I screwed up

I think it might help you if you look at your intent, tree. You didn't do it to be malicious, you didn't look so that you could find out some information about him to use against him in some way. You didn't even try very hard or go very far out of your way to see these pics. They were just there, and you were just human, and you looked out of curiosity. I feel like your T will understand that, I just wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself in the meantime.

I will just add that I've done something similar and have never had the courage to tell T. I won't ever tell her. So you are already farther along the road than I am in that regard. You're not bad or stupid or evil, tree.

Honestly, I don't know if I would tell him if it didn't involve his house being on the market. It just feels like kind of a big thing to know - like he might actually mention it at some point, and then I would have to pretend I didn't know, and it would feel like such a big lie.

If for some reason he had house pics online and I peeked and felt this bad and knew I would never do it again, I might not say anything. Although I might want to, so he would know how accessible they are.

I really just can't believe I saw the inside of T's HOUSE. ugh! UGH! I know I was just curious, but I wish I would have just STAYED curious. I feel icky.

(((treehouse)))

STOP! In the most loving way I know how, please stop beating yourself up. I know you did something you are ashamed of, but no amount of self-flagellation is going to make that shame go away.

From a distance, I think you will find that what you did is not all that bad. But what you are doing to yourself right now IS bad.

Write T an apology letter explaining what you did. Ask your higher power for some forgiveness. Do something to care for yourself or process these feeling, but please stop putting yourself down.

I know T will still be there for you and care for you. I know T will forgive you. I hope that you can find the strength to also forgive yourself.

Yeah, I'm betting you will want to get this one out of your system before you go away!!

You can tell T, "I feel like I violated your privacy and you don't even know it!"
T: How is that possible?
"Your house is for sale, ad is on your wife's FB wall. Did you know that it was there?"
T: Yes, we really want to sell our house so we can move to N!
"Your house is very beautiful"
T: Thank you Tree, I'm glad you like it. My wife did an amazing job with the decorating. It's OK that you looked - you can look again, it is OK, it's public. Want to buy it?

Gone too far: Did you download the pics to your computer? Make one your avatar or wallpaper? Put them on your phone? Post the link to the ad here on PC?

p.s. You are not alone! I check out the FB page of my ex-T's wife, see if she's posted anything. Has their 20 yr old wedding pics. SO CUTE.

BC --- ok you just made my day - sorry Tree as it is not meant at your expense and I totally agree with what others are sharing - and I hope you have inner peace about all this because you DO deserve it. But maybe it will make you feel better if you know somethings I have done with my T! And I didn't even think it would be boundary crossing until BC just said it!!

I play Sims 3 and I have 7 different avatars of my T running all over my town!!! I have my own avatar I play. And I gave each avatar of T different traits I think he has. Then I love to watch my Avatar run into my T in town and talk or dance together -- or more. But when I get angry with my T, I take one of his avatars and move him into my main house where I then kinda torture him a bit in the SIM way (stuff like sticking him in a room with no doors or windows so he goes crazy) and I will yell at my computer at him asking him how he likes to feel the way I am feeling right then. I don't do that much.. but it was very cathardic the times I have done it. And after I was done, I felt much better and thought nothing else of it.

The other thing I did once was to use a morphing program on-line and took his face from his public website and morphed it with my face and made the result a child. The program made a VERY real looking picture of a child who looked like both of us put together. It was haunting actually!! The eyes of that morphed child showed something that I never saw in my own eyes but felt it there. So I actually emailed that pic to myself and brought it into session on my ipad and showed T the image!

He was kinda shocked by it and blown away I think and asked me how I did it and how I got the image of him and I told him. Then we talked about how the eyes were the eyes of someone who has been abused and survived... The picture of the kid was actually a very beautiful child!!!! He thought at first it was a picture of me when I was little - lol. Now it took guts to show him that. But I trusted that he knew me well enough to not throw me out the door just for that. :-)

(((((treehouse))))) I think you want very much to maintain safe and firm boundaries with your T, and you feel you stepped over his. Why does that feel so awful? I'm not saying it shouldn't, but I would feel this asymmetry too. I am always way more concerned about stepping over my T's boundaries instead of his stepping over mine (not that he does). I am actually that way with everyone. Their boundaries count, but I don't get to have them, or I talk myself into not feeling invaded when people cross mine. Do I even have any? Those are rather roundabout thoughts, but somehow I see your strong concern for possibly having stepped across T's boundaries as possibly matching with a tendency to be weaker about maintaining your own (you have said before how people have taken advantage of you in the past, which might be another way of saying they did not respect your boundaries). I am always bewildered how people can cross my boundaries (my doormat behavior) when I go out of my way to be ultra-respectful of theirs. Maybe I am just always hoping that people will respect my boundaries if I respect theirs. And that's my only way of telling people my boundaries--by being very respectful of theirs.

I don't think I'm being very comforting about this, treehouse, but I hope you can stop beating yourself up about this for now and wait to deal with it when you see T. I think your reaction to what you did is very much worth exploring in therapy, once you get past telling your T and learning that it does not mean the end of the relationship. I believe very strongly that your T will understand.

Dear sweet Treehouse - from what youve said about your T here is what i think he would say....

oh really, you saw the house? what did you think of it ? are you going to make me an offer? lol

its public knowledge - it wasnt hidden away - you could just have easily found it if you were browsing real estate

I think you are beating yourself up about this and that T will understand and not think its a big deal - you said he knows you loked at hisd facebook - heck if it was private he would have closed it - and most people are curious - i have googled my old T - didnt find anythign - i really wanted a pic so i could put it on my firidge when i go to binge eat and see him and hear him in my head saying - now ask yourself is this going to be good for you? short term gain? long term pain?

I hope you discuss it wiht T my dear sweet friend - im sure T will get rid of your fears

please let us know how it goes ok

big hugs to you

P7

(((((tree)))))

So many of us google our Ts and try to find information about them. It's hard not to when it's so easy, just a click with the mouse. My T knows I found her on Facebook, but there's not much to see. Her husband's page has his friends, though, and that includes their kids. I also have the directions to her house. Remember I started a thread about wanting to go by her house, but instead, I looked online, only at the outside, though. I didn't tell her that.

I don't think your T will be angry. It's hard NOT to be curious, and I think Ts understand that.

Just want to send some support to you, Tree, and echo all those who are saying trust the process and your T to get you through this gently, in his loving T way.

I've had some times when I really screwed up and didn't want to go to a session because I was dreading T's reaction to whatever I had done. Every time he was always his calm, gentle T self who made me feel better and glad I showed up. I was reminded that he could handle anything I brought before him even if I couldn't, and each time taught me that I should quit doubting and second guessing myself so much and start trusting him more.

Your T can handle this even if you can't.

Thanks

It does help to read your words. I think I have this fear that I'm not totally letting myself feel that T will TERMINATE me. He is very open with self-disclosure, but...I don't know, it wasn't just his space that I saw, it was his FAMILY'S space, and that feels really icky and intrusive to me. I keep trying to imagine his reaction. It really could be anything from "how did you like the house?" to "I can't work with you anymore"...

We have SUCH a long-standing relationship, and this isn't a pattern for me - it's the first time in almost 3 years that I've done something like this - so I hope it will be okay. I know it's natural to be curious.

Sunny, what you said rings really true for me- I do tend to be much more careful about other people's boundaries than my own. And if I feel like I've crossed a boundary, it's very shameful and uncomfortable for me. Like now

I guess the one good thing that's come of this is any curiosity I have about T and his personal life has completely dissipated. I realize now that I don't really want to know about T's personal life. If we were friends, I would for sure...but as T/client, I want things to just be how they are. T self-discloses quite a bit, and that is PLENTY for me.

I e-mailed to see if he has an opening tomorrow (I see him Tuesday), because I would REALLY like to see him twice this week before I go out of town. He's usually all booked up, but we'll see.

(((((( Tree ))))))) I hope T can see you Monday.

(((((Tree)))))
I do think it will be all OK when you tell him, and I know you will tell him because it's eating you up inside.
I think you have a clear idea of what type of boundary crossing or violation will result in termination - this is not it.
So you know, I did download the pics from my exT wife's FB page (only ones with him, none of the kids). Put some on my phone, because I miss him SO much and want to see his smile. Just a way of saying, what you did is normal, how you feel is normal, and it could be worse, like mine?

@WePow, I tried to make a Mii of my exT; my 8 yr old kept asking who it was and then he deleted it.

I e-mailed T to see if I could see him on Monday, and he e-mailed back that he has a 4pm.

scared.

I'm so glad he has an opening. ((((((((treehouse))))))))

I'm so glad you get to see him twice before you go out of town, tree. I know you are nervous about telling him, but not having to wait any longer to do it is a good thing. It will be ok.

(((((( Tree )))))))) you can do this. Slow. Gentle. Feel the waters as you go along. And trust in what you experience that comes back from T. Speak from your heart with honesty.

I am really struggling tonight

I am so anxious about my session tomorrow. When I am anxious about therapy, I ALWAYS reach out to T, usually just to send an e-mail about what's going on.

I don't feel like I can reach out to him for help, because he doesn't know what I did yet. So asking him for help - even asking him to read an e-mail - feels so WRONG. Like, he will be reading it, feeling concerned, thinking about it, whatever...and then he'll find out what it's about and he'll realize he wasted that mental energy on me. It feels almost like stealing his caring.

This has brought up a LOT for me - a lot of fears, a lot of realizations about my feelings about T, a lot of realizations about things in my life that I'm not happy about. I am very very careful to not let myself think about - or admit - that there are certain things in my life that are not okay with me. Somehow, this has brought all of those things to the forefront.

I am SO sad and SO scared. My arms feel like jelly typing this.

(((((((Tree)))))))

I'm so sorry that you are so anxious tonight. I wish that you felt like you could reach out to T.

T's carinng is his to give away. We can't steal our Ts caring. Their healthy boundaries allow them to give it away when they can/want to. And they are able to take care of that themselves. I wish you could email T just to tell him how anxious you are about tomorrow.

Remember to breath.

(((((tree)))))

I know how it is to be anxious about a session when you are afraid of how T will react. It probably doesn't help when everyone tells you it will be okay, and he won't be angry with you. If you email him, he is not going to feel that he wasted his mental energy on you. You're very important to him, and he will want to explore your feelings about what you did. He is NOT going to punish you. I hope you can get some sleep tonight. Just think of how much T cares about you. That's not going to change. If you feel like you have to email him tonight, then do it.

I did send T an e-mail, asking what would happen if he were angry at me.

And when I sent it, I remembered ALL of the times that T has told me that whenever ANYTHING comes up between us, we will work through it. He says that's what we do best. He has told me since the beginning of therapy that if he gets angry, he won't leave - he says he is committed to me, and our work, and our relationship.

I am trying to hang on to that. I know T really does love me. And I'm afraid this will ruin that. Like even if therapy continues, it will be DIFFERENT. I'm afraid of being punished, and I feel like I *deserve* to be punished.

Growing up, the word "love" really had no meaning, although I didn't get that at the time. So love could be given and taken away at any moment. I don't want T to take his love away

(((((Tree)))))
I hope that sending the email relieves some of your tension. (really all of it, but I don't know if that is realistic.) I'm glad you emailed him to ask, and that you remembered what he said to you before. I know sometimes it is really really hard to remember the good and supportive things our Ts say when it seems like we are losing control of everything. I'm glad you remembered that. I hope you can continue to hold onto that until your session tomorrow.

Tree, I hope that today will be good and that you will get to experience what a healthy relationship feels like.

Tree - I think Phoenix puts it well. Besides, after T's house sells, he will get some other house and the photos won't be published and then he will have his confidentiality back that you feel you've breached.

Fear not, all will be well. ((((((((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))))))))

Oh wow. I seriously feel like I'm going to throw up.

I think a lot of this is old stuff - the fear of being punished, the fear of love being taken away, the fear of someone finding out I'm "bad". But it's hard to separate that from now. I don't know what feelings are now, and what feelings are old.

And then there is all of the stuff this has brought up for me related to my current life

AND the guilt and shame I feel about crossing a boundary. ugh

My session is in 8 hours. I have an EXTREMELY busy day ahead, so i know the time will fly.

scared.

take care (((tree))) hope you all goes well today