What happened to my sister?

I´m not sure if, in my confusion and forgetfulness, I already posted a thread about my sister on this forum a couple of months ago. If I did, I´m sorry.

My sister and I used to be very very close. Then our father died. We were still pretty close then I think, she was still "normal" at first.

She talked in her "normal" voice and I still had a feeling of "honesty" when I talked to her and "reality".

A couple of months after our father´s death she started therapy for depression because she said even though she didn´t feel very bad, she felt "nothing" or like she didn´t "know" how she felt.

During the first months of her therapy she talked to me a lot about our mother, who is an alcoholic and she "complained" a lot and I listened and agreed.

Then, slowly, I felt that she was changing. She didn´t really "talk" to me anymore. Not about anything real. She started talking in this high voice, that didn´t seem like hers, sort of like a sing-sung voice and she kept insisting about little things, how "HAPPY" those made her.
I felt more and more disconnected towards her. I was having trouble myself back then, I felt very bad, but she wouldn´t "let" me have those feelings.
When I felt like crying, she smiled at me in this weird unfitting way, like "o how great everything is".... I couldn´t talk to her anymore.
If I wanted to talk about serious things, she would change the subject to what was on TV or something like that. I think she "refused" to ever put on a frown, even if it was just like empathetic. I couldn´t imagine her being in a "bad mood" anymore. When I asked her about important things in her own life, like finances or her studies she would reply "O, i don´t know about that"... like in a way like she cared a little too less to be real...

When she called for my birthday that year, she sounded like a secretary leaving a cheerful message to a client or something. There was nothing "personal" anymore between us. She would refuse it, I felt.

After some time she even started to ask to see our mother and she pretends like they have a normal relationship and like nothing is wrong.
When she leaves messages for my mother on the phone, she still sounds like that secretary.

I´m sorry to say I HATE that fakeness in her behaviour and I don´t understand what happened. I felt for a long time that I wanted our old relationship back, but she wouldn´t let me, she was "somewhere up in the clouds" where I couldn´t reach her.

Now, she is having a baby, without really having the financial possibility and
without having finished her studies. Im not saying that people shouldn´t ever do that. It just doesn´t "fit" to her. Before, I don´t think she´d have done such a thing. Can´t help but feeling that she´s having the baby for the wrong reasons, which are to fill an emptiness or keep herself busy, give herself something to "do" (and my T agrees)

She is very weird and very much changed. I think I have accepted that change for the most, even though it still makes me sad sometimes.

I think it´d make it a lot easier for me to "accept" if I could UNDERSTAND it.

Any ideas what happened to her, here, possibly?

Thank you

Is she on some kind of medication? sometimes those can cause changes of behavior and the person doesn't even realize its happening I mean that just seems like a pretty major change which is why I ask...the way you describe it does make it sound fake....I doubt she is really 'happy'. Or maybe its some sort of psychological problem just doesn't sound like shes all that stable but is acting like she is. I really don't know what to do though aside from try to have a serious discussion with her about it...but that could also go terribly so I don't know.

How long has she been that way? Not sure quite why you posted it here...perhaps you are thinking she might be traumatized by the death of your father. SO what I would say about that is sometimes its not uncommon for people with PTSD to try and ignore it and suppress it to try to just move on, I've tried that though I don't think I went to an extreme of acting really happy all the time just better than i felt around people...so it could be something like that but I am certianly in no position to diagnose let alone do so over the interenet.

Hellion, thank you for your answer!

Hm, I don´t know if she´s under medication but I really doubt it, since she officially "finished" therapy or "graduated" therapy (where I live you can only do therapy for 2 years, payed by insurance, then you´ll have to wait a few years before you can start new therapy), she didn´t just "quit" the therapy, which makes everything very strange, also concerning this therapist she had..

Well,she´s been like this since about one year into her therapy I´d say, so for
3 years I´d say.

I´ve tried to talk to her about it in writing, as I thought that way we both could be more honest, I knew I could be.

I tried for a long time, I spent a long time explaining and asking writing her e-mails, but it didn´t make a difference. According to her everything is "the same" and she´s feeling good.

Yes, well, on posting it here on the PTSD forum, it could be that she´s also traumatized by it, but I don´t know.
I don´t think she has PTSD as this is so extremely anxiety related and I don´t think she´s very much anxious.

I´m here for myself for PTSD, I´m sorry if it´s not fitting well, I just know that people here tend to be very open and supportive and give good advice, more than on the other forums, in my experience

Sometimes we are just at different places in our healing processes.

I come from a home where alcoholism played a major factor in the violence and abuse inflicted upon the children.

I do not have any contact with any of my siblings as it would be a set back to my healing and recovery process. Both parents are now deceased. I had no contact with them either and they passed away before we could reconnect.

Sometimes we just have to let it all go and trust that somewhere down life's road everyone will reach a healthy point in their life process.

I just want all of us to be able to get as healthy and whole as we possibly can whether we're able to ever have a relationship again or not.

I wish the best for you too as you struggle through this painful process.

I think your sister has decided to remember her past differently, which is why she is acting as if nothing is wrong with your mother. A lot of children of alcoholics will do this to deal with the underlying pain of the truth. My father turned me into a paranoid, he acted as if there was a big secret in the house and demonized the police, he would react very angry if we had to call the police. That is the truth, but very seldom do I try to remember the past like that. I am sure your sister knows she knows the truth but whenever it try's to pop in she probably pushes it out of her mind. She could be trying to find herself as well, having identified with a parent who is no longer around, a person can get very lost, I know this as I lost my mother in 2011, It is a very confusing place to be and we all react in our own way.

Hope that helps!

I don't know your sister but maybe therapy worked for her. Maybe her therapist helped her find happiness in those "little things" that seem to bother you.

You admitted your mother was an alcoholic and perhaps she is no longer playing "lets pretend mom's the best."

I'm not trying to be rude but maybe your sister is trying to grow up. Maybe she did and has changed her mind on her studies. If not~ I wish her the best.

Hoorah for your Therapist agreeing with you!

I do know that if my sisters couldn't accept me for who I am ~ I'd leave respectable messages as well.

Parley, I don´t know if you can identify with my sister or something and makes you feel like you have defend her.
Your response makes angry, if I´m being honest.

I don´t have anything against finding happiness in little things, I have something against in the way this happiness is portrayed to me, as it doesn´t seem quite genuine.

I agree that she is "trying" to be very grown up and doing all the right things "grown ups" do..

"Hoorah for your Therapist agreeing with you! " Are you trying to make fun of me here?

Please lets stick to being respectful on this forum, okay?

"I do know that if my sisters couldn't accept me for who I am ~ I'd leave respectable messages as well."

Are you saying that I´m not accepting her for "who she is"?

I´m telling you, that she has changed intensely, and that it doesn´t seem healthy to me. I am concerned and sad that we can´t have a connection anymore because she´s not willing to be "personal" with me anymore.

It has nothing to do with accepting who she is at the core....

Please, if you´re going to be rude, don´t reply to my threads.

If you have a different point of view than me of the situation that´s okay.
But it can be brought upon in respectful manner.

No~ I was not trying to make fun of you by saying hoorah for their therapist. I said it because your therapist agreeing with you doesn't make it correct. and I think its rude for therapist to take sides when they don't know the full story. Supporting someone doesn't mean agreeing.

I am so sorry I hurt your feelings and you felt I was being disrespectful to you because I was not. I will try to pacify your insecurities if I feel the need to post in your threads again.

Best of luck with your sister.

I'm sorry you feel so disconnected from your sister - and I don't mean that in a "you're the one with the problem" kind of way.

I have no experience with what I'm about to suggest, but is there any chance she is bipolar and is now in a manic/hypomanic episode? I suggest this because you're talking about a total one-eighty. I think

Can you take to her GP or take her to the GP to talk about this, perhaps? He might have some ideas.

Also often insurances have a clause that makes an exception either for serious cases, chronic cases, or different problems. For example you might only be able to be in therapy for two years if you're depressed, but you can do two years for PTSD after that. Or you can do more than two years if you're both depressed and traumatized.

Okay, but obviously you weren´t "serious" with that remark, given the explanation for saying it, you give afterwards. So you were being ironic or sarcastic which can come across as unfriendly, just saying

If you had wanted to be polite, you could simply have said: "just because your therapist agrees, it doesn´t necessarily mean it is correct"

And I agree, it doesn´t necessarily mean that it is correct. Neither I nor my therapist can know with 100 percent what the real reason is for having that baby.

I don´t think it´s "rude" to have an opinion at all and I don´t think she´s taking "sides" on this matter. It´s not a matter of personal conflict.

You don´t know how much of the story she knows and I told her.
But she can say, what the situation sounds like to her, certainly.

She´s not just therapist for adults but she´s a childtherapist too and she told me that a lot of babies get born, unfortunately, like this: with a job/task before they´re even really on this world, which is to make mommy happy/keep her busy/give her a "sense" to live. She knows because a lot of children end up her patients. A lot of those moms lack something that is "just for them" in life, some don´t know what to do with their lives, so they have children instead.

I agree, supporting does not mean agreeing. And she doesn´t agree with me on all matters. But this is talk therapy and she is entitled to a "professional" and a "personal" opinion.

"I will try to pacify your insecurities if I feel the need to post in your threads again. " ..... sarcastic again? seriously......

And we all have insecurities, not just people struggling with PTSD.

You don´t need to "pacify my insecurities" just post in a respectful and polite manner and leave sarcasm out of it. thank you

Hi Alisha,

A couple of things crossed my mind. Your sister could have been put on Effexor which can lead to a dramatic change in personality in some people. Or, it could be that her therapist might have encouraged her to "fake it until you make it" and to not allow herself to bath in sad/serious thoughts. Another thing that crossed my mind is the pregnancy could be what is changing her mood, with the vitamins and hormonal changes that take place when a woman is pregnant, some women feel great when they are pregnant.

The way you are describing her distancing, it also could be that she is experimenting with boundary setting because children of alcoholics tend to struggle with boundaries because of how the parent may have invaded their boundaries emotionally.

You have tried to talk to her and she is resisting that, so while this is hard perhaps you should just do your best to give her some space and see what happens. I know that is going to be hard on you, but it sounds like she is not going to listen to you. Who knows what her therapist worked on with her that has led to this behavior pattern. I am sorry it has been such a challenge for you and I understand your concern.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[QUOTE=Alishia88;3746889]I´m telling you, that she has changed intensely, and that it doesn´t seem healthy to me. I am concerned and sad that we can´t have a connection anymore because she´s not willing to be "personal" with me anymore.[QUOTE]

I understand what you're going through.

A very similar thing happened to me with my younger brother a few years back. After doing a bit of therapy, he painted such a rosy picture of my parents and our childhood, it was startling. I also understand the goofy "I'm all better" grin. Our home life was full of emotional and physical abuse and neglect not only from our parents, but our older sibs as well. When I first witnessed this behavior, my first thought was denial, denial, denial. (Nobody heals that fast from such a short stint of therapy.) The same thought is ringing in my head about your sister. It is also very unfortunate she is now bringing a child into the world with this unfinished emotional business.

Listen to your instincts. If it doesn't feel right it probably isn't. All that you can do is accept where your sister is at. This is what I did with my brother. We still talk, but not about our family issues.

An old saying I like goes like this: Healthy people are in therapy. Sick people are in denial.

Another thing that could be happening too Alisha is that your sister has finally found a person who is really "listening" to her. While you may do that yourself to a degree, you are still a member of the family "dysfunction" and you will see things from your own perspective. So while you care, what your sister needs even more is someone who is exclusively listening to her talk about her entire family, including you and what it means to "her" alone.

If a therapist is really good, not only do they listen but they are also outside the picture looking in and focusing on the patient's needs in their dysfunctional or challenging scenario. A family member can't really do that because they are too "in the picture" and as I mentioned, may tend to emphasis what they see from their standpoint and position in the family. I have this challenge with my older sister and believe me, she doesn't really see "me" at all, but she demands she does and can be extremely condescending about it (that is just me, not implying you are like her in any way).

If a therapist is good, they help a patient be able to step back from the picture and see what it all means to "them" in a more "empowering way", and that happens because someone is exclusively listening to them and validating them the way "they" need it. It is often "for the first time" helping that patient to be free of the bonds that often keep them captive in a family dysfunction.

So, part of what you are seeing IMO could be your sister feeling in more control and having permission to handle her family in her "own way". I understand you find it upsetting and worrisome, however, try to be patient and not expect your sister to go back to whatever role she did play in the dysfunction. It isn't about "your needs" right now, it is about "her" needs and quite honestly, that is how we learn how to heal and grow because we need to learn "how" to give ourselves permission to take care of our own needs because in a dysfunctional family where the parents are not nurturing that is not allowing that to happen, but instead insists on sending out messages that represent to their child that they can't have their needs met and they begin to slowly believe it until they struggle psychologically with their sense of self worth and ability to be their own person.

The problem with dysfunctional families is that what begins to happen is the family members learn to push the right buttons to keep the dysfunction going, and if you can find those buttons and resist, it is the beginning of learning how to get out and be free of the dysfunction. And if this is what a family member is trying to "learn" and "practice" on to heal, yes, it could seem very strange and "out of character" to other family members, including "you".

That is what cognitive and behavioral therapies are meant for to help someone really learn what the dysfunctional buttons are and how to slowly learn "not" to respond to them.

Often the root of complex PTSD is from living in some kind of dysfunction
and having the wrong buttons pushed that constantly send the wrong messages which causes emotional challenges. A lot of visual and emotional flashbacks are expressing moments when the person was in duress where they didn't know how to react or defend themselves in some way.

OE

Thanks, OpenEyes.

Yeah, the fake it until you make it sounds about right to me.

However, I think it´s a strange way of dealing with depression after you have lost someone.

And it´s the opposite of what I have learned with my treatment with anorexia,
in which my main focus and main thing that I learned and found important was that it was "OKAY" to feel bad sometimes and it was "OKAY" to be sad
and that it was okay to cry and that all those feelings need to be expressed and talked about, because that´s really what people with eating disorders do, they
try to make the bad feelings go away by suppressing them by focusing on dieting etc.
I needed to be myself and when I felt very bad, I didn´t need her to shake me and demand that I put on a smile and don´t "let myself hang down",when I fake smiled, it only made me feel WORSE.

I still believe, that the way out of depression is not to overlook all the trouble and sad feelings you have, but to express your grief, so at some point you can move on, because you´re really ready, everything is processed and you have really found peace with it. Not because you´re telling yourself: must think positive thoughts.

Well, the pregnancy is only recently a topic, but the change happened before that, so that can´t be it.

Yes, I´m thinking the same thing, that she was experimenting with boundary setting and that´s a good thing, setting healthy boundaries.

However, I´m not our mother. We had a good relationship. Yet, she didn´t want to see me anymore, even though she never admitted it. And it really hurt, naturally. I was always the one asking if she wanted to meet up, and often she didn´t "have time". The worst part really was, that a LOT of times, we had plans to meet up (which wasn´t often anyway) she´d cancel in the last minute for dumb reasons. Sometimes she´d just send me a text message 5 minutes after we were supposed to meet with not very good excuses...
I was in a very bad, weak place then myself, so naturally this made me feel not very good.

I´m all for healthy boundaries, but I think this kind of behavior is taking it too far and is kind of stepping on MY boundaries.

Yes, you need to take care of your needs, but you cannot do that my stepping on the ones of others, in my opinion.

Looking back, I feel that this could be some sort of power thing.
I heard that´s also a reason why people can be late all the time.
Maybe she felt like she needed to take her power back and I was very weak and vulnerable at that time and she knew I wouldn´t call on her for a behavior like that.

"You have tried to talk to her and she is resisting that, so while this is hard perhaps you should just do your best to give her some space and see what happens."

Well, yes, it´s what I did eventually. We´re talking about something that was a while ago now.

At some point I was sick of always being the one asking her to meet up, and her either saying no, being late or canceling all the time, and when we did meet up her saying something like "ok, well, i´m home then anyway, so you can come over".

So I said, let´s just write to eachother for some time. We did that a few months.
I haven´t seen or written to her in over a year now.

I never regretted this, I made a lot of progress for myself when I decided this.

I feel that I still haven´t made total peace with it though, with the loss of her and that I need to, to really focus on my own life now, so it´s why I decided to ask for people´s opinions here.

[quote=SkyWhite;3748171][quote=Alishia88;3746889]I´m telling you, that she has changed intensely, and that it doesn´t seem healthy to me. I am concerned and sad that we can´t have a connection anymore because she´s not willing to be "personal" with me anymore.thanks for this Skywhite. Glad that you can relate.

Yes, but isn´t that weird, that they DID have therapy? Isn´t therapy there to "end" denial and help people express their true feelings?

"Listen to your instincts. If it doesn't feel right it probably isn't. All that you can do is accept where your sister is at. This is what I did with my brother. We still talk, but not about our family issues. "

That´s what therapists have told me, too. I know, it´s just hard having known my sister so differently, and having had such a close relationship and seeing her so changed, really like a totally different person...

"I understand you find it upsetting and worrisome, however, try to be patient and not expect your sister to go back to whatever role she did play in the dysfunction. It isn't about "your needs" right now, it is about "her" needs and quite honestly, that is how we learn how to heal and grow"

Yes, well, I wouldn´t expect her to go back to play a dysfunctional role...
I wanted her to be honest, authentic and real so we could still have an open relationship, so we could still be able to talk to each other. I say "wanted" because after all that time, I don´t think I want this anymore or that it is even possible. Now, I just want to understand "why" so i can make my peace with it.

Well, I certainly think it IS about my needs, for "me"... Not to her, but to me. And so I need to do what I can to take care of mine. I also think though, that for people to be in a relationship, there´s always going to be a sort of compromise, some sort of meeting in the middle, otherwise relationships wouldn´t be possible.

For example. Let´s say I made plans with my friend to see a movie on Saturday night. Then I had a busy day on Saturday, and in the evening, I just don´t feel like going out again, but my friend has already bought the tickets.

I could say, well my needs are to lay down now, so I´ll just call my friend at last minute and tell I won´t come.

Now I wouldn´t do that, because I made a commitment to my friend. My need may be to put up my feet, but sometimes we DO have to consider other people too.

What I´m trying to say is: yes, we need to take care of our needs being met, but if we do it without regard for other people´s feelings/plans whatsoever, it´s just not possible to have relationships. It´s always about give and take.

Alisha, I am just speculating "what could be" going on with your sister. I am just thinking that if she has had therapy, she may have had a chance to grieve with a therapist and allow her emotions to finally come out. It's hard to know for sure without knowing the person and their history, especially their history from their POV.

When I think of my relationship with my sister? I often just distance and
because of the PTSD I don't really make plans if I can help it because I
don't really know how I will be feeling, but that is just me and I had to
distance because I was struggling so much. When you said "like a secretary", I did that too because at times I had to communicate and I did it that way to try to communicate, but to do so in a way that would not invite my sister in to her way of treating me that triggered me. Now that is just me and how I managed trying to gain the space I needed to heal. I know that when I am struggling and I talk to my sister and get weepy, the conversations just goes right down hill and she starts to say all the things that trigger me and make me even worse. A lot of my sister's messages to me are about telling me to try to not "feel" and "I should not be struggling or that she doesn't have time to listen to my challenges because she is just so busy with her own". Yet, when she struggles and I take time out to validate her and tell her that she is being strong and doing her best etc, she will keep that conversation going with no time limit.

I have some painful "blocks" when it comes to my sister, but if she was
posting here she would insist she was caring and trying to help me. My sister doesn't see "her" shortcomings and how condescending she can be.
But this is not just MPOV, her own daughter is challenged this way with her too and has distanced and often uses that "secretarial response" to her too.

Now, when you talk about relationships and "meeting half way", yes, that
is how a working relationship should be. However, when I try to do that with my sister, unfortunately I open a door for her to pull me right back
into a place I just can't go now, it's not healthy for me to go. And that is
what her own daughter realizes about her too. That can be a challenge
with a family that has dysfunction going on, family members can be trying to heal or even get help and then try to connect with family in healthier
ways, but they tend to find themselves slipping into and unhealthy role
again and have to distance again.

Where there is some kind of family dysfunction, its really complex to each
family member to really function in healthier ways. There are "years" of
these different members settling into their own "unhealthy" roles and that
becomes deeply engrained in the subconscious mind. It's like a motor in a car that isn't running right and breaks down, one can try to fix that engine but if there is a faulty part left in place, all that happens is the engine is still stressed and may just not run right even with all the other new parts put in place. Well the same is true if the engine is not all that good and
one piece of it is "fixed/repaired" and then put back into the engine, that one piece is fine, but won't last because of how the rest of the engine isn't right.

So, when I said that if my older sister was posting here, she would say things about "me" from her POV that is not the "truth" about the dysfunction and her part in it either. My sister really doesn't "see" her role in the dysfunction, to her it is everyone else and she has to keep trying to fix it somehow and make it all better. What she doesn't realize is that she was often "too controlling and condescending to others and it tended to make things worse instead of better". She will not see it that way, she will insist that she was the glue that held it all together and that she is just worn out now. She doesn't realize that everyone sees her as bossy and controlling either, EVERYONE sees her that way and we all pretty much stay back while she does her "in control of everything mode".

Now, for example, my sister "insists" on the holidays always being at her home, and she does that with everyone, even her mother in law. My sister is actually very gifted and she really can create a Martha Stewart perfect holiday presentation, however, she is gets so involved in that perfection that she just doesn't let anyone help her or pitch in, her entire body language is "no, I don't want your help I need to do it all and you will just be in my way", and she actually says it like that too. The problem with her doing that is she actually "hurts" people and they begin to feel unworthy and they just "give in", which then means to her that she "has to have that control over everything now". I tried to do things at my home many times until no matter what I realized she would have all kinds of reasons why "she" had to do it that I just gave up and let her have her way, everyone did that. But I remember at one holiday where everyone was sitting at her table and she made fun of me, joking about my not cooking and doing holiday gatherings, and I just joked and laughed with everyone there watching, but inside I WAS VERY HURT.

What my sister doesn't see is that she became the director of the show and put others into their character roles and she always set the stage. Well, people get to a point where they get tired of being put in the part that "she" puts them in, yet they have all been trained to play that role and give in so much that as time passed "her control" became expected but at the same time "unpleasant" too on some levels, even for her.

Well, I just could not "play that game", when I broke and developed PTSD
it got so going to that "holiday stage" was not something I could manage
AT ALL. When I broke and developed PTSD, she got mad because I fell out of the role she needed me to be in, and it was that way for everyone
around me. And I got really bad because of that too. With therapy however, I slowly learned to give myself permission to "distance" and yes, I did have that secretary like way of distancing as you are describing. But I was not "happy go lucky", I was struggling to much to be that way, but that is just me, and the PTSD was really bad, too bad to act gleeful.

Well, didn't mean to get all about me, but I was trying to show you my own family and relationship with my sister so you might be able to relate
and think about your relationship with your sister differently and maybe see "why" she has been "pulling back from you". It could be that she just
is not capable of meeting you half way, and it could be that way for a long time too. I used to have a much closer relationship with my sister, but I also learned to give "her" the control too and do that half way that "she" needed, but it was not really working out all that well for me, and that became very obvious when I broke and she failed to really "see" me the way I really needed her to.

Well, something to ponder.

OE

Yes, I understand, nobody can know for sure what´s going on.

Anyway, I´m just saying that the change happened "during" her therapy, and that it didn´t feel like completely "authentic".

I think it´s weird to going from one mood into another so quickly... I don´t know how to explain it... more had a feeling of sitting with your head in the clouds to me... but yea... maybe I need to talk it through with my therapist some more

I see what you mean about the "authentic" part. But I have been in that place myself, and I could not be the "authentic" my sister needed from me either. I could not be "authentic" at all because I was struggling too much and doing my best to distance while I worked on myself in therapy. What my sister considered "authentic" for me was not any place I could go Alisha, because it only pulled me into dysfunctional thinking and
role playing that just was not good for me. My sister only knows me from her POV, and that really is not "me" at all it's just how I tried to be the "me" she needed me to be when it came to me being in "her" world. I don't want her to tell me what to do or what I do that is wrong or to direct me "her way" anymore. I need to distance and see things for "myself" for a change.

That is why many people finally break all ties to their families because they realize that they just need to develop their "own" life and identity
and not fall into the identity they had in the family dysfunction. It depends on the family and how challenged a person is. I had to distance
because of how my parents are older and struggling and my sister went into high gear in her controlling mode. It has been very hard for me because I don't agree with her bossiness with my parents and I know it
tires my mother out and she even cries after my sister leaves.

I just got to manage it so I got to have my parents to myself on mother's day for the first time ever actually. It was very hard on me because of how my sister just "had to" call and give me instructions like I was a babysitter. My parents going out with me and being away from Martha
Stewart, was extremely refreshing for both of them, they actually got to relax, be themselves and not feel rushed or controlled. It was as though
we all got to "break out of jail" for a change and it was nice, but also sad too.

OE

OE, I`m sorry that you had so much trouble and grief with your sister in your past and to some extent, still.

But I don´t think yours and your sister´s relationship, and the relationship I used to have with my sister are really comparable.

All those years, as children and growing up we were very very close, we loved each other very much. As children we played together, even though she´s older than me and growing up we talked and had a lot of fun together, we had a good connection. It was "us against our parents".

Which, you know, is kind of why it made me so sad to see her pull away, and not be emotional with me.

I just remember her as this very warm-hearted, loving and caring person and then she changed .... When I hugged her then, I felt how "stiff" it actually felt..

"I don't want her to tell me what to do or what I do that is wrong or to direct me "her way" anymore. I need to distance and see things for "myself" for a change."

I can relate to this very much too, OE. She too, started to act as if she knew everything, and knew better than I what I wanted and what I should do or not do. And it was very good for me to distance myself from it and find out what "I" really wanted.
I can tell you how good it felt, when I talked to a councelor and when she asked me what felt like was really important to me and I said dance,
and she smiled at me and did NOT make me feel like that was "wrong" to feel that it was important to me. I felt really accepted for who I was and what I loved.

"That is why many people finally break all ties to their families because they realize that they just need to develop their "own" life and identity
and not fall into the identity they had in the family dysfunction."

I can relate to this too, and in a way I think it´s what I´ve already done and what was very good for me. Just when I look back at old pictures from my sister and me, I get sad and wonder: What happened? We used to be so close.

I can understand why she´d need to distance from my mother, no questions asked. I know why it was good for me to distance from her, so that I could really concentrate on what "I" wanted to do and loved, and not feel like that is "wrong" an I "shouldn´t" do that or that it isn´t "me".

But I certainly never told her what to do or how to act.... I was always the little sister, it was more the other way around.

Yes, the situation with your sister seems very strange to me...

Was she always so controlling or just when your parents got older?

I don´t know how weak or sick your parents are that they cannot stand up against their daughter? Or has it always been this way?

I know that a lot of parents, especially fathers, can be very controlling towards their children, even in old age. I´ve never heard of it the other way around.

They shouldn´t let themselves be rushed or controlled. Do they live in a retirement home? I know the nurses there can treat the elder people like little children too and can be quite controlling, so the old people actually start "acting" like children again because they feel like it.

"They shouldn´t let themselves be rushed or controlled. Do they live in a retirement home? I know the nurses there can treat the elder people like little children too and can be quite controlling, so the old people actually start "acting" like children again because they feel like it." quote Alisha

Yes, this is how my sister treats my parents and they "especially my mother" begin to act more and more like children. My father resisted my sister a lot, but she would not relent and he slowly caved more and more. My parents are 89 and 90 so with her in control more and more, put together with their age increasing at the same time, it got harder for them to stand their ground with my sister.

Ok, you and I are the "younger" sister and I had been close to my sister too for a long time. But my sister "was older and had that seniority over me", I was too young to really see that the way I see it now.

Yes, your older sister is going to see it all differently than you, it could be that while you felt it was her and you against your mother, it was probably more her against your mother and stepping into the more mothering role for you. Her healing is going to be different from yours because she is distancing from that role she played for so long and in that distancing, she is not going to be close to you in that kind of mothering way either. Her going stiff when you hug her, doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it is probably a trigger of how she ended up being put into the mothering role, possible for both you "and" your mother at times.

I understand how confused you are with this right now too. I have to be honest, I really struggle when it comes to my older sister. It isn't that I don't love her, we were close and also talked about the dysfunction in my parents. My sister was in a different position in all that psychologically and she got more controlling and I had to break away from that. Your sister may have taken a different path psychologically that may not be as severe as my sister. It could be that your sister gets triggered now when you want her to be close and engage again. But that is coming from her own stresses that you didn't really see.

Unfortunately, when a parent is an alcoholic or isn't performing the "parent role" in healthy ways, the children end up being put into roles to make up for that and often at some point that role just gets too hard for them and they can really begin to struggle psychologically in some way where they begin to really need help.

You have talked about how you had to try to control your emotions all the time and how that ended up with you turning on yourself and developing some unhealthy ways to gain a sense of control somehow. Well, you finally got so you needed help and had to distance yourself from the dysfunction to finally have a chance "with a T" to be allowed to let all the pent up emotion out. Typically when someone begins therapy, this is a very hard process because they are often afraid to open up and express their emotions for fear their therapist will judge them or be angry with them about these emotions. I think that is so sad and unfortunately a lot of people are challenged that way, too many people.

I have had a hard time myself because when I did "try" to reach out, even when I was really bad, I was treated like I had no right, that it was wrong for me to be struggling so much. If I showed you my records of when I went to that psych ward, you would be able to see how I expressed all the red flags and the psychiatrist felt I didn't have that right and misdiagnosed me. Even the first outpatient psychologist did the same thing to me WOW, I look back and see my records and I can't believe how unfair that was to me.

My therapist has told me several times now that it is not unusual "unfortunately" for a trauma patient to be misdiagnosed and it has been a problem in different treatment facilities, and with different psychologists misdiagnosing. The two most misdiagnosed disorders given are Bipolar and Narcissistic personality disorder instead of Post Traumatic Stress. He told me that because a trauma patient is often defensive and trying to find a sense of control and can be resistant to medications or anything they feel is intrusive can seem self absorbed and angry, a psychiatrist/psychologist can mistaken these behavior patterns as narcissistic personality disorder, instead of recognizing them as the symptoms/behavior patterns of a patient in trauma/crisis. He told me how an effort is being made to try to train these professionals better so they don't end up misdiagnosing and making that patient worse. People do not understand "trauma and PTSD" and they often respond to it in all the wrong ways only aggravating the PTSD even more. Often the patient is made to feel they are "wrong" in being so upset and emotional, WOW, it's so sad and because I have experienced that first hand, I feel so bad for others that experience that same kind of reaction from people around them.

Oh well, didn't mean to stray into that, but my point is that while I know you feel lost and confused with your sister's behaviors right now, try to be patient. I know that can be hard, I think your sister is just "in her own way" trying to break away from her entire role she fit into with your family, and even you. But please don't think that means that she doesn't love you still, she has to work through all that herself and I hope she is still getting help with that, because it really does take time.

OE

Also, I understand your concern about her being pregnant now too. It's almost like a rebound when a person gets involved in a different relationship to fill a void when they should really be exploring that void more before they choose to move forward with anything else that is a big commitment.

Unfortunately our brains often do push for embracing the one thing we should step back from and instead work through in healthier ways. Well, you can't really stop her, unfortunately, and hopefully her therapist will help her see all this or be there when she recognizes the commitment she is getting into and keep working with her on her healing.

I understand how you feel about it, but as I said, your sister is going to have to work this all out, she is not going to listen to reason, she will just tune it out. I have been through this with my daughter, so I know how
hard it is.

OE

Maybe it is because of something she feels is unhealthy in your relationship and she is claiming her distance while she figures things out. Or maybe she needs a break from the family while she grows into being her own person.

We will never know, because she isn't here to explain her point of view.

It's a hard situation when a family member changes, I feel for you.

Yes, I agree OE. Unfortunately she´s not in therapy anymore and I think she feels that she is "healed" or at least she wants to be very badly...

You´re right, really nothing I can do about it. I`m trying to accept that ..

Thanks doglover, yes in a way I guess I can accept her distancing.
However, that doesn´t mean that it´s less hurtfull

Also, what i also talked about with my therapist, was that it would have been a lot less painfull if she could have just been honest about it
and have told me that she was doing it and why. I think that would have been easier to accept.