More on therapeutic induced attachment

My first therapist and I worked on this. She really wanted me to build up my outside support system. I thought I was getting support by going to a therapist. No, she said, she couldn't do it all, and I needed to have family and friends to give support. I was resistant to doing this. I told her I did not want to burden people with my problems or ask them favors they might feel obligated to do but not really want to or impose on them, etc. She then asked if I provided support to friends and family. The answer was yes. She wanted to know if I felt burdened by this or resentful or imposed on. The answer was no. She asked how it made me feel to help my friends. My answer was good. Then she wanted to know why I thought my friends and family wouldn't behave and feel similarly. I don't know! It just was not the same. I think my mother was not good at meeting my needs so I learned not to ask. And in my marriage, I did not get to ask for stuff because the answer was always no. I still remember one time when I was about 9 months pregnant with my first baby, and my H and I were going to childbirth class with other first time parents. The instructor had said how the man could give the woman a massage from time to time to ease her discomfort and back ache. A number of the people in the class said yes, they had tried this and it really helped. Both my H and I heard this. It seemed to me like this gave me permission to ask my H for a massage and good reason to expect he might do it willingly. So a number of days later when my back was really hurting, I asked him if he could give me a back massage, and he looked at me with some kind of repulsion/disgust on his face. Certainly he did not want to do this! He reluctantly agreed but he so did not want to, and this made me uncomfortable. So after a couple of minutes, I let him off the hook and we stopped. Why could all the other wives get a back massage and have it be a positive experience? I must be "unworthy" in some way, or so my thinking went. I don't really think it was the massage per se that my H disliked, it was having to say "yes" to me about something and give me something and so lose a little control. He was just so ungiving in all ways and kept on top that way. This is how we learn not to ask for what we need--because those who are supposed to be close tell us time and time again "no". It is really, really hard to unlearn this. I am trying, but the person I ask for help/support has to be pretty trustworthy before I'll risk getting a "no" or look of repulsion/disgust/loathing/reluctance. It would be really hard to attach to a person like that.

Oh, sunrise, I know exactly what you're describing. It makes so much sense; no wonder we feel like we should do things on our own, when people in our lives have told us this in both word and action. So we bravely, hesitantly allow a T into our lives to help us do this...and they want us to do it with other people, too? It feels so risky.

I think a lot of my issues stem from being taught at an early age that you needed to be self suffience. Also I saw too many people who relied on others mistreated. It seemed like if you asked someone for something then you OWED them something. I never liked having IOU hanging over my head.

First of all, I just have to say that I am SO glad this thread exists. I've recently been felling some intense attachment to my T, and it scared the hell out of me, because I thought there was yet another thing wrong with me...one that I couldn't talk to T about. So needless to say, this has been EXTREMELY relieving to read.

I feel such a strong attachment to my T. We have a lot of the same viewpoints...we even listen to a bunch of the same music! I literally get a pain in my stomach when I leave her office, because I want so much to keep that stability and attachment. Plus, she's honestly the ONLY person in the world who doesn't judge me, and who truly accepts me for who I am. I've never experienced that in my life, so it's hard to let that feeling go.

Fallenangel,

I've kind of moved through a series of "no one else in the world truly accepts me for who I am" stages. If as I started on the journey I was in a dark place where I isolated myself from everyone. I had some good reasons for this that then over the years just spun out of control. Then I started therapy and found PC. On PC I started reading others posts and realized...there were other freaks out there who understood and had similar stuff running through their heads. This knowledge and reading how others actually shared these thoughts with their Ts and were receiving positive,caring responses led me to first share here. Then I worked my way up to sharing some things with my T. And OMG, her response was not at all what I expected and I discovered...there might be some benefit to getting my thoughts out of my head.After this, I moved to thinking...MY T is the only one in the world who I can say things to and not get judged or rejected or condemned. Now, I am hit every once in a while with great insight that...MAYBE there are others, in RL, who appear to be healthy and happy well grounded individuals who also have similar thoughts and feelings who I can also safely connect with. I'm still working on this last step and getting myself to find and then take advantage of 2-way sharing these individuals.

I don't like to think about being attached to my mentor, but deep down I am. Its hard to admit that..maybe that is just another step on the path.

The discussion Rainbow and I were having today in our new social group got me thinking a bit more on this.

I think that maybe in the past, I'd always attached in an anxious and somewhat insecure way. I believe now that the attachment I have had with my T might have moved me more into the secure type of bond. I was wondering to myself just what made the difference. And the answer would be faith. One of the biggest reasons why I've always held onto relationships for dear life was a fear of of forgetting and of losing the connection. I've been out of therapy for 6 months tomorrow and I haven't seen T since then. I believe in this connection. I don't need to look in T's eyes to know it exists. I don't need to sit in the room with him to know that he still smiles and he still laughs. I don't need to hear his voice to know what advice he'd offer. I don't need concrete proof because I feel it inside me. There is no more panic or fear that it will be lost forever. That attachment is part of me now. I have faith in it. And every time I believe in it and listen to my therapist's voice by living my life to the fullest, I will embrace that connection. It feels secure and safe. It feels forever.

T and I talked about attachment a bit yesterday, and I brought up how I had begun to notice a strong attachment to her. I almost expected her to become slightly uncomfortable, or say that's not good, but she actually told me that given the nature of therapy, attachment is very common, and very healthy.

My only worry is I have an intensely strong attachment with T...stronger than I have with anyone else, because she knows the most about me...even more than my friends know. And quite honestly, she is such an inspiration to me. She is the kind of woman I'd like to be when I "grow up." I'm so scared to let go of that connection.

why do you have to let go of that connection?

Fallenangel are you a young person? I think that young people like myself are more at risk and therefore develop stronger attachments but hey i could be wrong.

I am currently going through a forced termination with a therapist that i am very very attached to. I think its unfair that the therapeutic relationship is set up to make the client reliant, attached and dependent on the therapist. All the emotions im going through in this termination are very unfair and horrible and i am very stressed out about it. The emotions are crazy out of control and feel very childlike.
I have a strong maternal transference thing going on with this therapist and I dont always understand the attachment feelings.

It is unfair for a therapist to create such strong attachment when the therapist cant be anything but a therapist to the client.

My therapist said we could meet for coffee when i finished therapy with her but we could never be friends. so now i am very confused about what coffee is if its not a friend thing to do and im confused about why the attachment makes me want to hang out and be very close to someone who is my mothers age.

All this is very hard to deal with but i'm hoping that someone can make sense of it for me

Chrystal: I know what you're going through! I've been there! I just started a social group on the PC forum called: Issues relating to termination of therapy. Click on your "Private Messages" above and there will be a menu on the left. One of them says "social groups." Click on that and you'll find a long list of groups, including mine.

Did you read what Bether posted? That's the best way for therapy to end, with you feeling the attachment without needing to be with your T. My first T told me I could always have a part of her inside of me. My termination with her was sort of forced; I felt pressured to quit, and I was miserable for a long time afterward.

Are you seeing another T? I used to talk about my former T with my next one, in order to resolve the transference. Attachment is good, not bad, but it IS difficult when you have to leave your T before you are ready. One important thing is to allow yourself to grieve for your T. The loss is real!

About coffee with her. I'm not sure that's a good idea or not. My T (I've terminated with her but I can still be in contact with her) told me we can't have lunch or ever be friends, but I can call her or set up an appointment. I think the coffee is just a place to meet instead of the office, but it does not make you and your T friends.

I know this is so hard for you! We can discuss more about termination issues in the social group if you want.

BTW, I am "old" and feel the strong attachment to my T, who is about my age. Age of client or T is irrelevant.

I think it is very important to have your feelings be heard before terminating with your T. Is she willing to work with you on this? I really think it will be a necessary part of leaving therapy and that she should see you through it.

Attachment in therapy seems very advantageous to having a successful result. It does come with the risk of the things you have described here. It is something you need to bring to your T's attention. Learning from your reactions, feelings and behavior during the attachment are very important. It will be very helpful to understand why you feel the way you do, how your therapist has been meeting your needs, what you can do to have those needs met outside of the room without your T and to discover what is at the root of these feelings. Then you can use all of this information to have healthier relationships.

I also really believe that you have to grieve the loss and find peace with it in your own way. This can take time. I personally feel it would be wrong for your T to not allow you to work through this with her. Have you told her about your feelings?

I am 40 years old and have also had a difficult time separating from my therapist. Age is not a factor. I am really to a positive point with my separation now. My therapist helped me through the most difficult parts by allowing me several sessions to air my feelings out to him. It has been a long and difficult road, but one that I do not for one moment regret taking. I still love him very much, but I have accepted the limitations of our relationship. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there.

I am so very attached to T in a maternal way and he's a guy and we're both "old." LOL
I think it's a healthy attachment and we have discussed it so he knows how I feel. At one point I expressed my confusion because I'm also very attached to H (been married a looong time). T said why not get what you need from each of us? So the attachment is real, it's loving and it's good. I don't plan on giving it up anytime soon and someday hope to have internalized as beautifully as Bether has articulated. Yes, I am experiencing some positive aspects of attachment for the first time in my life, and I am very grateful for that. Yep-I am healing through this attachment.

Cmac: I know that I won't be able to see T forever, and while the time of termination may be far away, it is still unsettling to think that there will come a time when I won't see T every week.

I feel the same way you do. I have been with my therapist forever. She says she will not retire anytime soon from her private practice. She is 65. I think to myself that this woman is like a Mom to me and I don't think I will ever leave therapy. She says that she knows I will always need some kind of connection with her and that it is fine with her. She kids me and says she can work into her 80's she just hopes she stays healthy. Yeah I hope she stays healthy. Knowing her has made all of the difference for me and my family. I cannot imagine her not being in my life and she knows this.

My T is probably late 20's, early 30's, or so she looks, so i really don't have to worry about her retiring anytime soon. With my unpredictible life, there's no telling where I'll end up, but wherever I do end up, I really, really hope it's somewhere where I can still talk to her. I really look up to her like whoa, and she is such a positive influence on my life...I can't imagine losing that.

I'm hoping that my therapeutic relationship will just gently come to a natural end. Power of intention right :-)

Here's one for the record on attachment. Had a rough session today and something T said made me feel like he was pushing me away. I was crying my eyes out. yep--sobbing, tissues, snot, the whole package. T asked me what was going on. I said, "I feel like you're pushing me away." He goes, "You can get rid of me when you are ready." LOL

Aye yi yi I can't take it anymore. I love him so much.

Sigh.

I just finished therapy and am really suffering. My advice to all of you is not to fight the loving feelings, enjoy them, engage fully in them; and don't let the inevitable termination down the road ruin the good times you have together. I worried throughout my therapy about termination and ran from my feelings for my therapist. And then, when therapy ended I felt and feel the regrets. Just as death is inevitable,it doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy each day. And if you only worry about death, you will be filled with regret when you die.

Oh Bluehen, my heart ached for you when i read your words. From DAY 1, I have obsessed about and dreaded termination. And it absolutely, ABSOLUTELY has kept me in an insecure attachment state with my t. I am never able to relax and give myself over into feeling the good feeling of connection with her. A part of me is always fearful, always holding back from allowing myself to feel attached or good with her. When I do experience a moment of attachment, i generally (unconsciously) end up finding a way to get upset with her and then distance. As badly as i need attachment and connection with my t, there is something too scary about letting somebody in close to my heart. Deep down, i think what holds me back has always been the "ending." I have experienced so many losses in my life that have devastated me. It is a fight -- truly a fight -- trying to allow myself to feel attached and close with my t, because i know someday the loss will come.

I am so sorry that you struggled with this throughout your time in therapy, and that you feel some regret now. Would it be possible for you to contact your former t, at least to tell her how you feel? Can you get some help in dealing with the loss, and in trying to hang onto some feeling of connectedness with her even though you've terminated? I feel for you so much. . .