[Dr.Muffin]

ive always wondered if people had a preference for what gender their therapist is and why they prefer one over the other. also, have you ever been told you should see a specific gendered therapist for specific reasons or to work through specific things?

ive only ever had female therapists and im not sure i could open up to a man. i know that i definitely have issues with men (absentee father and all) and intellectually, i could see how having a male therapist might be exactly what i need. but still, i hesitate.

on the other hand, i have a female friend who will only see a male therapist and cant ever see herself preferring a female.

thoughts?

[Indie'sOK]

I personally prefer a woman, just because I feel more at ease and am then able to discuss more "womanly" things if they ever come up. Dating, boyfriends, all that stuff.

My guy friend told me he prefers to see male therapists, possibly for the same reasons as I do, though he's never told me.

Interesting thread

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

ive always wondered if people had a preference for what gender their therapist is and why they prefer one over the other. also, have you ever been told you should see a specific gendered therapist for specific reasons or to work through specific things?

ive only ever had female therapists and im not sure i could open up to a man. i know that i definitely have issues with men (absentee father and all) and intellectually, i could see how having a male therapist might be exactly what i need. but still, i hesitate.

on the other hand, i have a female friend who will only see a male therapist and cant ever see herself preferring a female.

thoughts?

I'm glad you asked this question. I mentioned in my group therapy once that I absolutely would not want a female therapist...and I didn't know why. During an individual session with my male therapist, it was mentioned, but we didn't explore it due to lack of time - and then never got back to it.

Considering I have a history of child sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse to work through, I find that I'm having trouble broaching the sexual subjects with my male therapist. Yet, I don't want a female therapist! Is it that subconsciously I am trying to avoid the topic? Hmmm. I wonder.

It's certainly worth exploring.

[onlymedid]

I have had both male and female T's, but I prefer female because there are things I do not feel comfortable talking to male T's about. With a history of physical, mental and CSA, I have a lot of...issues that I couldn't fathom talking to a male T about.

[Dr.Muffin]

mixed, it could be that for both of us! i can talk about my history and stuff with a woman, but i have zero trust when it comes to men! i have this feeling like i would have to always be "on" and couldnt relax. couldnt show up for sessions in my sweat pants and a scarf on my head because i would inevitably be trying to impress him. and then i would inevitably fall in "love" with him and it would be nothing but drama!

this could all be a scary story i tell myself to prevent me from getting into the things i need to get into.

I can only see myself with a female therapist, and somewhat older than me, for various reasons - discussing female issues, as I've had a lot of female-specific health problems; and I'm realizing now also because I've always been looking for that alter-mother, to fill needs that my mother didn't meet. My T is fully aware of this! Interestingly enough, my brother also only wanted a female therapist, but he wanted someone who was closer to our age, almost like another sister. He found a great T and had much success with her.

[possum220]

I have had both male and female T's.

I find the best T for me, (regardless of gender) is the one that I have been able to connect with and feel safe.

Currently I have a male T.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Considering I have a history of child sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse to work through, I find that I'm having trouble broaching the sexual subjects with my male therapist. Yet, I don't want a female therapist!

This has been my experience as well. Though my male therapist terrifies me at a certain level, I can't say whether that's his gender or just because he's another human being. I sought out a male therapist and I can't see myself with a female therapist, but I don't understand why. Maybe because I have anger at my mom about not stopping the abuse?

[deliquesce]

the only therapists i've connected to have been male. despite my history of csa, physical abuse blah blah blah. i try to avoid females Ts, actually. it's the idea that they won't be emotionally available.

i tell many gory details to pdoc. he knows every miniscule detail about my periods, poor guy. old-T and i bonded over my possible bowel cancer thingy, and the tests i had to go through to rule it out. pdoc knows about the csa and has been very respectful and gentle about it. there are some things he said he wanted to know, but the rest is up to me to tell him if i want. i dont like sharing stuff like that (to anyone, regardless of gender), so i won't tell him. but if i had to tell someone it would be pdoc and i know he would be good with it too. part of my problem is in translating it from kid-language to adult-language, but he's been nice about that and modelled it for me and so it feels ok to use some of those words now.

[velcro003]

I have a female T, and couldn't imagine having a male. I sought out female. I think it is because I have sexuality issues that I couldn't imagine talking with a male about---but I don't talk about it with my T, nor can I imagine right now...sooo...who knows.

[jexa]

I've had male and female therapists, and I absolutely prefer females. I always have trouble with eye contact in therapy.. I literally spend about 90% of the session with male T's looking at the floor, my shoes, my hands, etc. With females, I can eventually feel comfortable enough to keep reasonable eye contact throughout sessions.. although it depends. If the relationship isn't very good, it's doubtful I'll ever make good eye contact, regardless of therapist gender.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

mixed, it could be that for both of us! i can talk about my history and stuff with a woman, but i have zero trust when it comes to men! i have this feeling like i would have to always be "on" and couldnt relax. couldnt show up for sessions in my sweat pants and a scarf on my head because i would inevitably be trying to impress him. and then i would inevitably fall in "love" with him and it would be nothing but drama!

this could all be a scary story i tell myself to prevent me from getting into the things i need to get into.

This is exactly how I feel. I couldnt relax enough with a male t b/c I would sexualize our relationship and all interactions. Now, that said, I feel like you do- if could talk to a male therapist and work through my issues sexualizing my relationships with men and feel trust and safety it would be a huge step towards healing that part of me. I feel more relaxed with a female therapist, but I also feel on-edge and "on" as you put it. With a male therapist somehow I might not. Or I might. NOt sure about that. But I have mother issues in that I also look for that alter-mother to please. As far as an alter-father, I never experienced my father being terribly nurturing b/c of csa but I might feel more comfortable in that sexualized role.

OK- this even sounds confusing to me. But I am choosing/interviewing female ts ONLY b/c I had a sexual relationship with my male therapist a long time ago and I would never ever trust myself or a male therapist ever, ever again. I wonder how I would work on this in therapy with a female t. We talked about this quite a bit with my current t. But I dont feel any safer with a male therapist than I did before our conversations. I just dont blame myself as much as I did before. Maybe it would be healing to try a male t again, but Im not anywhere near that brave. I'll just stay comfortable in my avoidant coping style....

I find myself more comfortable around male T's, but then again I could have just had a few really crappy female ones throughout the course of my young life.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

This is exactly how I feel. I couldnt relax enough with a male t b/c I would sexualize our relationship and all interactions. Now, that said, I feel like you do- if could talk to a male therapist and work through my issues sexualizing my relationships with men and feel trust and safety it would be a huge step towards healing that part of me. I feel more relaxed with a female therapist, but I also feel on-edge and "on" as you put it. With a male therapist somehow I might not. Or I might. NOt sure about that. But I have mother issues in that I also look for that alter-mother to please. As far as an alter-father, I never experienced my father being terribly nurturing b/c of csa but I might feel more comfortable in that sexualized role.

OK- this even sounds confusing to me. But I am choosing/interviewing female ts ONLY b/c I had a sexual relationship with my male therapist a long time ago and I would never ever trust myself or a male therapist ever, ever again. I wonder how I would work on this in therapy with a female t. We talked about this quite a bit with my current t. But I dont feel any safer with a male therapist than I did before our conversations. I just dont blame myself as much as I did before. Maybe it would be healing to try a male t again, but Im not anywhere near that brave. I'll just stay comfortable in my avoidant coping style....

i think that if you could find a male therapist you trusted, the work you could do (especially around the sexual relationship with former therapist) would be amazing. i feel that same way about myself. i have a lot of long-standing issues with men that i need to work through. and maybe it will take working with a female therapist until i am ready to take the plunge with a male and really get into it.

i dont think that it cant be done with a female. i just know the power of the relationship in therapy, the power of transference, and the need to explore all of that in the context of therapy. i know it would help my relationships so much to do that with a male therapist. its just that right now, that is scary as hell to me. i mean the only male doctor ive ever had was my endocrinologist and i hated him! lol

i'm much more comfortable with women and i've always had female Ts except for a coach/counselor i worked with briefly. he was actually very helpful but realized he really wasn't supposed to be doing counseling, even though he was the one who suggested it, and then suddenly dumped me and all his other counseling clients. yeesh. i had called for coaching. i had started developing erotic transference (et) with him and didn't know what in the heck that was at the time. now i've got the dreaded et with my friend i help out spiritually. i think i'll stick with women Ts for now since one et at a time is plenty.

[jacq10]

Female - definitely female.
I think it would take some sort of super-male for me to be able to open up to him.... there has only been one sort of male "figure" in my life I can even conceivably think about talking with, and I have yet to meet another like him.

[crystalrose]

i have seen male doctors and felt comfortable, however i have only got a female therapist and female pdoc. I don't know if i would feel ok with a male therapist.i think it would be ok.

[Brightheart]

I talked briefly online (once or twice) with a female therapist who was pretty unsympathetic to my concerns. I wanted a male, maybe because of some things that had happened in my past. I think I needed to know and believe that there were gentle and caring men out there. There were also some really sensitive things that I wanted to discuss that were extremely awkward to be discussing with a male, but I seemed to want the challenge of that.

Of course I fell in love with him and there has been the ensuing drama of that...but I honestly feel in the end that having that happen ended up being the most healing thing of all. I wouldn't change a thing.

[fallenangel337]

I originally started out therapy with a male T, but then things got too uncomfortable, and I didn't feel like I was making progress, so my pdoc at the time suggested that I might consider seeing a female T. He knew of one in particular that he thought I would really like, so he mentioned the thought to my previous T. We discussed it, and I switched to a female (my current) T. I have not regretted it for a second, and I'm so glad I switched. Things have been SO much more comfortable to discuss with her. Considering a bunch of issues involving sexuality and sexual trauma have surfaced, I'm so glad I'm seeing her, because I know I would not be able to work through this stuff with a male.

I can't see myself seeing a male T again. There's nothing wrong with them, but I'm just generally more comfortable with someone of my own gender.

However, my pdoc is male...my old one was, and my new one is as well. That really doesn't bother me because we don't get into deep issues. He just asks me how I'm doing, writes me a rx, then I go on about my day.

My T is male. I defintely sought out a male T - the thought of seeing a female is really, REALLY scary to me. I can't imagine a female T liking me

My mom was my main abuser throughout my life, and when my dad was home (he was out of town a lot) she couldn't abuse me. So, it felt SAFE when he was there. I'm sure that's why I picked out a male T.

On the other hand, I have a history of CSA (with a male family "friend") and rape and a sexual relationship with my youth minister who "counseled" me in high school. So, there are plenty of issues that make a man scary too.

I DO think that being with this man who loves me AND respects me...who absolutely understands and respects boundaries...has been super, super healing. I think it really is just what I need to recover from all of the various sexual traumas of my past.

When I started seeing T, I thought I might see a man for a while and then switch to a female to deal with the mom stuff. Now I can't imagine leaving him!

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

i think that if you could find a male therapist you trusted, the work you could do (especially around the sexual relationship with former therapist) would be amazing. i feel that same way about myself. i have a lot of long-standing issues with men that i need to work through. and maybe it will take working with a female therapist until i am ready to take the plunge with a male and really get into it.

i dont think that it cant be done with a female. i just know the power of the relationship in therapy, the power of transference, and the need to explore all of that in the context of therapy. i know it would help my relationships so much to do that with a male therapist. its just that right now, that is scary as hell to me. i mean the only male doctor ive ever had was my endocrinologist and i hated him! lol

Dr M- That is exactly how I feel. Until I am ready to take the plunge, I cant do it. Too scary. It could be that you need you work on the fear with your current t until you are less scared and then take the plunge. I feel the same. I also dont see how it can be done with a female t. I have had a lot of healing in my relationship with my husband, but that has taken many years. He's a tolerant and patient guy.

I also have an endocrinologist....at first I was wary, but he is as old as the hills and funny as hell. So, Im comfortable. I was NOT comfortable with my male urologist when I had a UTI that wouldnt go away. He was kind, sweet and wonderful, but I didnt want him near me! Anyway, he cured that dern UTI.

As far as healing my feelings about my previous therapist- I dont know what can be done there. I have come to the point where I feel less responsible and maybe he shouldnt have done what he did (he was much older than me) but I wanted the relationship to go that way. My t has explained to me many times about the t/client relationship and this relationship was exploitive. I sort of get it. I was just very willing. And he helped me in many ways.

Anyway, I dont push myself to work with a male t and I can see you dont either- at this point it wouldnt be productive.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

ive always wondered if people had a preference for what gender their therapist is and why they prefer one over the other. also, have you ever been told you should see a specific gendered therapist for specific reasons or to work through specific things?

ive only ever had female therapists and im not sure i could open up to a man. i know that i definitely have issues with men (absentee father and all) and intellectually, i could see how having a male therapist might be exactly what i need. but still, i hesitate.

on the other hand, i have a female friend who will only see a male therapist and cant ever see herself preferring a female.

thoughts?

Interesting questions. Speaking for myself...I am female and could not see a female therapist, pdoc, even family doctor. All of my doctors for everything are men. I don't trust women because my mother never gave me any nurturing. Men on the other hand, they can fill the father void that I have always wanted and never got. I tried 3 female therapist and didn't like any of them, I felt they were judging me. My T and pdoc are both men and love them. They are great and are so kind, and I don't get the judgemental feelings from them. I can open up with so much ease when I am with them. This is very interesting since all the people that sexually abused me were men. Go figure. I guess my dislike for women is so much more great?

[Confused_1982]

I have only ever had male Ts. I avoid women Ts completely. Maybe its something to do with my trying to find the perfect father figure... I dont know, but I definitely feel more comfortable with a man, even talking about womens things.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

Interesting questions. Speaking for myself...I am female and could not see a female therapist, pdoc, even family doctor. All of my doctors for everything are men. I don't trust women because my mother never gave me any nurturing. Men on the other hand, they can fill the father void that I have always wanted and never got. I tried 3 female therapist and didn't like any of them, I felt they were judging me. My T and pdoc are both men and love them. They are great and are so kind, and I don't get the judgemental feelings from them. I can open up with so much ease when I am with them. This is very interesting since all the people that sexually abused me were men. Go figure. I guess my dislike for women is so much more great?

it could be. my mother and i have been inseperable since i was born! our relationship is definitely not perfect, but i never felt in need of love or nurturing from her. my father on the other hand...i have few happy memories of him, and the bad ones stick out more. he and most of his side of the family were, well, an unsavory bunch. they never liked my mother and were mean to me for as long as i can remember. i have a strong dislike for my father probably in a similar way to how you feel about your mother. and maybe thats why we feel more comfortable therapists who are of the opposite sex of that disliked parent.

i find it interesting though. up until i went to grad school my primary friend pool has been guys. from grade school on up through college my closest friends have been male. the nature of the field im in and the program i am in is such that women vastly outnumber men, and i was forced to consider that not all women suck! lol...ive always been a "man's woman" (to quote seinfeld) and its taken a long time for me to form close-ish relationships with females...but its good so far!

[_embrace]

I've had a male T and a female T, and I think they both had/have their strengths and weaknesses. At first I was hesitant to see a female T because I thought that she would remind me of my mom (one of the reasons I sought therapy in the first place) and at times she did, but she also made a conscious effort to keep the "mom" energy out of the room, so it did work for me for awhile.

I like male T better though. I find it hard to open up to ANYONE (some trust issues) but I am fairly comfortable with him. We've talked about sex and other things of that nature, and it tends to be a bit awkward, but okay. I think I just find sex an awkward topic, and would probably react the same with a female T.