What Is Real?

It isn't bullsh*t. It isn't fake. It isn't just some dream or a nightmare that will leave eventually. It isn't this little hiccup that you can fix with a glass of water. Magical pills don't exist to take away what happened. They don't ****ing exist.

Relief isn't real.

What is real?

These voices in my head, they might be. The people who want to get into my house, they might be. The cars that follow me, they might be. The man at my door, he might be.

What is real?

The feeling of bark against my face is. The dirt in my mouth, drying my throat is. The pain in my back is. The sun burning my eyes is. Being unable to move is. Trying to breathe but keep choking on air is. My arm feeling like it's broken is.

The blood is.

I can't do this anymore.

Without trying to be patronising, clearly you're having a rough time in the grey matter.. Nothing I can say here will make it better, and I very much doubt anything I say will take any of the pain, memories and hate away from you.

It is true that there is no external thing that will suddenly fix us, to suddenly make it all better, to make us happy to see the sun rise for another day. I can't provide a word for it, but the feeling that makes your mouth run dry, your stomach tighten into a knot, your body shuts down, the panic rises exponentially in an unstoppable wave that consumes your entire being and takes over.
There are however, and maybe impossible to see, ways of owning your fear, your memories. I make an important distinction between owning, and eradicating.

Now, I don't know what is going through your head, I cannot imagine and do not pretend to do so. You are however, not alone.

Relief in the conventional sense may not be something you feel like you can achieve, and I would be mad to assume otherwise. You know yourself better then any of us on here.
I do however think that It is something you can aim for, depending on how you turn your perspective towards it. Aiming for "relief" in the same way that you get "relief" from a physical symptom is simply not going to work, and and such in the same tone, don't aim for a completely "painless" mind, as the chances are, it'll take a very long time to get there.

Maybe try aiming for control, rather than relief first ? When you can control, you can steer towards relief.

It would appear from what you've written, there are some very specific and ingrained memories or thoughts that have come back. Is it anything you want to expand on at all ?

We are here, we care.

(((So leigheas))), when you say this make sure in your mind you keep saying "today" it's hard today when you have these lows. Then do a lot of self care, and self love until it passes. I know it can be hard, and requires some "patience", sometimes a lot of patience. But, you deserve it, you are genuinely hurting, it's a hurt a lot of others don't understand, but it's real and you definitely deserve patience, validation, support, and especially lots of self care.

ACQPL,

I don't think I'm in a place where I can expand. I see what you're saying, though.

Open Eyes,

I'll try.

Deep breath. We are here with all of you. It's going to be okay, we are not leaving you and we want you to stay with us. There's so much to talk about, so many things to see and do once we feel better. Can we do that?

I have a friend staying with me while my fiance's at work. Just in case things aren't so fine.

I'm glad , that was a good move, very proud of you. Try to get some rest, eat some protein and drink lots of water. Thinking of you.

How are you doing? I hope my last post made some sort of sense!

It did and it helped.

I got a few hours of sleep, granted when I'm awake my anxiety and everything else returns full force, at least I slept. To be honest, I'm really beginning to feel like I'm some sort of child who can't be left alone. That and... I feel like I'm also just a waist of air and space. Not sure if it was intentional but something someone said last night really brought on the feeling of being worthless. Words have never really bugged me before. The only time they do is when their words seem to be taken right out of my current thought process. And there it was. Making me realize I'm not the only one thinking it and therefore it's not just 'in my head' that I'm useless. I do nothing. I'm crippled by my mind and have since become only an expensive burden.

Just woke up an hour ago and I already wish I could fall back asleep. Sure, sleep is dangerous because of the nightmares/memories, but at least I'm not conscious in a world that doesn't make sense.

They don't understand. No one understands. How could they if they haven't gone through it? I can't blame them for not understanding.

Fact remains: They don't.

I have people. I have people in my life who love me and I love them. I have people.

And I'm still alone.


I don't want to live anymore, guys.

I understand. As discussed in another post a few days ago, we have similar experiences from our childhoods. We are both crippled by them. I might not have been impacted as much as you have been, but your experiences were worse than mine.

Do you have someone with you now?

I have my fiance.

reb, we had it very similar, neither was worse than the other. They were both traumatic and both screwed up to hell. My experiences weren't worse or better, just a bit different. I say this because I believe that to say one has had it worse than another is to invalidate what that person has gone through. It's just how I think. So, we can call our situations slightly different, but equal.

Ok. Different but equal is fine. I'm glad that someone is with you. I feel a connection to you because our experiences are so similar. Hugs out to you!

I am so sorry for how you are feeling. It's like you are reading my mind with so many of the thoughts and observations you've conveyed. I read these boards a little compulsively, searching for others who understand and are "one of my kind"

Doctors can't cure us, the wrong doctors can make us much worse as I've experienced. Love can help.....learning to love ourselves, loving others and letting others love us might be the only real medicine. (((Hugs)))

Unfortunately it will always be a lonely place, that space in our mind occupied by the thoughts and feelings that stem from our experience. Made worse by the fact that there is no way to articulate exactly how we feel so that someone else can fully understand.

I know it is a lonely scary place. I know that no matter how much someone says they care, it's like it bounces off without lodging in.

But. That space that is isolated from the outside world, is also yours. It is under your control, even if you can't find the reigns at the moment.

We care about you

You are right that unless they have walked in your shoes that no one will understand your pain. So focusing on the fact that they don't understand us is kind of self defeating thought process. Now, they can try to understand, listen without judgement and support us, that they can do. But are they that type of people? Are the capable of doing that? Some are not, just not in their make up. Being alone is a lot our choice, ya know. It's a defense to keep people at a distance so they can't hurt us as badly. Though as you have seen they can still hurt , even from a distance. So what would be a solution? Keeping them out of your life completely? Have them come to a counseling session with you, maybe have a group talk? Just my opinion but I think the people that hurt us are the ones we care about most. taking them out of our lives is not what I would want to do. Let's brain storm here....what are the options?
Are you on depression medications? Do you have a safety plan? I posted something on here about a safety plan and from what I understand if you google it there's lots of different ones to go by. Have the number for the crisis line close by? You know we have a bond with you and we are always here for you, always.

As much as I try to get past it, I really do feel alone. You know, if my guys were behind me and we went through the **** together; what I went through, they understand through and through because they were standing with me. Granted, I'm glad no one had to suffer with me in this one situation and several others, as they're their own types of hell. With the people in my life, I have some real good ones and I love them and they do try. Truth is, they can't help -- they do in their own different ways with different things -- but they try. How can they help if I don't even know how they're supposed to?
No antidepressants here and will never touch them again after my experiences. I'm dealing with my safety plan currently and I keep a hotline saved in my phone. I'm not a fan of either but I'm dealing with them. I'll be surprised if it works enough to get me through the next week.
I'm a little pessimistic right now, if I'm being honest. I've had a really hard day and it's not even close to over. Some people don't know where my head's at and that's not their fault but I've overextended myself today for the people I love. I'm worn down even more than when I first created this thread. Nothing I do seems to be enough and yet, it's all I have.

Sounds like you need to talk to these people you love and let them in on what's bothering you. You said it yourself they don't know how you are feeling or how to help. This is where your T should be able to help you. I'm thinking maybe going in patient might be a wise option for you. What do you think? It's really getting to be too much for you to handle and you need to get to a better place before talking with your loved ones. I still think that would be better communicated if a T could facilitate the meeting. Please go to the local emergency room and sign in . You could get some rest there and collect yourself.

I can't go inpatient today. My mom needs me out here and so does my friend. Hell, I'm trying to get my friend to go inpatient. They're both breaking down and they need me. I can't go.

I can't let anybody in, either. I can't let them know.

No one else that can help you with your mom? How about your friend? When are you going to take care of you or let someone help with that?
If they know you and love you, you will not have to tell them something is up, they know, but they may not know how to help you or what to say. Ya know?

I agree with Tracie that you do need to spend some time on you. You are obviously very caring and want to be there for other people. You can do that better if you take care of you too.

Another bit of advice that I need to take also.

Being a caretaker is exhausting work, on many levels. I read some where that the care taker will usually give out before the patient. Even more reason to spend some time to repair thy self in however that works for you. But being a caretaker seems to be a lot of our make up and probably why we are such great targets for the disappointment and self doubt. I also read in book where "To be loved, you must know love" "To be happy, you must know happiness" it applies to all kinds of things such as respect and care.