[Open Eyes]

I figured I would start my own thread, don't know if I will have the energy to talk about it all.

Well, I just posted in Mowtowns thread and it made me realize something I had not thought about this way before.

I said:
What I find interesting is how you were treated verses how I was treated (in his psych ward stay). I broke and needed to slow down and take a break, yet was told that I could not do that in many ways. That reflects on my childhood where I had some big challenges, my family had issues too, had to look good to the public, and though I struggled I had to keep finding a way to keep going then too.

He discribed his treatment as "you need to stop working and change your life", which triggered him, understandably. I was treated the opposite way where
I was pushed to keep going as though I was only "acting and not really struggling".

Yet, I presented totally exhausted emotionally and physically, and asking for rest and grief counseling. Yet, I was not allowed to really rest and by my records I was not believed either as I was misdiagnosed.

Anyway, I got to thinking and in so many situations had I been a man, I would have been taken more seriously and treated differently. I even noticed this when I told my therapist that my husband broke down too, he went to bed and would not work or pay the bills for over a month, I didnt get to do that, and I paid our bills with money I had gotten from the sale of a horse, which should have gone to paying on the dept my neighbors dog created instead.

My therapist sat up and really paid attention when I told him that, and gee
IT REALLY MUST HAVE BEEN SERIOUS.

When I had my appendix rupture leaking toxins into my body cavity, I got very ill and had solid pain instead of the pain only on one side symptom.
I thought I must have had the flu, but each day I got worse and weaker until
it was so bad I could not move and was really weak, I felt like my body was dieing, it was very different. I told my husband to call an ambulance, that something was very wrong, at least he believed me and did that. When the emt came up stairs they moved me off the bed onto a board and the pain was so bad I moaned, and the EMT yelled at me to "shut up" and I was just moaning as I was in enormous pain. He told me to shut up a few times.

Do you think he would have done that if I was a man?

My spleen was injured during a colonscopy and I was bleeding internally, but did not realize it until again I began to feel a lot of pain. I got very dizzy too and when I called the doctor's office that did the procedure I was told to go
to an emergency room. I was so dizzy and in pain that I didn't want to drive,
well, my husband didn't believe me, got mad but finally agreed to drive me.
When I got to the emergency room, I just managed to get to the door and my legs collapsed, I was so embarrassed and my husband stood over me yelling at me to "get the hell up and knock it off".

Do you think I would have been yelled at that way if I was a man?

I had a really bad day today IRL, and I don't have the energy to talk about it all tbh. But I will say that if I was a "man" I would not have been treated like I was today.

I have a lot of these situations I could list here too. And in every one of them I can see how it would have been so different "If I was a man".

[Teacake]

It is something to mourn. Dont expect a lot of validation. It just wont happen. But we know, some of us allow it into consciousness sometimes.

It is painful.

OE, please dont stare into this one. Remember Perseus and Medusa. Dont turn to stone.

[Teacake]

And of course white men dont get treated that way. Yes you were dismissed and mistreated because you are a woman.

I knew an Arab man who had a heart attack in cincinnati during the first gulf war. He went to hospital with signs of heart attack. He said he was having a heart attack. They put him on the psych unit.

Women get treated as enemy men.

They aren't aware of doing it.

[Teacake]

Maybe in groups we can talk about it. Maybe we have to.

[Parley]

I had a ladder slide out from under me once and busted my head on a few rocks. It was only about 5 feet but when the paramedics arrived, I'm sitting there with stain all over me and a ladder at my feet. He looked at my daughter and asked her if I had any mental disorders.

I do not believe that would have been asked if I was a man.

They looked at my head and didn't think I'd need stitches because it wasn't bleeding much but recommended I ride to the hospital because of my neck. I got 13 staples in my head but my neck was fine.

[JaneC]

I am sorry that you have had a bad day OE, and for all the other horrid things you have had to deal with. They were not fair and it is understandable that you are struggling. I do hope that you are dong some things to take care of yourself, and are talking regularly to your T. Kind to you.

I think resolving the gender gap (in many areas of life) may not happen in my life time, and many times it feels incredibly wrong to be treated as less than just for being a woman.

I try not to dwell on it.

[MotownJohnny]

My take on why they told me to abandon my life wasn't because I'm a man, but because they thought I was bipolar - which at the time and even now I think is extremely patronizing and insulting - to me, they were saying that a person with a mental illness might as well just hang it up, give into it, and abandon any hope of a "normal" life of career, home, family, etc., you know, because "those crazy people just can't cut it".

I still find that attitude insulting. You know, I think a lot of people who do have serious mental health issues are capable of far more achievement than they may have had because of the attitude going into it from others that "they can't".

Maybe I am wrong on this - maybe that was just me, my situation and the place I was in then.

What do you think the attitude of mental health professionals is - that people "can't" - or as OE seems to have encountered, the opposite, that people are treated as if they are "fakers" trying to game the system?

[Open Eyes]

I really did not think about all of these different challenges like this, not until I
was thinking about how yes, both I and Mowtown were IMHO treated wrong, but
in a lot of opposite ways. It is a stigma within a stigma and one is just as bad as the
other.

For myself, it was hard enough just being a female and being heard and validated, now
I am just a female with PTSD so therefore I am "just a crazy woman" over reacting
and "don't listen to her she is crazy". And over and over again I was genuinely struggling, the PTSD was unbelievably crippling and it was so bad I was in serious
condition and was "still" invalidated the same as when I was dying in my bed and was
yelled at for moaning.

I present to this psych ward and I was so bad and I said all the "red flags" and expressed
all the signs for Post Traumatic Stress, and apparently THAT WAS NOT "REAL".

I struggled so much with my ex Lawyer and he really was "failing" in EVERY WAY,
it got so I could not go and see him "alone" yet when I brought my husband in, it was
no better because then I had the two of them TALKING DOWN to me. I called so many different lawyers to GET HELP too. I did not find ONE lawyer that did not know my lawyer and "NO, IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN HIM, IT MUST BE ME". FIVE YEARS of this
until it got SO BAD IT WAS OBVIOUS. Then, with it being SO BAD, SO OBVIOUS, my husband finally realized I WAS RIGHT.

I really worked SO HARD to have my little farm and be a good mother and wife and
it was such a challenge because both my child and husband had disabilities. That spring
I thought that FINALLY all my patience and hard work was at a point where I could FINALLY just relax and maybe even focus on myself and finally make plans to do things
that "I" wanted but had to put aside because of their needs.

NEVER, in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would see EVERYTHING I worked so
GOD DAMN HARD FOR DESTROYED the way it was. And then when it just completely
broke me in a way I had no idea could happen, I WAS TREATED SO BADLY IN SO MANY WAYS and IT REALLY IS ALL IN WRITING TOO.

The attorney for the opposing side, the insurance attorney doesn't know anything about
horses and ponies. She was getting help with it from some people in the horse world.
When I went to my deposition she says over and over that she is not very knowledgeable about horses, and she is trying to question me as best as she can.
Meanwhile my ex attorney has a need to give two dissertations that takes my deposition
"OFF TOPIC". He gives a long dissertation about how he is a Jew and yet not a bad Jew
and that there "are" a lot of bad Jews that are lawyers. Then, he has to "again" give
a long dissertation about how he is going to a reunion for law school and he NEEDS TO NAME ALL THE TOP LAWYERS he knows and all the ways the ones he is "friends with"
that are on the "who's who of top successful lawyers" and have practiced "philanthropy".

I am sitting there TRYING to do this deposition and NOT HAVE A FLASHBACK because
of how I had been in such serious condition with crippling REAL PTSD and I did not really understand it or even how to avoid experiencing these flashbacks or horrible
episodes that PTSD presents. And here is my lawyer going on and on ALL ABOUT HIMSELF and I can see how the opposing attorney A WOMAN is not interested at all
and just is being polite. NO, I did not have anyone there FOR ME that day either,
instead it was very clear to me that I was ALONE with two people and a stenographer
that WERE THERE FOR THEMSELVES. I wish I could play a video from my brain what
that looked like from "my position" that day. If I "could" do that it would be so
obvious to everyone here that what happened to me that day WAS WRONG and you
would all see how this older attorney was in a strange DEMENTIA mindset where
all he was doing was having one of those episodes where "he really was in his
own world" and that was so much more important than MY DEPOSITION, which
did not get finished due to his need to take so much time away for HIS NEED TO
TALK ABOUT HIMSELF that day.

That took place in October of 2010 and that deposition ended with me being asked
which horse/pony got hurt the worst and I looked down on a diagram I had drawn
and went into a flashback and THEY WERE ALL THERE HURT AND ALL I COULD DO
IS CRY and I could not talk, no I was totally trapped in that flashback. They ended
the deposition there and I had all I could do to find my way to the bathroom to get
away from them and try to find my way back to the NOW somehow. I just wanted
to be alone and get myself together in that bathroom, and I can't even count how many
times "a bathroom" was the place I ran to in order to have some kind of safety too.
I did not even think about that then either, no that was going to reveal itself later in a way I never imagined my brain doing. However, when I got in the bathroom and locked myself in one of the stalls, trying so hard to "get myself together", the stenographer
came in and heard me crying and said, "I am so sorry that happened to you, losing an
animal can be like losing a child to some people". And at least SOMEONE did see that
in that room that day. But, I have to say her words only made me cry even more.

When I finally got it together to get out of that bathroom, that room was EMPTY and
I didn't even see my own lawyer, the floor was really empty and even that stenographer
had left. Yes, everyone else's agenda, their needs were taken care of and they were gone, and I WAS ALONE, ALL ALONE ON THAT FLOOR, and no one was really there
for any of that, I was alone and found my way out and to my car and I don't even know
how I found my way home.

It would have been "helpful" if I even had a therapist to talk to about all that, but I did not have ANYONE and that was because I DID NOT HAVE ANY MONEY TO HAVE THAT
KIND OF HELP. No, so many animals were damaged, that I was in debt, my business
was suffering, what I could manage to do of my business because I was struggling so
much and alone with this horrible thing called PTSD that I don't even know how I managed to do any of that tbh. We had to give up our health insurance too, and I had tried to look for a therapist to help me with the PTSD but they were ALL WAY OUT OF ANYTHING I COULD AFFORD. I had NO ONE, no one to help me with this awful thing
called PTSD either. I had presented to a psych ward asking, no begging, for rest and grief counseling and the psychiatrist did not HEAR ME and MISDIAGNOSED ME and
I did not get the help I needed. I did not even have PC then either, I HAD NO ONE!!!

I am going to stop here, I have to get out there and take care of my ponies. And I am
very tired and my body is in a lot of pain right now. At least I have T today, I hope I can make that drive this time, last week I was so bad I could not drive.
At least my T will do a session over the phone, but last week I was really bad,
he was perplexed and there was not enough time for me to express all that I needed to express with him. It was not a helpful telephone session tbh, and
I ended up being triggered when he said, "time is up" too.

This is really hard, because I feel like somehow, someway someone is going to
get dismissive. I am trying to talk about something "important" something
"very real" and no matter how hard I try, I am treated as though "it is not real", it is not important and I am only making "too much" fuss somehow.
Yesterday alone was horrible and I am not doing well at all.

OE

[Parley]

Here's hoping for a day of strength. enough to get you to therapy and home safely.

[Open Eyes]

I just wanted to add, that I NEVER got to finish being deposed. My husband was deposed, my daughter was deposed and they tried to talk about how they were not "in charge" of my ponies and horses and that was "my" thing. Yet they were both pushed into answering and I can see how that did not "help me" or my case at all. And my ex attorney, again was not in the "now" enough to see it either.

Here it is all this time passed and yet I STILL HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO BE HEARD or
FINISH TELLING MY STORY either. Instead, everyone else is talking, giving their POV,
and NO ONE IS LISTENING TO ME. I never got to finish being deposed, my attorney
got so he was declining so badly that he did not pay attention to the opposing side's requests to finish deposing me. Even when I got so bad, and really needed to TELL MY STORY and sat across from my ex attorney, LITERALLY BEGGING HIM to please remember scheduled depositions and NOTIFY ME, all he did was let me talk and then stand up and tell me that I should be happy he gave me that time because after all,
he is an important successful attorney and makes $800 per hour. Well, that would have been "ok" IF HE ACTUALLY DID LISTEN TO ME. No, instead he forgot more depositions and it is even down in my court records as "FAILURE TO APPEAR".

Yesterday, was all about me trying so damn hard to be heard, and all I got was people on the other line TELLING ME THEY DID NOT HAVE TIME, THEY WERE TOO BUSY AND
ARE REALLY ONLY INTERESTED IN GIVING ME AN EAR, MAYBE, IF I CAN GIVE THEM
MONEY.

What is SO HARD for me, SO VERY HARD is that so much of this challenge is ALL IN WRITING too. In my deposition however, my ex lawyer's needs were only entered as
a kind of break, can't remember what it was called.

No matter how hard I try, what I say, I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE HEARD.
OPPRESSED? Wow, it is so obvious yet I CAN'T GET ANYONE TO SEE IT.

[Alishia88]

OE; I´m sorry for all the pain you have had to go through.

I don´t know, I don´t think this is necessarily only a gender thing...

I mean, an EMT yelling at you to shut up when you are in this kind of pain?!

That is weird and makes me think this is a very strange, unprofessional person, either way, that might or might not scream at men and children too.
Just like a doctor shouldn´t scream at a patient when they´re in pain, an EMT shouldn´t - and I´d hope, wouldn´t in most cases either.
I´m just thinking you were very unfortunate to get stuck with this person.

""get the hell up and knock it off".

Do you think I would have been yelled at that way if I was a man?
"

I think you might have, men are "supposed to be tough", really depending on who you´re interacting with.

Such behaviour, yelling at a dangerously ill person in the emergency room, is weird and such a person has, I´d think, some sort of anger problems and might yell at anyone...

I don´t think that all of it happened just because you are a woman or that the behaviour can be explained by that.
I think it happened because you were very unfortunate with the people that you had to deal with.

Some people are harmful, toxic, unhelpful, stupid either way, no matter if they´re talking to women, children or men. Some are sexist, but that is their problem, not yours.

I just mean, a good parnter will treat you with respect- woman or man, a good doctor will talk to any patient in an appropriate way.

If they don´t, the fault doesn´t lie in you being a woman, it lies with them, not knowing how to treat people.

I don´t know if this helps, but I got the Mind-Body workbook for PTSD
and one of the exercises made you see your frustration and tension when you think about how the world "should be" and then works on trying to accept that unfortunately, the world often isn´t what it "should" be like.
It does relieve tension, I feel.

[MotownJohnny]

Well, I'm on my lunch hour, so I can respond at length.

First of all, OE, I have to say, you've gotten a raw deal all around, and that just made everything SO MUCH WORSE. You needed loving kindness, support and comfort from your family after the dog attack, and didn't get it. You needed (and more importantly deserved) competent legal help, and didn't get it. You needed people to listen to you, and didn't get that in real life either.

I know that in my case, I often ponder about how differently things would have turned out if I had just gotten what I wanted in that psychiatrist's office, which was a few kind words and my request for outpatient treatment and absolute privacy be honored.

My therapist raises a point, often, that, had it gone down differently, it is unlikely I would have been so motivated to change my life. Which is true, but I still do not believe the trauma of the situation was necessary. As I said so many times, I needed loving kindness, and I got another iron fist.

You needed that, too. In so many situations, I think having someone tell you "it will be OK" is so important. Those few words can mean so much, and I can think of a number of times in my life I needed to hear that message, but I didn't get it. And, honestly, I think it would have made a difference at those times, I might not have gotten so consumed with fear and depression if I thought there was "hope".

[Open Eyes]

Alisha,

I used to look at it the way you are describing, I did not look at the way I was so badly
treated was because I was a woman. That really came into my mind when I noticed
the difference in how Mowtown was treated verses how I was treated. And actually,
in all my supportive posts to others, I have never said "you are treated this way because
you are a woman" to members who struggle and are women. Instead I try to hone in on
the abuser and point out things about that person that made them challenged so that
they were abusive and un-nurturing.

Mowtown, while your therapist is party right, what helped you a lot was finding someone
who also gave you permission to invest in yourself too. When we gain access to that kind of person, it really does wonders for how we "heal" and move forward. I would not have made it had I not met the vet here that helped me when the PTSD got so bad that
I experienced such severely crippling dark thoughts. Along with that I also had eventually found a therapist that "is the real deal" and extremely supportive and understanding. He has been seeing all that is going on with me IRL that has been bad
and actually "retraumatizing" me and not good for the PTSD at all. It has been so bad
that I didn't want to talk about it here at PC for fear that I might somehow be dismissed and hurt even more. Yet, there were times it leaked out and when that did happen comments were made and I suffered even more on top of already suffering IRL.

What I do here at PC is have an outlet to have that "good part" of me come out because
that has been so crippled IRL. I spent a lot of time IRL doing very positive things and
while I was tested a lot, I still saw a lot of gains taking place, I just was not ever expecting to see all that just wiped out the way it was. I just worked very hard to have my own place, it was private too, no signs, no "hey look at me" going on, just private
where "positive things" were taking place. I had my "own way" of teaching children and
I worked with a lot of different children all with different "self esteem" challenges and I
had designed a program for each one of them, just for each child and it worked well. I did for each of them what I do here tbh. I "see you", I "hear you" and do my best to
"help" if I can. Yet, I admit, sometimes some of the PTSD and IRL issues comes into
the mix, and then I am misunderstood etc.

I don't have people come to my farm but only "occasionally" because I need the money
so badly. I had "tried" to rebuild and try to train some ponies I had left. It was so hard
because I would have flashbacks when I worked with them and at the time I had no money to work with a therapist. And I had bad experiences with that so I was trying
to do it on my own as best as I could.

However, even with the lawsuit, my neighbor was still being "intrusive" and then while
I had a few people coming to help me with this training, students that I had taught to ride. I had another neighbor who's electric fence malfunctioned, a policeman to boot.
I called the dog warden and in spite of her talking to him he still didn't fix it and that dog was coming down my driveway and that was not good because now my horses and ponies are terrified of dogs. I was lucky that one of my students took pictures of the dog coming down my driveway and I ended up sitting across from the police chief insisting that it be taken care of as he was insisting it had been WHEN IT WAS NOT.

Well, that whole challenge triggered the PTSD badly, along with my neighbor still trespassing, even tearing down a no trespassing sign. I ended up having a "rage"
with my daughter and it hurt her and I had no idea "why" that happened and that it
happened because of the PTSD. Well, it was not fair to my daughter, the one person
I would never want to hurt. I felt so horrible and I didn't understand it either and that ended everyone coming out and she moved out, moved out when she knew my husband and I were going to do a job and be gone all day. That was the very beginning of the dark PTSD taking shape.

I tried again to find a way to get back in that ring and had a trainer come out and work with me as I worked with a beautiful mustang I had. This woman was a really nice woman and respectful (kind of like the PT you talk about Mowtown). I tried really hard
to scrounge up money to have her keep coming. I was trying to have something "positive" happen in that riding ring again. It was cheaper than a therapist, however,
I could not keep it up, just did not have enough money. And I wanted it so badly, needed it so badly too.

Now, for me to be in that riding ring just triggers the PTSD. As I mentioned, I only have
customers come on occasion. I talk about a child psychologist who had credentials up the wazoo that came her with her grand daughter? Well, that came unexpected, I didn't even know what she was, just that she was a doctor. She sent out that presence where
it was clear she needed to be in charge. I just let her do that until she got frustrated and asked me to take over. I worked with this child as I always did really and when I finished this woman could not stop praising me about how gifted I was and should seriously consider going back to school and becoming a psychologist.

I kept myself together that day, but she didn't know that I had already really been doing that and she just saw a sample of it. I didn't talk about the PTSD or everything that had happened, how hard it was for me to be in that ring either that day. I just graciously thanked her and she left and I went up to my room and climbed into my bed and cried.

OE

[JaneC]

I just want to offer you a kind and supportive OE. I'm sorry, but I really have little energy right now, and can't find the words to give a better response.

Just know I am sending caring thoughts your way. OE

[Patagonia]

((((((OE))))))
Gentle hugs to you. You're so brave!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Open Eyes]

Thanks Jane, I understand as I have experienced that myself a lot too. There have been many times where my IRL situations have challenged me so much that I just do not have the energy or wisdom to address the things others are challenged with. It is ok if you are experiencing that, just do your best to focus on your own needs and healing and I find that is something that is done literally one day at a time.

I have been involved in a scenario that I honestly never imagined ever having to
deal with. I broke and reached out for help and was failed and that has been something
I keep dealing with over and over in more ways than I ever imagined too. I had a lawyer that was failing mentally and all my efforts to reach out for help failed because
of the politics and how well known he was. It had to get so bad that I got desperate
and reached out to a lawyer that I didn't want to use because of how she is part of
the very political horse world. And that is a very different challenge to where I was
concerned that possibly the politics surrounding that would be a problem too, and that
too has reared an ugly head. I was told something that severely triggered me and
I wish I had not acted on that severe trigger as that has blown up in my face too.

I am now at such a loss and I don't know what to do or think, all I know is that
it looks like people that have hurt me in such profound ways are going to get to
get away with it which I know will only empower them and I no longer feel I have
any power to feel safe with all my hard work to have what I had or have left. And
I will be left to continue to pay on a debt that I do not deserve to be left with either.

I am tired and I don't think at this point that there is much that anyone can say that
is going to "fix" this and it is something a person would have to experience themselves
to see the gravity of it all too. Even my T is challenged as he is just doing his best
to help me maintain as he is seeing me being retraumatized over and over again.

My T said something to me yesterday that triggered me badly too. He told me
that I am going to have to "trust" and that hit me hard because literally everyone I did trust failed me big time and left me with even more damage.
Oh, how I wish I actually could "trust", I certainly tried and the results of
that effort turned into situations that I thought were only in fiction novels
tbh.

OE

[Parley]

Might be hard to believe OE~ I understand more than I care to.

[Open Eyes]

It is not enough to witness something, to just go out to dinner and come home and see
a dog running circles around all my ponies and horses to a point where they are so frightened they are running into fences and frantic in a way I had never witnessed before. As soon as my husband got out of the car and the dog saw him it took off into my neighbors yard and we saw them let it in their house. I never imagined the amount of injuries I had to address. Yet, the opposing side will insist on asking me what happened before that while we were not there, how do I know there was not something else that took place before what I saw that caused all the damage? Even though it was
obvious to me that this had been happening for a while so that dog had them so terrified
that they were all out of breath and sweaty and upset and I was to discover suffered
so many injuries, in ways I could not imagine, that isn't good enough? Even though
the result from that made all of them now "terrified" of dogs, so much so that one of them that I turned out during his recovery process just seeing my neighbors dog tried
to jump out of his paddock and didn't make it but landed on the gate literally bending it in half to where he was literally set on that gate dazed, I was alone when that happened and did not know what to do, but watched him slide off to the ground, struggle to get up
and walked a few steps, then trotted up a small incline and stand there frozen and shaking in a way I had never seen a horse shake, staring at my neighbor's dog. This is a horse that had never expressed the slightest care/concern about dogs EVER and dogs
were always around where he had been stabled and at many different horse shows. When my neighbor's dogs were contained in their yard my horses/ponies saw them all the time and never cared, nothing, it went from that to all of them now terrified? That is similar to a person driving a car constantly with out much thought, no big deal to
experiencing a car accident where they got hurt and then being terrified to get back into a car. Or any scenario where someone was frightened so badly by something, taken by surprise and now being terrified of whatever that happened to be. Certainly members
here know that.

It is not even enough that I have entire fence lines snapped or that I even found a dog rawhide laying on the ground that their dog must have dropped while running those laps. I still have that and it was not important enough to take and test for syliva that would match it to that dog? No, that isn't enough proof, maybe it could show the dog
might have been there but not doing anything to prove he was doing what me and my husband witnessed him doing? Even with the fact that I had "many" injured isnt enough.

Even with my neighbors admitting their fence was malfunctioning isn't enough. And even though seeing it happen created me to developing PTSD, well, they will need to
open up my entire history and put that on trial too and it is not advised I go through that, especially since I was misdiagnosed when I did present with Post Traumatic
Stress.

My neighbor admitted that it was doing the same thing to his chickens and ducks, running laps around their pen too, he told me to get a gun and shoot the dog, he was angry with his daughter and "when is she going to learn to be responsible"? If the police had come out when I asked them too, they would have heard all of that too.
No, they would not come out, the dog warden was out sick for two weeks and by the time she "did" finally come out my neighbor's talked to their insurance company who
told them not to admit anything. Their insurance company told me to get a lawyer
too. They have one interest "only" and that is to do anything they can to avoid
paying out any money on a claim too. My neighbor has one interest too, to avoid
being "responsible" for their negligence.

I have been thrown into an unbelievable "cess pool" of experiencing first hand just
how awful people really can be on more levels than I ever imagined in my wildest dreams.

[Open Eyes]

What has also been so challenging to me is that I suffered all this loss right in the middle of my season, as my business is seasonal. I have that reminder, but what has also been a pattern every year is that much of the legal challenges have also hit me at that same time instead of during the months that I can get triggered and crash and I don't have the challenge of trying to run my business at the same time. So, I have been reliving it every business season ever since it happened 7 years ago. Last year was so bad my earnings dropped over $7,000 from the previous year and every years since suffering all that loss has been less and less productive for me, the PTSD along with the ongoing legal challenges and ongoing neighbor problems even with a lawsuit taking place has greatly damaged my ability to be productive. I never get "time off", I have had to go out there and take care of them all even when I am very sick and need to be in bed. I simply do not earn enough to pay for help like I used to so I could catch a break.

I feel as though I have never gotten rid of the exhaustion I felt when I got so overwhelmed I broke and begged for rest and grief counseling, yet got neither.
My therapist agrees that my challenges are constant and relentless and he
gets frustrated and at least we talk through whatever the flavor of the week is.
I have two other challenges taking place that I have not really shared here at PC either.

OE

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Well, I'm on my lunch hour, so I can respond at length.

First of all, OE, I have to say, you've gotten a raw deal all around, and that just made everything SO MUCH WORSE. You needed loving kindness, support and comfort from your family after the dog attack, and didn't get it. You needed (and more importantly deserved) competent legal help, and didn't get it. You needed people to listen to you, and didn't get that in real life either.

[COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]It got really bad when I broke, I am usually the one that seems to be the strongest and empathetic-ally open. So, when I broke others got mad at me. I could not get others to understand the significance of what I lost, and how much I felt totally violated, it was the worst violation I had experienced because of how much it took away that was so important to me. [/COLOR]

I know that in my case, I often ponder about how differently things would have turned out if I had just gotten what I wanted in that psychiatrist's office, which was a few kind words and my request for outpatient treatment and absolute privacy be honored.
[COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]Psychiatrists are not typically warm and fuzzy, they are mostly about diagnosing and drug treatment.[/COLOR]

My therapist raises a point, often, that, had it gone down differently, it is unlikely I would have been so motivated to change my life. Which is true, but I still do not believe the trauma of the situation was necessary. As I said so many times, I needed loving kindness, and I got another iron fist.
[COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]You are motivated by others saying you "can't"because you need to prove them wrong and when you do you feel empowered. It is also a control thing, you don't like others to challenge you when it comes to control. You had enough of that when you were young.[/COLOR]

You needed that, too. In so many situations, I think having someone tell you "it will be OK" is so important. Those few words can mean so much, and I can think of a number of times in my life I needed to hear that message, but I didn't get it. And, honestly, I think it would have made a difference at those times, I might not have gotten so consumed with fear and depression if I thought there was "hope".

[COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]Yes, that is empathy that is "genuine" and nurturing that you needed and went without. And with a trauma, often the person struggling needs to talk about it over and over, that is because of the disbelief and shock to their sense of safety. I had a friend that I would sit and listen to her say the same things and ask the same questions over and over again and also try to figure out the reasons and I would listen and not tell her that she had already told me, she needed to think she was telling me something new, and so I would just listen. My friend would talk and have the same emotions with every thing she repeated too. This went on for a long time and I would always talk to her when I knew I could sit and listen for a couple of hours while she went through her needs to repeat everything. She doesn't remember I did that either. And sadly she was not capable of returning that favor when I needed it either. Sadly she too got cross with me when I didn't "just" snap out of it, well I had PTSD.

Thank you for knowing what I needed ((Mowtown))) [/COLOR]

Oh, I hope you can see I tried to use color to respond to you and I don't know why it did not come out right. I am having a hard time getting things to come out right, even my text I have to keep editing because it doesn't come out the way I type it when I hit send. I hope you can see where I responded to you
inside your post that I quoted. I don't know why it doesn't come out for me like it used to either.

[SeekerOfLife]

Oh, Open Eyes, I am so sorry for the way you have been treated. It was totally without compassion. Big hugs.

[MotownJohnny]

Unfortunately, OE, your experiences with the legal system are not atypical - including the issues with your first attorney's state of mind, that kind of thing happens too much, since there is little oversight of the "quality" of legal representation, and ethical and practical violations need to be pretty blatant before the state/bar association client grievance entities become involved. And of course, it is standard operating procedure to "wear down" the plaintiff, any defense attorney will do everything possible to throw roadblocks in the path of a plaintiff. Unfortunately, it is an adversarial system, so that is how it works. It does not leave many people feeling that there is "justice", yet no one has come up with a viable alternative.

Honestly, if someone is involved in a situation like yours, even if the initial event that resulted in their damages didn't cause PTSD, the entire process as a lawsuit winds its way through the system is enough to induce PTSD. It is a brutal thing, like a dangerous surgery, that often has to be pursued if there is any hope of restitution.

[Open Eyes]

It was a shock to witness and have that result in PTSD. It is another shock to be trying to defend myself from a neighbor who intruded on me so badly that has so threatened
my sense of safety. I do not feel "safe" in the one place I created to be "safe". If I lose, it will only empower these "intrusive and disrespectful people".

I never imagined experiencing this kind of scenario, and developing this PTSD that magnifies my "sense of not being safe" either, and also as I try to function every day, having my brain struggle the way it does because everything I do is a reminder of the trauma. I literally "live" where all the trauma happened.

It is a challenge "every" day and I don't know what I am going to do about it tbh. I was hoping it would ease up. I try to keep going but my subconscious is so strong, it just kicks in
and I am very challenged. My arms hurt the worst they ache
so bad now the muscles ache and hurt to the touch. My upper back too. It literally feels like I get beaten up when I go out there, it's awful.

OE

[MotownJohnny]

OE, I completely understand when you say "I literally 'live' where the trauma happened" - because with my debacle, it was also on "home turf" for the most part - the doctor I went to is only a few miles from work in one direction, the hospital is literally about 2 miles from my office in the other direction. Fortunately, both are 90 degrees away from my daily commute route, so I don't have to go past either every last day - if I did, I know that would be very difficult, as with your farm, when I do go to those areas, it triggers bad memories and bad feelings.

As adverse as I was to the hospital, I have gone back there, in a different capacity, as a patient for a vastly different medical specialty, integrative medicine - all part of my quest to "fix myself" and get over all of this. And, after I had known that doctor for a couple of visits, I told her that she was the hospital's opportunity to redeem itself in my eyes. I still see her every few months. It is still difficult to go into the hospital complex, and I purposely use the far entrance off of a different road from where I entered to go to the day hospital program. This is an enormous place, and the area I go to now is on the far side of the complex from where I had to go in 2012. But, it STILL bothers me.

One thing that really freaks me out, but I have forced myself - going into their cafeteria and food court. When I was in the day program for three long weeks (well, 14 actual days of reporting, plus weekends in between), they gave us cafeteria vouchers every day, which I used part of the time, other times I would go to the food court or go out to a restaurant close by. But, in the cafeteria, there were several "checkout" lanes, and one was always staffed by an older, very gracious, very sweet and pleasant African American lady. At that time, I was so profoundly lost and hopeless and upset that I sought out any gesture of kindness, so I would make sure I always got into her line even if it was longer. She would always have some pleasant comment, made me feel better for just a second, even though I was sure I had "MENTAL PATIENT" stamped across by back and forehead and that everyone "knew" and was watching me, waiting to stand and accuse me in the manner of the scene from 'Jesus Christ Superstar' when the citizens of Jerusalem shout out "Crucify Him" (NOT that I'm comparing myself to Christ in any way except as an example of what I thought people would want done to me for my "violations of the rules of society").

And of course, I still live in the very same town that was the scene for my nightly rambles which were based out of emotional and physical exhaustion, fear, despair, and hopelessness.

Even to this day, one thing that REALLY gets to me, that I have to deal with almost weekly - the route home from my therapist's office is the same route, in part, as that I took home the fateful day the psychiatrist "sentenced" me to the day hospital. And, it goes right by an old courthouse, which stands literally right on the street, separated only by parallel parking spots and a wide sidewalk. Except, that old courthouse was sold decades ago by the county, and it is now the local homeless shelter. Where homeless men mill about in the evenings, waiting to be let in for the night. And, driving home that day in August, 2012, I was sure that that was my fate, to end up homeless, broke, sick, scared, essentially "damned". Seeing those men that late afternoon, milling around on a beautiful, cool summer day with white puffy clouds in blue sky, a fresh breeze, just a beautiful day, was a sight I will NEVER forget. And, going by there just takes me back to that place. I still do it, it's the "practical" route, and part of me believes that it is "desensitization" to pass by these places, but OTOH, I know my experiment in "exposure therapy" last year was a pretty dismal failure, it just made me worse.

Yup, this is pretty awful, it sucks, and people, even such as my therapist, don't seem to "get it" when it comes to certain aspects of it. I say that, until they've had it, they can never fully understand what it is like.

[Open Eyes]

I have been seriously considering writing a letter and sending it out to everyone.

I am so sick of the gossip and mind games and lies and manipulations and incompetence taking place and my not being able to JUST GIVE THE TRUTH and tell MY SIDE.

I am tired of having the bad behaviors of others end up dumped in my lap to where I am mistreated, misunderstood and unfairly judged and end up suffering losses because of how others are careless, incompetent, or negligent.

I have been trying to get a veterinarian to write up a report for my new lawyer so my case doesn't get thrown out and I have been trying to get him to do this for over 4 months now. His secretaries told me to call him on his cell and bug him, I told them I didn't like doing that because he is such a busy man. He has told me several times now that he will get it done by a certain day only to not follow through. The last time I called him to see if he got it done he yelled at me and it triggered the PTSD so badly.

This is something that should have been taken care of by my ex lawyer years ago when this vet could remember better and actually have "more" time to do a report because there would have been much more time for him without me bugging him now when my case is down to the wire where I have to have this stuff done.

I never was able to finish being deposed by the opposing side either. This lawyer kept saying how little she knew about horses and was trying to learn. She was getting help from someone in the horse world and this someone also told her "gossip" about me that was not true.

She should have never been allowed to ask my husband if we were separated either. That was not anything she could have looked up either. That was all gossip spread by that trainer that was severely neglecting his children, that was way back in '97 and my neighbors did not even know us or live next door until three years after that. None of my neighbors knew about that, and that trainer spread horrible lies about me around the show circuit. I had to go to the horse shows to protect "my" child because of how this trainer insisted on standing at the gate with his arms crossed and glaring at "my" child to try to intimidate her while she tried to compete on her horse. Only further proving his disrespect and willingness to abuse "children". He is a horrible, horrible person and he also crippled every horse that he got his hands on too.

I should not have to not only endure witnessing everything I loved destroyed because of someone's negligence and then develop PTSD and sit in a deposition that my ex lawyer made ALL ABOUT HIMSELF the way he did giving those long dissertations about himself and then I literally BEG him to stay on top of the opposing sides effort to finish deposing me and because he is SO DEMENTED he fails to keep track of the opposing sides efforts to schedule several depositions.

And because my new attorney tried to fix my case my ex attorney will get away with all that?

I can't sleep at night, I am in so much pain in my arms and chest I wake up in pain and I wake up wanting to "cry" every single day.

If I am going to walk away with nothing because of INCOMPETENCE AND GOSSIP and POLITICS that don't even BELONG IN MY CASE AND IN MY FACE, then AT LEAST, if I write a letter showing THE TRUTH about EVERYONE'S PART IN all this crap being thrown at me that is WRONG, UNFAIR, ABUSIVE then AT THE VERY LEAST I WILL WALK AWAY WITH THE "TRUTH" out there.

What is happening to me is very wrong and all it has been doing is constantly RETRAUMATIZING ME, and making the PTSD more and more crippling. My body is in constant pain now and honestly, this is literally "killing me" and it is not right. If I do die because my body gives out AT LEAST THE TRUTH WILL BE OUT THERE.

I have done "nothing wrong", I have always been an honest caring and good person who was the ONLY ONE willing to step up and stand up for others too. I was a good mother, and an extremely "patient" wife and the only thing I am guilty of is actually "caring" and trying to help the other people around me that had challenges.

I had two people that both had dyslexia and a husband who also had compulsive ADHD, I did everything I could to reach out for help so I COULD HELP MY OWN LITTLE FAMILY do the best they could in spite of their challenges. My husband has been sober for almost 25 years and he helps others who struggle with alcoholism get sober and on the right path too. My daughter is a kind and patient and "thoughtful" young woman too, and she notices when others struggle and reaches out to them, SHE HAS BEEN MORE OF A TRUE HORSE WOMAN WITH A GENUINE RESPECT FOR THE ANIMAL AND THOSE WHO WANT TO BE GOOD HORSEMEN then all these dam gossipy horse trainers who only worry about who likes who and who is winning more than who as well as all the veterinarians that are the same way.

And none of them respect or like the horse trainer I left and reported for abusing/neglecting his own children. The children who stayed with him ended up all messed up, and now they are very messed up adults with all kinds of problems. I am sure his children are that way too. When he is on the show grounds everyone turns away from him in disgust.

So I have to be deposed by a lawyer that knows nothing, has no idea how really bad it all is, and QUESTION ME because of some 'GOSSIP THIS HIDEOUS MAN SPREAD ABOUT ME? And I don't even get to DEFEND MYSELF??? and TELL MY SIDE?????

I have had it with people who need to "blame me" for THEIR PROBLEMS.

I am so tired, I DESERVE TO HEAL, I don't deserve to suffer because of how NEGLIGENT and SELFISH other people are.

My new lawyer is involved in that world too and THAT IS NOT HELPING because of the WHO LIKES WHO AND WHO DOESN'T LIKE WHO crap and opinions different people have about her too.

Honestly, I would like to haul all these different people into that court room and point to every single one of them and PUBLICLY SHAME THEM.

Even my new lawyer needed to gossip about a veterinarian I had out to help me with a pony that never recovered from colicing because of how my neighbor's dog ran around her paddock scaring her so much that she got very sick. It ended up damaging her intestines that never fully healed right. This woman veterinarian was so patient and nice to me. She was also beautiful, and unfortunately became a victim of a vet she worked under who threatened if she left him he would ruin her.

I am tired of the way people tend to "blame" the wrong person,"the victim", be it me or anyone else.