Finding a way forward.

I heard a line in a song today and it rang true to me - it was

" she could never leave the dark cos she could never see the light"

So how do you do that ? how can you find the light when you cant see it - I do all the things I have been taught, but the darkness and the sadness is still there inside... waiting ....I dont feel sad today - I dont feel anything.... I stand at the edge of the storm again and im tired of doing this - I found someone who could help me that i trusted then he got seriously ill - now through desperation I went and saw the work referred psyche again - and she cant see how desperate I am and I cant tell her because she said there were certain things she would HAVE to tell my on site work psychologist (he usually sees you first then you can get a referral to the work provided psyche) I should be grateful for this that I am being provided with help, and I am - but I am getting nowhere and I only have so much strength left

P7

I wish I knew how to see the light, phoenix! But I do know that when I have hope of seeing it someday, I can keep going. I know the numb kind of days you describe. The feelings ebb and flow, wax and wane--sometimes we have too much, other times not enough. But everything changes. Perhaps knowing that gives a glimmer of light?

Thanks Skeksi, I have stepped back into the storm, racing thoughts, sadness, what ifs and if only's - sad sad sad sad - weak and pathetic..... reliving moments I cant change - pointless - wanting to run and hide - but I cant hide from me - there is no escape from me - shoulds...I should be better by now - I shouldnt have let this affect me - I should know better than to say should! - I've been attacked before - why did this time affect me so - weak and pathetic and worthless and hopeless and sad. Maybe if I sleep tonight it will be ok - work tomorrow - have to put this back in its box for work - put all those feelings away....... till I get home..........must stop whinging I see people everyday who are worse off than me -physically broken - I help fix them but I am having trouble fixing me.

Thankyou for your answer - its good to know there is a voice in the darkness. I am just scared that's all -and im old enough to know better P7

I wish those people would realize the double-bind they put us in -- need help, but the requirements are too difficult -- and destructive.

((phoenix7))))))))))) i know it does not seem there is light...
but there always is...
close your eyes and imagine the sun so bright on the brightest day

If you can tell everything you can as alot of times that lets the light back in
your not weak......and you matter
muffy

I suppose we put them in a bad situation too - its just so hard for me to reach out for help anyway - (my past taught me that there would be no help coming or given or deserved to be given - its almost like you are taking up the air that someone better could be using )

You know you need help but you cant reach for it in case of the repercussions.....I guess thats why im here - I feel this is a "safe" place to talk P7

thankyou for listening P7

Hi P7. I am sorry I didnt get back to you sooner. My computer was brokn and I could only use my cell phone. I know what you are saying. I know how hard it is. Im here with you. Thanks so much for all the support you gave me

you are welcome Minime, we support eachother

I sent my work an email about the self harm thing - a general question - he said he would have to report it if someone spoke to him of self harm - and then suggested i go see him - cant do that - cant take the risk is goes on my permanent record - so will just have to get over it! and stop being so stupid - P7

hi phoenix,

i havent "known" you for long on here but i did want to show my support. i am not sure of everything that is going on - but i think i get the jist of what happened most recently. i am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. and i am sorry to hear that your friend became ill and cannot offer the emotional support you need.

i hope the desparate days pass. hang on if you can.

but if you find yourself unable to cope - and i mean REALLY unable to cope - it is better to talk to your psych than do something irreversible. Remember that you are worth more than any job!
that being said - i wish i knew of something to relieve the pain. ive been in that place where the bad thoughts wont stay out and for some stupid reason harming yourself sounds like the only answer. unfortunately i dont have an answer, either. i find other ways to give into the grief that are a little less destructive but still sorta fulfill that kinda urge. but as ive gotten older i have realized that i just dont want to tolerate that kind of sick pain in my life and i am trying to reach out for help. its hard.

i think you must be stronger than you know. it seems like you were basically told, "dont exist," growing up -and yet you did not die. you survived. dont forget that.

i hope that you feel better soon.
hang in there and you will be in my thoughts,
clara

ps: and for the short time ive been here i do feel it is a safe place to talk,too. (and a needed place as i have really no one to talk to) im afraid sometimes if given the chance i'd put my whole life story on here! lol (not that anyone else would enjoy it but i'd get a kick out of it - bad parts and all). just liberating to talk in this format.

(((((P7)))))

When I could not talk or my mind was too overwhelmed to cope with the thoughts, I found it really helpful to do something physical.

Art can be a really safe way to let our emotions out and connect with the moment. You can either draw/sculpt/paint the feelings..or just do something unrelated. I ended up whittling for hours, and it was somehow very soothing. IMHO, it was an important part of my healing.

The light is always there, whether you can see it or not. Without the light, you would not know darkness.

Sending some light your way...

thank you clara0clear0eyes and spotted owl and everyone who have given me their support it means a lot, I am hanging in there -

today I went and saw the psyche and showed her some of my writings - some pretty dark - she knows I am not in that place at the moment -I decided that if I dont give her a chance to see where I am then she really wont be able to help me - it was a huge risk for me - I am not used to letting anyone in that far - I have probably told everyone here more than most people know about me - I figure if I keep everyone out then I can stay safe - but safe doesnt exist anymore - I know that - I made sure that she knows that I am not at risk so she wont tell my staff psyche - dont think i could bear that -

So I am standing at the edge trying not to go there again - I still have the bad thoughts that I am at present able to control so that is good - it just wears you down - makes you so tired you just want it to stop - but i musnt give in -I have made it this far.....

Spotted owl I used to paint and have wanted to do so again so will try your suggestion. take care everyone P7

and without the darkness you would not be able to see the light.

a strange thing happened i couldnt get to sleep (usual) but when i did I slept deeply and didnt wake up with nightmares through the night - and today im still sad but i think the darkness has moved back a step - and there is a glimmer of light i can hold onto.

I know ive said it before but thankyou all - this time i was not sure i would make it out of the darkness but you helped me realise that i had to tell the T i am seeing what was going on (well most of it) that sounds pretty basic i know but ..... i dont know... i thought if i talked about it it would let the demon loose and i would fall - it didnt happen - last night was pretty dark but today i see that there may be hope on the horizon. I still have my demon, he's looking a bit peeved cos im not listening to him at the moment! and i managed to help a friend yesterday so maybe im not such a waste of space after all ...maybe...

coming here and talking when i could not talk to anyone else helped me work out what i had to do to get back on track - anyway - thankyou thankyou and did i say thankyou!