm in a better place mentally I can handle drinking every now and then). I want to go straight edge for a while and focus on yoga and meditation in order to come back to myself after the many years of abuse I've suffered and I truly want to be healthy. I don't want to become the monsters I've fought for so many years. And like I said it took a couple days for me to think of it but I do feel safe without weapons in those places and maybe I could meet other people in the teacher training program who don't drink either and who I might feel safe being around. I made some weekend plans with the only couple people I really feel comfortable around and other than that I'm spending my weekend sober and meditating. I'm going to talk to my yoga teacher today about the program and fill out an application too. I'm feeling much more hopeful. Thanks for hearing me out everyone!

[unaluna]

I'm glad to hear you're sounding hopeful. My story was kind of weird I know - it's like, my friend and I had a pretty dysfunctional relationship but it was also fun. So things don't have to be perfect.

[avlady]

I understand your story, but i hope you can really get connected with your t and doc. My husband carries a knife because he needs it for his job, he's a shoemaker and he needs them for his work. He also works from home making wallets and fixing zippers and purses. I was leary at first when he showed it to me but he didn't pose threat towards me or anyone else. Even so, i was afraid, because it could be used as a weapon, if someone else got a hold of it. he has all kinds of sewing machines in a workshop in the back of the house, i worry about the paint thinner and chemicals also. In fact his boss just built a building for my husband next to the store itself so he will be able to work there. About being with crowds, it is sometimes hard like you said, to pass up alcholol when it is practically shoved down your throat from peer pressure, so i can see why you wouldn't want to go out unless if it was somewhere where people don't drink. Exercising sounds great, clubs, and other outlets could help if you take it slowly. The headache excuse sounds great, and it would work too, i've used it several times myself.

[Charlie0498]

Even though you have the injuries, go talk to the master at the dojo. I take TKD & last year I injured my ankle. I worked with the master& we worked out a plan that still allowed me to go to class. I was not able to work on the kicks but I was able to work on forms.
Do you feel you should have some kind of in-patient therapy? You have dealt with a lot in your life!

[Bodiesneverfound]

Originally Posted by Charlie0498

Even though you have the injuries, go talk to the master at the dojo. I take TKD & last year I injured my ankle. I worked with the master& we worked out a plan that still allowed me to go to class. I was not able to work on the kicks but I was able to work on forms.
Do you feel you should have some kind of in-patient therapy? You have dealt with a lot in your life!

I actually did some physical therapy on my own for a few weeks and I continued to go to my dojo throughout. They were very accommodating to my physical needs. My injuries are healed now thankfully and for the first time in weeks I've been able to do my regular workouts. My body feels deliciously sore and my mind much more clear. I am also doing a yoga teacher training program that is free if we agree to not drink and eat vegan so I'm doing that right now. I don't intend to give up drinking forever but it's not a smart idea at the current moment.

As far as inpatient therapy goes I thought it would be a good idea and I voluntarily admitted myself to a clinic a couple years ago. While I know some clinics are wonderful some are absolute hell and once you're admitted even if you are voluntary they won't let you out until the doctors give you approval. I was not informed of this when I signed myself in. I thought I could leave any time.

At the clinic I went to I was malnourished (I have Celiac's disease and cannot eat gluten and they would not cook me gluten free food nor would they let relatives bring me outside food, I lost weight there and was constantly dizzy and hungry), I was given the wrong medications (I was already on medications that worked for me but they would not give them to me) and they gave them to me at the wrong times of day.

The worst thing that happened though was when one of the other patients sexually assaulted me. I immediately notified the staff and asked to leave as I was voluntary. They informed me I could not leave but they would file a report. One of the other patients was a witness to the assault but she lied and said he didn't do anything so they locked me back in the room with him for the next few days and I was assaulted again. I pitched a fit on purpose so I would wind up in solitary just so I wouldn't be hurt sexually again. I then just put on a happy face and lied my way out of there.

If I had had the money at the time I could have easily sued for malpractice on a number of levels and I feel very strongly about involuntary inpatient programs. Basically I think they are evil and a huge violation of individual rights. While I know some could be helpful if something bad happens in there and I'm under lock and key and can't get out it's too late. I'll never take that chance again. I'd rather die than go to an inpatient facility.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant but it was a rather traumatic experience and when I went in I was expecting a safe zone. I never got to meet with my therapists individually for more than 20 mins a day, the group sessions were not helpful in the slightest, nor was I allowed to exercise or shower regularly. I spent those five days crying on the phone to my boyfriend who tried his best to get me out and failed and trying to get away from the guy who kept assaulting me.

I'm in individual therapy and I see my therapist once every week. I'm not opposed to group therapy either so long as I get along with the group and can fit it in my schedule. I'd also like to add that it's been a while and I've stablized quite a bit. I'm in an open polyamorous relationship and my girlfriend and boyfriend understand my issues and have been an enormous help to me.