[WePow]

TRIG WARNING (( slight SI mentioned briefly ))

Ok guys, I am laying it on the line now. In a few hours I will go see T. This is the session he is supposed to be returning me to work from short term disability. And I really want to go back too!!! No kidding! This trauma work has stunk! And I am just ready to get it all behind me and move on.

The problem though is that on Monday, T gave me homework to write out just the facts of the abuse my dad did to me. No emotional info. So, I thought it would take a few hours and a couple of pages to just do a rough outline. Well, I did the rough outline and it took ALL DAY yesterday to do it!!! And it is 8 pages of stuff! I didn't think I had that much stuff happen just from dear old dad.

Anyway, by last night, I had it. I got to sleep a few hours ago and just woke up. But that is not the bad thing. The thing is that I kinda engaged in self harm. I say kinda because I didn't hurt myself... but I kinda tapped on my temple with the hammer a bit. Not much... sorta. It was spontaneous and I was just so hurting. Also bit myself a bit on the arm. Nothing left a mark though. But it did tick off my protector alter Elaine big time. She wants me to tell T what happened. But I do not want him to keep me out of work any more. I just want all this behind me.

He keeps trying to get me to face the anger about my dad. I was never allowed to be angry at him. So I have managed to turn all that inward on myself. Urrrrr

Anyway, would you guys tell T about something like that? IDK what to do !!!!

[granite1]

i think it is amazing how well you have been doing and i see you as a true inspiration.but do you think maybe that this SI could be do to the fact that you are ready to go back to the working world and it is a BIG thing.and although you may truely want this and are ready for it maby you are a bit scared of it at the same time and this is your way of letting you therapist know this.IDK maby im way off line about this i just know how i would be feeling about it all.i think you should let you therapist know what was going on as it is very significant.and he needs to know whare you are at.i know how i would feel going back into the working world.like im being thrown to the wolves,kind of exposed,worried all my saftey is gone.etc...Im probibly the last person to be giving support i always worry ill say the wrong thing and make things worse for people but i wanted you to know my heart goes out to you durring this big transition and you are in my thoughts. and as you would say to others be easy on yourself OK

[perpetuallysad]

I'm proud of you for the list about your dad. I've done something similar lately and its extremely hard. I'm concerned about the si stuff though, so I would tell T. Even though you didn't leave marks, its something that your t should know about. And I don't think he will automatically disqualify you from returning to work.

Good luck, wepow, and I hope everything goes really well today.

[WePow]

Thank you Granite - good point! I am wanting to go back to work but one alter who holds most of the pain is in hiding from T right now and has threatened SU if I go back to work. But I can not let that alter run my whole life!!! Urrrrrrr.... It was me though who did it last night - it was just that I was in so much pain and I just ... urrrrrrr

(((((( ps )))))) Thank you much. I just do not want to disapoint T I think. IDK. I really am lost with this. I don't get how I could do so much to be healthy and then slip like that. I just feel .... anxious? idk

[granite1]

((hugs)) wepow

[BlueMoon6]

((((Wepow)))) That is a very hard assignment. And right before you are going back to work. I am not surprised it brought up feelings of turning the anger and hatred inward on yourself.

I dont know what you have done in the past with SI, but it seems like you stayed more or less present (maybe?) and stopped yourself from doing any real harm. For me that would be BIG progress. Maybe T will see that for what it is. Painful feelings that were certainly going to come up with this hiomework and you handled it more or less pretty well. You tapped and bit a little, not to hurt the WePow you have come to care about more.

The way I see it is that slipping in some way is part of recovering. We learn to catch what it is that triggers us to do it sooner and sooner. And then before we do it. I had SI thoughts yesterday and I was disappointed in myself for even thinking that way. But I am going through a lot and it has to be okay. It wont always be this way. I hope. For both of us

[WePow]

(((((((((( Bluemoon ))))))))))))) Thank you very much. Well now I do not feel SOOO bad about last night - now that you put it that way. I suppose it could have been much worse if I had not stopped myself. Thank you for pointing that out :-)

[jexa]

((((WePow))))) This WAS a hard assignment! I am impressed by how hard you work in therapy!!!! I don't think this minor SI is going to make T keep you out of work.

I think the others all had great responses but you can never have too much of these:

((((((((((WePow)))))))))))

You are working really hard.

I do think that T needs to know about the self harm. When I don't want to tell T something, I always ask myself what would be the point of going to see T and not being honest? Even though it's hard, I always try really hard to tell him about that kind of stuff. Your T will understand, and he won't be disappointed in you. He will be proud of you for working so hard and being so honest.

Lots and lots of to you...

[googley]

((((((WePow)))))))

As I said in response to your other post. Tell T about the SI. You are working so hard. I'm sure that he will not see it as a failure, but as a sign of how bad you are feeling and how hard the assignment was for you. If you don't tell him then he can't help you with it. Also tell him about the alter who wants to SU if you go back to work. You don't want to have one alter run your life, but maybe the two of you can work with that alter to come up with a contract to keep you safe. That you maybe go back to work, but set aside some time every day to let that alter do (safe) things that she(?) wants to. Like a compromise. We care about you and don't want you to get hurt.

[mobius]

I don't know about your history of self-harm, but I had the same thought as Blue Moon: that you not only prevented yourself from SI'ing in a more harmful way, but you were also aware of your actions AND willing to talk about it here, instead of letting it be the start of a downward spiral. Nice work

[purple_fins]

Just wanted to wish you luck today

don't have much else to say that hasn't been said by others here...... just remember that emotional/mental healing is cyclical.
Please try to not be hard on yourself with the back steps (they happen to everyone)-- sounds like you are aware and that is HUGE (IMO).

best to you

fins

[zooropa]

I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said, but I want you to know that I'm so impressed with how hard you are working, and I'm thinking about you. Let us know how the session goes.

Good luck today. I think you are doing amazing, amazing, difficult work. I can't see your T being anything but compassionate and understanding of the big feelings that assignment stirred up.

[WePow]

((((((((( all ))))))))) Thanks again for all the wonderful support.
I was honest with T about everything. Even the hardest question - when he asked in the hammer thing was SU intention. It was. But I did not want to admit it and would NOT have told him if he did not ask. Of course I was bawling the whole session. To top it off, my only friend turned 50 today and she lives just up the road from me and we have been friends for 18 yrs and I wanted to take her to dinner but she turned me down. :-( It broke my heart. But add that to the daddy stuff and all the inventory stuff yesterday. Well last night I had just had enough of it all.

T did come sit next to me (the first time ever) and helped me to just feel the pain. He had an old towel there amongst his props and told me I could do whatever I wanted with it that showed him my pain. He thought I would just twist it but I tore it in shreds. He said I could :-) Of course the funny part was that he said to just drop the pieces on the floor and he would clean them up later - but I COULD NOT do that. I HAD to put them in the trash as I tore them off.

Anyway, he did not make any decision about the work as I could not tell him what I wanted - since all I wanted to do by the time I got to see him was just find a way to end the suffering. So I have to go back to see him tommorow. I just want the pain to end. Is that too much to ask?

[perpetuallysad]

No, its not too much to ask at all. But its a hard thing to ask for. I have no idea how to stop my pain and, quite frankly, I don't think my T knows how to stop it either. Its a lot of trial and error.

I am proud of you.

[BlueMoon6]

((((WePow)))) I am SO incredibly proud of you for being honest with T and really feeling when you were there. I think I would have thrown the towel pieces in the trash, too. Dont want to give T extra work! Im glad the towel was given your pain instead of your head or arm. Its all okay. You are doing amazingly well and moving forward.

I wish I had some words of wisdom on how the pain is supposed to end. I guess its all of this difficult work we are doing that eases the pain. We learn to let it go at some point. And we are left with just ourselves. When that point is, I dont know. Maybe it is very slowly that more and more of our real selves emerge as the pain heals.

[googley]

(((((((WePow))))))

I'm glad that you told T about what was going on. That is so scary and so hard. And yet you did it. You are so strong. Keep taking care of yourself.

[rainbow8]

I'm proud of you too, WePow. It sounds really difficult but you were honest! I wish I could make your pain end. I hope you have a productive session tomorrow.

[jexa]

((((((((WePow))))))))))) Thanks for always being honest with T!! You inspire me!

(((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))))))))

I'm glad you have an extra session today.

When I have been in unbearable pain, the only thing that made it end was letting myself feel it, and letting time pass. There have absolutely been times in my therapy where T has admitted that he wasn't even sure what to do...the pain was just so deep and intense.

What he always has done is to just sit with me, to be with me and witness how hard it is for me. And slowly, slowly, just having him do that has lightened my burden.

There were times in therapy when I almost didn't think I could even survive...but I DID. And surviving that pain has helped me see that I am stronger than I thought. So are you. I know the pain feels almost unbearable, but it will NOT last forever.

It's so true that the only way out is through. You are on your way through. Keep going...there is sunlight and peace on the other side.

[kitten16]

I agree with all the other posts here. You are amazing.

Wow, it's great your T sat with you.

You did so well. You have such courage

Originally Posted by WePow

TRIG WARNING (( slight SI mentioned briefly ))

Ok guys, I am laying it on the line now. In a few hours I will go see T. This is the session he is supposed to be returning me to work from short term disability. And I really want to go back too!!! No kidding! This trauma work has stunk! And I am just ready to get it all behind me and move on.

The problem though is that on Monday, T gave me homework to write out just the facts of the abuse my dad did to me. No emotional info. So, I thought it would take a few hours and a couple of pages to just do a rough outline. Well, I did the rough outline and it took ALL DAY yesterday to do it!!! And it is 8 pages of stuff! I didn't think I had that much stuff happen just from dear old dad.

Anyway, by last night, I had it. I got to sleep a few hours ago and just woke up. But that is not the bad thing. The thing is that I kinda engaged in self harm. I say kinda because I didn't hurt myself... but I kinda tapped on my temple with the hammer a bit. Not much... sorta. It was spontaneous and I was just so hurting. Also bit myself a bit on the arm. Nothing left a mark though. But it did tick off my protector alter Elaine big time. She wants me to tell T what happened. But I do not want him to keep me out of work any more. I just want all this behind me.

He keeps trying to get me to face the anger about my dad. I was never allowed to be angry at him. So I have managed to turn all that inward on myself. Urrrrr

Anyway, would you guys tell T about something like that? IDK what to do !!!!

[WePow]

Thank you all again. The past two days with all of this have been a nightmare. I talked with my HR person last night and they want me to be healthy when I come back - so today I am going to be honest with T and let him know I am not yet ready. I think he is trying to get me to the point where I will say what I need and draw my boundries. Boundry issues are big problems for abuse survivors. It is not comfortable for me to say clearly when I need something if I think someone will be mad at me for doing so.

Last night I had another serious flashback about the CSA that rocked my sanity most of the night. But I made it through the night. It was very hard but I did not dissociate or self harm. But I understand now the depth of my SU thoughts all my life as this serious event was when I was about 3 yrs old. The depth of the detail from the flashback make me certain of the contents. I am still in shock about it. But was waking up all night long dealing with the little me from that age wanting to SU. Amazing how a child of only 3 yrs old can want that when things are too much. Very sad. Makes me really want to work even harder for not just self healing - but to somehow make it to where I am strong enough to perhaps help others if there is any way I could.

So today in session should be powerful and interesting. Less about anger and more about truth and movement forward. I have a ton of growth still to go. But one step at a time. Thank you all so much again!!!!!

Originally Posted by WePow

Thank you all again. The past two days with all of this have been a nightmare. I talked with my HR person last night and they want me to be healthy when I come back - so today I am going to be honest with T and let him know I am not yet ready. I think he is trying to get me to the point where I will say what I need and draw my boundries. Boundry issues are big problems for abuse survivors. It is not comfortable for me to say clearly when I need something if I think someone will be mad at me for doing so.

Last night I had another serious flashback about the CSA that rocked my sanity most of the night. But I made it through the night. It was very hard but I did not dissociate or self harm. But I understand now the depth of my SU thoughts all my life as this serious event was when I was about 3 yrs old. The depth of the detail from the flashback make me certain of the contents. I am still in shock about it. But was waking up all night long dealing with the little me from that age wanting to SU. Amazing how a child of only 3 yrs old can want that when things are too much. Very sad. Makes me really want to work even harder for not just self healing - but to somehow make it to where I am strong enough to perhaps help others if there is any way I could.

So today in session should be powerful and interesting. Less about anger and more about truth and movement forward. I have a ton of growth still to go. But one step at a time. Thank you all so much again!!!!!

That is so incredibly painful. One of my kids is almost 3 and I can't imagine the amount of damage it would take for her to consider SU.

I am so sorry for all you endured.

And, on some level, I think it's good that you are feeling the full weight of the pain because there is healing in that. I'm there with you. I just a few weeks ago realized the depth of the damage done to me...and grieving it has been so so so hard but so healing.

Good for you for taking more time to heal. You should not feel pressured to go back to work until you are ready.

[mobius]

Makes me really want to work even harder for not just self healing - but to somehow make it to where I am strong enough to perhaps help others if there is any way I could.

I think you're doing this - helping others - already. I don't really know you, obviously, but I've seen how you reach out to others here. Be well.