[BlueMoon6]

I had lunch with a friend today, this was the friend who's t I cancelled She didnt care.

She suggested another reason I dont want to go see my t. I want my t to think I am doing OK. But she will see Im not doing so well with food and that I am trying to hide under a long sweater- which I will do. And she will know I am doing that. And she will start a conversation about being in the hospital and/or rehab. I dont feel strong enough for an argument with her. I have lost more weight and I look like it- especially since I havent seen her in a couple of weeks now.

That is a huge concern. I dont want to talk about this issue with her anymore. She gives me strictly behavioral solutions to a deeper problem. I cant listen to her solutions to this anymore. It makes me feel worse. I know I dont have to talk about anything I dont want to, but I dont want to go there or have to say so. And she will say this is why I would be leaving her.

Very insightful of my friend....sometimes I know something is true but it doesnt enter my consciousness until someone else says it.

[sunrise]

I want my t to think I am doing OK.

Well, maybe by the time you go see your old T for a closure session, you may be doing better and have gained weight. You never know. If you can let that help motivate you, then great. If you have lost weight when you see her, then you can use that as a positive--you recognize what you are doing now isn't helping, so you are seeing an ED specialist. You are taking responsibility and trying to get help.

If you do go see your T again, be sure to say at the outset that it will be your last session. I don't think it wise to do "therapy" for half of the session and then tell her you are leaving only towards the end. If you do tell her and then she does try to give you unwanted advice on your ED, you could thank her nicely for her concern ("I know you care, but...") and reassure her that you are seeing a specialist in EDs now and you think her approach will really be helpful, and then say, "but we don't need to talk about that; as I said, this will be our last session and..." and turn the discussion to closure. When my daughter and I ended therapy with our family counselor, we told him fairly early in the session, and he didn't keep trying to do therapy with us, he turned to the closure. Hopefully, your T won't be so dense to keep doing therapy when you are there to tell her good-bye.

I dont want to talk about this issue with her anymore.

You don't have to. You won't be doing therapy anymore with her.

Bluemoon, it sounds like you're looking for reasons to not see your therapist for closure. If you don't want to see her, you don't have to. But yet the way you went and cried outside the window to her office--it seems like closure might be helpful.

[deliquesce]

have you decided you will be having a closure session with old-T, bluemoon?

jmo, but when someone is toxic and simply not working for us, a closure session might actually hurt more than it heals. if she couldn't give you what you needed whilst you were her client, then i would doubt whether she could provide proper closure and a sense of ease about terminating also.

i would wonder if maybe writing her a letter would be a safer option - you could express your thanks for all the things she has done for you (because, as you've mentioned, she really did help in her own way), but you would also be protecting yourself from your expectations/desires of what a closure session would be like.

i dont know. maybe i am projecting too much of my own experience onto this. my old-T always told me i didnt have to return if i didnt want to, and that he had other clients he could see instead, so when i finally did tell him i was not returning he just looked surprised and said that was my choice and good luck.

i have cried about him many times since, and i think i do need a closure of sorts. but i will probably bring it up with my new T (austin!) because i just dont think old-T could provide what i needed from him - some sort of emotional connection and acknowledgement of what we did achieve together.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Well, maybe by the time you go see your old T for a closure session, you may be doing better and have gained weight. You never know. If you can let that help motivate you, then great. If you have lost weight when you see her, then you can use that as a positive--you recognize what you are doing now isn't helping, so you are seeing an ED specialist. You are taking responsibility and trying to get help.

That is a very good way to look at it and to say it to her if it comes to that. I posted that earlier and, for some reason, I felt so so SO much better after posting it. I had dinner, not real big, but a meal. I felt physically better and I suspect it was from posting. I am not sure how or why I could have dinner and not pick at wierd food, but I ate dinner with my family. I feel slightly off, like I shouldnt have done it, but now I feel like its OK and I will just let it go. It does seem like if I get some good therapy with ftt, my food could really improve.

If you do go see your T again, be sure to say at the outset that it will be your last session.

This makes me so sad. I cant even think about this. Even though I want to leave, the thought of never coming back to see her, even though I dont want to see her, makes me so sad I cant even bear to think about it. I feel 2 opposite ways at the same time. Uh..."I hate you dont leave me......"

I don't think it wise to do "therapy" for half of the session and then tell her you are leaving only towards the end. If you do tell her and then she does try to give you unwanted advice on your ED, you could thank her nicely for her concern ("I know you care, but...") and reassure her that you are seeing a specialist in EDs now and you think her approach will really be helpful, and then say, "but we don't need to talk about that; as I said, this will be our last session and..." and turn the discussion to closure. When my daughter and I ended therapy with our family counselor, we told him fairly early in the session, and he didn't keep trying to do therapy with us, he turned to the closure. Hopefully, your T won't be so dense to keep doing therapy when you are there to tell her good-bye.

It sounds so good- if I were at that point Id probably say something along those lines. I will print this post and keep it. I imagine I would have to have a few sessons with ftt to really be able to go there and do this.

I dont think she will be dense. I think she might be silent and blank wall-ish the entire session. Very fristrating for me, which I guess is the point of it all, but I dont mean that in a good way.

You don't have to. You won't be doing therapy anymore with her.

I want to leave, but the thought of leaving is so horrible to me. I could even get obsessed with her once I leave! What a nutcase I am!

Bluemoon, it sounds like you're looking for reasons to not see your therapist for closure.

You bet I am! I dont want to do this at all.

If you don't want to see her, you don't have to. But yet the way you went and cried outside the window to her office--it seems like closure might be helpful.

I know, thanks Sunrise. I think you get the picture. It really is the I hate you dont leave me thing. My feelings that I dont like/want to be there but I cant leave her and I dont want to feel any abondonment feelings is so powerful I cant even go there, I cant bear it and I cant do this! It feels too painful.

I think in the end I will go, but I am going to have to talk to ftt and post here a lot. I hope I dont annoy eveyone to death with my desk t ramblings

[BlueMoon6]

[quote=deliquesce;1149106]have you decided you will be having a closure session with old-T, bluemoon?[quote]

I havent decided if I will see her or not. I dont have a clear enough idea of what I would say or how I would handle the possible ways she could react. And no matter how she reacts, I will cry and cry and be more sad than I can say. Even though she was rough and mean.

jmo, but when someone is toxic and simply not working for us, a closure session might actually hurt more than it heals. if she couldn't give you what you needed whilst you were her client, then i would doubt whether she could provide proper closure and a sense of ease about terminating also.

That is a very strong possibility and the main reason I wouldnt go. I could leave there needing a lot of help afterward. Where would I get help? I would have to be in contact with ftt. She (desk t) might even try to give me a sense of ease, but what would make her suddenly warm and make me feel like she cares and I am always welcome back? She isnt going to turn into someone else So, what you are saying is very true- she isnt going to provide what I want from her. I would have to go in there much stronger than I feel and understand why I am going and it doesnt much matter what she says or does. I am so not that much of a grown up to do that! What would be the point?

i would wonder if maybe writing her a letter would be a safer option - you could express your thanks for all the things she has done for you (because, as you've mentioned, she really did help in her own way), but you would also be protecting yourself from your expectations/desires of what a closure session would be like.

That might work. And it would protect me from horrible last memories of a closure session. If I have a horrible session, the memory of it will plague me. I am awful that way. I will then just have to get enough time away from it to fade from my memory. UGH! That does not appeal to me. A letter might be a good idea- I can tel her how I feel, but get no response from her. I also thought of a phone call. She MIGHT be better on the phone. I seriously dont think Id say as much as I would in person, but at least Id say something.

i dont know. maybe i am projecting too much of my own experience onto this. my old-T always told me i didnt have to return if i didnt want to, and that he had other clients he could see instead, so when i finally did tell him i was not returning he just looked surprised and said that was my choice and good luck.

OUCH! That sounds very painful. Like, OK, bye, you were just one face in a sea of faces in my office, good luck. If it were me, Id be very upset about that and it would be on my mind for a long time.

i have cried about him many times since, and i think i do need a closure of sorts. but i will probably bring it up with my new T (austin!) because i just dont think old-T could provide what i needed from him - some sort of emotional connection and acknowledgement of what we did achieve together.

I can imagine how sad and hurt you must have felt. So painfully hurt. Dismissed as if you didnt matter. And then you dont see him again. I can imagine how you cried and cried. I want to cry just reading about it. When I feel that sad about someting like this,I get a feeling like there is a hole in my chest and it hurts so badly.

Leaving your our old-t sounds very similar to what is going on now with desk t. The emotonal connection is barely there- for me it is big, for her, it is either not there, or she wont show it to me. I need it from her, but she isnt giving it. I am glad you are talking about it with austin-t. What else can you do? Is he helpful with it? What did he say or tell you to do? Did you (Im sure you did) bring it up with pdoc?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I posted that earlier and, for some reason, I felt so so SO much better after posting it. I had dinner, not real big, but a meal. I felt physically better and I suspect it was from posting. I am not sure how or why I could have dinner and not pick at wierd food, but I ate dinner with my family. I feel slightly off, like I shouldnt have done it, but now I feel like its OK and I will just let it go. It does seem like if I get some good therapy with ftt, my food could really improve.

Yah!!!!!!!!

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks Sannah!

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Yah!!!!!!!!

i second that emotion! *woot*

((((((((blue))))))) i am so not calling you bm!

i know everyone is different so it sounds like you need to find what would work the best for you. if it were me i'd do a phone call or letter but that is because i abhor confrontation. a letter, even if you don't send it, can really help you figure out what you want to say as well. but then you have to think if it would be harder for you to send it and not get any response. would that drive you nuts? a phone call might be a good compromise so you're able to get feedback but it will most likely be fairly brief so she won't be able to affect you as much if she's acting like a big poop in the sky.

it's totally okay to still care for her but not want her as your t. i think that is just how relationships are--a mix of good and bad. and it's ok to be sad about it ending and grieve the loss of what you had hoped for that she didn't know how to provide. isn't that really all we can do and then move on? it seems like you've learned a lot from this experience too. it has made you really seek out what you do need rather than accept just crumbs from another t. i guess that is what it takes for many of us to change sometimes. i am so that way and it drives me nuts.

[rainbow8]

hi, Bluemoon. I just want to say I understand the conflicting emotions you are having about desk t. I think you will gain much from discussing these feelings with ftt. I can feel your pain because I also have such difficulties leaving people.

[Brightheart]

I can only imagine what newbies to the board must be thinking when they see "ftt", "desk t" . These Ts need nicknames, lol. Just plain T is boring.

I'm glad you're feeling better, Blue.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Brightheart

I can only imagine what newbies to the board must be thinking when they see "ftt", "desk t" .

LOL, I can just imagine someone new asking "what does ftt stand for?" and the reply being "flat tire therapist." Well that explains everything!

[BlueMoon6]

[quote=bloom3;1150179]((((((((blue))))))) i am so not calling you bm! [quote]

OK, but Im sure there will be some days when it will fit.......

i know everyone is different so it sounds like you need to find what would work the best for you. if it were me i'd do a phone call or letter but that is because i abhor confrontation. a letter, even if you don't send it, can really help you figure out what you want to say as well. but then you have to think if it would be harder for you to send it and not get any response. would that drive you nuts?

It might be a good idea to write it even if I dont intend on sending it. To figure out what I would say.

The truth is, I had a lousy day, my kids were cranky, everyone was demanding a piece of me and when I got home my h was all over me about something I thought he should just leave me alone about. It made me feel like he doesnt care about me either. No one cares- its just about what I can do for everyone else. A lot of days are like that but today was really bad. And I was thinking about how my t (desk t) really understood me about what goes on in the house and with h. She is always on my side. I wanted to see her, talk with her and complain to her. She understands who my h is. The thought of saying goodbye to her makes me want to hide and not do this. On the other hand, she cant help me with the other issues. I feel depressed.

a phone call might be a good compromise so you're able to get feedback but it will most likely be fairly brief so she won't be able to affect you as much if she's acting like a big poop in the sky.

She really can act like a big poop in the sky. And she might even act poop-like if I complain about my h and kids (who I didnt set firm enough boundries with and so she will blame it all on me.....saying"(my name) it is ALL YOUR FAULT, you dont have any boundries."

I cant imagine seeing her...and I cant imagine not seeing her......Im in a lousy mood.....my h can do that. My mood will change fromone minute to the next depending on his mood and now I have no t to talk to. Is there a husband complaint board on PC?

it's totally okay to still care for her but not want her as your t. i think that is just how relationships are--a mix of good and bad. and it's ok to be sad about it ending and grieve the loss of what you had hoped for that she didn't know how to provide. isn't that really all we can do and then move on? it seems like you've learned a lot from this experience too. it has made you really seek out what you do need rather than accept just crumbs from another t. i guess that is what it takes for many of us to change sometimes. i am so that way and it drives me nuts.

I guess, Bloom, you have said it all right there. There is good and bad with her. I am so grieving the loss of who I want her to be. What I really want is for her to call me with caring in her voice and not talk to me about her schedule and holding appointments. I want her to ask me why I am not coming in and to ask me how things are. But she wont. I cant seek out these crumbs from her. I do like ftt. I wish we had an established relationship already. I need a caring t. And I need it today

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

hi, Bluemoon. I just want to say I understand the conflicting emotions you are having about desk t. I think you will gain much from discussing these feelings with ftt. I can feel your pain because I also have such difficulties leaving people.

I know you understand Rainbow and I know you have the same difficulties leaving people. I will bring it up to ftt.

The feelings I have about leaving her feel overwhelming. I wish these kinds of feelings could just roll off my back and I could handle sadness and separation like a grown up. I feel like a clinging little girl. I cant let go. I am so afraid to feel like I miss her and want her. The thought of those feelings makes me unable to make an appointment, write a letter to her or call her. I dont want it all to be final and over.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by sunrise

LOL, I can just imagine someone new asking "what does ftt stand for?" and the reply being "flat tire therapist." Well that explains everything!

LOL! It does say it all, doesnt it. And desk-t....a newbie should never have to have the experience of a t behind a DESK! May all their t's be in front of them in CHAIRS!

(((((((((((((((blue)))))))))))))))

i am sorry you're having such a bad day. even if you don't have t right now we are here, so you can share with us about whatever is going on.

[deliquesce]

i will admit i have had one or two pms from lovely & concerned individuals who have wanted to make sure (for my sake) that Austin-the-gay-pornstar-T really isn't involved in the production of porn.

i feel so embarrassed that i've contributed to that confusion.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i will admit i have had one or two pms from lovely & concerned individuals who have wanted to make sure (for my sake) that Austin-the-gay-pornstar-T really isn't involved in the production of porn.

i feel so embarrassed that i've contributed to that confusion.

Am I allowed to laugh? I could really use a good laugh today!

Im sorry if this is somehow the incorrect thing to do......

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I am so afraid to feel like I miss her and want her. The thought of those feelings makes me unable to make an appointment, write a letter to her or call her. I dont want it all to be final and over.

And that is why you don't have to do ANYTHING just yet. You've canceled your upcoming appointments with desk T, you have an appointment scheduled wtih ftt - can you just let things flow, and not force yourself to do anything right now? Everything is fine how it is right at this moment. Once you start with ftt, how you want to handle desk t will probably become more clear to you.

I had a teacher T last winter (for meditation) and it ended BADly. ack. Even my T was involved. BLAH! Anyhow, I talked to my T about it a lot and was 99% positive I didn't want to work with teacher T anymore. He really wanted me to have one last session with her for closure, but I wasn't sure I wanted to. And I thought about writing a letter, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Somehow, I just couldn't close that door. Finally, time went by, and she kind of faded from my thoughts, and the whole thing was just OVER without me doing ANYTHING. And I feel fine about it now- when I think about it, I don't feel like there are loose ends, or like there's no closure. I just moved on.

Can you not worry right now about how (or even if) you will end it with desk T? I think things will start to fall into place when your sessions with ftt finally start. I wish your session could have been THIS week!

Remember...you're supposed to be baking cookies and listening to music this week!

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by treehouse

And that is why you don't have to do ANYTHING just yet. You've canceled your upcoming appointments with desk T, you have an appointment scheduled wtih ftt - can you just let things flow, and not force yourself to do anything right now? Everything is fine how it is right at this moment. Once you start with ftt, how you want to handle desk t will probably become more clear to you.

Breeeeeethe......ahhhhh....that feels good.....no decisions to make.......

Wait! I have 1 more appt scheduled with desk-t. It is monday (not the 5th, the following monday, whatever date that is). I have some time to decide.

I had a teacher T last winter (for meditation) and it ended BADly. ack. Even my T was involved. BLAH! Anyhow, I talked to my T about it a lot and was 99% positive I didn't want to work with teacher T anymore. He really wanted me to have one last session with her for closure, but I wasn't sure I wanted to. And I thought about writing a letter, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Somehow, I just couldn't close that door. Finally, time went by, and she kind of faded from my thoughts, and the whole thing was just OVER without me doing ANYTHING. And I feel fine about it now- when I think about it, I don't feel like there are loose ends, or like there's no closure. I just moved on.

That is very interesting. In the moment of those feelings it all seems bigger than life, and we have to decide to do something or not do it. Then it fades and sitting in the moment without making a decision for or against was the right thing to do. It took care of itself. I cant say that after all I have been through that in the end just leaving would be the right thing to do, but I am sure you are right about now. I do not have to make a decision now.

How long were you with the meditation teacher? A long time?

Can you not worry right now about how (or even if) you will end it with desk T? I think things will start to fall into place when your sessions with ftt finally start. I wish your session could have been THIS week!

I can do that. I really can. You are 100% right. When the sessions begine with ftt I think things will fall into place. I may even ask her for some extra sessions. It might jump start my relationship with her and I may feel comfortable sooner. And I have so much to work on.

I also wish I could have started this week, but for some reason that was not meant to be.

Remember...you're supposed to be baking cookies and listening to music this week!

OMG! Off to do cookies and music!