[childofchaos831]

I saw *him*!!!

Abusive ex from when I was 17... pretty much every type of abuse imaginable, he did. Only escaped because he got bored. He then stalked me for years after. I had started to think that he had moved, or at least was on another side of town (I live in a large city)...

He is a manager at a restuarant maybe 2 miles from my home! I went thru the drive thru, and there was an issue... he came to the window to help... he didn't seem to acknowledge that we knew each other at all. I managed to stay calm til after I pulled away... omfg! I am freaking out!

I want to run! I need to run! I can't do this... I am newly sober, and every cell in my body is screaming at me to use, or self injure, or something... I am terrified... none of my irl friends are available... I don't know what to do... my 12 step club doesn't open for another hour... I am freaking out...

[Open Eyes]

((childofchaos)), I am sorry you were triggered so badly. Hold on ok? You can do this until you get together with others in your 12 step. You have urges but you don't have to act on them, it's actually good if you find out that you can manage without acting on urges. When you learn to work through these challenges you will actually gain on your ability to manage these urges better. It's ok to acknowledge them, but, you also need to find out that you can acknowledge and not act, that in itself can be empowering. Also, good for you for being able to talk about what happened, that is a step forward all in itself.

[Erebos]

I am so in awe of you being able to talk about what your going through. Having the strength to own it. Its inspiring so Thankyou for taking the time to write and share.
All the best.

[childofchaos831]

Since then, I have had moments of being able to form words and then moments of complete terror where I can't do anything except try to not scream... I am struggling so much right now... I snapped at some telemarketer that called... the number had called 3 times today, and he was just at the wrong time... a friend who heard tried to scold and lecture that he was just doing his job, and I just yelled at her "I just saw the f-er that r***d me... I am not having a good day"... she responded well to that, considering the complete jump from topic to topic... but my brain is not being entirely reliable right now.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, this is good because you are talking through your reactions. What that means is your conscious mind is recognizing your reaction to this clearly big trigger. Forget about snapping at the telemarkerter, but, that is yet another thing you did "express anger" that again is your conscious mind becoming aware of.

A trigger can cause someone with PTSD to react "before" they consciously make that choice. By noticing your RE-act to a trigger and verbalizing it, now your conscious mind has acknowledged the RE-act itself. That is the beginning of recognizing what you eventually will be taking the next step towards controlling.

Ok, yes you saw this person unexpectedly, major trigger I hear you. You drove away until you could react to what just happened. Ofcourse you also remembered instantly how this individual caused harm to you in your past. You talked about that too, good again. I understand that it makes old wounds feel "fresh" and in the now, but, you are not being hurt "now", you are only remembering and probably feel the age you were.

Please understand that part of this is what we are meant to do because we need to make sure we avoid danger, significant for our survival. If PTSD is part of the challenge, it's harder because these memories are more intense, but in time you can learn how to reduce these affects even though right now it doesn't feel that way. Try very hard not to feed into these symptoms and tell yourself to be upset ok? Acknowledging is important to healing and controlling, but do your best not to retraumatize by thinking what happened in your past is in the now ok? A trigger is a huge question, "is this happening right now?", your answer is, "I remember what happened, but it's not happening right now". That actually helps to reduce that power of the trigger and that is always a gain.

[childofchaos831]

Was able to say it out loud to lady at AA... now fighting tears... I never cry, especially in front of people. I am in a meeting. I really want to run. Get booze, and run and hide forever. I don't think I can do this.

[Open Eyes]

GOOD you said it outloud to a lady at AA, you waited it out and reached out instead of running to the alcohol to hide from feeling. Believe it or not the lady that listened to you at AA also ran to alcohol to escape her emotional challenges, so she understands where you are right now. You say, "I don't cry", well one of the things that happens at AA is that often in the beginning new members cry. And one thing that is so good about AA is that others do know where you are and they are supportive and caring. You will find that others have been through "bad" relationships or were victims like you have been. They found relief in the alcohol but that ended up making their lives unmanagable. So others will understand and will help you find your way towards working through things instead of running away.

Also, your fear of "I can't do this" is something these others have had to work through themselves and they slowly began to learn "how" and grow and gain and they do this in groups which is nice and they also do this anonymously because they understand the most important part of "learning and gaining" is support and working through things one day at a time. These individuals understand more than you realize right now, they are there to help when you need support instead of running to the alcohol. It's ok to sit and feel.

[childofchaos831]

so, i managed to allow physical contact with a couple of people this morning after the AA meeting... just simple hugs. its easier with them cuz i know, at least logically, that they are "safe" people, even though my brain is still in major aversion mode.

all i want right now is to hide in my room and curl up under the covers and avoid the world forever... people are overwhelming.

instead, i am sitting at a coffee shop with my laptop. technically isolating. not with anyone. just sitting on the patio, with a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. its the whole alone while surrounded by people thing, but its about all i can handle right now.

i am still sober, but i self injured yesterday, and had to go acquire medical treatment... i had gone to a potluck at the 12 step club for thanksgiving, managed to stay for a few hours, but there were a lot of people, kind of too many for me, and i ended up leaving without really saying bye to anyone.

it's still really hard to talk about what is going on inside for me. i know i should call my pdoc or T but its scary... i don't wanna go IP, i never wanna go IP honestly, but i'm scared that they would make me...

i still feel like i can't do this... its too much... im just going thru the motions, while in my head, the su thoughts are floating around and almost seem like they are getting stronger... i was feeling su before all this and its only gotten worse now...

[Open Eyes]

Yes, there can be a lot of people at an AA meeting on a holiday as that is typically the hardest time for many who are challenged and are trying to "not" escape through alcohol.
The take away from that is to see you are not alone with the struggle.

I am sorry childofchaos, it sounds like you are experiencing a cycle from being triggered, I know what that is like as I can struggle with them myself. This is when you need to be extra patient with yourself and find things that help you self sooth that don't include alcohol and self harming. I know that is a challenge but I am very impressed with how well you have done in spite of being so badly triggered. It's important that you are validated for the "positive" things you accomplished in spite of this significant trigger, the control you "did" manage to have is progress.

I do know the desire to go back to bed and curl up, experience it myself. But you did not do that, you were strong and did well and you can make gains on that.

((Hugs))

OE

[childofchaos831]

I saw my old sponsor this evening... she had been my sponsor for years, and knows practically everything about me... I mentioned the trigger, seeing him, and her response, "that was Wednesday, this is saturday..." in my head, I believe the words "get over it" actually came out of her mouth, I believe I heard them. But I am also doubting that I heard them, that she actually said those words. Regardless of if she said it or not, that is how it sounded to me... I'm sitting here, like, WTF? This woman knows what this guy did. She knows how scared I was of him. She knows how I have periods of not being mentally stable. I cannot believe that she would even say anything that would remotely give that impression... but she did. It's like the ultimate betrayal. I spent years telling this woman you life, and that is the response? She just made things worse, tbh. I never thought I would say that about her, ever. But she did.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Find a new sponsor, childofchaos. What a jerk

[childofchaos831]

She hasn't been my sponsor for at least a year and a half. I "fired" her because her schedule was so erratic and she didn't have that much time available to meet.

Just, what she said threw me for an effing loop...

[Open Eyes]

Oh childofchaos, I am sorry an old sponser triggered you that way. I guess this individual doesn't understand PTSD and how to respond to someone who has been badly triggered. Just because someone is in the program and offers to be a sponser doesn't mean they have the skills to understand trauma/ptsd and most definitely "DO NOT" say anything that can be "just get over it, just deal, don't allow, put your big girl panties on and just".

[childofchaos831]

i've been a little absent from here... after seeing him on the day before thanksgiving, i was pretty wound up for a whole a week. i hadn't slept well at all tuesday night, and was coming home to nap after my iop... he was parked on my street, one house down... i saw him, he saw me, and i kept driving... i couldn't go home. i just couldn't...

i ended up going to the library, and walking around downtown for a while and then sat near the river and read for a little bit... problem is, that area is prevalent in my su plan, if/when i decide to do it. the thoughts/feelings are definitely there, and being downtown felt a little nice, but scary at the same time, but i do not have the intent at the moment.

i have seen him a couple times since then, but he hasn't gotten out of his car at all... while i am scared, it's almost like i have gone right back into survival mode autopilot... i don't know if that makes sense... he has done this before. i made it thru then, so why not now... i don't know...

This is horrifying! I am so very sorry. Especially since he stalked you. Can you take video of him waiting outside and get a restraining order or something? I really hope he doesn't contact you. Tell as many people as you can trust about what is going on and how close he is getting to you. (((Hugs)))

[childofchaos831]

that's part of what is scary to me... i don't feel like involving the police is a feasible option... before, when this happened, there were threats... when he learned that i was talking about it in T is when he started getting closer and braver and more brazen...

i dunno, i kinda feel like its something i just need to wait out... he gets bored, as bad as that sounds. the relationship, when it all started, he called it off, because he got bored... he dumped me for another girl. he had me fully trained, by that point, and it wasn't fun for him anymore. and then after some time, he then started the stalking, because it was new and my reactions and fear made it fun again. idk...

i kinda feel like just ignoring him is the right call, at least right now. if he tries something, something worse or more dangerous, i will definitely rethink this plan, and i will definitely come here, and get opinions...

also, i think i am thinking a little clearer than i was because i have now had two good nights of sleep in a row. and i spent most of the day cleaning. all on one room (my bedroom, it was really bad)... gonna finish eating and then shower and go to bed probably...

also, i finally got a sponsor. there's this guy that i had been considering asking for a while, but he had been out of the country for a while... i am planning on going to a meeting in the morning and then we are gonna sit and chat for a bit... also, for the major AA nazis, i relate better and am more comfortable around "mama bear" type gay men, which would definitely describe my sponsor. i think this is because of the relationship this thread is about, and also that my mother is emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive (she is diagnostically a narcissist). hence, "mama bear" gay men.

Tell your friends, family and sponsor about this guy at the very least. If this stalker is a sociopath, he will torment you for years and get a real kick out of it. Just be careful. (((Hugs)))

[Open Eyes]

(((childofchaos))),

This individual only cares about the "hunt", as he is a predator type individual. He likes the chase and gets bored once he has captured what he set out to get. Most predators look for a certain kind of prey, when that prey runs, they take that as a signal to chase.

When you get triggered by remembering what he did that challenged you, it's important that you learn how "not" to feed into the experience and increase the power of the trauma that is there in your memory. Instead, acknowledge the trauma, but also make it a point to recognize the patterns you now know that he tends to use. Just because you got caught by him, doesn't mean you can't change that by understanding his pattern and learning to not play his game. Most predators like it when their victim runs, that is often what most predators react to.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((childofchaos))),

This individual only cares about the "hunt", as he is a predator type individual. He likes the chase and gets bored once he has captured what he set out to get. Most predators look for a certain kind of prey, when that prey runs, they take that as a signal to chase.

When you get triggered by remembering what he did that challenged you, it's important that you learn how "not" to feed into the experience and increase the power of the trauma that is there in your memory. Instead, acknowledge the trauma, but also make it a point to recognize the patterns you now know that he tends to use. Just because you got caught by him, doesn't mean you can't change that by understanding his pattern and learning to not play his game. Most predators like it when their victim runs, that is often what most predators react to.

i think that is exactly what i know inside, even tho i couldn't come up with the words... i don't want to give him the reaction. i don't want to let him see me squirm. if i just keep living like he is nonexistent, then he will get bored again.