[Christina86]

(My note: I added trigger icon. Probably unnecessarily, but I don't know if I'm a good judge right now so better safe than sorry I'd say)

So. Two hour session today (her "offer" because of my commute time so we can get more work done as well).

Unfortunately means I'm not able to see her as often because it costs a lot of $$$$ and I don't have a lot of it. I digress, but I don't see her until the 3rd week of next month. Blargh.

First hour was peachy. I wanted to talk about academics and my future career choices and stuff. She gives good advice and is a good sounding board.

Second half?

Uhhhhhhhhhh...

<--- lots of those

I feel pathetic.

We talked about the "effects" of the abuse. We didn't even discuss the event for pete's sake...

And guess who couldn't stay focused and dissociated because she was picturing it in her mind?

Yeah, me. (Duh Christina)

I wound up hitting the table with my fist because jarring myself like that usually snaps me out of it. Did it? Not really. She thought I was trying to stuff my feelings, and that's likely true to an extent...

but honestly, I need to grow up.

I came into therapy (she said I started seeing her a YEAR AGO NOW yikes) to deal with this abuse issue.

And I've dealt with everything else. Stuff related, but not.

Pandoras box of issues.

Erm, Christina's box of issues. Likes popping open.

I'm in a dilemma.

I can't get over it and forgive myself. Because I still hate him. I still hate him because I can't confront him because he's family and it would ruin my family.

So I'm stuck hating myself, and being resentful and hurt and stuck with these freaking emotions. And I still hate HIM I just can't forgive him. Which I need to do to some degree to get out of this. Hating him hurts ME ultimately, not him. He doesn't know what I feel and never will

Christina's box opens enough to let out the "hating him" part of me on occassion, but the emotions aren't being dealt with and are holding me hostage.

And darnit, I HATE THAT.

(I also hate the emotion "anger" and all that it entails, go figure)

I feel doomed.

One month 'til I see her again - and then for another 2 hour session, which WILL be spent on abuse stuff, even if it drives me crazy. I need to stop wasting time.

Darn, I'm a freaking control freak.

Oh well, today was a write off anyways. 2 hours of therapy made me hate myself, my life, my family, him, GOD, and gave me a freaking headache of DOOM and made me irritable and dissociative and numb and just generally...

not a happy camper, and I shouldn't have been around people.

I should've stayed in bed. Which I DID do earlier this evening. 7pm until 11pm. No wonder it's 12:48am and I'm wide awake.

Blah.

And I've got my psychiatrist appt on Thursday. One hour appt, we're supposed to talk about my career/future stuff like planned.

Unless I'm still a wreck, in which case he gets to deal with me like this.

(I'm sorry for those who actually read this. I can't say I MADE you read this - I didn't - but I still feel guilty. A lot of guilt drives Christina and her life)

[fallenangel337]

((((((((((Christina))))))))))))

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Christina86

I can't get over it and forgive myself. Because I still hate him. I still hate him because I can't confront him because he's family and it would ruin my family.

So I'm stuck hating myself, and being resentful and hurt and stuck with these freaking emotions. And I still hate HIM I just can't forgive him. Which I need to do to some degree to get out of this. Hating him hurts ME ultimately, not him.

This sure sounds hard Christina. What does your therapist suggest as a way to deal with all of this? Do you two have a plan of attack?

Think of the different people in your family. Do you think that all of them would prefer not to know this? What if they did know--would any of them say "I wish I had known" or "thank you for telling me." Sometimes I think we worry too much about the fallout from our actions. If it is ruining your life because you are keeping this a secret from your family, then maybe you do need to tell at least some of your family members. Then let them handle it as they need to. Of course I don't know your situation at all, but it could be that family members would want to know, Christina, rather than live in ignorance with some abuser guy.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi (cristina)

I have found that dealing with "everything else" as you call it is as healing, if not more so, than dealing with the actual "events" head on. I think this is because when we are abused it effects all aspects of our lives. I think you should just follow your heart and know that the rest will come when you are ready--and it sounds like that might be soon! In the meantime, maybe you can get a little "box" IRL. --- Like a shoebox or something and write down stuff and put it there to keep until you are ready. This way you can clear your body of the toxic nature of holding onto it.

Anyway--just some ideas. I think you are doing fabulous!

Originally Posted by Christina86

but honestly, I need to grow up.

Hey (((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))))))

This sentence kind of jumped out at me.

I couldn't deal with the abuse stuff in therapy until I STOPPED trying to "grow up". I needed to let the young, hurt parts of me admit what happened before grown up me could even BEGIN to think about talking about it...and hopefully, eventually, accepting it.

I don't know...for me, the abuse happened when I was so young, and I didn't dare tell anyone, so I kind of "grew up" right then and there. Just pushed it away to the corners of my mind, made myself be brave...I told T early in therapy that I've felt like a "grown up" since I was really, really little.

So, now, I need time to NOT be grown up. That has been a big step in healing for me.

Can you let your guard down enough to NOT "need to grow up"?

This stuff is hard. You are doing good work. It just sucks, there's no way around it. But you are doing it.

Hang in there

[Christina86]

I love you all. A lot.

you give me so much to think about, thanks!! And for the hugs, even more thanks.

At least I'm feeling more sane this morning. I think. Blargh. So much stuff to process... I'm heading out right now, but I'll respond individually when I get back later - promise!!

Christina,

You are WAY too hard on yourself! You will deal with stuff when you are ready to, even if it takes 5 more years. I think you will know when you are ready, there is no official timeline on how long things are suppose to take in therapy. I like what Treehouse says, she is so right on!

It sounds like you have a lot of hard work ahead of you, hang on tight! I like what my T told me this week when she saw my painting I did. She said yes, it has a darkness to it, but part of the darkness of pain is now a little more out of me instead of being within. You are beginning to let it out little by little and that is okay.

[skeksi]

Treehouse said:

I couldn't deal with the abuse stuff in therapy until I STOPPED trying to "grow up".

That's such an important insight!

Like you, Christina, I get so frustrated with myself for not moving through things faster/better/whatever. It's another way to blame myself and not look at the abuse. It's not deliberate, it's like a fails-safe I have in place to protect myself. I agree with exotic, we deal with these things in our own time. I know I am taking much longer--years longer!--than I thought I would. But I also feel really good about being ble to take things at my own pace. That's never been allowed before.

Take care. You're doing the work even when you're not talking explicitly about the abuse. There are many, many layers to it, and a lot of it is outside stuff like home and work. You're working on the abuse, and when you're ready to talk about it directly, you will. Trust in yourself.

[phoenix7]

((((((((Christina86)))))))

dealing woth this stuff is so hard - dealing wiht the stuff around it jmo is the first step - talkinga bout why you canttalk about it also helped me - and as Treehouse said letting the child part (inner child) that T says is stuck in the terror of the moment have a voice is another healing step

T says the adult part of me has to turn up and help the child part - take over and stand up to the abuser - am trying to do this - you are travelling a hard road and it takes as long as it takes.

You are not weak or pathetic you are strong - you survived and you will survive this and be even stronger because of it .

Its ok to hate the abuser - especially if you havnt allowed yourself to hate them before - jmo again but i think somtimes you have to acknowledge the anger and rage from the event to mprocess it and move past the fear into understanding and possible forgiveness.

Please be kind to you my friend - there are a lot of people her who care about you and will stand (or sit) with you to help you get throguh this.

take care P7

[paddym22]

(((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

I'm sorry... my brain still isn't working properly enough to look at people's responses and respond and stuff. I'll come back as soon as I can and do that... preferably when I can actually concentrate on my own issues. To cope with stuff, I usually just wind up helping everyone else and focusing on everyone elses issues. (I am SUCH a good little codependent! )

I'm still emotionally numb. I had a pdoc appt today.

I bawled my eyes out. That actually helped a bit.

I see my pdoc again next week. He seemed concerned about me, since I never cry. I hate crying. He said that if I wanted to, we could discuss the abuse stuff. But that I didn't have to if I didn't want to.

He did tell me that he feels the abuse stuff basically has ruined my perceptions of the opposite sex (true!) and that it was worriesome because at 23 years old - I've had ONE boyfriend (which I won't say except to say, he's messed up and I'm messed up and I was a rebound. OOPS) and have never kissed a guy (YEP!) let alone any of that romantic/sex stuff....



I love pdoc for wanting to help me. Especially since I told him I've got no friends I can talk to about this. (My regular "go to" friend about stuff has decided he wants boundaries and stuff and wants me to stop depending on him. I'm basically limited to contacting him by email 1x/month unless I see him in person for whatever random reason). Sigh. And all of my other "healthy" friends are busy/on vacation/not here. And the less I say about the five billion one sided relationships with friends in my life, the better (I give, and give and give and they take. It's at least predictable like that)

I bawled over the fact I have nobody to talk to.

I showed up in my PJs! Yep. I was too fed up with the world to change.

I slept afterwards at school. It ... didn't help, probably. But then I ran into a friend who bought me coffee and we chatted for a while. That made me happier.

I haven't eaten much today. Actually, I had macaroni salad and the coffee my friend bought me. I don't know if I'm eating again... maybe, maybe not.

Sigh. I feel like I've come apart over ONE STUPID FREAKING APPT.

:headdesk:

Lesson to learn here folks:

(From Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

[phoenix7]

D'oh! (((((Christina86))))))))

i am sorry you are still triggery with noone irl to talk to - i know its second best but you can always talk to us here ok and my PM box has a welcome mat there for you

Were your Pj's wonderwoman or winnie the pooh! im just glad you went no matter what you wore! and it sounds like Pdoc is a kind and caring person which is what you deserve.

abuse is sooooo hard to talk about and deal with - dont be hard on yourself - we do the best we can when we can ok

take care of you P7

[Porcelain_doll_2004]

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS to you Christina! First, I was happy to read the whole thing! Second, don't feel bad about posting. Like you have told me in the last week, you are human!
I was very happy for you to post this and reach out to people!

If you need to talk you know I am ALWAYS here for you and am just a PM away!

I am sending you good thoughts~ I am thinking about you!

HUGS to you!

Doll

[peaches100]

Hi Christina,

I want you to know i read your post and would like to think about it some before responding. But i definitely feel your struggle and pain about the SA stuff. It's hard, hard stuff. Hang in there!

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

Were your Pj's wonderwoman or winnie the pooh! im just glad you went no matter what you wore! and it sounds like Pdoc is a kind and caring person which is what you deserve.

I actually DO own Winnie the Pooh pjs. I'm such a big kid. But no, I showed up in stripes...

I love being a kid at times. but only sometimes. lol.

((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))

Slept uberly large amounts again today, helped... some more. I think. Anyways: I'll try to respond again appropriately later today. I'm rushing out now... one of my friends (the one sided relationship kind mostly) wants to do supper with me. I'm going because I really do need to eat.

[googley]

This doesn't have much to do with your original post. But I'm 26 and up until the last year or so (don't remember exactly when they wore out) I had Tweety Bird pjs.

I'm glad you are going to eat!

I hope you take care of yourself and feel better soon.

Don't worry about your age and dating. It will come when you are ready (at least that is what my T says).

((((((((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so glad you saw your pdoc and he was there for you. This stuff is so hard.

Be extra gentle with you.

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))

I'm sorry, I don't have much to offer atm except hugs. Sending many your way

[Tumnus]

Christina, I still find myself crying at church sometimes when a song triggers abandonment issues for me. I see nothing wrong with you falling apart over an appt. I think you are strong for continuing to deal with your "stuff" even when it feels like you're doing so alone. I had one of those boundary-setting conversations recently, too, and it really, really hurts. I feel for you.

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by sunrise

This sure sounds hard Christina. What does your therapist suggest as a way to deal with all of this? Do you two have a plan of attack?

Think of the different people in your family. Do you think that all of them would prefer not to know this? What if they did know--would any of them say "I wish I had known" or "thank you for telling me." Sometimes I think we worry too much about the fallout from our actions. If it is ruining your life because you are keeping this a secret from your family, then maybe you do need to tell at least some of your family members. Then let them handle it as they need to. Of course I don't know your situation at all, but it could be that family members would want to know, Christina, rather than live in ignorance with some abuser guy.

Sunrise - I don't know what the "plan of attack" is. I think my family is dysfunctional and can't deal with anymore issues. Maybe when I'm better able to deal with it myself. Unfortunately, he's got a lot of issues and my family has basically ignored them up to this point (his depression, controlling nature, and alcoholic problems for starters).

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Hi (cristina)

I have found that dealing with "everything else" as you call it is as healing, if not more so, than dealing with the actual "events" head on. I think this is because when we are abused it effects all aspects of our lives. I think you should just follow your heart and know that the rest will come when you are ready--and it sounds like that might be soon! In the meantime, maybe you can get a little "box" IRL. --- Like a shoebox or something and write down stuff and put it there to keep until you are ready. This way you can clear your body of the toxic nature of holding onto it.

Anyway--just some ideas. I think you are doing fabulous!

MissCharlotte - great idea I like the idea of having a box... I've got boxes for everything else in my life to keep things organized, this sounds like a good thing to do. I do think I need to deal with "everything else", but it kinda feels like I'm a ball of string, dealing with an issue just unravels something else and it seems rather... never ending.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Hey (((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))))))

Can you let your guard down enough to NOT "need to grow up"?

This stuff is hard. You are doing good work. It just sucks, there's no way around it. But you are doing it.

Treehouse - Ummmmmmmm... but everyone in my life constantly tells me to grow up. Mostly my family. I don't like my family and their abuse of me.

Growing up is hard. I'm 23, I don't feel grown up. I don't really always act like it either... letting my guard down, well that's a big hurdle all in itself...

Originally Posted by exoticflower

Christina,

You are WAY too hard on yourself! You will deal with stuff when you are ready to, even if it takes 5 more years. I think you will know when you are ready, there is no official timeline on how long things are suppose to take in therapy. I like what Treehouse says, she is so right on!

exoticflower - I don't think I can live another five years dealing with this... my finances wouldn't support it. I wish I had enough "control" to put it to a timeline, but you're right... I am definitely my hardest critic.

Originally Posted by skeksi

Like you, Christina, I get so frustrated with myself for not moving through things faster/better/whatever. It's another way to blame myself and not look at the abuse. It's not deliberate, it's like a fails-safe I have in place to protect myself. I agree with exotic, we deal with these things in our own time. I know I am taking much longer--years longer!--than I thought I would. But I also feel really good about being ble to take things at my own pace. That's never been allowed before.

Take care. You're doing the work even when you're not talking explicitly about the abuse. There are many, many layers to it, and a lot of it is outside stuff like home and work. You're working on the abuse, and when you're ready to talk about it directly, you will. Trust in yourself.

skeksi - Ahhhhh, the issue of blame. I really am good at blaming myself. So many layers of stuff to deal with, so little time??

Originally Posted by phoenix7

((((((((Christina86)))))))

T says the adult part of me has to turn up and help the child part - take over and stand up to the abuser - am trying to do this - you are travelling a hard road and it takes as long as it takes.

Its ok to hate the abuser - especially if you havnt allowed yourself to hate them before - jmo again but i think somtimes you have to acknowledge the anger and rage from the event to mprocess it and move past the fear into understanding and possible forgiveness.

Phoenix - "it takes as long as it takes". I like that. I'm stuck on the issue of hate... a lot. I don't like him, I do sometimes hate him. But it never sticks, because I get caught up in the issues of revenge, and forgiveness and all that mumbojumbo. Forgiveness is good? Necessary? I dunno.

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Christina,

I want you to know i read your post and would like to think about it some before responding. But i definitely feel your struggle and pain about the SA stuff. It's hard, hard stuff. Hang in there!

I took forever to think of appropriate responses to people here... things work out in their own time? I think so... at least sometimes. Whether or not I like it, of course.

Originally Posted by googley

Don't worry about your age and dating. It will come when you are ready (at least that is what my T says).

I like that from your T. I need to realize most stuff doesn't work on a schedule, even if I'd like it to because of my controlling tendencies.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you. A lot. More than words can say, thank you.

I still feel icky. Mostly because I think today was the 4th or 5th day without taking my antidepressant now. Oopsies. I forget. Mostly doesn't help either that I've slept in most mornings.

I did eat today. I did eat yesterday. I may only be eating once per day, but it's better than nothing at all, right?

I still want to hide in bed away from the world, and have been sleeping a lot more than I should be. But it's not the end of the world.

I'm waiting, ever so patiently, for my pdoc appt on Thursday.

Seems so far away.

And I've got a slight issue, a midterm exam on Monday that I haven't yet started studying for. It don't even know where to start.

If anyone needs me, I'll be sulking in my corner.

[Tumnus]

[quote=Christina86;1085887

If anyone needs me, I'll be sulking in my corner.[/quote]

(((((((((Christina))))))))

[phoenix7]

better move over cos theres a lot of us that will stand with you in that corner and Im a big bird ok !

with the study - just pick up one of your note books and start reading - hope you have a great time out with your friend and good luck wiht your exam and I hope pdoc appt comes soon

take care P7

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Christina86

(I'm sorry for those who actually read this. I can't say I MADE you read this - I didn't - but I still feel guilty. A lot of guilt drives Christina and her life)

I just found and read this -- the whole thread.

(Excuse me a moment. The following is addressed to your guilt, not to you):
--------------

--------------
(There; I'm back.)

I don't think you'd believe any of the following if I were to just tell you straight. If you're willing, perhaps you'll check your disbelief at the gate and join me in an alternate reality for a moment:

---------- Leaving everyday reality. Please watch your step. ----------

You're exactly where you should be (though you often don't like being there).

You're dealing with your issues in your own way, at your own pace (though from where you are, you're sure to be among the last to notice any progress).

It's inevitable that you're going to continue processing your issues while you wait for your next appointment.

You need to keep following your weird, taking care of yourself, and cutting yourself all the slack you need.

---------- Reentering everyday reality. Please watch your step. ----------
Don't forget to pick up your disbelief on your way out.

Thanks for sharing, Christina, good luck -- and for someone without any friends, you sure have a lot of friends!

[phoenix7]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((chrisitna)))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry about your friend - how is she?

and how are you?