[peaches100]

T,

Child parts feel stuck in hurt since the email incident. I don’t know what to do. You’ve done great in talking to me about it and even apologizing for not responding differently to my message. I know you didn’t mean any harm at all. I also realize you were very busy that day. I’m not holding a grudge or even angry anymore. But even so, the hurt of small parts has not gone away. They are pretty certain now, from the email incident, that you don’t feel the same connection and attachment to them that they feel toward you, and they are having a hard time with it.

I understand from the adult side of me that maybe that’s the way it has to be in therapy: therapist objectivity, not getting overly invested in the relationship, yada yada yada. But it hurts and terrifies child parts to express attachment feelings toward you and have you react indifferently. As you know, they have had experiences before of being overly committed to a relationship and not having the feelings reciprocated and ending up really hurt. All parts of me are very scared of being the one in a relationship who is more emotionally invested. It sets me up to be hurt so easily. And being extra sensitive doesn’t help either.

So. . .I just want to run away emotionally and stay in lockdown. Not because I am mad anymore. But because as small and silly as this one email incident must seem to you, it has triggered a ton of my old crap. I guess that’s why talking about you not replying to my email hasn’t resolved it.

I know this email is inconvenient and annoying. But the alternative is to tell you in session. If I do that, I will cry. To be honest, I don’t want to be vulnerable or cry in front of you. I’m most likely going to send the adult or mask to session today. They are the ones who have the strongest emotional composition. They will be able to talk to you, to find out where to go from here. Nobody wants to quit. But child parts can’t be present right now.

We don’t need to talk about the specific email incident anymore. We don’t even need to talk about our relationship, or attachment. I know that while you want to help me, you don’t feel attached or love me like a parent. It’s a horrible, painful reality I have to learn. I have to stop wanting it. There’s nobody who could ever love child parts that way. If I could get rid of the child parts, I could get rid of the desire and need. That is why at times like this, I really wish they were not a part of me.

You don’t need to reply.

[peaches100]

Part 2 of What I Sent My T:

The issue goes farther than "just wanting a reply to an email," although that in itself is a triggery issue for me. I wanted to know that you were touched by what i said in my email. . . that you felt some connection too in the therapy relationship. . . that it wasn't all sterileness and whitewash. I needed to know that i wasn't the only one with an emotional investment in the relationship, that it meant something to her too. But when i got your terse, clinical reply, it indicated to me that she hadn't been moved at all. It was simply another email in her box that was an interruption in her day, like an item on a "to do" list. It make me feel very shamed and small, and very angry at myself for having come to think that the relationship was any more meaningful than just an hour-long collaborative endeavor.

My feelings are hurt now, and i'm afraid to "put myself out there" ever again by expressing any kind of attachment feelings toward you. The thing is, you’ve said you’re sorry, and i should be able to let it go. But the hurt is still there and i can't get rid of it. i guess it has reminded me of other times in my life when i've really risked my neck and swallowed my pride to openly tell somebody how much i care about them and have been used, taken advantage of, or simply flung aside. I know you weren’t trying to do that. But that's how it felt and still feels to the little girl part of me inside. Like you don’t want her attachment feelings, or to have any attachment with her. And then there's the little voice inside saying, "See? I told you not to get attached. I told you that you would just get hurt again. You're just a time slot in her day, a "3 O'clock," not even a person. Once you leave her office, she doesn't want anything to do with you. Your messages are just a nuisance, like you are."

Maybe you will think this all is very stupid, and that you have told me you care, and I should know that!! But everything changes, and nothing stays the same. If you like me today, you might not like me tomorrow or the next day. You could change your mind any minute. So when I tell you I feel attached and you don’t respond, I think you have changed your mind, and you don’t like me anymore. I need you to keep telling me because I can’t hang onto anything for sure, and people have lied before, and I can’t believe in anything.

[peaches100]

I noticed 14 people have read but no one has replied.

Do you think I said the wrong thing?!

I was trying to be totally honest. . .but now i'm scared i might of made a fool of myself.

Will somebody tell me the truth?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Hi Peaches,

I am just now reading this and something jumped out at me, I wonder if it is worth thinking about...

you said >>> >>> I know that while you want to help me, you don’t feel attached or love me like a parent. It’s a horrible, painful reality I have to learn. I have to stop wanting it. There’s nobody who could ever love child parts that way. If I could get rid of the child parts, I could get rid of the desire and need. <<<

there's nobody? There's you, Peaches.
.
Have you ever tried John Bradshaw's exercise for getting in touch with your inner child? It's probably in his book "The Shame that Binds" (which I didn't care for really, except for this part). I gather it's some sort of self hypnosis, or similar; but the point of it is for adult Peaches to meet little Peaches at some age and to talk to her; to say,
I am here, little one,
I know you and care about you like no one else ever could (or did, if that's your case);
I will listen to you when no one else can;
I am never going away from you,
I will always be here for you.

do you think your T could help you into that? You can no more get rid of the little Peaches than you can change the past. If it were possible to do so, you would not be the person you are today.

this may not be what you are needing to hear but I thought maybe it would help. You say, "no need to answer, T," but I sense that you really really reeeeeeeallllllyyyyy do want T to go into this with you to a very deep level.
Be brave - I know this is a big challenge - hugs to you

(((((((((peaches))))))))))

i don't think you said the wrong thing at all. you are really brave to say all that to T. i wish i knew what the answer is for you as i hear so much pain in your heart. maybe there is a place in between totally opening up to people and getting hurt and totally closing yourself off.

i totally understand your not wanting to cry in front of T but i wondered if you were able to cry about this on your own. have you been able to get the emotions out at all? it might help if you haven't.

[hangingon]

Peaches,
I don't think you are a fool at all !! I think your therapist needs to know these parts of you, she has no way of reading your mind so unless they are expressed she will never know how what she did or didn't do affects you.

I think you wrote that very clearly. I can totally relate to not wanting to express attachment for fear of rejection. I keep walls up between my therapist and I for that very same reason. To keep myself safe, while I know its because of past hurts, I still am too protective of myself. I have been hurt and I am afraid to go out on that ledge and be hurt again, not just yet anyways.

I think you were totally brave to let that out. I believe many therapists have a hard time accepting how clients feel about them, or don't particulary know how to respond to those types of emails......hahah perhaps because of their own insecurities....

You did great !! Thats why your in therapy in the first place, to understand who you are, how you feel and to work hard through those things. Please don't doubt your feelings, they are yours and they are real !!

[Perna]

There is no "wrong" thing to say. Don't pay attention to number of people reading, every time you call it up that counts too so every time you have posted has counted as 3; most of the people who have "read" it are you, yourself :-)

[MINIME]

Hugs. you know how much i get it or how much i relate is so profound. i struggle alot with the small parts and i have two t 's now that get that and are careful. we dont have communication outside session that could trigger the response you had cus we have done that. its hard to repair but worth it. cry if you have to ok it helps. you have to make a plan about what to talk about outside session. it helps. stick with it my friend this is part of the healing and one day you will see why. i wont tell you its something you have to descover on your own. k. breathe feel and know its a part of growth

[rainbow8]

((((((Peaches))))))

I think you are very brave to send your T that email. Now she will know EXACTLY how you feel. You're not foolish at all! I just wish there were an easy answer. As you know, I'm struggling with similar issues, and I'm getting attached to my new T in the same way. I know she will listen to the parts that want her to love me, but I know she wants me to love them because she can't be there for me in that way. I understand your pain and the pain of the child. I know the rejected feelings of not being reciprocated by the T. It hurts so deep inside.

I don't know what the answer is. I know you've tried very hard to love those parts yourself, and it hasn't worked. I would like to hope that letting those child parts be there totally, instead of presenting your adult self, and totally grieving for what you can't get from T would be the answer. I'm wishing that for myself, too. If not, I am at a loss. However, your T is experienced and wise. Maybe this email will help her decide how she can best help you. I hope your session is a good one.

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by peaches100

... I know that while you want to help me, you don’t feel attached or love me like a parent. It’s a horrible, painful reality I have to learn. I have to stop wanting it. There’s nobody who could ever love child parts that way. If I could get rid of the child parts, I could get rid of the desire and need. That is why at times like this, I really wish they were not a part of me.....

Part of you does know that the T does not love like a parent, or feel the attachment like us.
It's hard to accept this, so hard, when you are open and vulnerable.

Even though I've aligned the neediness in me with my inner child, I know it's a part of me, an element of me that I carry as part of my whole. What SAWE said, it's YOU that has to learn to love the child parts, meet those desires and needs - OK, that's what MY exT used to tell me also. I've not got a good idea of how to get there, I just know it will take time.
Here's what he told me:

"The good news is that the information is there in the needy, clingy, young girl. I am happy to ask her about what she needs from you during that needy time. Then it will be up to you to find a way of providing that.

By the way you can get started on this on your own. It takes time and quiet. You can start by taking pen and paper and asking, (very gently) what does the young girl need from me (BlackCanary). Or "how can I best help you." Let her write through you. Don't edit or try to educate her or explain anything, just witness her and her feelings."

[WePow]

Peaches, sending honesty like this in email to your Tis the most difficult thing to do, but I think it is the right thing to do. My heart goes out to you for all you are going through!!

[jexa]

Oh, peaches.

It is so hard and my heart goes out to you. You are braver than I am -- I feel this way about my T, but I stuff it and try to kill it ALL THE TIME. I send her emails, and when she doesn't reply, I just kill the little girl inside over and over again and don't even tell her how angry and ashamed I feel. I'm trying to quit shutting myself down but it is hard. Do you see how, even though you are hurting, your response is healthier than mine? So, even if you feel annoying and childish, resolving this issue and letting the little girl live and breathe, is most likely what your T wants you to do.

I feel like crying because I feel for your little girl.. my heart goes out to you, sweet peaches.

[granite1]

peaches i just wanted you to know i always read your posts and i do care i'm just not the best on giving advice about T but i wanted you to know that i'm here

[chaotic13]

Peaches, I think you articulated a lot of feelings in these emails. Most people including my t say feelings just are. There is no right or wrong. As for your comment about having to hear your t say she cares repeatedly...My t has had to tell me things over and over and over again too. I think this is part of the unlearning process and a trained professional appreciates that and understands it.

[peaches100]

I had my session today, and I’m feeling quite a bit better about R. She disclosed to me a couple of things about herself that helped me understand what happened with the email. She said that I was right, that she did act somewhat insensitively and avoidantly when I sent her that email. But she said that my interpretation of why she did it was wrong. She said it was not because what I said in my email bothered her, or because she didn’t want me to feel attached, or that she didn’t feel attached in return.

What she told me was that just as I have parts to me, so does she, and everyone does. Well, there is a part of her that is somewhat uncomfortable about expressing her feelings. She said that her mom, while she was a loving mother, was not affectionate, so that is perhaps why she is this way. She told me also that, while she has not had the kind of hurts I have had through inconsistent mothering, she has experienced the kind of rejection before that is common to others. And that because of this, she doesn’t like allowing herself to be vulnerable, just as I don’t. So perhaps we are alike in that way. She also mentioned to me that others have told her that she is hard to get to know. So she has a reserved side.

She told me that the day I emailed, I came up against a part of her I didn’t like, and that if I didn’t like it, then perhaps others don’t like it either. And it is something I have brought to her attention about herself that she wasn’t aware of – her dismissive/avoidant of feelings side. She said now that I’ve made her aware of this part of herself, she can work on better ways to respond in situations like that.

I know that many t’s hesitate to self-disclose, but in my case, this really helped me understand what was going on. When she responded dismissively to my attachment feelings in my email, it shocked and hurt me because I thought “What is going on?! This is NOT the caring t I know!” I thought that maybe she didn’t like me anymore and that she wanted to push me away. I also knew (through intuition? Through a gut feeling?) that her response was *not* just about being busy. I *knew* there was more to it, although I can’t say how I knew.

Until she told me where she was coming from, and why she acted that way, I felt confused and rejected and hurt. Now I know it wasn’t about me. It was about her.

I didn’t say anything wrong. She wasn’t trying to discourage my attachment. She just feels a bit uncomfortable when it comes to expressing her feelings and did not know how to respond to a message like the one I sent!

A couple of weeks ago, when I was angry about her “I’m too busy” response, I asked her if the reason she blew me off was because she thought “Oh, it’s no biggie. I get these kinds of emails all the time. All my clients love me. Nothing new there.” She told me No, she does not get those kinds of emails from her other clients. Maybe my extra sensitivity and intense emotions blindside her a bit at times?? I’ve no doubt I’m a challenge to her.

So that’s the story.

We talked also about the need to have internal resources to help hurt inner parts find some relief, especially when I feel hurt or distanced from her. So I am trying to protect my little parts and keep them safe, while encouraging them that it’s OK to “come back out” in sessions and keep sharing their feelings with t. I’m also reminding them that along with me, God is also with them, so they are never completely alone.

I'm trying so hard to be a sort of "good mother" to my small parts, so i am not so dependent on t. But it does not bring me the relief i get from t. I guess i need to just keep working at it.

THANK YOU SOOOOO, SOOOOO MUCH FOR BEING THERE FOR ME, ALL YOU WONDERFUL FOLKS AT PC!!!

I think things are finally getting back on track again.

[peaches100]

PS - She also told me that she wants me to know she is human, she does have feelings, and that there is a part of her that feels connected to me also. if i can "hang onto this" in my heart, hopefully i will not need her to keep telling me she still likes me. also, if i tell her i like her in the future, i won't expect a heartfelt fuzzy response. i will know she is just not like that.

[peaches100]

I was thinking this morning about what my t told me yesterday and am kind of questioning something.

Recently, my h told me that my t is probably getting ready to retire, and that the reason she didn't respond to my email regarding my attachment to her was because she was trying to push me away to get me to stand on my own two feet in preparation for her going away.

So 2 weeks ago, I asked her if this is the reason. She said "No, if i were getting ready to retire, i would be drawing you closer, not pushing you away, because i don't want the experience to feel like another bad abandonment for you."

Yet. . .yesterday she revealed that she has a side to her that is kind of dismissive/uneasy when it comes to being emotionally demonstrative (can't think of the right term for it). As in, she didn't know how to respond to my email message telling her how attached I feel.

Is there a contradiction here? Do you think maybe she thinks i need the attachment and wants to provide that for me. . .but that on a personal level, she is not really all that comfortable with it?

I saw a pic once of her with her kids, and noticed that while they all have their arms around each other, she is standing with her arms in front of her. Just a coincidence? Or maybe pointing to her not being a touchy-feely person??

just a thought.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I noticed 14 people have read but no one has replied.

Do you think I said the wrong thing?!

I haven't read the rest of the thread -- but I am very impressed by your honesty in writing out your feelings. Sounds right on to me.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by peaches100

PS - She also told me that she wants me to know she is human, she does have feelings, and that there is a part of her that feels connected to me also. if i can "hang onto this" in my heart, hopefully i will not need her to keep telling me she still likes me.

It seems that the bad learning we have done in the past needs to be reversed many times over for us to learn something new, and to heal. So needing her to tell you over and over again seems natural to me.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Is there a contradiction here? Do you think maybe she thinks i need the attachment and wants to provide that for me. . .but that on a personal level, she is not really all that comfortable with it?

If so, that is her, not you.

[sugahorse1]

((Hugs)) well done for being so honest and opening yourself up. It is not easy. I can relate to a lot of your feelings too.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I thought that maybe she didn’t like me anymore and that she wanted to push me away.

Until she told me where she was coming from, and why she acted that way, I felt confused and rejected and hurt.

Now I know it wasn’t about me. It was about her.

But your inner child was triggered and very hurt so this is about you too. You still need to work on this so that you can't be triggered.

[peaches100]

Sannah,

Could you be more specific about what you mean by "work on it?" Like what exactly does that entail?

((((((((((((Peaches))))))))))))))

I hope you can find a way to hold onto the good feelings without searching for contradictions to undo them. It is OKAY to feel good and cared for. Can you let yourself feel that for a while?

[Sannah]

By working on this I mean taking that inner child to therapy and crying in front of T if that what happens. Your inner child is still very wounded by what has happened to you and this needs to be worked through in therapy.