I am not grateful today......

I am devastated.....my therapist is definitely leaving.......6-8 weeks max and it is all over.

I think I am really angry, and disappointed, and sad and hurt and so many ****ing feelings all at once that I feel the start of one and it gets shoved away........and I am left with numb. My body feels weird......very strange feelings in my arms and legs, heavy. My chest and throat feel constricted.

(****, my therapist would be so happy to actually hear me finally, FINALLY, talking about what my ****ing body feels.....)

This last week and a half has been very difficult anyway, I had a complete freak out 2 days ago at university and had to leave. Made a complete fool of myself infront of a lecturer, and some also in front of my classmates.......I have been spinning into a deep ptsd spiral.....

And now this....the final, definite news. I am ****ED!

I have no option apart from being exited from the service that I have been seeing this therapist at. The work I need to do now......doesn't fit there model.......it never has really but I guess my therapist would have fought my case and kept me there anyway.

I have no money. I can not afford private therapy. My only option is to apply to the government through a compensation programme for people who have 'mental injury' due to sexual abuse or assault. I have to go through assessments with complete strangers for them to decide if I am bad enough to warrant them funding me.........

I have to find a new therapist, out of a very small select few who are authorised or contracted by the govt. I will be turned in to a case to be managed. I will have to explain detailed accounts of stuff I haven't even spoken at any length to my therapist about.

And I have to find a way to be ok saying goodbye to my therapist..........

I am in so much pain right now, and all I want is to drink to obliterate all these feelings.......I just want it all to go away, I want to disappear.......

How the **** am I supposed to go through all that.....and be a good mum, attend uni, write papers for my degree, work and and and..........

I AM NOT FEELING GRATEFUL RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I apologise for the rant, the language, the shouting, I am sorry I can not contain this myself)

(((JaneC)))

Thank you for sharing this with us.

You have a lot of emotions that you are still processing and your therapist leaving does not help.

You said:

"My only option is to apply to the government through a compensation programme for people who have 'mental injury' due to sexual abuse or assault. I have to go through assessments with complete strangers for them to decide if I am bad enough to warrant them funding me........."

Yeah I have to really agree with you here - going through the assessment with complete strangers .... uncomfortable isn't even the word really.

"I will have to explain detailed accounts of stuff I haven't even spoken at any length to my therapist about."

This is challenging.

"I AM NOT FEELING GRATEFUL RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

You've earnt the right to say this, you really have.

I just want to acknowledge your post.

I am not here to diminish how you feel.

You've earnt the right through your experiences to express how you are feeling right now.

I am only here to listen.

And say I am sorry for the pain that you feel.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say... Sometimes there are just no words. But i'm here for you and thinking of you.

I'm sorry it's all crashing into you at once. I know you have been dreading this news since T first mentioned moving. Vent away. It can be really difficult and painful having to switch T's, especially if you now have to open up to complete strangers about stuff you have not talked about before.
Reach out as you need to...

(((Jane))), you certainly have every reason to feel overwhelmed. When this happens you deserve to vent as needed, do your best to also take time outs to rest if you can too. When I say "rest" I don't mean just sleeping, what I mean is finding distractions that are non threatening so your brain isn't on "high alert" but instead gets a chance to slow down in whatever you are doing where it says "oh, no emergency so no need to build up cortizone and adreneline". Part of the reason you go into a state of feeling "numb" is because that is your brain trying to self protect. In a way, it plays possom so your brain can slow down.

Personally, I feel the timing was not very well thought out, you should have been told this when you had a couple of days to work through it instead of having to go to class or be around others where you could easily get overwhelmed and as you have discribed embarassed yourself. You really were trying your best to function in spite of being triggered and overwhelmed, you have PTSD, it's a challenge, it's not your fault, you have been trying very hard to work through it and manage it too.

Ok, this therapist has been treating you and knows you have PTSD. Surely he can write about the fact that you do suffer from PTSD and you do have trauma's that caused you to develop PTSD. Also, you do not have to go in depth about the actual traumas to strangers either, you are only feeling like you do, but you don't.

If this therapist is exiting in a few weeks, perhaps the time you have left with him can entail him helping you with working your way towards applying through the government compensation program. Instead of your working on your history, can you work on managing your PTSD symptoms as you do what is needed to find your way to getting more help and therapy? What is survival? Is it not about using the resources we have as wisely as possible?

((Jane)), while you have these challenging feelings, is not part of healing choosing to face them and work through them instead of running from them? I am being challenged badly myself right now and I can truly sympathize with how very challenging it is, challening in a way that others don't understand and yes, it can be embarrassing when it's so challenging and hard to contain in front of others. I have been experiencing all the physical pains you are discribing myself so I definitely know how hard it is. I am doing my best to find ways to sit quiet and let my mind free of the racing thoughts, it really does help and I am doing this a lot and my days have often been one moment at a time, taking many time outs to sit and meditate, allowing my arms to be loose and focusing on allowing my body to relax. Screw everyone else, it's what I have to do in order to get through each day, some days are much harder than others.

If you struggle to not think then sit quietly close your eyes and picture a big black board and you think about having a nice piece of chalk in your hand and write the number 10 on the black board, then grab an eraser and erase it and slowly write the number 9 and then slowly erase that too. Keep doing that and focus only on that all the way down to number one and then open your eyes and see how you feel, you can even draw pictures if you want to, only nice things. Your brain will begin to realize there is no emergency and stop producing cortisol and adreneline and you will feel better. It is much harder to think when spinning negative upsetting thoughts, if you work on slowing down you will begin to realize that you can think much better after you calm yourself down, you don't need alcohol or to run, you can instead practice other self soothing time outs that actually work well.

(((Understanding Caring Hugs))))
OE

((((Jane))))

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm thinking of you.


Bluegrey

Oh, Jane, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's such a huge loss so of course it will bring up all kinds of emotions. Please be gentle with yourself.

Sending you hugs and warm thoughts of support. Feel free to PM me anytime.

Thank you all. Things suck.....I know I need to accept this, and part of me does, I just don't want to. But I will.

My mind can not handle what is happening......any emotion that comes up gets shut off so quickly, I just feel numb.......but stuck.

I wrote on another thread.....I found myself stuck in my car outside a bottle shop(liquor store) for well over an hour....battling myself to go in or go home. I wanted to call the crisis team to help talk me through it. But couldn't, because I don't know if they know about my therapist leaving officially yet.......so I didn't want to say the wrong thing.

Anyway....I made it home. I am, as my therapist would say, self harming with food. I call it stuffing the emotions down. It feels safer to me. But I have a pain in my chest, it is so tight......I am I don't know what I am!

OE....the thing at uni happened 2 days before my therapist told me. And I guess he left telling me until Friday so I'd have the weekend. I just had to do an event today, and it was exhausting 'faking it' all day bloody long. Tomorrow I have to finish writing a final assessment for uni, then I have to work from 3-11.30pm, then back to 3 full days at uni...........

I need a break.....before I completely break.

I am trying to not run away. I am trying to do all the things I know how to do to manage. It is just so hard, and I feel so alone and wish I had someone who could support and comfort me in real life.

Thinking of you today x

I'm in a spiral myself so I doubt i'll be much help~ just wanted to acknowledge the read and thoughts. I thought "damn~ I'm jealous." Not really but there is no way in hell I could have gone to college when I was a single parent and therapy would have destroyed me. You have got to be tired of being strong.

Mourning sucks. Hopefully processing the pain of loss with your therapist will allow you to continue your path to healing but I wouldn't be grateful either. I wish you the best and hope you find some down time to forget your troubles and relax ~ if only for a moment.

I am relieved to know that your therapist did tell you thinking about you being able to have the weekend to work through it.

When you find that you are struggling but you have a full day at the same time, try not to tell yourself you are faking it, instead try to tell yourself you are managing it while you have to function even though you are struggling so much. If you tell yourself that you are supposed to "not feel", that can be much harder on you. Instead it is better to admit that you are struggling emotionally and yet you are still working on "doing your life" and surviving and doing the best you can.

You had a bad cycle Jane, and anyone that struggles with PTSD, can sympathize with just how difficult these cycles can be. And everyone that struggles can also know how very much the desire to find some way to get a release takes place too. Honestly, driving to the liquor store like you did is "reasonable" and it only means that the cycle you were experiencing was so challenging that it was overwhelming you. You did really well you know, you sat there and worked through it instead of "acting", that's a big deal.

So you went home and ended up binging on food to gain a sense of comfort. Well, it was not the binging that helped as much as how the binging distracted you enough so that you reduce the build up of cortizone and adreneline that is part of "why" the cycle is difficult and "why" you have so much pain in your chest too.

I don't want to minimize that challenge at all because I have it too and I know how awful it is. Actually, I have been struggling a great deal lately myself and there has not been one thing you have talked about that I can't sympathize with. I am actually having a terrible morning and I woke up feeling awful, and to be honest, as it draws closer to the scheduled Mediation dealing with my case, I have been having a lot of very disabling cycles. I find myself wanting to talk to my therapist pretty much every day, but I can't, I cant' afford it, which in itself is a trigger because I can't afford it because of the debt my neighbor left me with, it's always "there" somehow oppressing or obstructing my ability to get a true time out both financially and mentally.

I know how you feel about having to talk to strangers about experiences that you don't want to talk about, don't want to talk about because it's so painful.
That is what I have to do at that Mediation, but the people I am going to deal with don't have the slightest idea how much I am genuinely struggling, nor do they even "care" either. I want to have my therapist there with me so badly, but, I can't afford it, he would have to set that entire day aside to be with me, there is no way I can come up with the kind of money that would cover all the loss of business he would have to cover by setting that entire day aside to help me. So, if I experience a trigger or disassociate, or experience a flashback, I won't have anyone there to help me.

Well, I am having a lot of very bad days. I have PTSD, I struggle, and while I don't like it, I do remind myself that I must remember to make sure to be kind to myself. Yeah, I sure would like to have a few drinks or anything so I could get a break from having all these bad days. I am doing the best I can to get through each day, and it's been quite the challenge. One thing I am grateful for is that at least I can come here and vent where others can relate.
Or, offer my support when others struggle because that helps too. It keeps me "humble" and to remind myself not to be hard on myself.

You are trying (((Jane))), one day at a time and IMHO, you had some really challenging days, but I think you did damn well at working through them, even though it doesn't feel like it.



OE

Thank you OE

I had a meeting today with my lecturers at uni, had to explain what is happening for me as I left class last week. It was so hard making myself that vulnerable, fearing that they would tell me I should leave the programme, or that it negatively impact my chances of being given a good practicum placement later in the year........arrgghhhhh.

I got through it, and now am exhausted! And eating.......I just do not want to go further backwards. I don't want to feel the need to revert to bulimia to stop the effects of over eating/bingeing.......I guess I should congratulate myself on not drinking at least.

It really is a struggle getting through this alone.

It was very brave of you to do that Jane and I can totally understand the fears you have about how they may respond too.

You know what Jane, all along I have wanted to talk about not only that I developed PTSD as a result of the damage my neighbor's negligence caused to me, that it has affected my ability to run my business and even function in caring for my horses and ponies on my farm. But, that my neighbor continuing to be intrusive also made the PTSD worse. In my situation, I have been advised to not discuss that and that the opposing side can use that "against me" and probably will.

Jane, my case has been ongoing for going on 8 years now. The truth is that because of that I have not been able to put this experience that I witnessed and had to address all the damage behind me, it has kept this trauma "in the now" for me. I have a Mediation coming up in a couple of weeks and I don't even know if my neighbor will be present, I don't know how well I am going to do either, I am afraid I won't do well and be triggered, may have a flashback, may cry too much, may express too much anger and if my creepy neighbor "is" sitting across from me at a table, it could get real bad even if I want with all my heart to be strong and clear headed.

With all my heart, all that I am, I want to tell my entire story, including the fact that I not only developed PTSD, but that now because of how the years of not having any closure and keeping it in the "now", I have chronic debilitating PTSD.

I want my therapist to be there so badly, to attest to the fact that he has been trying to help me for four years now and it is obvious to him that not only do I suffer from PTSD, but that because of how long I have had to go without any resolve that he can see that I am "chronic" too. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish "EVERY night". But, I cannot afford to pay him to be "there for me".

Sending you warm thoughts and comfort. I wish you could feel better.

I know the fear of not wanting to go backwards. You have been trying very hard ((Jane)),
just keep taking it one day at a time, you are gaining in your understanding of how you struggle, learning better ways to manage it, and you are in a much different place then you were when you did not understand it. You "do" deserve support in your effort to keep trying and gaining. The healing does take time and unfortunately is up and down too, good days and what seems like a lot of bad days. Keep being patient with yourself, keep coming and venting as needed too.

((Caring Supportive Hugs))
OE

Thanks OE

I can only imagine how difficult things are fro you leading up to your mediation. I wish something magic would happen and you were able to afford to have your therapist there for you on the day.......and also that your horrible neighbour was made to own up and pay for all of the devastation that he has wrecked on you and your livelihood. I am quietly furious on your behalf , and about the complete injustice of it all. Huge kind and warm to you.

Life throws stuff at us, and in my case I managed and managed and coped until I broke. And I do feel largely broken, and desperately sad about that. But I also recognise that I am making small improvements along the way.

I am desperately sad right now, feel completely overwhelmed looking at all the names I need to choose from to try to find a new therapist....let alone having to deal with the end, the final goodbye, the loss of my current therapist. I am so scared of the pain I begin to feel and shove away.

I had a difficult experience at uni today.....I was in a lecture about diversity, and reducing marginalisation for those diverse members of society.... and the lecturer spoke about "people in psychotherapy" and cracked a joke at the expense of that population (me!) implying that you had to have a really serious and 'bad' problem if you were in therapy. It was a HUGE trigger to me, on so many levels...and I had to manage becoming instantly tearful, and then angry!!

I was so angry! I had to keep my head down. I don't know what he said for a while...then he called my name and expected a response....and I did not want to look at him for fear he would see the anger in my expression!!!!!! So instead, it came across as disrespectful and rude on my part!!!! GAH!!! I was so upset.

SO.....

I decided later in the day (it was a day long lecture/workshop) to talk to him about it.I did not want him to have the wrong impression.....and I also wanted him to understand that his behaviour was itself doing the very thing that he was trying to teach us NOT to do. He made assumptions, his actions marginalised me and all people undergoing therapy, and he PISSED ME OFF!!!

I will never allow someone to treat me that way again......... well, for today at least I stood up for myself. It is new. It felt good. It was bloody scary. I survived. Now I am exhausted.

I just can not tolerate injustice, marginalisation and oppression in any form....probably why I am studying what I am. It seems though......that I am finally beginning to stand up for myself, instead of only doing it for other people.........

Oh ((Jane)), I can totally understand how triggering that must have been for you. I can even relate to how you reacted. Wow, that is such a big challenge. I am so glad to hear that you chose to speak to him afterwards and stand up for how you felt and how wrong it was of him to make fun of those who depend or need psychotherapy. I can even understand that while you did that, you are completely exhausted from it. That is exactly what happens to me too.

In a way Jane, that is the what I have faced from professionals, especially lawyers for going on 8 years now. I have been through way too much, and disrespected in so many ways now that I find myself very overwhelmed. What I want to do with all my heart is sit with these lawyers and tell them exactly how bad it has been for me. With all my heart I want them to know that when a person is telling the truth, really did witness and suffer like I did, it is inhumane to keep that person in suspension for so many years as has been the case with me.

I understand that "yes" some people lie and abuse situations for personal gain, making them wait for years on purpose can wear them down too. However, when someone is actually telling the truth, making them wait on purpose to wear them down is inhumane and can do a great deal of damage to their brain, I know this so well because I have lived it. I have lived through the negative comments that belittle my challenge too.
My own new lawyer says, "Oh, don't be angry, think happy thoughts", she is only telling me how very much she has no clue about how I genuinely struggle.

I know what it's like to look at names and feel so lost, that is what I had to do before I finally found the T I have that has helped me so much. I have sure had my fair share of bad T's, clueless T's so I definitely understand how you feel. I really had to push myself to meet with the list, be disappointed until I came across the T that was the right match.
Does the T you have now have the ability to look at the list and see what names might be the best match for you? Can he help you with that at all Jane? That is what I would want to work on with the time I had left with him.

I am very impressed with how you stood up for yourself, I know that took a lot of courage, the kind that so many don't understand too. Allow yourself to appreciate that and also get some rest, that really is mentally and physically exhausting. It definitely "is" a lot of work to move forward, yes, I definitely hear you on that one. You did well.

Thank you for sharing that, it is inspiring Jane.

(((Supportive Respectful Hugs)))
OE

I'm so sorry, i would have been truly pissed off too.