WARNING - Tough and existential material!




I've read over the net about how AD's can mess your brain up and damage it, and I've been thinking killing myself is the best recovery option since I want an ideal brain with ideal potential, and something has been limiting me - my parents, the AD's, even after I stopped taking them as I am highly concerned of.
I read where people feel they didn't get the chance to mature after taking AD's when they were teens. Oh what a coincidence - I feel the same!

So what on Earth am I supposed to do about this? I want dreams to come true, I'm sick of being in moderate standards because I want to compensate for what I've been through on an emotional and mental manner.
I want to actually create great music, but am unable to right now.
I want to actually have a loving relationship with a woman, but I can't. I mean, you have to be emotionally mature to have great relationship, but how is that possible if it's been hindered by AD's?

I want to believe I can recover from all this but I'm starting to think suicide is the best way to restart my brain, to hope to be reborn, perhaps even in a better family.

Well, there are no guarantees - even in death!

So, before opting for the final exit, I'd try taking a break from everyone and everything I currently know and do and focus on my own self for a while.

The things you discover along the way may bring you more hope, joy and meaning than anything you think you want this very moment in time!

Sincerely,
Pflower

Thanks Pflower, I appreciate it.
It's a troubling thought, but I have a part in this, since I feel I have unlimited potential inside, yet in action I've been hardly doing much compared to how much I feel I can give.

Today was quite a great day at work in the social context.
I want to believe my brain is strong, yet sometimes all I can say is my brain (me) is angry. I just want to actually see I can accomplish great feats. I want to believe my brain and others' can recover. Yet it's still an existential issue that has been bothering me, though after a good day at work I feel better about myself for now.

This subject has been in my head for a long time, and I hardly got any satisfying answers to my concerns.

Nope, didn't help.
I can't do anything, life circumstances are crap. I want to either die or a nuclear war to start so I can lay in my house waiting for that warhead to end my life

I have allot of burden inside, yet my therapist is a piece of **** for talking impatiently and restlessly to me when I came to his clinic "by surprise" when his partner opened the door for me, and waited in the small sitting room.
I talked to him about it and eventually it was because of personal things that he was restless, yet he allowed his emotions to make him go angry with me. I want to leave him for that

[ofthevalley]

[PsychNitrous]

I can empathize with this. I too have learned about how the mis-prescription of antidepressants can damage the brain. My first therapist wasn't educated in prescribing medications, and shouldn't have done so. In fact, I wish I had known then what I know now, it was entirely unethical and out of her scope to do so. But she gave recommendations to my GP, who has said to my face that he doesn't know all that much about psychiatric medication. And im fairly sure that this experience has ruined me. It makes me really sad to think about. I hope you can find some kind of enjoyment in your life.

I can't enjoy life if I can't find the motivation to be productive and living with the fact that my brain has been punished because of my abusive father and ignorant mother. They were all against me and for that, I have been punished by damaging my brain.
So long as I can't connect with people and even pursue hobbies I want but with NO DRIVE for them, I honestly don't see a point in living such hollow life. Can't fulfill myself? Then I'm not enjoying life.

[Shadix]

Anti-depressants? Where have you been reading that they mess up your brain? I have never heard anything like that.

[marcoleap]

While ADs have side effects, can be very difficult to come off of, and may negatively impact serotonin receptors, untreated or undertreated depression also damages the brain. Plus, many brilliant and acccomplished people use ADs long term. You can still achieve peak levels of mental and physical performance while on meds if you get the dosages right and take care of yourself. But I would also suggest seeing a therapist.

[vishva8kumara]

I think you should see a different therapist. I'm sorry about your parents being cruel to you. Rebirth as a new human being is not guaranteed - it is just a belief and we should not make decisions completely based on beliefs.

Antidepressants does not damage the brain in a way you describe. They may have a negative impact on liver and kidneys though.

It seems like you have had some developmental disorder. I too feel like that sometimes. Aspergers or Autism for an example.

There are wonderful novels and movies and so many literature that can expand the spectrum of your emotions and improve perception on life.

I too would love it if I can create music. But I'm not so good at it. But I'm good at painting. Now I can do oil painting; but it has been a long while since I have put any paint on a canvas.

[vishva8kumara]

You can always move-on in this life, and everything changes, nothing stays the same. First we have to accept the current situation and make a small change at a time to reach goals.

Sometimes we just need to take a rest, and change what we have been doing.

Still, if something works well and pays-off well, we can stick with that at a bearable phase, like a job for an example.

Try various hobbies.

My therapist has suggested me to make a time-table and put some effort to stick onto that.

At least, taker a piece of paper and write down what you would like to do, what you would have to do and then prioritize them. Try various activities.

Also, write down what you like and dislike in your life. Then try to fix the easiest ones, one at a time. Stick with the good ones.

I Believe "You Are What You Think".

Originally Posted by vishva8kumara

You can always move-on in this life, and everything changes, nothing stays the same. First we have to accept the current situation and make a small change at a time to reach goals.

Sometimes we just need to take a rest, and change what we have been doing.

Still, if something works well and pays-off well, we can stick with that at a bearable phase, like a job for an example.

Try various hobbies.

My therapist has suggested me to make a time-table and put some effort to stick onto that.

At least, taker a piece of paper and write down what you would like to do, what you would have to do and then prioritize them. Try various activities.

Also, write down what you like and dislike in your life. Then try to fix the easiest ones, one at a time. Stick with the good ones.

I Believe "You Are What You Think".

What I like about my life: My inner passion for music, my mathematical skills.
What I don't like about my life: My inability to let the passion of music out, finding no good way to live life regarding balance of friends, ambitions of success, seriously deep and horrific concerns about AD's ruining my life. I seriously wish I hadn't ever taken them. I blame my therapist.
Seriously, I think if I took AD's, I am at greater disadvantages than advantages. It's an extreme existential issue and I have found ABSOLUTELY no answers other than resetting life (suicide).
I feel every barrier in my life is because of those past AD's - can't create relationships and feel unworthy. Can't create relationships with women. Hate my therapist. Heck, can't even create other relationships.

As for the schedule - I work with schedules. I make time for music and whenever I sit in front of the computer, I have creativity constipation which is never released.
When I see I cannot create music I feel horrible and don't feel like doing anything else. I may go consume some media for pleasure, maybe it will give me the drive to produce more, as I've been working more than I was consuming, mostly regarding entertainment.

But still, the AD issue is still bothering me with great anxiety.
I worry about my long-term physical and mental health because of them. I get feelings I ****ed myself up as a human being by taking them, and that I lost my human potential.
Hugs will not help. I want answers to actually keep me going! I want OBJECTIVE psychiatric information regarding AD's, not some stupid mental health "professional" conversations such as "It is unlikely", or "Are you sure it's the AD's and not something else?"
I WANT THE OBJECTIVE ANSWERS, NOT THE SUBJECTIVE
I want ****ing hope for a change. I want to HEAL. I want to GROW. I don't want to be an eternally-broken human being because of the stupid medications. And if that's the case, I may reset life, as I don't see a point in living when I'm not at full potential as a human being and human brain.

Note: I could be over reacting. My mother would occasionally tell me that I am being hard on myself regarding personal standards. Well, it's true. I aspire to thrive in music, career and relationships with people.
I've had obsessions with superficial power such as social status and pleasures. I've never been that kind of person. But it seems the only way to enjoy life is to have power. I mean seriously, it kinda makes sense. As you can see I hardly have the power to create music nor do anything else which is productive.

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

What I like about my life: My inner passion for music, my mathematical skills.
What I don't like about my life: My inability to let the passion of music out, finding no good way to live life regarding balance of friends, ambitions of success, seriously deep and horrific concerns about AD's ruining my life. I seriously wish I hadn't ever taken them. I blame my therapist.
Seriously, I think if I took AD's, I am at greater disadvantages than advantages. It's an extreme existential issue and I have found ABSOLUTELY no answers other than resetting life (suicide).
I feel every barrier in my life is because of those past AD's - can't create relationships and feel unworthy. Can't create relationships with women. Hate my therapist. Heck, can't even create other relationships.

As for the schedule - I work with schedules. I make time for music and whenever I sit in front of the computer, I have creativity constipation which is never released.
When I see I cannot create music I feel horrible and don't feel like doing anything else. I may go consume some media for pleasure, maybe it will give me the drive to produce more, as I've been working more than I was consuming, mostly regarding entertainment.

But still, the AD issue is still bothering me with great anxiety.
I worry about my long-term physical and mental health because of them. I get feelings I ****ed myself up as a human being by taking them, and that I lost my human potential.
Hugs will not help. I want answers to actually keep me going! I want OBJECTIVE psychiatric information regarding AD's, not some stupid mental health "professional" conversations such as "It is unlikely", or "Are you sure it's the AD's and not something else?"
I WANT THE OBJECTIVE ANSWERS, NOT THE SUBJECTIVE
I want ****ing hope for a change. I want to HEAL. I want to GROW. I don't want to be an eternally-broken human being because of the stupid medications. And if that's the case, I may reset life, as I don't see a point in living when I'm not at full potential as a human being and human brain.

Note: I could be over reacting. My mother would occasionally tell me that I am being hard on myself regarding personal standards. Well, it's true. I aspire to thrive in music, career and relationships with people.
I've had obsessions with superficial power such as social status and pleasures. I've never been that kind of person. But it seems the only way to enjoy life is to have power. I mean seriously, it kinda makes sense. As you can see I hardly have the power to create music nor do anything else which is productive.

I also sometimes have paranoia about psychiatric medications and wonder about whether it is wise to put so many children on them. But what's done is done and you are obsessing about it to the point of becoming suicidal. It is hard to know how much of your anxiety, depression, and lack of passion (motivation? creativity?) is the result of your medication or the result of your DNA makeup combined with the interactions you had growing up. Though I did not start my meds until 48--I have decided that my medications are helping me and that my therapist was right about the need to continue taking them. Can you look for a more helpful therapist? They cannot help you unless there is mutual respect. You have a right to take what you want but may have to taper slowly if you want to discontinue a medication. Also, whenever you taper--be very careful--sometimes suicidal feelings are the result of cutting back. While you write these things in this post, have your meds been constant or have you been adjusting doses? Sometimes if you change your medications it is good to keep track of how you feel. Your posts at PC can keep a record of this. IMO, even when we are on medications, we can improve our life in some way. I am sorry that you are so down about this. Hugs.

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I also sometimes have paranoia about psychiatric medications and wonder about whether it is wise to put so many children on them. But what's done is done and you are obsessing about it to the point of becoming suicidal. It is hard to know how much of your anxiety, depression, and lack of passion (motivation? creativity?) is the result of your medication or the result of your DNA makeup combined with the interactions you had growing up. Though I did not start my meds until 48--I have decided that my medications are helping me and that my therapist was right about the need to continue taking them. Can you look for a more helpful therapist? They cannot help you unless there is mutual respect. You have a right to take what you want but may have to taper slowly if you want to discontinue a medication. Also, whenever you taper--be very careful--sometimes suicidal feelings are the result of cutting back. While you write these things in this post, have your meds been constant or have you been adjusting doses? Sometimes if you change your medications it is good to keep track of how you feel. Your posts at PC can keep a record of this. IMO, even when we are on medications, we can improve our life in some way. I am sorry that you are so down about this. Hugs.

I stopped taking them 4 years ago.

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

I stopped taking them 4 years ago.

Then you are not addicted and I think you are still young. It is my understanding that males brains continue to develop well into their 20s. Make sure you are eating healthy and though I think it is best to go without psych drugs if you can, sometimes people cope better with life with them. It can take a while to develop healthy habits conducive to fostering creativity (I get my best ideas while I am walking, running or brainstorming with other people). Exercise and meditation are drug free ways to cope with anxiety....

[-jimi-]

No one is perfect. We're all a little damaged from this or that, and also as we age, the damage increases and it is normal. There IS no perfection. The trick is to deal with life as it is.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

No one is perfect. We're all a little damaged from this or that, and also as we age, the damage increases and it is normal. There IS no perfection. The trick is to deal with life as it is.

Exactly.

[unaluna]

Youre gonna be so mad if you come back as a cockroach. The only music you will be making is by rubbing your legs together. Dude. Time to start making memories. Get off the media and get out the door. Im old, i lived my life, but yeah i still want more. What are you doing?!

[kkrrhh]

I would almost guarantee that the constant worry and belief that meds have "ruined" your brain are holding you back more and doing more (temporary) damage than the meds themselves ever have. That's not to say that it's super simple, and if you just tell yourself, "never mind, meds are great," everything will magically be fixed. But getting an idea like that in your head and getting upset and losing hope over it can get it all tangled in your mind much like depression. If you keep believing it and focusing on it, it will do no good. I'm not sure if you've mentioned, if I can ask, what were the ADs prescribed for? Because depression and anxiety themselves can cause creative block, issues with emotions in relationships, and a lot of those issues.

I've had similar worries and wondered about meds. And I'm not saying this is necessarily the case for you, but I think it's part of the issue for me and maybe some others. I think we want to blame the meds so we can believe there's an option where things would've been totally ok. We want to be able to say, "this was the meds, they caused these problems," and imagine that in some parallel universe where we hadn't taken the meds, all of these things about ourselves would be different and things would be perfect, whereas a lot of the claims people make about ADs "ruining" them are things that go right along with mental illness anyway. In reality, most of the people who are exposed to psych meds have taken them because, well, they have mental illness. I'm not denying that they're sometimes prescribed when unnecessary, or that there aren't ever bad reactions, but it makes a lot of the scary things you read about people claiming meds "ruined" them iffy. Even if there were some tiny chance, there's no way of knowing, literally no way of knowing, and it's in the past.

ADs don't ruin your brain. Especially after 4 years, your brain's chilled out and gotten back to its own state and anything that could have been considered "damage" that meds could've done is gone. You can dwell on whether things would've been different personality-wise (I'll admit, I have) but honestly, there are a lot of life circumstances that affect us, and wondering what may've been does no good. If at one point 5 years ago you were deciding between taking a job or not, and you decided to take it, naturally a year later things would be a lot different if you could magically see every exact way taking that path had changed you. Maybe you made great money, but in a year spent there let's say you feel you might've gained a shorter temper, worked so many hours you might not have been able to work on music much and felt the stress made you shut down emotionally, and came away with a in intense phobia of spinning chairs that you'd have to work on. Let's say you even hated the job, and just felt it'd changed you and wondered how you'd be if you had taken another path. It would be impossible to see how things would've gone without it, maybe things would've been much worse. Would you think, "wow, I hate that job I quit four years ago and anything it may've done to me. I wonder if it ruined me forever, and I think it's probably reason to give up now." No, you'd think about the job and say, "I hated that job from 2013. I kind of regret it, but it's 2017 and I'm here and going to move forward and work on things, because I can."
This is obviously a way oversimplified, babbly example but hopefully you kinda get what I'm getting at. I know the fact that it's a change inside our literal brains makes it much more worrying, but honestly, that makes it easy to over blow it, too. Just literally look at it like that^... something that happened in your life and may or may not have given you some roadblocks but can without a doubt be worked on and moved past regardless. I know this is more subjective info but, personally I've seen no convincing, realistic evidence that ADs can ruin your brain in the way people worry, especially beyond hope, and I've looked a lot.

You're still living, you're still you, you've still got the same mind and body you've always had, just like anyone else, and can move forward and live life as you would've.
I hope things turn out, good luck with everything.

[PsychNitrous]

Originally Posted by kkrrhh

ADs don't ruin your brain. Especially after 4 years, your brain's chilled out and gotten back to its own state and anything that could have been considered "damage" that meds could've done is gone.

There is evidence that the mis-prescription of antidepressants can permanently damage the brain, especially in teenagers. That's part of why most of these medications are recommended for persons 18+.

[vishva8kumara]

I remember reading about some research that found out prolonged use of ADs can cause more connections between neurons to develop in the brain, and maybe new brain cells as well. That does not sound like brain damage at all.

The first time I woke up after having psych meds I was feeling 'horrible'. Not physically, but from the inside, it was a feeling of worthlessness and brokenness. But later on I accepted the reality and got used to the idea. Things turned from rock-bottom to mmkay to good to great to awesome much faster that I expected. That was until it all came down; all due to my own fault. I have learnt some lessons and stronger than before.

Maybe I would be using one or another AD on and off for the most part of my life hereafter..

Sometimes we just have to accept and make peace with the reality.

[PsychNitrous]

Nevermind, I'm trying to butt in where I don't belong.

Originally Posted by kkrrhh

I would almost guarantee that the constant worry and belief that meds have "ruined" your brain are holding you back more and doing more (temporary) damage than the meds themselves ever have. That's not to say that it's super simple, and if you just tell yourself, "never mind, meds are great," everything will magically be fixed. But getting an idea like that in your head and getting upset and losing hope over it can get it all tangled in your mind much like depression. If you keep believing it and focusing on it, it will do no good. I'm not sure if you've mentioned, if I can ask, what were the ADs prescribed for? Because depression and anxiety themselves can cause creative block, issues with emotions in relationships, and a lot of those issues.

I've had similar worries and wondered about meds. And I'm not saying this is necessarily the case for you, but I think it's part of the issue for me and maybe some others. I think we want to blame the meds so we can believe there's an option where things would've been totally ok. We want to be able to say, "this was the meds, they caused these problems," and imagine that in some parallel universe where we hadn't taken the meds, all of these things about ourselves would be different and things would be perfect, whereas a lot of the claims people make about ADs "ruining" them are things that go right along with mental illness anyway. In reality, most of the people who are exposed to psych meds have taken them because, well, they have mental illness. I'm not denying that they're sometimes prescribed when unnecessary, or that there aren't ever bad reactions, but it makes a lot of the scary things you read about people claiming meds "ruined" them iffy. Even if there were some tiny chance, there's no way of knowing, literally no way of knowing, and it's in the past.

ADs don't ruin your brain. Especially after 4 years, your brain's chilled out and gotten back to its own state and anything that could have been considered "damage" that meds could've done is gone. You can dwell on whether things would've been different personality-wise (I'll admit, I have) but honestly, there are a lot of life circumstances that affect us, and wondering what may've been does no good. If at one point 5 years ago you were deciding between taking a job or not, and you decided to take it, naturally a year later things would be a lot different if you could magically see every exact way taking that path had changed you. Maybe you made great money, but in a year spent there let's say you feel you might've gained a shorter temper, worked so many hours you might not have been able to work on music much and felt the stress made you shut down emotionally, and came away with a in intense phobia of spinning chairs that you'd have to work on. Let's say you even hated the job, and just felt it'd changed you and wondered how you'd be if you had taken another path. It would be impossible to see how things would've gone without it, maybe things would've been much worse. Would you think, "wow, I hate that job I quit four years ago and anything it may've done to me. I wonder if it ruined me forever, and I think it's probably reason to give up now." No, you'd think about the job and say, "I hated that job from 2013. I kind of regret it, but it's 2017 and I'm here and going to move forward and work on things, because I can."
This is obviously a way oversimplified, babbly example but hopefully you kinda get what I'm getting at. I know the fact that it's a change inside our literal brains makes it much more worrying, but honestly, that makes it easy to over blow it, too. Just literally look at it like that^... something that happened in your life and may or may not have given you some roadblocks but can without a doubt be worked on and moved past regardless. I know this is more subjective info but, personally I've seen no convincing, realistic evidence that ADs can ruin your brain in the way people worry, especially beyond hope, and I've looked a lot.

You're still living, you're still you, you've still got the same mind and body you've always had, just like anyone else, and can move forward and live life as you would've.
I hope things turn out, good luck with everything.

Thank you all for your understanding and collaborative replies.
I will reply to you specifically, kkrrhh.
I was prescribed 20 mg of fluoxetine when I was 14-14.5 years old. I took it for 4 years (could've taken them for far less). The reason I took them is because I had some much anger charged inside, so much contained negative energy, that I couldn't spit a word, crumble and partially collapse (it happened when I went to the first or second psychiatric meeting with my parents. There were 2-3 meetings before I was evaluated. She mentioned I have only a slight amount of depression. It was a hard choice for me to take them.
From then on, my therapist gradually seemed like a piece of ****. I strongly think this way till this day. I made a thread about it here:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...ibility-3.html

I am also concerned about knee mild pain which I strongly feel. I always wire the pain to the pills because I read AD's can cause problems with bone growth, and considering I started taking the pills when I was a teen, I am highly concerned of that. Also the fact that I can never be still (whether it be sitting on one side of my back, sleeping a similar way, restlessly pacing (which I believe is another cause of knee pain, yet I know AD use can cause inner restlessness)).
I want to recover to a sane state where I can do things. Life may not be perfect, but I want to live them as perfectly as possible.
Lately, my hands have been mildly shivering, could be anger but I don't know.

I am seriously starting to see a problem with mental health care - they don't take care of the true causes - other humans.

[unaluna]

Dear - its your reactions to other people. That is, how much you let them in. That is, your boundaries.

Some families stomp all over boundaries as a way of controlling the other members of the family. Then when we go out into the world, we are pretty much defenseless, because we experience other people's innocent, valid interactions with us, the same way as our family's interactions - still as stomping on our boundaries. I lived this. It sucks. Thats why ive been in therapy for freakin forever.

Anne Katherine has some - 3 - very good books on self sabotage and boundaries. You should listen to me, i have a math degree! seriously, i wish you well.

[vishva8kumara]

Well, what my PDoc and Therapist was telling me about anger is to "channel your anger to something productive, or exhausting without harm". So I got to work out till I had no more energy to exercise my anger. And it stimulates endorphines to make you "feel good" for several hours. I was put on several antidepressants at that time though.

The first time I has been to a therapist was when I was like 6 or 7 for OCD. She gave me a placebo, and the placebo worked for some time to break some intrusive thoughts - as a small distraction. But that was only until I got to know that it was just a vitamin pill. At that moment, all they wanted was to give a false reassurance as a distraction.

I'm sorry to hear that you had to take an AD for four years from 14 yrs. But Fluoxetine is one of the few ADs suitable for young adults.

I think you could still work on your anger issues and think about more possibilities openly, and reconsider your idea of ADs destroying your life. Get a second opinion from another therapist. Some PDocs may not think thrice before giving out ADs. But Psychologists on the other hand try their best to help their client without medication. So you can see a Psychologist to get a second or third opinion.

I mean, this could be something completely different, and completely new avenues may open..