Afraid to tell T.....(warning: SI mentioned)

During my last T session, I mentioned to T that I have been totally overusing my migraine meds....and some of the reasoning over the last couple of weeks was to numb. He is also aware that I am on Lexapro and Klonopin.

He feels that now that the storm is passing, with my divorce being finalized, I need to put a time limit on that because it should be smooth sailing going forward.

Well, today, I had a total meltdown. My daughter was with her dad, and I discovered that our freezer downstairs was not running due to the plug being slightly out. Everything thawed completely, and is destroyed as I predict that this happened about a week ago.

Of all the things that triggered a meltdown, I didn't think this would be it. But it did.

Several weeks ago, we had a major ant problem in the kitchen and I had to throw out almost ALL of our food in the cabinets. I was so upset, but I dealt with it.

Then, I found out that my insurance was not going to be covering my T sessions from July onwards, so I had to shell out nearly $800 to cover the uncovered portion, and now my weekly T cost is much higher until the end of the year. I dealt with that.

Then, I found out that my cat had been peeing on my beautiful downstairs carpet, and the downstairs smells sooooo bad. I am taking steps to deal with it and hopefully will be able to preserve the carpet - otherwise I'm looking at recarpeting the entire downstairs.

Then, my refinance was finalized and we realized that we did not estimate the borrowing amount high enough to cover the payoff of my existing mortgage and the settlement to my EX....so I had to shell out, unexpectedly, just over $2000.

All of these things were upsetting - but I kinda chalked it up to "oh well, that's life - deal with it"....and I managed.

Yet, when I found out that all the food in my freezer is destroyed, I totally lost it...I started sobbing....and then the anxiety hit me....and then the urge to SI, which I haven't had for quite a while (since I disclosed to my T about the physical abuse I endured as a child and the CSA)....To fight off the urge, I started doing some physical activities, listened to some loud music, etc. And the urge just kept getting stronger. Finally, I resorted to medication.

I guess the divorce, the depression, the finances, the overwhelming responsibilities, etc. are just getting to me....

Anyway, I'm afraid to tell T all this stuff, because I have full custody now of my daughter - and I don't want to risk being told I am an unfit mother. My daughter means the world to me, and we have a WONDERFUL relationship. I take very good care of her, show her affection all the time....

Should I be worried to tell T?

Well...Your T will not like it, of course, but I don't think most Ts would report that sort of thing. Only if taking the medication caused a risk to your daughter in any way -- and you said she was at her dad's at the time, right? So it was something you did on your own, without putting anyone at risk. You know your T better than the rest of us -- but I know I wouldn't worry about telling my T about it.

edit: Also, wow, that is SO much misfortune all at once! I'm so sorry! (((((((((MUE)))))))))

((((((((((MUE)))))))

I am so sorry that all of this is going on. I cannot tell you how much I relate to everything you have said. All of the "house" problems, unexpected money things, baby peeing on the mattresses, clearing out the cabinets etc and the final straw ending in SI feelings and meds. I HAVE to say, I dont know what state you live in, but you have to be doing A LOT worse than a meltdown and SI feelings for a mother to legally lose her child. I cannot imagine a therapist, and you sound like youve got a pretty good one, would tell you that losing your child would be the next step and you are not fit! Your honesty and abiilty to get good help makes you an EXCELLENT mother. And...you didnt SI. That is a BIG deal.

Id tell t about what you are feeling and doing. ANd, if it would help to tell you, I told dt a lot worse things that I did in my house (including SI) and she was a very judgemental type and she never told me I wasnt fit to be with them. Just to explore other ways of handling all of the stress. NO NO NO! Do NOT be afraid to tell t! You have full custody, no one is taking that away.

And,you know, I think you have handled all of the stressors rather well. One meltdown? I know a real lot of mothers with kids all ages and even the best moms I know have had some pretty bad meltdowns.

Please, be gentle with yourself, MUE . Youve been through a lot. Take some peaceful time for yourself and your daughter, too. You SO deserve it

How old is she? Im sure you posted it and I dont remember....

(((((((MUE))))))))
I am sorry you are going through all of these stresseors all at one time. I would be totally overwhelmed way before you were. Take a deep breath and tell your T. He is there to help you.

MUE, I really relate. Sometimes having the adult responsibilities--specially the finances--is entirely too much to bear. Especially when they snowball one after the other. I have had some recent financial setbacks, too, where I find myself doing things I never thought I would (like avoid calls from creditors). It's extra stress on top of the tornadoes whirling inside.

Be gentle with yourself. You were pushed to your limit, and you coped the best you could. And you regret it, and want to find a different way next time. Have compassion for your misstep.

MUE - I really feel for you So much going on all at once. So much stress!

I agree with Blue, that in most if not all states, you'd have to do a lot worse than that to be declared an unfit parent. But, if you have a reasonable amount of trust in your T, how about raising your concerns openly with him? Ask your T what sorts of things he would feel compelled to report. You could tell him that concern about that is getting in the way of your therapy because you don't know to what extent your confidentiality will be honored. T's take that very seriously, as well they should since productive therapy cannot take place without an expectation of confidentiality. Then you can discuss with him how he can help you feel supported when a lot of things happen at once and when you are already feeling stressed and vulnerable. Maybe you two can come up with an action plan that can take the place of meds or SI. And BTW, congrats on avoiding SI - that took strength under the circumstances! I'll bet you are a very good mom, MUE.

Early on in my therapy, I would still use less than optimal ways of self-soothing. I finally plucked up the courage to ask my T whether he would feel he needed to record anything I told him about in my official record, e.g. for insurance. He looked absolutely horrified, and we had the discussion I'm suggesting you and your T have. Then I realized how committed he is to protecting me and my confidentiality. He is my advocate, not the state's or the insurance company's. And he is not there to judge me. This new awareness was the beginning of my trust in our relationship, and I was able to be more forthcoming in what I told him.

Thanks, everyone....

I feel awful about disclosing this stuff to T. I worry that he will think less of me. He feels that the tough part is over, yet here I am feeling so incredibly down.

Considering my divorce was only a couple days ago, I am thinking that it's not unusual to feel so down.

I just wonder when I'm going to feel better. Every day, I have that sinking awful feeling. I told T in my last session that for the last week, as I am falling asleep, I keep having repeating thoughts of getting hit by a car...and it's not tragic or scary. It's comforting.

He wanted to know if it fit with what I've been feeling. I told him I didn't know. He suggested that I explore whether or not I feel that the only way I'll get relief is by being non-existent. I told him that I hoped that wasn't the case.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit hopeless at the moment. Lonely. The last year has been grueling, and now that the divorce is over - I feel as though the road to feeling better is still so far away.

Ugh.

BTW, my daughter is 8 years old - and she means the world to me. When I am with her, we snuggle and laugh so much of the time. We are silly and affectionate. Most times, I am genuine...other times, I struggle to give her that same level of affection even when I'm feeling down. Sometimes, I just can't....and it's those times that I try to be sure that she is with her dad, or some friends, etc. I manage it the best way I can, and she's doing awesome. She is everything I could ever want in a child. Funny, witty, sweet, loving, smart, beautiful...I wish she'd clean up her room, LOL...but I can't complain.

Yeah, MUE, like the others have said, it took a lot before you had your meltdown. I think that you did pretty good!

I had a thought...maybe it doesnt fit, but maybe. Do you (as I do) ever get a "rush" feeling from the dramatics of a situation? Even if it is a difficult, painful situation, like your divorce. When it is over, and I am left with myself, I feel suicidal and depressed. No more drama, even if the drama was horrible, and no more "rush" and desperation. Its a sort of crash back to daily life and how to move on and cope with the daily rountine.
Your daughter sounds adorable. That is such a cute, adorable age with girls. She sounds like a little doll. And you are taking the best care of her. And making sure she doesnt see your very lowest moods is a very responsible thing to do. My kids have seen me in terrible moods and I regret that You are an amazing, giving and loving mother. I mean that. I hope you can give yourself the same loving care you are giving your sweet daughter

And if you ever figure out a way to get her to clean up her room....please post...Im still working on THAT one!

It almost sounds like another addiction to lift your mood and distract you from your feelings????

You hit the nail on the head. For years, I've dealt with the day to day turmoil of dealing with my husband (well, now ex-husband)....and I learned after he left, that I had never been so down....part of it was the realization that I am left with just ME and discovering who I am again. That led me back to who I was before I met my husband...and all of those triggery memories of my past that were suppressed because I was too busy dealing with the daily drama of my life.

Then, there was all the drama of the separation...and his erratic behavior....all a distraction from the underlying pain and suffering.

Now I'm just left with me. And all that unresolved baggage - as well as dealing with everything alone....it's overwhelming....and depressing.

Thank you for your kind, loving words about my daughter and my parenting. Nobody's perfect, but our love is....at least til she hits her teenage years, I suppose! LOL.

(((( HUGS ))))

(((((MUE)))) You'll do it. I have faith in you. I have a feeling that your ex was very much in the way of you furthering your healing. Now that the obsticle has been removed (sort of) maybe more healing can take place. Even at a more rapid pace than when you had to deal with everything else. But I so know that feeling of being overwhelmed with it all.

And, I find the teenage years come with an intense love for the people they are becoming. I try not to take the teenage drama all too seriously and just tell myself we are having hormonal moment here.....

Why do I feel as though I prefer the obstacle...even with all the negativity and destruction, it was a welcomed distraction.

I am having a rough morning. I was hoping today would be a better day. I just dropped my daughter off to CCD and am bawling my eyes out....

Listening to a song, really loud.....and thinking about my dad. Although he was abusive when I was younger, he was a wonderful person as an adult - and we were so close - so I'm so conflicted about it all....and he passed away 2-1/2 years ago, and I still feel like I haven't dealt with it all.

The lyrics.....as I imagine my dad in that casket...."Let me feel your heavy hand...I will clean your F-N mess and leave no trace of evidence......I am losing you again, let me out and let me in...cuz you're not alone here, not at all, let me belong here, break my fall".....I am a mess today.

MUE

Hope you are doing better by now!!!

Oh, MUE! ((((((MUE))))) MY heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry about your dad. I know the feeling of loving him though he was abusive. I have not dealt in therapy at all, AT ALL with the death of my father. It was very sad how he died, he lived on the other side of the country from me, and I have not even wanted to talk about it in therapy. Though I think I will eventually.

I also prefer the obstacles. I guess b/c they are obstacles. And I dont have to deal with anything deeply painful, current pain is bad, but not like re-experiencing childhood pain. On some level, we know that and stick to the obstacles. I stick to do-able pain.

I am holding while you cry....I am so sorry......I feel like we should sit and cry on each other's shoulders.....

And I do the same thing when I feel like that. I listen to loud music that I can relate to. Loud in the car. What song is that?

((((MUE ))))

When is your next t appt?

I wish I could say I'm doing better...but I'm not. Thanks for the hugs.

Wow, it's amazing how much we can relate to each other. It's been a bad day, emotionally. I don't know why I'm struggling so much today. Very, VERY depressed....lots of crying...lots of feelings of despair and hopelessness. Lots of loud music....

Thanks for holding me while I cry....That's the one thing I struggle with. I don't let anyone comfort me in real life...and when I feel as though I need it the most - I don't have anyone to reach out to....not that I would. Ugh. It's such a lonely feeling.

It's a Breaking Benjamin song. Break My Fall. I find that I lean towards listening to Breaking Benjamin and Three Days Grace when I'm having these kinds of moments.

My next individual T appt is Thursday. Such a looooong wait. But even thinking about going to T, I don't feel like talking. I just want to sleep...or cry....I don't want to talk.

I have group T on Tuesday...but again, not something that I feel I can bring up. Nobody wants to hear about my pitiful feelings.

((((MUE)))) I am still holding you while you cry . Im sitting with you next to you. I know that feeling of wanting someone to sit with you while you cry and not even say anything.

For group, you also dont have to say anything if you dont want to. When I was in group just listening it helped so much that I began to participate even though I didnt think I would. I have a feeling if you listen and make some small attempt at participating they will help you. Maybe mention something about your dad. Or being alone. Or whatever is most pressing on your mind. Thursday is a really long wait. It feels like an eternity when you are crying all the time OH, MUE! I hope you can reach out in some way to somebody. There is nobody in RL who you can try to talk to?

This might sound like a really bad question, but are you on any meds? I dont mean to say you need to be medicated up, but maybe an AD?

Im sitting in the room with you, holding your hand. I so know that lonely feeling of not having anyone....even if there are people around you.

i would just trust in God and let it all out. keeping stuff in only makes things worse in all aspects. i relapsed on crack cocaine & just came out & told my t. when 2yr old was born we both tested + for cocaine &cps was with me 4 a year. i am also on klonopins & i take them exactly like im supposed to but when i smoke crack i use them to come down end up short & klonopins are harder to find on the street so i got xanax. i came totally clean with t. my doctor however is now writing my rx for klonopin with no refills 4 now. he says because of the relapse he wants to keep a close eye because of course benzos & cocaine can be lethal. but thanks be to God both my girls are healthy cuz i used when i was pregnant with both of them. im sorry im hurryin to type this cuz its lilys naptime didnt really get a chance to read all u wrote but like i said i would tell t everything cuz they cant fully help if they dont know whole story of whats goin on i guess im blessed too cuz my t & doc both are good christian people & its christian based counseling however they did say in kind of round about terms that if they thought i became unfit & keep doing the drugs they reserve the right to contact cps. which if im gonna keep that stuff in my life i dont deserve to have them anyway soooo not fair to them.