[itsjustme111]

When I was a kid and things were "not so good" in our home, I would hide away in my closet and pretend I was in my own creation of the world I wanted to be in.

I did this again......at 29yrs old. Is that not sick?? I wanted to stay in the closet so nobody could find me. I sat in there, in the dark, rocking back and forth. Trying to create a world in my mind...somewhere with some peace and sanity. All I could do is cry and rock and cry and rock. Replay in my mind all of the violence, the abuse, the fear, the wanting for an ending. Over and over again the thoughts raced. From this to that to another. And me again or this thing inside just confirming to go get that razor...... get rid of this pain.

Is this PTSD?? Is this normal for a 29 year old to go and hide in a damn closet?? It was so safe when I was young. I could hide from my fears.....my dad....the alcohol...everything that haunts me today. But now its not the same. Just darkness and sadness........and of course......memories.

Justy

[allautumn]

Define normal, lol.
Retreateing to a safe place is a natural thing to do, when you feel overwhelmed. You see it with different eyes now, and don't find it as you remembered. You had a child's abilty to go to your other world and find everything as you wanted it. It feels different now because you are not the child hiding anymore, you are the adult seeking comfort, and not finding another way. It's ok to revert sometimes. When I'm stressed, I put on my pyjamas, curl up with a blanket and watch movies from my childhood, trying to escape into them. I'll sit close to the tv and giggle with a bowl of cereal. The child inside still needs that.
Replaying childhood traumas comes up often in a state of depression. Everything is amplified, intensified, it is misery. We wonder why it's happening, have we not grown out of this by now? There is no need to feel ashamed. I don't think we ever grow out of that pain, the feeling that we were cheated, that we can never get some things back. The pain is yours, and requires attention.
I'm glad you came here and stayed away from hurting your self. The child inside doesn't need more pain, it needs love.
Sometimes I visualize going back as I am now, walking into my parent's house in 1986, picking my six year old self up and holding her. I tell little me that she is loved, that some day things will be better, and she will be strong. I let her cry. Then I walk out and return here, and let her grow up knowing those things. It all comes back into me, leaves me feeling validated. It might help you to take your strength, go back and give it to little Justy.
The adult Justy needs that too. I offer you comfort from here. I send you hugs and warm thoughts. I hope you have someone there to talk to one on one about these things too, I don't know if you've got counselor or anything at this point.
I hope you are feeling better soon.

[itsjustme111]

I do have a t. He is going on holidays right away.

I am an adult but yet feel like a child. I feel so fragile, like the little things will break me.

Thanks for sharing this with us. Made me feel better about sitting in a closet; lolol. Wish I could act like an adult though. This kid has taken over. Am I immature?? Do I just need to grow up?

allautumn--I love your (what u call it). U know the bottom part. Never tell a friend what they want to hear-tell them the truth. I love this sooo much-how true.

Thanks allautumn. This helped a great deal.

Justy

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((( justy ))))))))))))))))))))) are you doing some better now? i sure hope so.

yes, when under extreme duress, it's "normal" to do what we know makes us feel better. in this event, something triggered those childlike feelings and as a result, you did what that child did to feel better. IMHO. i'm sorry it didn't work now for you, as an adult.

btw, i don't believe in normal, only average i don't think what you did was so way out there that it wouldn't be considered average under the circumstance. i'm so sorry for the pain that you were going through and hope it passes for you soon.

be safe,

kimmydawn

[obsids]

*hugs*

If it is not normal, then you can add me to the list of abnormal people. When I trigger, that's exactly what I do... hide somewhere like I did when I was a kid. Sometimes, I am under my desk, or lately, I have been curled up next to my tropical fish aquarium. And I am 30. It is a coping method, I think. I am just glad that I haven't regressed back to my days of SI.

Just know that you are not the only one.

[silver_queen]

Hiding under the desk... I did that the other day too. And I feel like doing it now too... ... Just want to hide, and run away from...what? Nothing specific, but things that are there. I want to drink, as well. To just pretend everything is normal, to pretend everything is ok.

Sorry for taking over your thread, Justy.

[(JD)]

What is normal? For whom? For those with PTSD, this is the "norm."
I was secondarily traumatized by Hurricane Andrew, and each major storm that comes through. (I was injured initially in a thunderstorm) and both my dog and I get into the closet for any big storm. He's 12 and I'm 52. During spring storm season, pillows, a flashlight, a battery radio, etc. are all there ahead of time. The wireless phone (and now computer too) will go with us. We leave the light on (have flashlight in case power goes) and turn the radio up loud to drown out the thunder if we can. The lights are so we don't "see" the lightening. During hurricane season the accordian shutters stay closed on the room and help much, but it's still the closet for a storm.

No, not normal response for the average person without PTSD.

Now that you know (what you already knew) how can we help you?

in a series of oddly timed events..........this post and then today's mail.

this card from ma: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Just remember, nobody is normal. Everybody is weird. --Melissa Chen, age 11

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
inside ma wrote in bold caps: IT'S TRUE!!

Normal isn't the answer. What works for you is. What has worked for me over the years is to hide in many a small space: under a desk, behind the davenport, tucked inbetween my bookshelf and my freestanding closet, under tons of blankets with blinds drawn, you get the idea.........

You're facing things as best as you are able to Justy. Scary memories can be just as terrifying as when they were real.

[itsjustme111]

I guess the problem I do have with this is that I don't fully understand PTSD. It has been brought up several times with my doctors, counselors etc, but never really fully discussed.

When I did this, I had a fear that I would not ever want to come out again. Normal was the wrong choice of words and I am surprised at myself for using that term. I hate that word. It should not exsist.

I tend to be one of those who need someone to sit with me and explain what "labels" mean. What does all of this mean when they make an diagnosis but yet can't sit and tell u what it means. I find it sooo frustrating. I have so many "why's" and I suppose with the right kind of counseling some of this can be answered. I am praying that this new t can shed some light on why I act the way I do and why my behavior in my eyes seems so bazarre. But reading everything that has been replied with this post, its not so strange is it?

This really helped me see more of the unanswered questions I do have and has brought some clarity to it. I giggled Sky when u say, "Now that you know (what you already knew) how can we help you? I really don't understand all of this but slowly seeing more and more by what others go through that there are reasons for my "regression". And how can you help me; you already do my dear. Just being here helps but most of all sharing your experiences helps me realize that I am sure the heck not alone. I am one who needs clarity in all aspects of life. If something does not make sense, I drive myself crazy trying to figure it out. This is one of them. I do like to post here first before telling my t. I think fear of what they may say is what holds me back.

Thanks all. Oh and Silver, you did not take over my thread. This is what its for, sharing and learning. So talk away dear, I love to hear what u have to say.

Justy

[(JD)]

OK! Try to think of "norm" as a statistical term! LOL

There are two books I will recommend, for you. (LOL I had to dig out my hurricane battery/lantern to go into the room, into the built in bookcases in the "closet" to find them for you&gt

The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook. A guide to healing, recovery,and growth. by Glenn R Schiraldi, Ph.D. Published by Lowell House. (Just over 1" thick, 6"x7" book.)

Getting Through the Day. Strategies for adults hurt as children. by Nancy J. Napier. Published by W.W. Norton and Company.

One is a more technical manual, but very usable for anyone connected to PTSD. (But trust me, even if you were able to memorize the whole book, you still would have things you don't know about PTSD.)

The other is more of a daily guide... read any part of book that interests you, apply it... etc. It has short topics, and activities. (It also has an addendum to each area, special for multiples.)

Thank you for your compliments. They come at a "good" time.

[itsjustme111]

((((Sky)))), thanks so much!! I am laughing cause I was planning to go to the library today before my appointment with my t but just couldn't do it. My head is going to explode. I did get through my appointment with my t but I kind of lost it. I was fine filling out some paper work for the government then she asked me what is going on. I was like a zombie and talked in such a tone that it seemed like an effort to even open my mouth. I told her exactally how I feel right now. She is phoning my new t this afternoon as she thinks I need to see him right away. She is also placing me in the women's shelter just for the night of the 31st to get through this day. (my due date). I told her if I sit home alone I will do something that I won't be able to take back. I told her these urges are so strong I am afraid that I will follow through with them. So this is good and I know the staff well at the shelter, just been a while since I have seen them.

I am going to try and go to the library this weekend as my new t recommended a book to help learn more about what my son is going through. So perfect timing and I thank you for this. I will let u know if they have these books. If not we have tons of book stores here. This is cool to give me these resources. Maybe I can understand this more and learn how to deal with things better.

Justy

[Myzen]

Hi Justy,

I want to take a shot at this, although I'm no expert, just a fellow traveller.

I believe that when we were children we desperately wanted things to be normal, so we did what we could to do to escape from the chaos and pretended to ourselves that it wasn't happening.

In later life, maybe once our tormentor has died, the deep subconscious wakes up and gives us some symptoms. Perhaps the bereavement breaks through our defences and the subconscious says, Hey! this wasn't normal, bad things happened, and they happened to you!

No one wants to be a victim, but I believe that we have to face up to the fact that we were victims, and feel the whole pain of it. Then, with luck, we can move from victim to survivor.

If we can go to that bad place, and be in it, then perhaps we won't have to go back into the closet again. The bad place wasn't the closet, it was what made us want to go in there in the first place. My bad place is the sound of my father's voice when he was going to start on me. To this day I hate bullies, particularly psychological bullies.

My closet was the bottom of the garden. If I ever feel that I need the bottom of the garden again I know that there's been a trigger, and I find it and face it. I've spent too much of my life hiding and I don't want to do it anymore.

When we share on this board we are not hiding, we are facing up to our fears, and I think we should be proud that we can do it.

Cheers, Myzen

PS - Sometimes it helps to look at old photos, and you can see the dynamic recorded on film. The evidence is there in the faces. At least it is with my family.

[itsjustme111]

Myzen, this sounds true and makes sense to me. I too have this hatred towards bullies, mostly the psychological ones.

I have spent too much time hiding and not facing the issues. I learned some things about myself lately, and today even more so as I got in to see my new t. As mad as he mad me, I think this was his goal. He said I am committing suicide even if I don't want to admit it. With the harm I do to myself daily, this deep down is my goal and he is right. That made me sooo mad. lolol. I hate it when people "peg" my behaviors and my feelings with what my intent really is.

I do feel better though. He made me start to think and gave me some ideas to stop or try to deal with the urges of harming myself. I told him about the closet "issue" and we figured out what triggered me.

And I agree that the ones in this forum are not hiding and we should be proud of that. I think when we share and post our experiences, thoughts, feelings, fears etc---we are healing in some way.

Thanks Myzen and cheers to u too; lol.

Justy

[wisewoman]

Myzen and Justy, this is good stuff. And, once I thought I was the only person in the world that did these kinds of things. HMMMM

[colors]

Ah a closet. No stress, no stimuli. Does not sound like a bad idea to me. I would think that if you could find peace there, it may be other places as well.

Is there anywhere else you can recreate these feelings? Like maybe a garden, a portion of a porch with a rocker, or
some other cozy spot? How about a candle lit room, maybe even the difference in lighting will help.

If not, how about creating a unique spot for yourself. With everything you like in it to make you feel secure and happy.
Maybe even little snacks to feel better.

I try to do this. I find it helps to place my favorite things around me.

Best Wishes,
Colors

[Malady156]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I too have this hatred towards bullies, mostly the psychological ones.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Amen and amen and amen ... me too ...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
He said I am committing suicide even if I don't want to admit it. With the harm I do to myself daily, this deep down is my goal and he is right. That made me sooo mad. lolol. I hate it when people "peg" my behaviors and my feelings with what my intent really is.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I've been acting out the same way but I'm aware of it -- so when I talk about it to my T or pdoc it gets blown off.

[Malady156]

I have a real live authentic bona fide room under the stairs. No kidding, for real! Just like in the "Harry Potter" movie. I have a tapestry runner in there, a small table, candles, floor pillows, unique lights, special notebooks, sacred special things to me, notes from my pilgrimage to Pasadena, etc. When things get really bad I go hide in there. It can be nice and dark, or I can have the light on and look at stuff, or burn candles/incense, chant & trance out, etc.

[(JD)]

hmm burn candles/incense, chant &amp; trance out, etc? doesn't sound safe to me.

[Malady156]

It is for someone like me, Sky.

[SweetCrusader]

Sounds great to me! I used to have a real liking for listening to the instrumental parts of "Lateralus" by Tool while burning incense in my room, in the dark. Have you ever listened to that album? The instrumentals are SOOO amazing for that.

[Junerain]

Wow this thread made me feel things deep down... I, too, retreat to my childhood on a daily basis..I go to the grocery store wher I went with Kimmy in 6th grade..even when it's out of the way...always eat at the same restaurant as I did with Charles in thrid grade and that's on the other side of town..I have the opposite..I have powerful, powerful good memories..also I grew up very rich and spoiled only to find myself poor now, and growing up like this no one prepared me that life was more complex or even that there could be problems..went to my high school reunion from our posh side of town and saw these little friends yet they had all grown quite successful and had not encountered the horror of mental illness..so I remember back to a time with no worries at all and also I was good at being young, had it down, and I have no talent at being older (thirty-one..) so my t keeps telling me I live in the past, obssessed with memories of my youth instead of facing what my life has become.. My parents keep reminding me of how starting in seventh grade it became apparent I wasn't going to be they typical town of Pittsford child, I was way too sensitive and unique. Sometimes I feel good about being unique yet over and over people call me "...weird.." and it hurts more and more. I keep telling my t shouldnt time go backwards after a while.. he says that makes no sense whatsoever..I feel for you, justforme, you have tried to take a youth and have regressed into it and I have too..perhaps if you had had an idlyllic youth you would have regressed too..it's like no matter what life gives mental illness takes over... now I'm crying I had better go..

[(JD)]

Sorry mal I just meant candles in such a small closet and low ceiling...

[itsjustme111]

I think it sounds like a great place Malady. And it works for you so thats the important part.

Angela, I love listening to music that takes me away with the beauty of the instrumental sounds. I just downloaded tons of classical, and it takes me to a safe place in my mind.

I had not allowed myself for such a long time to listen to this music (as odd as that may sound). Because it helped me feel and I was afraid of this. Sometimes this type of music moves me so deeply that although I may feel some peace, I also feel pain. It takes me back and makes me remember. Like triggers. But I also feel safe as I can put myself kind of out of the "harmful" fears and into a world that I create full of beauty and joy. So I experience different types of feelings all at once but with the help of this music I also feel in a safety net where I am allow to be in a "inbetween state". (does that make sense?).

In the end, usually I feel at peace with this music. It can get too powerful at times as I also enjoyed certain pieces growing up. Some of this I have to be careful as it can trigger a little too much at once. But I know which ones I am okay with and when I can listen to certain things.

I really hope this makes sense cause it does to me yet not sure if I am relating it well.

Justy