[jexa]

My T appointment today was somewhat difficult. Some past CSA issues have come up in my life (mom called to "talk about it," I totally freak out) and it's really brought me down and my OCD is flared up because of the stress and ugh.

I just can't stop thinking about everything that happened all those years ago.

And I can't seem to get the self-doubting circle to stop. T spent the whole session trying to reassure me that I did not make this up, I am not to blame, he was at fault, etc. But I already know somewhere all these things she is saying. I just am stuck in a circle of knowing and not-knowing. I doubt myself about whether I overreacted. I reassure myself. I decide I am not to blame. Then I doubt myself. I reassure myself. I decide I am not to blame. Then I doubt myself.

We went round and round in session today.

I told T, "It just doesn't stick. I just can't hold onto the truth."

I am supposed to ask myself this week these questions:

Why doesn't it stick?
What would happen if it stuck?

And I am so, totally stumped. No clue at all.

Any ideas? For those of you who get stuck on rumination wheels, ever found an answer for this? Why does it keep spinning?

[velcro003]

I dont know the answer to the general "Why do we get stuck on these rumination wheels?" because I get stuck on them, and don't know how to get off them either!

But my T has asked a similar question to as "What would happen if it stuck?"

Would it be that you would be forced to accept the situation as something awful and tragic happened to you, FEEL those awful feelings and really deal with it?

(I have no idea..I am just throwing out ideas)

[googley]

Jexa,
I've been asked a similar question by my T before. What would it mean if I could believe it? (whatever it is)

Just ideas.
That if it stuck, you would have to accept that it isn't your fault, and because it isn't your fault, at that point there was nothing you could to stop it. It was out of your control.

I had to give up the what ifs..... When I did I had to admit that I could not have stopped the guy. That I couldn't have stopped it from happening. No matter how aware I was it still would have happened. And this is something I often have to go back to. Accepting it has not been a one time thing. It is something I have to fight with over and over again.

The rumination circle is insidious. I don't really know how I get out of it.

Safe Hugs to you.

I would look at my nieces when they were the age I was when there was abuse, that is what helped me to see I was not at fault. I was that little girl once upon a time ago...

[Melbadaze]

Takes time, a long time.

For me, I think it is part of the hypervigilance of PTSD. It's almost like I STILL can't let my guard down, all of these years later. I think I'm afraid on some level that if I just soften up inside, and forgive myself, and admit that it wasn't my fault, I might get hurt again.

It feels frustrating to me, because there is this intellectual part of my brain that *knows* it's not my fault. I see little girls and there is NO WAY I would point the finger at them in the same situation, not in a million years. But the emotional part of my brain fights that, and fights it hard. And the battle between the two gets me stuck in a total spiral of rumination.

Sometimes, now, I can let myself believe - REALLY believe - that it wasn't my fault, and there is a lot of sadness and grief that goes along with that...but a lot of freedom and hope as well. It's hard for me to stay in that place for very long, but I'm working on it.

Be gentle with you. This stuff takes TIME.

[Chronic]

Getting off the rumination wheel is tough, and not something I have yet been able to manage. For me its about having control of a scary memory/situation that I had no control over. I have to keep going over and over and over it to get an answer- why did it happen, what did I do wrong. I KNOW there was nothing I could do about it, but the voice in my head, the one that blames me for everything bad that has ever happened to me, doesnt believe it.

It is so hard sometimes to believe that we are not bad- it takes time, and the support and understanding of a good T. You seem to have a T that you trust and feel safe with. Dont rush yourself- you need to go at your pace to heal

[hangingon]

Jex,
I recently sent and email to my T telling her that I need to hear over and over that it was not my fault because for some reason it doesn't want to stick in my mind.

She told me that even what happened with my mom wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault for the way she treated me that it had to do with her mental illness ect. For some reason that doesn't stick either. It's like I just want to keep blaming myself or thinking there is something I should have done, there must have been something I could do to stop it.

Just the other day I tried to sit down an think of why I can't accept what she is saying. For me, I wonder if it has to do with control, I have control to hold this thing over my life. If I accept what she says, it's admitting even myself that those things really did happen and that to me feels like it would be a loss of control. sometimes when she is telling me it's not my fault ect, I think to myself, this is mine, you can't take it, don't try to take if from me, what do you know anyways. Like it's all I have left of control to what happened and I can't just give that away to someone because that too would be a loss. I know it doesn't sound logical but they are just feelings I have surrounding it.

It's definitely something that needs thought. Maybe try and sit with it and think through it as well as try to recognize the feelings that come up with those thoughts.

[WePow]

((((((( jexa ))))))))) We understand what you are saying about the circle.
My T had me think on these questions:

1) If you accepted your memories as the truth, how would that change your life now?
2) If you knew for a fact what you remember was the truth, what is the very worst thing that could happen now?

I am still trying to work through the cycle myself... but maybe by sharing with you what T asked me, it may help you some? More hugs!!

(((jexa)))

I know what it's like to be caught in that circle. I spent years and years there, and am only just now emerging from it and finding clarity.

What did it for me was a combination of several things: EMDR, cutting ties with my mother, and also just having my own kids and looking at them every single day and realizing that a child cannot be at fault. And realizing just how much it would take to break their innocent spirits.

It is very scary to accept that it wasn't our fault, because when you do truly acknowledge that truth, then the pain of the reality hits you. That's where I am now....I can no longer deny or minimize what happened, so all there's left to do is feel it and grieve it.

I think you'll get there when the timing is right. Don't beat yourself up or rush the process. It takes time, but you will come to a place where you have enough safe support people and enough space in your life to face the truth and grieve it.

Until then, it's perfectly okay for your T to repeat to you over and over and over again those truths. That's their job.

[dfh932]

Hi Jexa,
((((((jexa)))))))
I feel that way a lot too. I think it has something to do with my mind just won't accept some things because it would mean that like my whole reality is shifting...and it would affect these ideas and thoughts about the world that are just, bedrock for me.
Bedrock like, they have affected so many decisions I've made and my basic outlook on life for so long...that changing some ideas would just have this huge ripple effect that might change *everything* somehow.
I don't know maybe that's just my own fear...But when my T said once that my mind was trying to make sense about something involving emotional invalidation, and i kinda thought, if I accept the truth about this, it would just rock my world. and i still can't really get it to stick, and it was first brought up months ago.
So I agree with others, to be so gentle with yourself and allow for time to adjust to these ideas. The thing is, somewhere your mind knows it to be true, it just isn't ready yet...but that doesn't make it any less true, it just means you are growing and trying. and I'm proud of you.

[jexa]

Wow, thanks everyone so much! I PC! Your responses are really helping me think this through.

Those of you who made comments about "loss of control," that really resonates with me, a lot. It's not just "I don't like the truth" although that is a part. I don't like this gross and disgusting lump of memory in my brain at ALL. But what resonates more.. it is very much like.. if I stay weak and everything is my fault and I am poor pitiful jexa, then I won't be surprised if something bad happens and it's not really so bad anyway because I expected it. The worst part of pain is the shock of being blindsided.. but I won't be shocked if something happens, I'm ready. A part of me does want to place the blame on him because it hurts me a lot to keep blaming myself. And I truly do want to be strong again, which I can't be if I stay so full of shame. But I can't accept that because if it was my fault, and everything is my fault, and I expect bad things to happen, then nothing will shatter my world like trauma did before because my world has stayed shattered. Being strong, relinquishing self-blame, means rebuilding my sense of self.. but I don't want to rebuild because I don't want to have anything to lose. I don't want to have anything that anyone could take away.

Like you said, tree.. if it stuck, then someone could hurt me. And it would hurt so badly because I'd finally sewn things up. I'd rather leave the wound open than have someone tear out the sutures later. I just don't want to have anything to lose..

This still doesn't feel like the whole picture. Anyone else feel this way and care to expand?

The way it kind of works for me is that I need to almost "try out" what it feels like for it to not be my fault. And it doesn't stick, but I try it out again. It OVERWHELMS me and scares me to really truly believe that it's not my fault, but I can try to believe it one out of ten times...and then two out of ten...and hopefully someday ten out of ten.

You are so right about the unexpected pain being the worst kind, and I know I've spent my life trying to avoid ever having to feel that kind of pain again. But I realized recently that I am keeping myself in moderate pain ALL THE TIME, because of the POSSIBILITY of big pain happening. And it made me wonder...what if I let myself believe it wasn't my fault, and believe that I am okay just how I am? Could I let myself have that kind of peace, and let my guard down that much? Sometimes I think I can, but it took me a long time to get here.

Just asking the question is a step forward, jexa.