[geis]

Last night, I went to a party for the end of the campaign I've been working on for the last year. I didn't really want to go--I didn't really get attached to any of these people or anything--but my boss basically dragged me. After the party, most of the staff decided to go to a bar. Since I'd ridden with my boss, I didn't really have a choice. So we went to the bar. Then another, and another.

Being around alcohol and drunk people is a big trigger--my father was often drunk when he abused me and my sisters. I can't drink because of my chronic illness and some of the meds I take, so I was the only one there who wasn't drunk. I also can't stand for very long, so they basically just left me sitting alone in the corners of bars for hours. No one even said two sentences to me.

Except for the drunk guy at the second bar, not from our group, who hit on me and harassed me and grabbed my breast. I've had extensive martial arts training, and even though I'm not strong enough to do much of that anymore, I could've at least hit him with my cane, or told him to leave me alone, or something. But I didn't. I just sat there and froze and let him. I didn't even say anything, to him or anyone else.

So now I'm majorly triggered, and nothing feels safe. I haven't slept since then. I keep obsessively checking that the windows and doors in my apartment are locked because somebody might try to get in and rape me. I'm having flashbacks I can't control, and I'm fighting urges to do something self-destructive because I know that would stop all the symptoms. I just don't know what else to do--nothing else works, and there's nobody I can talk to.

[VelvetRevolver]

I am really sorry you are going through this. Certain aspects of alcohol and drinking is a trigger for me too. I hope you are able to get some peace and sleep tonight.

[geis]

I tried, but I had nightmares all night. Now my roommate is screaming and slamming doors...more triggers. Scared to leave my bedroom right now. I can't deal with life. I can't function. I never should've survived.

[Open Eyes]

Oh (((geis))), I am sorry you were challenged like that. I can understand how you feel right now, please give this time to where you get your barrings better. Yes, being around others that are drinking with your history can be definitely feel unsafe. These individuals that follow this lifestyle are doing that because they don't know how to relax and just be without the aide of alcohol. When I observed that what I felt about it is how they were actually more vulnerable in that condition, especially when they drink too much and make stupid mistakes they cannot undo.

I hear that you did not react, however, you were in a public place and while it was hard, it did give you a chance to think about it in a different way. People who do that in that scenario do it because sometimes it works and the individual does that because it's the only way they know how to interact with another person, that when they are sober they are often unable to interact. You can choose to understand what it means more, it's hard, yes, but it teaches one how to survive and decide for sure what something means and that it is better to avoid that kind of scenario altogether.

You wanted to do the only thing that you learned to stop the reaction you had, often that is the reason others actually get drunk too. You worked through it, and that is making progress, even though it is so uncomfortable.

(((Caring Gentle Hugs)))
OE

[Bluegrey]

(((geis)))

So sorry to hear about all this. I freeze sometimes, though thankfully haven't had to deal with something like that in recent years. I know how unsettled and unsafe I feel for ages afterwards - I've made a mental list of comforting things that help me but it takes a while before I'm in a state where that will work.

Please just keep trying, keep doing whatever might help even if it doesn't help just yet - after a while it might, as you begin to recover from the trigger. I find holding something warm and soft helps (I have a velvety top I sometimes wear if I think it's likely I'll need this).

Is there anyone you could be with for a while that you'd feel safe with?


Bluegrey

[hoping2smile]

It sounds like you need help getting grounded. One piece of advice I found helpful is to take your shoes off and put your bare feet on the ground (preferably grass) and also to take a coolish shower. These helped me a few weeks ago when I needed it.

[geis]

I'm not having trouble with grounding--I know what day/year it is, where I am, and all of that. I just can't stop the memories and the body memories, and I can't stop blaming myself for everything that happened recently and the stuff that happened years ago. I'm really struggling not to self-harm or BP because that would stop it all. I spent most of the day taking Benadryl, sleeping, waking up, taking more to put me back to sleep, and just doing that over and over. It's probably not that safe, but it's less unsafe than anything else I would do to cope right now.

I just don't even want to be alive. I can't live like this. I want to have an okay life, but I think I'm just too messed up to ever be okay.

[Open Eyes]

(((((((((((((geis))))))))))))))))),

Self blaming is very common with PTSD, I have had to work on that myself, it can be worked through, you can get past this stage, even though it feels so hopeless.
Do you have access to a therapist?

[Parley]

`Don't beat yourself up too much for the jerk in the bar. Many trained women have frozen in similar situations. Your fear/shock does not make you responsible for his disgusting behavior.

I think living with someone screaming and slamming doors probably keeps you in the mindset ~once you are triggered. It must be hard to escape the fear in your mind when you are dealing with abrasive behaviors in reality.

Take care geis~ hope you feel better soon.

[geis]

No, no therapist, and no hope of getting one in the foreseeable future. No way of getting rid of the awful roommate either--she's on the lease. I'm totally on my own.

And yeah, the screaming and door-slamming and general level of passive-aggressive crap is really not helping. That's a trigger anyway, but on top of the thing at the bar...I just can't deal with any of it.

I wish I could just get over it. If I weren't so screwed up none of this would've happened to begin with. It's always just me being so effing stupid, just letting people do whatever they want to me. I could've stopped the guy at the bar, but I just...didn't.

[Open Eyes]

Oh no, it's not your fault, you struggle with PTSD, so it's hard to deal with that let alone have the challenges you are sharing. You mustn't self blame, you have been trying your best, it's just that others around you have no idea what it's like, I know, I had to deal with that myself, it's so hard, but certainly not your fault. I too have been in situations where I did not react right either, it's just part of the challenge, and honestly, even someone who doesn't have PTSD can "freeze" like that.

[geis]

I don't know how not to blame myself. Everyone says it like it's so easy: oh, you can't blame yourself for what somebody else did! But I can and I do, and I don't know how to stop it.

And now the nightmares are back too. I'm so tired, but I'm afraid to sleep...but being awake is terrible too. There's just no way out.

[Open Eyes]

((geis)),

No, it's not easy, I had that challenge a lot myself. It is something I have noticed a lot of different members I have met in the forum over my time here have been challenged with too. Also, for a really long time, and even now when I have a bad day I utter, "I am sorry". For myself, it was a tremendous amount of work "not" to react to different triggers too. I had to learn to be really "patient" with myself too. It took me a while to not only understand it, but how to really work at it and learn to be patient and self sooth and more importantly, keep incouraged to keep trying too.

Our subconscious mind is developing from the time we are so young. We take in so many messages from people around us that we don't realize too. So many people really do not realize what it means, the incredible responsiblity it is to raise a child. People don't realize how much the brain depends on whatever is "filed and saved" depending on what one "knows" to have the capacity to gain resolve or process during sleep. For myself, I have actually experienced a lot of traumas in my life, and I did struggle to sleep and actually gain a "restorative" sleep. Bad dreams, and night terrors even, just the brain struggling to figure out what to do with the big hard challenges that catch us off guard somehow.

A lot of people who experienced challenges read a lot, I did a lot of that, read alot about the brain, learned about different challenges people have, I constantly watched the history channel or Science Channel or anything I could listen to and take in more info in my brain, even left it on all night while I was sleeping too and still do. Every now and then I would visit the abuse forum here, or other forums and think about the spectrum of challenges so many have. So many people have been hurt in so many ways, wanting to know why, and with so many, it is clearly not their fault.

I have PTSD, I have struggled so much, have made gains on it and many days, it's like multi-tasking because of how my mind just needs to think and sort through so much, and at the same time try to function, and try to work somehow too. I don't mean to be challenged, I certainly don't ask to be triggered or experience emotional flashbacks that just come over me. Yet, when they do, I choose to be patient and acknowledge my feelings, sit with them and do my best until whatever comes over me passes, and that can take day or a week even, it really depends on what it is tbh.

Your roomate that tends to yell at people on the phone and be loud, well, that is distubing, yes, but that her issue not yours. My husband can be loud and emotional and triggering too. Hell, he is even loud in his sleep, snores loud and hogged the bed alot. I have had to learn how to give certain things away to others, and learn how to not blame myself. It has been a lot of work, yes, the PTSD makes it a challenge, I hear you. I also bought a fan for my room to help drown out back ground noise so I could "try" to sleep, I use that and I have the TV on all night too, found that programs that were more talking to where I wasn't distracted to look helped me alot and I would finally drift off to sleep and often I would dream about what I had watched and not what I could not quite resolve that would give me night mares or night terrors.

I have PTSD, you have PTSD, and neither of us are to blame and while that feeling can take place, ok, that is part what PTSD does, but it really does help when one doesn't chime in and agree and instead reminds self of that and commit to keep trying to heal.

If you can't find a therapist? Go to the library and look for books on trauma work, or healing from rape and self blaming, there are a lot of good books out there to read.
You need to get things going "in", so you are not just dealing with your own thoughts all the time, it helps.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Bluegrey]

I can identify with experiencing terror etc while still being aware of the here and now - most of the time that is how it has been for me. It is very peculiar, but I think I prefer it to the total immersive sort of flashback.

You mentioned how you can't just say how things should be, like not blaming yourself, and find it works - I know what you mean. But over time I have found that repeatedly reassuring myself about something can have some effect, over time - when things are feeling grim it still doesn't help much, but in the in-between times it has started to work a bit. It's very hard when all I want is for it to somehow be ok, totally and completely, but at least there are times when it isn't quite as bad.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, (((geis))). But even when you can't make progress, just keep standing as much as you can.


Bluegrey

[geis]

It hasn't been this bad in at least a year or two, but now...now I need to do something to make it stop NOW because I have no help or support, nobody to turn to or any of that. I mean, I have my useless case manager, but her answer to everything is hospitalization. But I was physically and sexually assaulted in a psych hospital, so putting me there because I'm having PTSD issues is just going to make everything worse.

So I'm all on my own, and I just can't handle this for much longer. I can't stop blaming myself or hating myself. I just want to self-destruct because I know that would make it stop, at least for a while, and I've almost completely lost sight of why I shouldn't do that. I mean, what else am I supposed to do when I'm denied any other help?

[Open Eyes]

Can you make a stink and ask for another case worker? Hospitalization is not the answer to ptsd unless there is really "more" involved then just medicating a patient "more" in an effort to stablize the patient. I can understand where you are coming from as I was not "helped" at all when I was hospitalized, in fact, it only traumatized me even more.

Did you tell your case worker that you were physically and sexually asaulted in the hospital? What you really need is a place to live where you are not having to deal with a room mate that is so triggering and you need to have access to a therapist as well as a support group.

What you have discribed is how our Mental Health Care system is still very inadequate in spite of the attempts made to try to "improve" on that problem. Have you searched the net for possible ways of gaining more help in Massachusetts?

[SmileHere]

((hugz))

So sorry you had to go through all that!!

I've written you a longer response, but it got gobbled up.

Can you watch a video and tap on your acupuncture meridians points and say things?

You can change the wording somewhat or omit anything that doesn't 'feel right'...
Even if you don't believe it, just say it (as long as it's positive and constructive)
EFT has been really helpful for PTSD - please try it! At least experiment?
You tap along these points:

Longer version of EFT is shown here:

(I find it more helpful with the humming and counting)

I wish you could do it with an EFT therapist, as it is, can you try it yourself?

[geis]

Open Eyes, I've been told in no uncertain terms that I can't change case workers. This is an agency that the Department of Mental Health contracts with, and it's the only agency in my area. They're understaffed and underfunded, and most of them don't really give a crap about patient care. I had to fight to get any services at all--when I met with one of the administrators, the man actually said, "We already have 200 clients. Which of those do you want me to drop so I can offer you services?" So raising a stink could very well get me dropped, although at this point that wouldn't actually be any loss.

I haven't told my case manager about my hospital experiences because I don't trust that she'd handle that information with any sensitivity. This agency as a whole is just really enthusiastic about hospitalizing people for anything. I'm also afraid to say anything about my living situation because they've already tried to force me into a group home, which would also exacerbate my PTSD.

I have searched and searched for other resources, but there just aren't any in my area. If I lived in Boston, perhaps, but I'm on the other end of the state, where there are far fewer resources and far less funding for everything from housing to health care to road repairs. Since I can't afford to move anywhere with better services, I'm stuck. I've even looked into online therapy, but none of the ones I found take insurance.

SmileHere, I've tried EFT before, and it hasn't helped. I'm hypersensitive to touch and don't deal well with it, so it's not really something that's useful for me. But thank you for trying to help.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I hear you, what's the point of offering help when the waiting list is so long and there really isn't enough funds? It only gets those who are employed in this area frustrated and that doesn't help anyone. It took me a while to find a therapist myself that took me in on a curve.

Well, try to not see yourself as "stuck" because that wont help you. You must have a library near you, go visit it and see what is there to read up on. You can also come here and vent or just read through the forums too, that is what I did "a lot". Even though it's a challenge for you, you do have access to "some" things, something that was not there for people who struggled before. I don't know how people had managed before tbh.

I looked on the web and noticed there are support groups in Mass. I just did not know where "you" are located and what is near you. Even a support group can be helpful if you can find one around your area. It can help you possible learn ways to work the system better too.

[geis]

I am stuck in the most literal sense of the world. Earlier this year, the local transit authority cut the bus stop close to my street. The nearest stop now is a mile away. I'm physically disabled and can't walk that distance. I have no way of affording a car. So I can't get to a library or a support group. I've even been missing doctors' appointments and necessary medical treatments because I can't get anywhere without a ride, and I don't really have close friends nearby who I can rely on for that. Just my abovementioned case manager, who's usually too busy. And I can't afford to pay my bills, so I'm probably going to lose my internet access soon too. Right now, that's all I've got.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, so you are handicapped too. Oh, there just has to be something else that can get you in a place where you have access to help for someone handicapped. How do you get to work then? There has to be some other service besides the Department of Mental Health you can reach out to. You need to be housed some place where you have access to help for the way you are handicapped.

[geis]

Well, my job is over now. (I was working on a political campaign, and the election was November 4.) One of my bosses had to come pick me up and take me home every day. But they've moved on to other things now, mostly in other states.

I'm on the waiting list for better housing, but it could be 5+ years before I get anything. Because I need an accessible apartment (I can't do stairs on a daily basis, so it has to be first floor or in a building with an elevator), the wait might be even longer. I can't afford to move until that comes through because I'm getting my current apartment for less than market value. Everything that's on the bus lines is WAY out of my price range.

My city councilor is looking into the bus route issue for me, but he told me he's not getting anywhere with it. The transit authority covers two counties and multiple towns, so our city council doesn't have sole jurisdiction over them.

I've truly exhausted all the resources available. There just aren't enough services in my area.

[Open Eyes]

Have you reached out to any of the churches around you?

[geis]

No, can't won't deal with churches.

Look, I've been through this on half a dozen other threads. I'm not looking for people to fix my circumstances for me. My circumstances suck, and there's really no way around that at this point in time. I'm a smart and resourceful person, and if there were solutions that would work, I would've found them. When people try to fix my life, we just go around and around in circles because I have already made use of all the resources that are available to me, so I just end up feeling more isolated and hopeless because it just becomes this litany of suggestions and rejections. That just distances me from everyone, and that's the last thing I need.

What I really need is support, not fixing. I need people to relate to me as a person, not as a problem to be solved and then checked off the list. I have no connections in real life. I don't matter to anyone. No one is even around to notice I'm having a major PTSD meltdown, let alone care about that fact. I need to feel like people understand and care, but when people give me a long list of "have you tried this," I feel like I'm not even really a person. I wasn't a person to the people who hurt me, and now I'm not a person to the people I'm looking to for support, either. I know that's not the intention, but that's how it feels to me. It feels like no one wants to actually listened to what happened or how I feel about it, so they just throw solutions at me from a distance. So I don't know, maybe I really don't belong here. Maybe I don't belong anywhere. I feel like I shouldn't talk at all.

[Open Eyes]

((geis)),

I do hear what you are saying. It's hard to know exactly where someone is tbh. People are reaching out from all different places too and what is available to them varies depending on where they live.

I grew up seeing my parents making efforts to help others, even when they struggled themselves with three children. My parents helped a neighbor when no one would help him, that took a lot of their time as this person became more and more dependent. So, there "are" good people out there. I myself sought help and I did not get the right kind of help either, how I found my T is by word of mouth from my husband meeting different people in the basement of churches in AA meetings. All kinds of people go to those meetings from all walks of life. My husband has helped others get their lives back on track, even got them jobs and helped them find places to live too. Many of these individuals are not "just" alcoholics, they have other problems that challenged them where they ended up going down the wrong road.

What I am saying is often just depending on the system itself just doesn't work, however, there are people out there that network and help each other. Like I said, THE SYSTEM would have never helped me find my T that has been so amazing and helpful to me. I was in really bad shape geis, and got very suicidal too. And the "system" just did not help me, instead only made me worse tbh. And honestly, people "in" the system themselves break down and I have learned much from how we have managed to meet these individuals outside the system itself in the basements of churches.

Also, I have met people that form their own support groups because of how bad the system is, for example people that are challenged with autistic children that group together "on their own" and support each other. There are support groups for victims of rape/abuse too that form on their own as well.

The system tends to be so overloaded, as you have noticed yourself, that there is a real lack of personal attention, well, people end up forming support groups because of this problem all the time.

OE