Always Starting Over

I have kind of a weird question to ask. I've been seeing my t for several years now. And we've worked significantly on helping me develop trust and a secure relationship with her. There have been a few moments when i've truly felt a good connection and alot of trust. But here's the problem: I can't seem to get a sense of continuity. What i mean is that i can't seem to put together the individual sessions in order to create a feeling inside myself that this is, and has been, a continuous relationship of trust building over time. For some strange reason (particularly after a rupture but other times too), it feels like each session is it's own separate thing and the interactions of that session only belong to that day. Then, the following week, that session is separate. The relationship feels good or bad based on whatever happened at the most recent session. Somehow, i can't see the big picture. So i never do develop a secure attachment based on years worth of separate interactions that i should be able to combine to form a lasting connected relationship. It feels like we keep starting over again.

Does this make sense to anybody? Has anybody had this problem? What would cause this? It's very confusing to me.

Yes, peaches, it makes sense. I have tried to explain this to others, but mostly they don't get it.

This will seem outside of reality probably, but I read once a mathematical characterization for why this is true -- but again, no one listens to that.

Peaches - I was so surprised to see this thread!

Just now I read your reply to how-you-prepare and I was thinking that for me, the nervousness has a lot to do with the fact that I don't know what to expect. At least it seems I don't, but after all this time don't I know? and yet it seems as if we are always starting over.

Maybe I have a certain inability to put into words, or coherent thoughts , the things that i have learned since we started. There is so much that I COULD name, but there is a lot more I don't have words for.

T said, last time I saw her, that she feels we have a trusting relationship, and what came right out of me was, "I hope so." I know she has worked hard on it; and so have I; but trust is so long in coming, and it seems to be so fragile.
yes I think I know what you are feeling, at least some of it.

Very insightful Peaches. Are you going to bring this up with T?

Yes, I asked my t for an additional session this week because i am not doing very well. So i hope to bring it up today.

Wow, so well put...hmmm

What does a "secure attachment" looks like? Perhaps just being and going there. Maybe this is it!

What is a "lasting and connecting relationship"? Maybe this also is it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Feelings come and go, connection/commitment, for me, to a time and place with a certain individual who helps you may be all that it is. Ummm, sorry I gave it my best shot.

I am DD so I have these unrelated feelings happening all the time (or so it appears). But...the bigger picture for me is, the commitment of 8 or so years of therapy with the same person week after week, and in the beginning sometimes 2 X's a week for 2.5 hour sessions! That is a lasting and connecting relationship with a feeling of secure and sometimes not attachment/relationship.

Now, I can be on holiday for a month and feel secure that relationship is what I will go back to and will be there, waiting, like always. Maybe, in the first 7 years I could not have stated this sense of security but with all the hard work of the previous years I can (at least today *smile*)

Hope you get more likable answers.

Luv
Hunny

hi peach , yes it happening to me too,couldnt put it into words like u though. ivi

Hi Peaches, you are right on the money!!!!!! Even when I go for another session things seem disjointed.

((((((((((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))))))

Yes, totally. And it makes therapy so hard, doesn't it??? Always having to rebuild that trust from scratch.

JUST yesterday, I had an "a-ha" moment when I really FELT like T is there, and will be there, and will be the same week in and week out for as long as I need him. I don't know why it suddenly struck me like that.

He and I spent a lot of time Tuesday and today talking about this summer and how hard it was for both of us. It was like the world's longest therapeutic rupture COMBINED with this hard core trauma work. Ugh. I think the fact that somehow, some way, we came out of that, still together and still connected made me believe deeper down that it's real...he's there, and I can trust him.

The only reason I got to that point (which may or may not last!) is because in the middle of all of the crap, I just kept showing up. Just like you're doing. Sometimes I think that's all we can do. And I finally just let myself be vulnerable...I started saying exactly what I was thinking no matter how embarrassing it is, or how scary, or how unrelated to what is going on right then. I think when I kept myself shut off, I could never really truly connect and FEEL that T is there and he cares. I knew it intellectually most of the time, but without FEELING it, I just couldn't hang on to it.

I'm really glad you asked for an extra session...good for you. I hope you get what you need out of it. I know things have been really hard lately.

Lots of to you!

Hi Peaches,

I don't know anything about your history so forgive me if this is off the mark. There is a psychological term "object constancy" that might relate to what you are describing. Basically, when we are very young, we learn to hold an image of a parental figure in our mind even when they are not around, and this provides comfort and also the sense of continuity. Learning this depends on the parental figure being somewhat consistent, fairly responsive, and able to help us reconnect after there has been a disconnection. (Like one or the other person being angry, or even just absent)

If we don't experience those things, we can fail to learn that 'objects (ie attachment figures) remain constant over time. And that can result in what you seem to be describing...which is also my experience in all of my relationships, most especially that with my therapist. My hope though, (and in reading the other responses here I am encouraged!) is that I can gain enough experience of this consistency and reconnection in therapy to allow me to feel more continuity everywhere.

Hmmm...I would also add that I don't experience myself as very continuous...I live very much in response to others, as opposed to from within myself...so things get pretty disconnected.

sorry if this is too intellectual...I read a lot of psychology books looking for answers!

Bottom line...hang in there!!

Hi Hunny,

So are you saying that the secure relationship or attachment relationship is actually the process itself of meeting over time in a safe way? Rather than something to be achieved (an end result)? Sorry if i misunderstood. it's early, and i can be dense at times.

What a wonderful distinction. The process is much more superior to the end result for anything IMO!

Yes!

Maybe at the end of therapy I will then say: "It was something to achieve", but I'm not looking from that view point, as yet.

Peaches, your questions are thought provoking and bring a kind of clarity to the process.

Thanks,
Hunny

Peaches and Ripley you both have been able to describe how I feel about my relationship with my T. My T is great but each time I go I feel like I have ot work on trusting again and building the trust back. Sometimes I wonder if my T really understands why I get so nervous and anxious before I go and that I struggle to get started with my session. I think Ripley really explained it well if I understood what was said. All my life the most influencial people have not been consistent in my relationship with them. I never know if it is a time when I can trust that they will treat me with love and acceptance and I can trust them or they decide to "tear me apart" and dump me. That inconsistency has not allowed me to believe and trust that the realtionship will always be there. I look back at my relationships with others good and bad(esp my parents) and find that I am always waiting for it to end for them to leave me. That they will leave me because I am not worth it. Relationships seem so temporary even with those who treat me as a true friend and accept me for who I am. Will I ever feel secure in my relationships with others? I hope by going to therapy I will achieve tha t goal. Thanks for this thread and your insightful descriptions.

My T said last session that my experience with my mother when I was a child had worn a deep groove in my mind, and even when I sometimes manage to climb out of the groove, I tend to fall back in. Seemed like a valid way of putting it to me!

But if you keep climbing back out and understand the process and what happened better and better you will stay out of the groove for longer and longer periods until you don't fall back in anymore. (Analyzing how and why you fell back in and problem solving it).

Brilliant explanation!!!

Treehouse said,

He and I spent a lot of time Tuesday and today talking about this summer and how hard it was for both of us. It was like the world's longest therapeutic rupture COMBINED with this hard core trauma work. Ugh. I think the fact that somehow, some way, we came out of that, still together and still connected made me believe deeper down that it's real...he's there, and I can trust him.

I have noticed that when my t and i have a rupture and repair it, it does seem to bring us closer. But for some reason, at the next rupture, i am not able to comfort myself with the knowledge that we have the ability to "get past it" and that we actually have done that many times in the before. It is just. . .weird.

The only reason I got to that point (which may or may not last!) is because in the middle of all of the crap, I just kept showing up. Just like you're doing. Sometimes I think that's all we can do. And I finally just let myself be vulnerable...I started saying exactly what I was thinking no matter how embarrassing it is, or how scary, or how unrelated to what is going on right then.

I'm trying to be more open about how i feel with my t. I've always shared alot. But i have a very good "filter" also. There are things that i hold back from saying because i worry about how it will sound and/or that i will look bad or she will think bad of me. It's hard to work on things when I'm trying to be perfect and not make any mistakes! With some things, I need to just bite the bullet, trust, and say how i feel regardless of how it might sound or what the result is.

I think when I kept myself shut off, I could never really truly connect and FEEL that T is there and he cares. I knew it intellectually most of the time, but without FEELING it, I just couldn't hang on to it.

I get the "shut off" feeling alot. Unfortunately, it is usually after I've felt very connected to t. It's still scary for me. I've spent so much of my adult life being outwardly polite and helpful, while being inwardly aloof, not letting anyone become close to me. It's a safety thing. And no matter how accepting and encouraging and trustworthy my t is, there is always a part of me still testing the waters. . .is it safe? is it safe? how about now?

Ripley said,

There is a psychological term "object constancy" that might relate to what you are describing. Basically, when we are very young, we learn to hold an image of a parental figure in our mind even when they are not around, and this provides comfort and also the sense of continuity. Learning this depends on the parental figure being somewhat consistent, fairly responsive, and able to help us reconnect after there has been a disconnection. (Like one or the other person being angry, or even just absent)

If we don't experience those things, we can fail to learn that 'objects (ie attachment figures) remain constant over time. And that can result in what you seem to be describing...which is also my experience in all of my relationships, most especially that with my therapist. My hope though, (and in reading the other responses here I am encouraged!) is that I can gain enough experience of this consistency and reconnection in therapy to allow me to feel more continuity everywhere.

Ripley,

You are so right on with that description. On my t session this past week, we talked about the disconnected way i experience our sessions, and our relationship. She said exactly what you did: that it's a problem with object constancy. She also said that it's possible since i am dissociative that some of my self states were dissociated and not fully present in some of our sessions. so this would also add to the disconnected feeling.

my t is out of the office all week. but she offered (I still can't believe this!) to let me email her each day and she would reply!!! I've worked with her for a very long time and she has *never* offered that to me. I don't know if it was because of the disconnection problem, or if it was because i felt so bad about being ignored all session when i brought my h with me a couple of weeks ago. But she actually is letting me email each day, and so far, she has answered each day. This is making me feel encouraged and more connected. . .but also *guilty*. Because it feels too good to let myself have or something. . .

Hi Peaches,

I am glad your therapist is making it easier for you to stay connected...and glad you are letting that happen!

I didnt read through the replies on purpose just now before i respond to you. When I started my session today, my first words were "I feel like you forgot me." I often feel like the history I have with someone is as good as the last interaction I had with them. And since I the last time I saw my t was on monday (and today is thursday) I feel like she forgot me. She made a joke and said, "Whats your name again?" I have been coming like 3 or 4 times/wk with my husband, kids and my own individual all summer and this wk was only twice!

I feel like that with a lot of people, not just my t. To build history with someone, especially my t. I dont know what the key is b/c its a huge problem I have too, but maybe if you continue the following session to build on what you were talking about in the previous session it might help.

Now I will go read the insightful replies you got

Hmmm...I would also add that I don't experience myself as very continuous...I live very much in response to others, as opposed to from within myself...so things get pretty disconnected.

Thanks Ripley for saying this...yes....I experience that, too...

I've read that these are BPD traits. I used to do that a lot more than I do now. Now I see, for example, with my T, that the attachment is secure even if we argued or she didn't understand me during the last session or last phone call. A good relationship remains good even if something disturbs it momentarily. But I still struggle with this. That's why I have to "make it right" if something is off when I talk to my T. But I don't forget that she will always care about me.