feeling scared

I'm feeling really anxious with my T lately. Almost like I'm scared of her. I know there is no logical reason for me to feel afraid. I feel like I'm going back and forth between feeling like I trust her and feeling afraid. Feeling afraid of what she really thinks of me. But I don't feel like I can bring it up again. She seems to think that everyone (read: my professor) would be open to hearing about my MH issues and thinks I am overreacting. I'm terrified that he might put two and two together and get four. And that would ruin my ability to get a letter of recommendation from him. She doesn't see the same problem. I don't know. I feel just all mixed up. I want to trust her and go into new territory, but at the same time it scares me. I feel like I'm resisting working on stuff I need to work on. All the stuff scares me. Maybe I'm projecting my fear of what I need to work on to my T. IDK.

Googley, is T getting "too close" to reaching a part of you that has stayed protected?

This new stuff that is coming up and I know I need to deal with is stuff I haven't talked about with anyone. They are so scary. I feel so ashamed. She is right about that. I feel so awful. I don't want her to know how awful I feel inside. How much certain things scare me and make me want to hide.

I am so moved by what you are dealing with because I am facing the same difficulties with my work in T, too. My T has explained my fear of him and lack of trust as being manifestations of the PTSD. Of course we don't trust our T's or believe their views of the world as generally positive! We have our own experiences of the world being malicious, hurtful, and completely untrustworthy.

The hard part is deciding whether we want to challenge that worldview. The really hard part is daring to trust that worldview. Not that I have any answers--I'm trying to do the same thing, and it's terrifying.

((((( Googley ))))) man - you nail it! It really is hard to talk about stuff that no one in the universe knows.... But that is also the beauty and grace of having a T.
We get to share our burden with one other person who is bound by law and ethics to not tell anyone else. We can share and not worry that anyone else will find out about the stuff. Even still, what a task it is to summon up the courage to tell that very first person.

Just go very slowly and break it down into small workable pieces.

I think part of the problem is that I know I shouldn't feel so bad about this stuff. It isn't bad. And I don't think it is bad in other people. But I feel so bad about my own stuff. I want to feel safe with my T. I want to be able to sit with her and feel safe. In a way I don't feel safe the rest of the time. Safe in a way where I don't have to worry so much about feeling safe, that it is just there. But instead i have to deal with all these bad feelings.

Googley - that does make tons of sense for sure. I told my T one time that I just wanted to go curl up in the back of his pickup truck - he drives an older baby blue Chevy. It was not about wanting to be near him. It was just that I felt safe near him and when I saw his truck in his office parkinglot, I knew he was there and that I was safe. It is like those of us who have always had to be on defense just need a safe place where we can finally relax and just BE .... be safe.

Now you will have someone with you to face those past monsters. You no longer have to go into the darkness alone. Cling to that good feeling that T is helping you have and use it as a tool for your healing.

(((((Googley)))) I know that feeling that as I need T more and the issues are harder, I start wondering if I trust her and what she thinks of me. New territory is terrifying. I also resist it without even knowing what I am doing to distract myself from going there. And then it comes out as weird feelings toward T.
Can you maybe write this and tell T? Or even journal about some of the things that scare you and make you want to hide? Maybe then it will be easier to say out loud or even to read to her?
When I wrote down how I really feel about myself and the feeling-thoughts that go thru my mind about myself, it was so much easier to verbalize it. I read that part of my journal to ftt and it really helped.

Blue-
I'm not sure that she wants to hear the bad stuff. The stuff I feel inside. I was trying to tell her about how screwed up I felt inside (though I was totally projecting it onto her.) And she was like "STOP! Don't say that." She went on to say that she didn't mean not to say what I was feeling, but not to say bad things about myself. It makes sense, but at the same time I can't seem to stop the bad thoughts. I don't want to tell her I'm still having bad thoughts. I feel like I'm disappointing her, like I'm failing. But don't know if this is just another way to avoid all the other stuff. I hate this going back and forth. I wish I could just trust, but I just get hurt when I trust.

googley, I hope you don't mind if I try out putting a certain spin on what you're saying. Let me know how it fits for you:

googley: I'm not sure that she wants to hear the bad stuff. The stuff I feel inside.

FooZe: Maybe she's willing enough to hear the actual stuff but knows that as long as you're calling it bad you won't feel like talking about it.

googley: I was trying to tell her about how screwed up I felt inside.... And she was like "STOP! Don't say that."

FooZe: Again, it sounds like she just wants to know how you feel inside, without the "screwed up" part.

googley: I don't want to tell her I'm still having bad thoughts.

FooZe: Wait, do you mean you don't want to tell her the thoughts you're actually having, or you don't want to let her catch you calling them bad?

I can imagine that if there were something I didn't feel ready to talk about -- or to think about, because then I might end up talking about it -- one way to avoid it might be to distract myself by thinking of lots and lots of other things that I also didn't want to talk about. That way, if I did end up spilling something it would most likely be one of the other things and not the one I most didn't want to talk about.

Besides, if I managed to freak someone out with one of my more harmless secrets, they might feel less like inquiring after the, um, good stuff next time.

When I only halfway trust somebody I usually start by carefully putting one toe in the water: I might ask them, "If I were to tell you thus-and-such, what do you think would happen?" If they don't give me a satisfactory answer I don't tell them. If they do, I try it out with, again, something relatively harmless and see if they're as good as their word. If I survive with one toe in the water, I might try going in up to my ankles next.

I think what helped me the most was giving up hope. As long as I hoped I could trust people, period, I kept finding I was mistaken. Once I switched to letting people show me in what ways they could and couldn't be trusted -- the toe-in-the-water approach mentioned above -- I found myself on much firmer ground.

Good luck, googley! See if this is OK with you or not:

Thanks for the support. I hate this trust thing because it keeps going back and forth. Especially during/outside of session. I may feel like I can trust her by the end of session, but then I leave and I go back to questioning whether I can trust her or not. Then I have to spend the next session figuring it out again. So we never get to the really uncomfortable stuff because I'm always spending my time figuring out if I can trust her. And it doesn't help that half the time I can't remember most of the session after I leave.

When I think someone else might have a problem with something I want to say, I like to pass the responsibility back to them. In this case, for instance...

I don't want to talk about it because I'm scared she will think I'm disgusting.

...I'd think of going "meta" (having a conversation about a conversation) and asking her something like:

"If there were something I wanted to tell you but I was afraid you'd think I was disgusting, what would you prefer that I do?"

Do you think something like that might work for you and your T?

I actually feel like the feelings of worthlessness are valid. Maybe she wants me to articulate the feeling of "screwed up" better?

I'd guess that that was it: if you want to give her something definite to work with, tell her you think or feel you're screwed up, but also exactly how you know that.

I have a feeling that it would also help you get a handle on feeling worthless or screwed up if you paid close attention to where you were looking. For example, if you were to get the idea that someone else must think you're that way, you'd notice that you really had no way to know what they were thinking but that you were thinking they might be thinking that. Then: is that the only thing you can think, or do you have a choice? Can you, for instance, imagine that they must be screwed up to think that of you, and notice how it feels to imagine that? Then get the idea that they're thinking nothing of the sort but you made it all up, and see how that feels to you? My guess is that the more practice you get thinking all kinds of different things from all kinds of different directions and noticing how you feel, the more you'll get over any fear you may have of thinking some of them, and the better able you'll be to think what suits you best.

I know she wouldn't want me to be thinking critical things about myself, but I just don't know how to make them stop.

That sounds like something else you could ask her advice on:

"When I find myself thinking critical things about myself, what do you recommend that I do?"

It sounds like part of her job to help you let go of doing that, especially if it interferes with the rest of the work you're doing together.

I know my T would like me to talk about it more, but she wont push it and she wont bring it up

My guess is, she thinks it'll be easier for both of you if you bring it up when you're ready than if she presses you when you're not. I used to wonder, "How do I tell when I'm ready? What if I only think I am -- or only think I'm not?" Lately, though, the way I usually tell that I'm ready to do something is -- I notice I'm doing it.

(Sometimes, of course, I find out I'm also ready to stop doing it very soon after I start )
I have a feeling that you trust her and you don't, and it'll be easier to live with both of those once you can experience them at the same time. At times I've thought of it as holding one in each hand, or standing on one with each foot.

Again, good luck and let us know how it goes.

Hi Googley, I think that a person needs to start where they are at and your therapist just needs to let you do that. She doesn't want you to say bad things about yourself but if this is what you feel you must let them out. Can you talk to her about this?