[rainbow8]

I don't know if any therapy can help me. I didn't feel the intensity or really good feelings so I felt terrible when I left. All I want from therapy is to "feel good" with my T, but she wants me to get those good feelings from others in RL. I know that's what I need to do, but I told her that's not going to happen.

Talking about the sexual issue wasn't so productive. It wasn't any big deal, so after my whole thread about it, the session seemed like a letdown. I don't even remember what she said about it! I did mention something from the past and she wants to use it for next session's EMDR subject, something that may shed a light on why I react the way I do. I'm just not so optimistic about feeling better, though.

She's going away the week after next and I asked if she'd answer my email when she's away. She said "no." She told me where she's going when I asked her.

I emailed her about how bad I felt and she answered me right away! She said I should try to take the vulnerable parts "to the beach to play" like we have done in the session, that's it not "pretend" and it can really help.

I told her that she is "shattering my dreams" like all my Ts do, and that maybe I just wouldn't come back, and that I hate therapy, but I don't want her to go away. She said she isn't perfect and that she is going to disappoint me, and that I know she already has. She really thinks EMDR will help but keeps saying "it will take time." But I cannot tolerate the feelings of wanting more from her than she can give me, and of wanting to feel so connected at each session. If it doesn't happen, I feel devastated.

I like listening to her voice when we do the EMDR and IFS. When I look at her, I just don't like her as much. Or at least that's how it was today. I am so weird. It's like I'm "falling in love" with her voice, but when I see her, she seems like someone else. We are going to try the EMDR with me following her fingers, if I can do it that way; otherwise, back to the buzzers and headphones.

I don't know if any therapy can help me. I didn't feel the intensity or really good feelings so I felt terrible when I left. All I want from therapy is to "feel good" with my T, but she wants me to get those good feelings from others in RL. I know that's what I need to do, but I told her that's not going to happen.

Oh Rainbow, I am sorry your session didn't go as you had hoped. I have been thinking of you today!

Talking about the sexual issue wasn't so productive. It wasn't any big deal, so after my whole thread about it, the session seemed like a letdown. I don't even remember what she said about it!

I like listening to her voice when we do the EMDR and IFS. When I look at her, I just don't like her as much. Or at least that's how it was today. I am so weird. It's like I'm "falling in love" with her voice, but when I see her, she seems like someone else. We are going to try the EMDR with me following her fingers, if I can do it that way; otherwise, back to the buzzers and headphones

.
I am not a professional, but I think both of these instances are a result of the transference. That does not make you weird, it makes you normal.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, lost. The intellectual part of me feels that if my session had gone as I hoped, it would have been unhealthy for me. What I want is to get that "fix" I always want it therapy, what my former T did not want to give me. Since it was easy to talk about what I did today, I didn't feel the intensity. T even said "I'm just a person like you." At least I remember something vaguely like that. On the one hand, I like to feel we're equal; on the other hand, the part of me who wants that "fix" feels unsatisfied. Maybe I shouldn't call it a fix. I just want to feel the deep, intimate connection all of the time, and that's impossible.

I just wonder if my T is overly optimistic. If 15 years of therapy hasn't solved this attachment problem, why will this time be different? I know EMDR is a powerful technique, but so far it's just getting me to my original issues. I know I have to trust my T and give it some more time. It's hard to do that, especially when this transference stuff just about "kills me."

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't know if any therapy can help me. I didn't feel the intensity or really good feelings so I felt terrible when I left. All I want from therapy is to "feel good" with my T, but she wants me to get those good feelings from others in RL. I know that's what I need to do, but I told her that's not going to happen.

Somewhere you are going to have to realize that therapy should be about YOU, not about your t. You have this unrealistic expectation of how therapy should make you feel every time, but you need to see that it isn't about how therapy makes you feel; it needs to be about how YOU make you feel. No one or no thing can make you feel anything; you choose the feelings for yourself. You say here that you will not get those good feelings from others in real life. That's true. And you will not get them from your t either. You have to find them for yourself. Otherwise you're right, it's like trying to get a "fix"; it's never going to be good enough because it will never be enough. Turn your focus inward.

[Melbadaze]

Not sure therapy is about making you feel good, nor expecting that to come from others in RL either, that would sort of leave one dependent on the actions of other people for their wellbeing all the time. Therapy is about helping you understand yourself so you can decide how to feel and act. Often times I've felt a hundred times worse just before I get to a better place. I'd say its worth it, but whether you feel the same is ultimately your choice.

[rainbow8]

I know what you're saying is true, but I don't know how to do it. That's why I'm in therapy once again. Doesn't anyone understand that?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She's going away the week after next

I know I always had a delayed, negative reaction to my T telling me she was going away. Maybe your disappointment and backing up is in response to this.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I know what you're saying is true, but I don't know how to do it. That's why I'm in therapy once again. Doesn't anyone understand that?

Yes!

Look these are natural feelings, it was for me anxiety based, its about having faith in the process and allowing time to happen, and to learn that it won't always feel like this, what else is there to be done but allow time and the process to continue? I've been exactly where you are now.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Melba. T keeps telling me it takes time. She puts that in every email. I thought that since I've had so much therapy already, this would move quickly. But it hasn't, and I'm still repeating my pattern of attachment. I would trust the process except that 15 years of therapy hasn't helped yet, so I'm a bit wary. I don't want to "want" my Ts the way I do.

Parts of me enjoy life outside of therapy; it's just these parts that want to stay with T forever that take over. T says "the parts are running the show." She wants to help me change that. I hope she can, because the pain of my feelings for my Ts (all of them) has been too much to handle any more. All I did was replace one T for another. I can't live like that anymore. It hurts too much.

[zooropa]

(((((rainbow)))))
I know how hard and how empty it is to just kind of exist from session to session. No matter what happens in the session, it can't live up to a week's worth of waiting for it night and day. No matter how much I trust my T, she is going to make mistakes that cause me pain.

I don't know what the answer is for you. I am trying to work on building up my actual life so I have less free time on my hands, but it's hard when my anxiety keeps me inside my apt most of the time. I'm going back to school this fall b/c I can do it online and it gives me an avenue toward having a more full life someday. I hope.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Parts of me enjoy life outside of therapy; it's just these parts that want to stay with T forever that take over. T says "the parts are running the show." She wants to help me change that. I hope she can, because the pain of my feelings for my Ts (all of them) has been too much to handle any more. All I did was replace one T for another. I can't live like that anymore. It hurts too much.

I too have parts that just want to stay with T forever. And right now it hurts so much when they "take over" ... I don't think they have to be in charge all the time even though I wish I could feel connected to T all the time, but I don't think that you should dislike these parts or feel the need to "change" them-- I guess change just sounds harsh to me. This is just me speculating based on my experiences in the small chance that it may help you, but maybe you just need to let these parts have all these big feelings, and then once the feelings come out they won't feel so consuming and painful. You can still live with these parts with less pain. My T always says that one goal of my therapy is to get me to a place where I can get the good feelings from others in RL so that eventually I won't need her as much... and right now that feels so far away and impossible, but I guess we just have to be patient... even more patient. I'm sorry. I hope this helps.

[rainbow8]

ghost, thank you very much, and yes, your post does help me a lot. My T also says to accept all of my parts. Does your T use the IFS model too?

What if you just let yourself love your T, Rainbow, without judgment?? The more I judge how I feel the bigger and more confusing and upsetting my feelings get. When I just let myself feel what I'm feeling without judgment, it feels...better, I guess.

I love loving my T. It feels like a gift to have him in my life. I almost feel like that is where I'm learning about love, and now I can apply what I've learned to my real life - to my H, and my kids, and my friends, and hopefully someday, even me. I couldn't have learned what I needed to about love though if I didn't just give in and let it be what it was.

Wishing you peace, (((((((((rainbow))))))))

Originally Posted by rainbow8

ghost, thank you very much, and yes, your post does help me a lot. My T also says to accept all of my parts. Does your T use the IFS model too?

I'm really glad I could help.

No my T doesn't use IFS.. she's psychodynamic/psychoanalytic mostly. She doesn't really talk about "parts" but I relate to it and it's really just a different way of talking about the same thing, I think. We talk about how I feel like a little girl inside, and the little girl in me will grow up eventually but now I just need to accept it and take care of myself.

Originally Posted by treehouse

What if you just let yourself love your T, Rainbow, without judgment?? The more I judge how I feel the bigger and more confusing and upsetting my feelings get. When I just let myself feel what I'm feeling without judgment, it feels...better, I guess.

I love loving my T. It feels like a gift to have him in my life. I almost feel like that is where I'm learning about love, and now I can apply what I've learned to my real life - to my H, and my kids, and my friends, and hopefully someday, even me. I couldn't have learned what I needed to about love though if I didn't just give in and let it be what it was.

Wishing you peace, (((((((((rainbow))))))))

^^^ Thank you tree.
I agree with this... a lot. This is a big part of what I was trying to say, just phrased much more logically and elegantly.

Try not to judge the feelings even though they are so big.

[rainbow8]

What if you just let yourself love your T, Rainbow, without judgment?? The more I judge how I feel the bigger and more confusing and upsetting my feelings get. When I just let myself feel what I'm feeling without judgment, it feels...better, I guess.

tree, I am going to try to do that, to just accept my feelings for my T. Thank you for your wishes. What is hard for me is that, having experienced the feelings I did during what I call our "container interaction", which felt like "THIS IS WHAT I'M MISSING; THIS IS WHAT I WANT" I was disappointed this week when I didn't feel the same way. When I feel that love, I just want more of it. I told T in an email and during the session how important that interaction was to me. She said she understood. But I can't expect her to always say things to me that make me feel loved. Instead, she says we will work on learning about those feelings more. I want to FEEL them, not work on them! What I'm saying is that I did let myself feel those good feelings, but then they were gone.