[looking4polaris]

I know we are supposed to be able to tell T anything. I definitely feel comfortable with T and feel good about all the crap I've unloaded on him even though it's been hard. He's been great. There's just this one thing....
Awhile ago I told T about an ongoing substance abuse problem I've struggled with and ever since then, whenever I'm having a tough time with something, he always brings it around to that issue and makes it about that one thing. Ughh. Without going into all the gory details, that is exactly what I did not want. I know that some of my problems are related to that one thing, but not every single thing.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I regret telling him about the issue because he definitely needs to know and he's the only one I can talk to about it. Sometimes I do imagine the benefits of having kept my big mouth shut, though, and that got me wondering...is there anything you wish you hadn't told your T?

[zooropa]

god yes, just about every time we are working on trauma and I give her any new information I will go through days/weeks of wishing I had kept my mouth shut. putting that stuff into words makes me feel dirty and horrible and worthless. at the same time, I know I have to talk about and process this stuff in order to get better...

[sunrise]

My T knows my finances in detail because he helped me in some legal matters. I wish he didn't know because I'm very protective of that information. I grew up in a family where we didn't talk about money--it was considered very private, like the details of one's sex life--so I feel somewhat mortified he got to know about my finances. I just feel my T doesn't need to know how much was in my bank account, my salary, the value of my house, car, and retirement fund, my debts, etc. I didn't really have a choice in his knowing this stuff, but if I did, I wouldn't have told him! Another thing I was very embarrassed about was that he got to look at the appraisal document for my home, and they took pictures of the house, including one end of my bedroom, which was a total mess, a room in the basement (the "junk room"), the fence that was down in the back yard, etc. I'm embarrassed he saw that stuff.

[Perna]

I have a book I kind of wish I'd never read but, despite being afraid to tell T something in the first place, I don't think I regret having done so; her responses were perfect each time.

[WePow]

I do wish I had not asked T about a couple of thing when he was giving examples from his own life. He said he was not going to give details but I was asking questions and I ended up with the details. Then I was very upset because someone had hurt "MY T" but because of therapy boundries, I guess I am not supposed to feel that way or something. IDK. But it is the one session I really wish I had a do-over. :-( Not because he told me the stuff... but because he ended up having to raise his voice just a little to get me back on track and off of "his" stuff. It just was a hard thing to process. Still managed to learn a ton from it anyway though.

Very very early on in my T, before I really understood the relationship and how it works, I kept referring to my T as my "friend" and "mentor." She never corrected me, but I'm a little embarrassed now.

And, one time, I was kind of angry at T because I felt like she really wasn't listening to me....so I disclosed a really disgusting detail about some abuse that happened to my mother when she was young. It served no purpose really except shock value. I'll never forget the disgusted look on my T's face...I felt bad.

[dfh932]

omg this is an important thread. I am usually super on-guard in T and worried about telling T all kinds of stuff. It seems like there is a fine line between knowing what to tell T and what you won't like to tell T.

I have been feeling closer to T lately and thinking about letting her know that there is like...like you know that classic image of the iceberg in the ocean, and if you're in a ship on the surface you can only see the tip? but underneath, it's like this massive thing..we'll we've reached the base of the exposed part of the iceberg and now I'm thinking about telling more.

But i'm just not sure what i'm comfortable with!? So many secrets, private information, how to know which ones i will regret bringing up...hmmm...that is just confusing.

[dfh932]

i was thinking about asking T some 'hypotheticals' ? like, if I told you something like this, what would you do?
But then, i don't want to play games or something.....or the hypotheticals might just reveal everything anyways. hmph.

Originally Posted by dfh932

i was thinking about asking T some 'hypotheticals' ? like, if I told you something like this, what would you do?
But then, i don't want to play games or something.....or the hypotheticals might just reveal everything anyways. hmph.

I think this is a fine idea - sort of a way of testing the waters without coming right out and saying "this happened to me". And even if it DOES reveal stuff, it might feel like a safer way to do it.

As for the original question...I can't think of anything I regret telling T. I definitely don't regret telling him my trauma stuff, even if it felt HORRIBLE at the time to tell him. I'm glad to not be alone with it anymore. T reacts so compassionately to the things I tell him...so even things like "I looked at your facebook profile" or whatever end up being totally fine.

I wonder how much (if any) of what we regret telling T has to do with T's reaction to what we shared?? I think my lack of regret has a LOT to do with how T has reacted.

[skeksi]

I think my lack of regret has a LOT to do with how T has reacted.

This is very true in my case. All the stuff that has been horrible to share, he was so compassionate and accepting of--that helped, as much as anything could.

I don't regret telling T anything, but there's stuff that was awful to tell and still awful to bring up, even awful to remember telling. Self-harming is one of those things, and so are some of the abuse-related thoughts. But I'm glad I'm not alone with them anymore.

[dfh932]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I think this is a fine idea - sort of a way of testing the waters without coming right out and saying "this happened to me". And even if it DOES reveal stuff, it might feel like a safer way to do it.

As for the original question...I can't think of anything I regret telling T. I definitely don't regret telling him my trauma stuff, even if it felt HORRIBLE at the time to tell him. I'm glad to not be alone with it anymore. T reacts so compassionately to the things I tell him...so even things like "I looked at your facebook profile" or whatever end up being totally fine.

I wonder how much (if any) of what we regret telling T has to do with T's reaction to what we shared?? I think my lack of regret has a LOT to do with how T has reacted.

Thanks tree, i think this might be the only way to tell T stuff...b/c the not telling isn't going to work forever...and the full-on telling telling might be too much...but i can see T reactions with the "hypothetical" type of approach, and go from there based on the comfort level or energy in the room or whatnot.

[scorpiosis37]

I agree. I think what we regret telling T has EVERYTHING to do with T's reaction. There isn't any information I regret sharing with T-- I don't care that she knows. However, T has sometimes put her own interpretations or judgments onto what I've shared, and that has bothered me. I feel like she has this negative impression that isn't valid and I don't know how to get her to change her mind. I know T is entitled to think whatever she wants (eventhough she's a T she's still human and still has opinions, even if she tries to not show them). Still, her interpretation of the situation simply isn't correct and that in itself drives me crazy. The fact that she wants me to come around to seeing it her way drives me even crazier. She isn't so blunt about it, but it's evident by her reactions. There we go again with those T "reactions" that send us spinning...

[deliquesce]

i regret telling my old-T lots of stuff, but again - it was to do with his reaction. i have told the same stuff (in a lot more detail) to pdoc and felt very good about it.

i think one thing i need to trust myself on more is that sometimes there are things i want to talk about and i dont feel safe enough to say them yet. that is where i'm at with austin-t right now. i know i wont regret telling him one day, but i will kick myself if i told him next week because the timing wouldnt be right yet. he is pushing a lot though, it is difficult.

[mobius]

Great thread - it helped me to realize that there is nothing I regret telling my therapist, but there are some things I regret NOT telling her. Like my reactions to some of her interpretations, like you scorpiosis. And other shameful thoughts and feelings I've experienced over the years. Excrutiating as it can be to say some of it, it usually feels better down the road (though sometimes it takes awhile to get to that place!).

[rainbow8]

I told a T something I told a former T. It was about sex. This was many years ago. She told me that hardly anyone would tell their T what I did. She embarrassed me and I wished I hadn't told her. The first T was perfectly okay with what I told her.

Yeah, I wish I had never told t when his old receptionist was quitting and dumped on me. He was soooo angry and then told me he wasn't angry, just angry that i had been put in that position. I feel sometimes that since we grew up in such chaotic households that I learned to sense when things were going to happen in order to stay safe and ward off the evil or the bad.... so as much as he said no, I say yes!!! I wish I had never ever even opened my mouth

He didn't like talking about si'ing either so i have never brought that up again either... I think it grosses him out or else he just doesn't get it

feeling confused by all of this tonight

[jexa]

Great thread.

I agree that it depends on the T's reaction. My last T, I told her I sometimes smoked pot, and she kept blaming the pot for my social anxiety. I also told her I was worried that I lied about past abuse, like how could you ever know if your memory was right, and she got it in her head that I was a liar and kept bringing up that I could ask for forgiveness for lying, etc. Ugh! This reinforced my fear - "I lied about abuse, it didn't really happen" - and made me feel even guiltier for not apologizing! She obviously had no experience with survivors - just because I fear that I lied, doesn't mean I actually lied.

I don't regret telling my current T anything. Sometimes I regret it immediately after, but then she always reacts in exactly the right way. And I breathe a sigh of relief..

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I relate to feeling like I wish I hadnt' opened up to some therapists.

Some are equipped to deal with certain problems, others are not.

they are human.

they are professional, though and I wish I could feel like they can handle anything but I guess they don't always.

ty for sharing this.

Billi

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I told a T something I told a former T She told me that hardly anyone would tell their T what I did.

wow, I would really want her to expand on that statement a lot before I could let go of it and go forward.

I've told T a whole lot of detail concerning my distrust of others, including at times some very profound distrust of her. This is central to the problems I have to work on, so I felt I had to tell her, but she IS a human being - and after all this time she has spent trying to help me, I think that it hurts her. It would anyone.
I have a lot of sadness & guilt about it.
Especially since I had to say it out loud, and to her face, I felt like I was hitting her.
Now that you ask the question, I realize that this is one of the things I hate most about therapy.

[peaches100]

I feel bad that i've sometimes imputed bad motives or qualities to my t, because of my own insecurity. One time in particular stands out for me. It was kind of early-on in my therapy and i was upset with her for some reason. I told her she was apathetic. She got such a hurt/angry look on her face and asked, "Is that what you really think about me?" I felt bad.

[dfh932]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

wow, I would really want her to expand on that statement a lot before I could let go of it and go forward.

I've told T a whole lot of detail concerning my distrust of others, including at times some very profound distrust of her. This is central to the problems I have to work on, so I felt I had to tell her, but she IS a human being - and after all this time she has spent trying to help me, I think that it hurts her. It would anyone.
I have a lot of sadness & guilt about it.
Especially since I had to say it out loud, and to her face, I felt like I was hitting her.
Now that you ask the question, I realize that this is one of the things I hate most about therapy.

Thank you for this SAWE. I have hinted at this very thing in T before...Actually we were talking about identity and I had this list of things I like to do/am interested in ...and T was wondering why I hadn't shared any of these things yet (they were kinda big i guess) but I just said "it takes me a long time to open up," and she kind of re-asked the question of why, then? And i just felt really bad because I didn't know how to talk about that mistrust of people without implicating my mistrust of HER.
Because it's nothing she's done, and I don't want to hurt her, she's an amazing T. It's more like, just a general mistrust of people and what is sucky is like especially nice people. When someone is just so nice I get SO angry at myself about being suspicious of them, and when I think back to the past there were a few people who were SO kind to me, but I shut them out over and over and over. And now i feel so guilty about it. Instead of accepting kindness and love, I sought out mean and unloving people, who I didn't have to trust and didnt have to open up to, b/c they didn't really care and just wanted certain things or whatever.
And T is SO nice. So it's just trying to unlock that part and let it breathe, and it's hard b/c intellectually you can tell yourself, it's okay, it's all good, you're happy---just go with it. ...but then what I consider the "dark side," starts just hurting or getting really scared or something, just starts anticipating some inevitable betrayal and i'll just be the stupid girl again, who let herself get burned.
....*sigh*..... what a mess I make.

[kitten16]

Dfh, this description of your trust issues is super insightful. It's what I do too. I'm really impressed by how deeply you've explored this, and how well you express it.

And please don't think of it as you making a mess. Everything we do, even the counterproductive strategies we grasp at because we're hurting so much we don't know what else to do -- even those things, especially those things, arise out of an attempt to survive. I respect anything another person does to survive, even if it's harmful. The impulse is healthy, though the method may not be.

Now that you know what you're doing and why, you can change it. Give yourself a pat for getting to this point!

Originally Posted by dfh932

Thank you for this SAWE. I have hinted at this very thing in T before...Actually we were talking about identity and I had this list of things I like to do/am interested in ...and T was wondering why I hadn't shared any of these things yet (they were kinda big i guess) but I just said "it takes me a long time to open up," and she kind of re-asked the question of why, then? And i just felt really bad because I didn't know how to talk about that mistrust of people without implicating my mistrust of HER.
Because it's nothing she's done, and I don't want to hurt her, she's an amazing T. It's more like, just a general mistrust of people and what is sucky is like especially nice people. When someone is just so nice I get SO angry at myself about being suspicious of them, and when I think back to the past there were a few people who were SO kind to me, but I shut them out over and over and over. And now i feel so guilty about it. Instead of accepting kindness and love, I sought out mean and unloving people, who I didn't have to trust and didnt have to open up to, b/c they didn't really care and just wanted certain things or whatever.
And T is SO nice. So it's just trying to unlock that part and let it breathe, and it's hard b/c intellectually you can tell yourself, it's okay, it's all good, you're happy---just go with it. ...but then what I consider the "dark side," starts just hurting or getting really scared or something, just starts anticipating some inevitable betrayal and i'll just be the stupid girl again, who let herself get burned.
....*sigh*..... what a mess I make.

[dfh932]

Originally Posted by kitten16

Dfh, this description of your trust issues is super insightful. It's what I do too. I'm really impressed by how deeply you've explored this, and how well you express it.

And please don't think of it as you making a mess. Everything we do, even the counterproductive strategies we grasp at because we're hurting so much we don't know what else to do -- even those things, especially those things, arise out of an attempt to survive. I respect anything another person does to survive, even if it's harmful. The impulse is healthy, though the method may not be.

Now that you know what you're doing and why, you can change it. Give yourself a pat for getting to this point!

Thank you, kitten, that is so nice of you to say
If only it could all be so clear when it's happening. But as you're suggesting, hopefully awareness of these patterns is the first step towards change. ...and realizing how to know the difference when a situation really is dangerous, and when it's just those old demons haunting. It seems like T would be the one place where it's for sure okay to at least entertain the idea of dropping the guard, and letting the softy parts be exposed.

[tears_of_a_clown]

Originally Posted by dfh932

i was thinking about asking T some 'hypotheticals' ? like, if I told you something like this, what would you do?
But then, i don't want to play games or something.....or the hypotheticals might just reveal everything anyways. hmph.

Or you could tell her how it happened to your friend; I doubt she would figure that out.

I'm kidding of course....with a therapist you trust, you'll hopefully feel better having talked about whatever it is. Try not to think too hard about what your therapist thinks of you, that's why you're talking to her rather than a friend or family member.

[tears_of_a_clown]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I told a T something I told a former T. It was about sex. This was many years ago. She told me that hardly anyone would tell their T what I did. She embarrassed me and I wished I hadn't told her. The first T was perfectly okay with what I told her.

Did you take it that she was criticizing you, or complimenting you for your bravery and honesty?