Ack - can't figure out how to delete. sorry.

Can't believe that was my 6,000th post

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Can't believe that was my 6,000th post

LOL LOL don't worry about it dear!! May you have another 5999 helpful, compassionate, caring posts to add to those others.

Ugh, I feel like I did something really stupid and violated a boundary of Ts. I don't know. His boundaries are really firm, but sometimes things *I* think of as a big huge deal are no big deal at all to him (like googling him or whatever).

This one feels super icky. I will definitely tell him about it, for so many reasons. I feel scared and stupid

[googley]

(((((Tree))))
I'm sorry you are feeling so icky about this. I'm sure you and T will be able to work out whatever it is.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Treehouse - you did succeed in deleting yr post, I'm sorry I would never laugh at any predicament of yours (or anyone else here!!) I had no idea what you had originally said.

apparently you emailed once too many times? Yr T will get over it. It amazes me how well adjusted they are; they don't bat an eye at things that would make me go ballistic (things I might know very well people just don't say and when I do I get a cold feeling in the stomach) - and T just rolls over it and keeps on going. It makes me want to be like that one day!!!

if you feel an apology or some other sort of remedy is needed, could you possibly send it before the weekend starts so you don't have to live with your bad feelings over the next two days? worth a try.

hugs to you, Tree. It will be all right.

[zooropa]

I'm sorry, tree. I'm pretty sure you can work through this with T, try to practice some of that non-judgmental stance towards yourself in the meantime, ok?

No, sawe, it wasn't e-mail

T is out of town (of course) until Sunday night. I did leave a message and said I made a mistake and could I come in for an extra session this week. The only day I can come is Monday, because I'm seeing him Tuesday and then going out of town on Wednesday. I just don't think I can see him only on Tuesday and then leave town. I know me...I will need to go to the next session to see if everything is okay. And what if everything ISN'T okay? ack.

I think if I can't get the extra session, I will cancel Tuesday, because I see him twice the next week (I think). I will be back from out of town, and that way if things are bad, I can deal with it here, and if things are okay, I can see T again right away to make sure.

i am SO STUPID.

[zooropa]

((((tree)))))

read your signature. Be gentle with yourself. You aren't stupid. If you made a mistake, that just makes you human. And it could be the mistake isn't as huge as you think it is.

[seventyeight]

could you do a phone session (or at least talk to him and tell him 'the thing') first and then have the in-person session for the follow-up?

Originally Posted by seventyeight

could you do a phone session (or at least talk to him and tell him 'the thing') first and then have the in-person session for the follow-up?

i thought about that...and i thought about e-mailing him what I did...but I need to see his face when I tell him.

I've been mad at T lots of times, but I don't know if he's ever REALLY been angry at me. Ugh.

[seventyeight]

hmm.. do you think that he would be mad? it sounds like you know him pretty well, so i think you'd have a good idea. he seems to really trust you and he does love you, so i can't imagine anything changing that. and you did what you did, it's not you - it's just a behavior or a reaction. stuff like that can make for a good talking point in therapy. unless this is something different. i could be way off the mark here..

[rainbow8]

((((((tree)))))))

From everything you've ever said about your T, I don't think he'd EVER get angry with you no matter how much you think you "screw up." I don't think there's anything we can really "screw up" in therapy unless we physically threaten our Ts. My T said she was scared about some of my googling activity, but she wasn't "angry." Ts want to understand our behavior, not become angry with us. They may be CONCERNED about us but not angry, especially not your wonderful T!!!!!

[WePow]

Precious Tree.... you are NOT stupid. You are a human who is trying her best to make life workable and good. You know your T will not just dump you or give up on you. You know you have a very solid relationship with T. T knows you are not perfect. T knows you do things that you sometimes regret. T will be there for you and will not judge you. T will help you to learn how to make the best learning out of whatever it is that has happened. It will be OK when it all comes out and is worked through.

BIG BIG hugs to you - and you know we are all here in your corner!!!

Ugh. I keep wanting to type what I did (and I have typed it and deleted it), but I'm scared! It just feels like I did something REALLY bad.

Thank you for the nice words about T. I do know he loves me. But my experience is that love can be taken away at ANY time. So I am scared.

[zooropa]

((((tree))))
I can understand being scared to post what you did. Of course that's a choice only you can make. I suspect, though, that if you posted it you might get a lot of replies saying "omg, I've done the same thing!" or similar. Not trying to pressure you, but just wanting you to get as much support as you can right now.

[WePow]

Tree - if you are really afraid that it could break the relationship, this is the one time I would say give yourself permission to shelve it for now. I know I advocate being honest, but I thought about your situation last night while I was trying to sleep and I think there are a few times when NOT telling something may be in YOUR best interests. At least for now until some time passes and you do feel safe enough to share. If you want, you can tell T that you have something that you want to say but you do NOT feel safe enough YET to share it. There is nothing wrong with going about this very slowly and methodically in order to stay safe.

Originally Posted by WePow

Tree - if you are really afraid that it could break the relationship, this is the one time I would say give yourself permission to shelve it for now. I know I advocate being honest, but I thought about your situation last night while I was trying to sleep and I think there are a few times when NOT telling something may be in YOUR best interests. At least for now until some time passes and you do feel safe enough to share. If you want, you can tell T that you have something that you want to say but you do NOT feel safe enough YET to share it. There is nothing wrong with going about this very slowly and methodically in order to stay safe.

This has crossed my mind too. I'm not sure WHY I feel like I have to tell him...I guess because being honest with T is a HUGE deal to me And because now I know a major event that is going on in his life and it feels weird that he knows and I know but I'm not saying anything.

Here it is. I looked at his FB page and his friends list. I KNOW that is okay, because we have talked about it. I clicked on his wife. Her wall was wide open. I clicked on her wall (I've done that before and she never posts anything, ever, except "so and so is now friends with so and so" types of auto updates") and right there on the top of her page was a link to a realtor because they're selling their house. I clicked on the link and looked at the pics. I flipped through them QUICKLY because I was curious and really didn't want to see them at the same time. I will SO not go back there because I feel so icky now. So. Ugh.

ETA: I'm 99.99% sure they're moving to another house in the same area, so that's not an issue. I just feel like I walked through T's house without his permission. Ick.

(responding to me)

I think I might ask him if there is anything that I could ever do that would make him angry enough to not love me. Maybe starting there will help.

And, WePow, maybe you're right. Maybe I'll just start by asking him the question, see where the discussion goes, and decide then whether or not to tell him right then, or to wait, or what.

I keep thinking - if T stumbled across pics of MY house, would he look? I don't know. I kind of think he might. I know he'll understand the curiosity. But. Ick.

Knowing T, it feels really possible that this won't be a big deal to him at all. But....I don't know part of me is worried it WILL be a big deal.

I guess I also want to point out - hey, anyone can get on your wife's FB page and see your house.

He has a ridiculously beautiful house btw.

[winterbaby]

I've done that! One time there was a house for sale right on ex t's street and I got listings for that street because a friend of mine was moving on that street too and I saw all the listings in the past year, his house too before it was "his" house. But I saw all the rooms and everything. I really don't think it is that big of a deal. It's public info.

[WePow]

(((( Treehouse )))) Just go slowly with this and allow yourself to do what you need to do to both stay safe and keep your relationship with your T. I have told my T things about his FB page not being locked down tight enough. Anyone could click his friends and search his last name and find his daughter and son listed - saying that he was their dad. And his daughter told the world exactly where she worked. THAT set me into alarm mode because some people are evil and I saw this as a BIG danger issue. Sooooo I risked it and told T what I found and why I was looking (I was trying to see if he was safe enough on the web - me trying to take care of him - one of my big issues I am working on with role reversals - ick). But he accepted what I said and then the next time I looked, his kids were locked up nice and safe :-) That made me feel so much better !!!!!!

I have wanted to mention how wide open his wife's page is, but I've been afraid to let him know I visited it. Which is SOOOO silly, because I am positive he would have been okay with that.

I flipped through the pics so fast that I didn't see much, but definitely got the general idea about how it's decorated, etc. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO stupid. SO stupid.

And the thing is, I've never driven past his house or anything like that (even though I know where it is) because I DO respect his boundaries and I love him and I don't want to overstep. This feels so much worse...and it was SO easy to do because I was just sitting here with my computer. I hate me.

[Melbadaze]

Yes its hard sitting with those contridictory feelings, on one hand we want to be T's perfect client, and on the other as our curiosity takes over we feel we become sneaky and if T knew this about us they won't like us and we won't qualify to be T's favorite client..we go to therapy and talk about what was done to us etc, etc and then we suddenly we're faced with what we feel is commiting some sort of abuse ourselfs toward T, invasion of their privacy, but its been said many times here, FB privacy is down to the account holder...yes trying to sneakly find out more about T isn't a very nice feeling, if it is this painful then just tell yourself you dont want to feel this bad again and dont look any more, it will pass, it always does. But if you look again and feel bad again then thats a choice you make. I think we've all had the same curisioty your having, for me all I got to see was T's friends list and I felt so bad I deactivated my FB...but thats just how I felt about...I dont want to look anymore, the feeling of guilt just_aint_worth it...other then that, I mean it aint no biggy...its just what we do sometimes.

[WePow]

Treehouse... since it is hurting you this much... open your heart and trust the process... You have invested too much into the relationship to let yourself suffer because of this. Your T knows your heart and knows you are not "one of those" who did this to stalk him or cause him harm. You do love him and it was there. You were like a curious kid who finds mom's jewelry chest unlocked and decides to play dress up :-) He will understand this about you because he does know you.

This is one of those times when I sense you will need to go ahead and trust the therapy process. Allow him the right to be shocked at first or have his initial response. But allow him the right to collect his thoughts around it and process it. You can finally trust that he also has too much invested in the relationship to harm you.

Like I told my T a few weeks ago, things happen in the relationship between T and client. Both make mistakes as we go along. But it is like being in the car with a good friend - you don't dump your friend along the highway just because they fart. :-)

You CAN work through this. He is going to see how much pain you caused yourself through your actions. And that will show him how much you DO respect him.