[Abby]

Therapy is driving me mad!

I cannot seem to have a good session. What i mean by a 'good' session is one where i come away feeling re-energised, or at least able to complete the week. I know therapy is supposed to be hard, but this is just ridiculous because nothing changes, nothing gets any easier, and it still all hurts just as much as it did a year ago!! All it seems to do is screw up my evening and start of the week as i often end up so depressed or angry that i just want to blur it all into oblivion.

I'm absolutely fuming at my therapist. We were talking in therapy about a specific issue for me right now, and i admit i wasn't great because i stopped talking for about 10mins during the session because i couldn't talk (no idea why, sometimes that happens, she thinks she stepped on something painful, i can't tell i just shut down completely, and yeh i know that isn't a good thing and is detrimental to the session but i honestly try to make myself talk but i can't....not that anyone will believe that because it sounds so darn stupid!). Anyway, despite all of my known (and unknown) faults in the session, i still feel let down by her because at the end of the session i asked 'so what should i do about ^^ issue above.'. She said we had done something about it, we'd talked about it and were finding out why i felt so intensely the way i do about this particular issue. Which in my eyes is all well and good if i was going to write an analytical study about my life, but i'm not, i have to go in and face this 'issue' again!!....okay maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even for the next few days but eventually i will. And until that point i'm going to be fueled by anxiety which is horrid!

And now on top of being stressed out about above issues, general demoralisation re: live, and feeling like the devil incarnate, I have to struggle with being angry with her. Sure, i could let it go, i could say that it isn't worth spending any energy on but that makes me even angrier because why should i let her get away with leaving me hanging every single session?! Why should i go in and bare my soul only to have her send me on my merry way in as much pain as i came in with?! I thought therapists were supposed to help!! And yeh, yeh she told me she doesn't have the answers, and we've gone over the 'me wanting a miracle cure' issue a 1000x BUT she doesn't understand i don't want it all fixed (well i do but i'm not so stupid that i think that is possible), all i want is for someone for once in my whole entire life to say - okay you are hurting, i hear you, i won't make you go out there and face it again alone, i can't keep it away for forever but you can have a few minutes of relief from the pain and you can get some rest'. That is all i want, some blummin' rest! I'm so tired! No wonder i turn to self harm time and time again, i try hard not to do it but honestly it is the only thing that actually helps!!!

The worst part about all of this is that as angry as I am at her, I actually want to tell her that i am! How much of a sucker for punishment am i?! Therapy makes me feel worse and yet i still keep going back and, as much as i hate to admit this, want to. She keeps saying i always come back as though it is a positive thing, what if it isn't, what if my life is so awful that therapy is the only place where i can stop it and just sit with someone, even if that person evokes some pretty strong emotions sometimes.

I simply have no idea what to do with all these emotions. I tell her i often feel out of control when i leave the sessions but she doesn't have any ideas how to help me, all she does is nod and 'understand'. It is as though she is a bystander, she sees how much pain i have but just stands and watches. It is demoralising.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Dear Abby, (wait - uh - well, you DO call yourself Abby. oh well)

this might not help much but it's what came to me when I read your post

Your mind works on yr session 24/7, even when you are sleeping; the fact that you & T explored something is going to get processed even if you're not aware of it. But in fact you are aware of part of it - you had an emotional reaction of anger which you now have to deal with (your words), and how you deal with it is part of processing.
Give yourself a little slack (I know, that's good coming from She Who Never Gves Herself Any Slack ); you do show up, and you do try during the hour, and that's what is needed from you. Without that, nothing will ever happen.

Granted, it's a slow process and a circuitous journey. This is what my T reminds me of when I get frustrated, and I don't know about you, but she also reminds me of how many years it took me to get this tangled up, and it's going to take some time to get untangled.

Please be gentle with yourself.

[darkrunner]

Abby,
I can relate to so much of what you wrote.
You sound frustrated! And I can relate to that.

And I don't have any really smart advice or wise words for you.
I just wanted to say that is sounds like maybe dealing with all the emotions you have for your T is part of your work in therapy.

I agree with Sitting At Water's Edge, please be gentle with yourself?
Try to do something kind for yourself, and give yourself a break.

darkrunner

[Fartraveler]

Originally Posted by Abby

Therapy is driving me mad!

I cannot seem to have a good session. What i mean by a 'good' session is one where i come away feeling re-energised, or at least able to complete the week. I know therapy is supposed to be hard, but this is just ridiculous because nothing changes, nothing gets any easier, and it still all hurts just as much as it did a year ago!! All it seems to do is screw up my evening and start of the week as i often end up so depressed or angry that i just want to blur it all into oblivion.

I'm absolutely fuming at my therapist. We were talking in therapy about a specific issue for me right now, and i admit i wasn't great because i stopped talking for about 10mins during the session because i couldn't talk (no idea why, sometimes that happens, she thinks she stepped on something painful, i can't tell i just shut down completely, and yeh i know that isn't a good thing and is detrimental to the session but i honestly try to make myself talk but i can't....not that anyone will believe that because it sounds so darn stupid!). Anyway, despite all of my known (and unknown) faults in the session, i still feel let down by her because at the end of the session i asked 'so what should i do about ^^ issue above.'. She said we had done something about it, we'd talked about it and were finding out why i felt so intensely the way i do about this particular issue. Which in my eyes is all well and good if i was going to write an analytical study about my life, but i'm not, i have to go in and face this 'issue' again!!....okay maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even for the next few days but eventually i will. And until that point i'm going to be fueled by anxiety which is horrid!

And now on top of being stressed out about above issues, general demoralisation re: live, and feeling like the devil incarnate, I have to struggle with being angry with her. Sure, i could let it go, i could say that it isn't worth spending any energy on but that makes me even angrier because why should i let her get away with leaving me hanging every single session?! Why should i go in and bare my soul only to have her send me on my merry way in as much pain as i came in with?! I thought therapists were supposed to help!! And yeh, yeh she told me she doesn't have the answers, and we've gone over the 'me wanting a miracle cure' issue a 1000x BUT she doesn't understand i don't want it all fixed (well i do but i'm not so stupid that i think that is possible), all i want is for someone for once in my whole entire life to say - okay you are hurting, i hear you, i won't make you go out there and face it again alone, i can't keep it away for forever but you can have a few minutes of relief from the pain and you can get some rest'. That is all i want, some blummin' rest! I'm so tired! No wonder i turn to self harm time and time again, i try hard not to do it but honestly it is the only thing that actually helps!!!

The worst part about all of this is that as angry as I am at her, I actually want to tell her that i am! How much of a sucker for punishment am i?! Therapy makes me feel worse and yet i still keep going back and, as much as i hate to admit this, want to. She keeps saying i always come back as though it is a positive thing, what if it isn't, what if my life is so awful that therapy is the only place where i can stop it and just sit with someone, even if that person evokes some pretty strong emotions sometimes.

I simply have no idea what to do with all these emotions. I tell her i often feel out of control when i leave the sessions but she doesn't have any ideas how to help me, all she does is nod and 'understand'. It is as though she is a bystander, she sees how much pain i have but just stands and watches. It is demoralising.

Well, you sound just like how I was a few years ago. (Including the cutting being the only thing that helped.)

It really did get better for me. I can't tell you how. (Well, I changed some major external things -- I left my husband, LOL.) I can't tell you what caused the internal changes. But they did happen. (I know that may not help you much.)

But I know the feeling of just wanting to go into therapy and just rest. Just be in a safe place to rest. Not be haranged at to do all the therapy work. Just rest.

And I know the feeling of just shutting down, too.

I don't know what to tell you -- no magic answers. I guess I just wanted to say that I identify so much with how you feel. And, for me, it did get better.

(((Abby)))

[Rapunzel]

I relate to this too. You need her to validate what you are feeling and experiencing. yes, you do hurt a lot. I wish for more validation from my T also. I think they don't always understand what it takes for us to feel that they actually understand and accept what we are going through. They think they understand, and think they express that, but for someone who grew up with a lot of emotional invalidation, it takes more for us to be able to feel validation when it is there. Cutting can serve as validation - proof that you hurt. When people can't see your emotional pain, you can create pain that you can see. Then you know that it is real. That you are real.

Talking about the things that scare you can help because when you face it, you take your power back for yourself, and anxiety has that much less power over you. It might not be as fast as you would like, and it is normal that it gets worse before it gets better, as your major fears are brought out into the light. But bringing them out into the light will be what it takes to overcome those fears.

And it is ok to tell your T how you feel about her. Even when you are angry. It helps if you are also able to tell her what you need from her. See what the purpose is behind that anger. There is an unmet need, and it is frustrating, but when you sort out what it is, you can get your need met, and anger will have served its purpose and can settle down and allow you to have peace and rest.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

Cutting can serve as validation - proof that you hurt. When people can't see your emotional pain, you can create pain that you can see. Then you know that it is real. That you are real.

Makes a lot of sense. Maybe I understand something about it now.

Sorry to interrupt the thread. I needed to say it.

[Sannah]

Hi Abby! It is okay when you shut down in therapy. You haven't failed. It is normal when something hurts really bad. I agree with the others, that you need to tell your T that you are angry with her. A very productive conversation can come out of that. Can you also tell her that you need some help before you leave in grounding and "repackaging" yourself before you leave every session (like the last 10 minutes or so???)

[Abby]

Thanks I needed some perspective on this, I feel I've been going round and round in circles for so long it is getting so tiresome.

I think you are right Rapunzel, i think i do need her to validate what i'm feeling other that just a simple nod of understanding. I've had nods of understanding in the past, and although i know it doesn't mean that people don't care, it just says to me that they care only to a point...and for some reason i never feel that reaches far enough to cover me. I have known for awhile that I sometimes use self harm as proof that it hurts enough. I feel this deep ache in my chest that i cannot easily explain just with words and because i never feel as though i can get people to understand how much it hurts especially considering i appear so together and 'strong', i cut so that i can prove to myself that what i feel is true...that its not all just a nightmare.

I am so confused about what I am scared about. I can be so confident and so together in some situations but at others i feel as though i could fall to pieces (quite literally). I want to be able to talk in therapy when i start to feel something scary, but i shut down so quickly i feel as though i'm trapped. I try and force myself to talk but my mouth won't move, so i end up screaming in my head.

I do express how i feel to my therapist, I say 'i'm angry' to which she replies 'i know'. I know everyone says that you should express your feelings as though that will make it all better but i think for me it leaves me hurting more when i get the same reaction as i have been getting through-out my life. To be honest that leaves me feeling angrier because she doesn't 'know', if she really knew she wouldn't sit there all calm whilst i'm hurting. I simply don't think it is fair when she provoked the reaction in the first place! ...Urg, i don't know what i want from my therapist, i don't know what reaction from her would make me happy. All i keep coming back to is that i want her to stop asking me to cope. I know she never says it outloud but leaving me in the same situation wk after wk basically means - cope. And that is all i do, it is all i've ever done. I'm expected to cope and not cause any major chaos so that everyone else can go on with their lives even though i'm left struggling. (I have no idea why i think i struggle more than others though...which leaves me feeling guilty and pathetic!!).

I really hope you are all right and that this cycle will change in a positive way because i am so tired of it week after week on top of everything else. I'm so angry at myself that i don't want to cut myself any slack, i feel completely stuck and this is my fault. I don't want to be nice to myself when i'm not living up to my expectations, i don't deserve it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I can be so confident and so together in some situations but at others i feel as though i could fall to pieces (quite literally). I want to be able to talk in therapy when i start to feel something scary, but i shut down so quickly i feel as though i'm trapped. I try and force myself to talk but my mouth won't move, so i end up screaming in my head.

Could this transition be adult you vs. your inner child?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Abby you seem very well spoken on this - at least in print and I am like that too - we had such a HUGE "don't tell" rule at home that none of us kids could ever feel that we had the right to speak out, no matter how bad things got... and I am still like that today... I just get silent but the rage goes on inside...

Don't let it eat you up... i was thinking that maybe you could take this post to yr T and read it to her - not from top to bottom, but one sentence, and force her to respond, if I can put it that way, and get your response out too, before you read the next line. I really think this could guide the two of you through some very complicated areas.

Hope it's helpful. I am sorry things hurt so much. For what it's worth, even being able to articulate your feelings here is probably due to some healing on your part. Before that you might not have been able to find the words for the hurt?

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Could this transition be adult you vs. your inner child?

I have no idea. Sometimes i feel as though someone else is reacting on my behalf and i have no control over her. If it is my inner child then she is mightly strong!

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Abby you seem very well spoken on this - at least in print and I am like that too - we had such a HUGE "don't tell" rule at home that none of us kids could ever feel that we had the right to speak out, no matter how bad things got... and I am still like that today... I just get silent but the rage goes on inside...

Don't let it eat you up...

it seems that i am able to express my feelings in a way that people generally relate to, but for some reason that connection doesn't seem to be reciprocal as i don't seem to feel it. That is why i end up deciding not to speak a lot of the time because the gestures i receive back feel superficial and fake and therefore i'd much rather not have them because i just feel guilty, tired and angry at having to be fake back and pretend that what they said was helpful/provided relief etc...and that is too stressful/tiring (if that sentence made any sense whatsoever!). I identified with what you wrote, whenever i used to express myself noone heard or i was told that what i said was wrong/wasn't true. I don't know what to believe anymore.

I'm sorry for harping on in this post but i'm really struggling at the moment with the pain. I ended up sobbing last night after having some sort of bizarre stress attack, i feel as though my heart is tight and it really hurts. For all my words and apparent ability to use them well to convey my feelings I remain totally lost, alone and confused about how i am constantly turned away and told to continue living with all of this pain. Am I just being weak? Is this not important? Do i not matter?

It feels almost ridiculous in the light of day to sit in front of my therapist and tell her that i would like to die and i'm too exhausted to continue. That is how i feel, but imagine looking at a person that has spent their day at work appearing competent, who does not seem to be falling apart in any great way and having to believe that. Of course noone ever does. I'm never going to be someone who has lavish displays of emotions, my long-term difficulties with crying mean that i rarely ever am able to show the severity of my sadness so i really rely on people taking me at my word and hearing me when i tell them that i am exhausted. I literally do not know what else to say.

I feel like a liar.

[ECHOES]

want to be able to talk in therapy when i start to feel something scary, but i shut down so quickly i feel as though i'm trapped. I try and force myself to talk but my mouth won't move, so i end up screaming in my head.

I experience this too. I am trying to be able to say that I am experincing this when it happens. When I can do that, we explore it (or attempt to) and it can help a lot.

[Sannah]

Abby, do you think that you are experiencing transference with your T when you feel that she is reacting just like everyone else has in your life when you express yourself?

Also, I think that I hear you saying that your outsides don't match your insides (inside you are a "mess" and outside you look all pulled together?) and that this is causing you some trouble?? Could this be what is pulling you into the charade of fake interactions that you are feeling is going on???

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I experience this too. I am trying to be able to say that I am experincing this when it happens.

you and T could agree on a signal - a hand wave or something? then T would know what's up while you try to get words out.

Originally Posted by Abby

all i want is for someone for once in my whole entire life to say - okay you are hurting, i hear you, i won't make you go out there and face it again alone, i can't keep it away for forever but you can have a few minutes of relief from the pain and you can get some rest'. That is all i want, some blummin' rest!

((((((((((((Abby))))))))))))

Can you tell her exactly this? Sometimes I have to practically give T a SCRIPT, especially earlier in therapy.

As much as I wanted T to be able to just *know* what I need, he really can't know unless I tell him. I have told T before that I just need to come and rest and be cared for. It's not easy...in fact, when I told him that I needed that, I was in crisis, and we were in the middle of rupture after rupture after rupture and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to say. BUT! I did say it, and T heard me, and I got what I needed.

We know what we need to heal. Pay attention to that, and don't be afraid to tell T.

to you!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I have told T before that I just need to come and rest and be cared for. It's not easy...

can you really tell T that, and get it?! that is something so much need and I don't think I am going to get ianywhere eise.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Abby, do you think that you are experiencing transference with your T when you feel that she is reacting just like everyone else has in your life when you express yourself?

Also, I think that I hear you saying that your outsides don't match your insides (inside you are a "mess" and outside you look all pulled together?) and that this is causing you some trouble?? Could this be what is pulling you into the charade of fake interactions that you are feeling is going on???

I'm not so sure about transference but simply because I don't quite understand that concept! If it means that my reaction to her has been emphasised by past experiences of being cast aside, then yes proabably, definately. I've been forcing myself not to admit this because it doesn't really make the situation any easier, and honestly sometimes it is easier to hate someone than to get into a hurtful cycle of rejection.
I think that often because i appear to be strong and together people cannot understand or believe that isn't how i feel really. But even that simple concept gets complicated because I am strong and together (you can't fake that long term) but that part of me isn't me. So i feel that people relate to the other me and i sit behind her all alone. Hence fake interactions and not believing whatever anyone says is real. Which in turn fuels the first part about feeling cast aside.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Can you tell her exactly this? Sometimes I have to practically give T a SCRIPT, especially earlier in therapy.

I told her that i felt the anger was because i was hurt by her not caring enough. I told her i'd rather provoke a reaction from her through anger than have her sitting calmly telling me goodbye whilst i drowned in emotion. I didn't tell her that i need her to let me rest. I simply don't know how to convey that properly because 'rest' seems like such a weak, trivial word and i've realised from posting that feeling is so very core to me that my mind is not just screaming at her to let me rest 50mins a week but at the world to stop altogether. I have tried hard to bring some control into the sessions, e.g. by deciding that i say goodbye to her first etc....but that is really hard, not because i'm bad at time-keeping or will extend the session onwards as i'd never do that even if i wanted to, but because sometimes i want to give her that control because i'm so tired of always being in control. So it hurts either way. I don't think this is going to be an issue that i fix anytime soon, i either need to suck it up or just stop therapy altogether. It's hard to tell someone that they have hurt you, especially when they don't mean to, don't you think!?

Thank you for the hugs, I seriously needed some!

Originally Posted by Abby

It's hard to tell someone that they have hurt you, especially when they don't mean to, don't you think!?

Yes, I DO think it's hard. But that doesn't mean that you can't do it. When my T has hurt me, and hasn't meant to, I DO tell him, because my feelings are important and are a clue about what's going on internally for me and about areas I might need to pay more attention to.

I will tell him "I know that you didn't do it on purpose, but my feelings were really hurt when....". He doesn't get angry.

Therapy is hard, huh?

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by sawe

you and T could agree on a signal

Well we could, but learning to verbalize what I'm experiencing as important as what it is that I'm experiencing. We have talked about this kind of resistance I do and if I can't talk much we explore about why it is I can't talk at that time, etc. It's a process

[Sannah]

I really hope that you tell T all of these things. It is such an opportunity to work through these issues.........