[looking4polaris]

Recent posts and some of my recent sessions have got me wondering about this. What makes a T a good T?

Naturally, I think my T is awesome. Lately, I've been wondering...what if he isn't actually awesome What if he is just mediocre and I don't know it. I've seen lists of questions to ask prospective Ts and things like that. What about a list that helps you know if the T you've been with for awhile really is any good. Maybe that stuff you gloss over and say is just one of those things he does or doesn't do is really a Not-so-good-T habit.

Of course, there will be wide variances due to personal preferences and types of therapy practiced. But, in general, what are some of the things that you think make your T a great T? (And if you don't think your T is great, what are the strikes against T)

I'll think on mine tonight and post tomorrow.

[lorna]

A good therapist listens and attempts to give suggestions that are reasponable. My therapist is like on the same page as me, she understands from what I say how my life is, she is supportive. She is reliable, not cancelling on me, nor late. Lets me talk and doesn't overtalk me. Tries to get me to iimprove myself and push myself not beyond what i can handle. Gives me a better understanding of my real reality, and helps me with acceptance. I couldn't live without my therapist, and make sure that i am open to anythin she provides cause i trust her.

[growlycat]

My T is great at looking at the big picture, at all things affecting my mental health and is good about checking in on these issues (sleeping right, eating well, excersizing, meds etc) He has been a "rock" for me for years, consistent, observant, patient, very very caring.

My T does have some "blind spots", issues he is not great with compared to others. Also, once I bring up traumatic stuff we both find it hard to revisit the topic. But the overall situation is fantastic with him.

Your T just needs to be "good enough" for your situation. I haven't gone wrong with trusting my instincts!!

[Melbadaze]

are you happy within your therapy relationship? Do you feel internal changes? These are a good indicator.

[trueFaith]

Naturally, I think my T is awesome. Lately, I've been wondering...what if he isn't actually awesome What if he is just mediocre and I don't know it.

Hi looking4polaris!
A very good question! I definitely understand your concern. I often think that too, even if a have made some real progress and have a lot of days when I can see how brilliant he is, but then, there it is – the doubt – what if he is just mediocre?

For me, the doubts always come with the transference and when he frustrates me, “forces” me to progress and I resist. At those times I always thinking; Hello! Therapy is not supposed to be like that! Something most be wrong here! Why do I feel like crap? The doubt is one way I show my resistance in my process of change. The doubt is something I can use against my self, because I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get rid of my past, and the “little” resistant part inside of me know that and use it “against” me. This resistant part gets "his!" nourishment from my doubts. But it seems like I’m on my way out of this scenario, finally!

When my T is frustrating me, it stirs up repressed feelings. This feelings come from within, but I have a tendency to blame it on my T – you made me feel this way and you… but after a while, often on my way home, I start to “own” my feelings, can link them to the past, mourn my loss and so it goes on and on and on...

I have made a list of what I like about my T as a reminder when the transference reaches its peak. And it is long!

Maybe this excerpt can be of any help.

“It can be very confusing. Therapy is not a tea party. The best therapists push you past the point where you're smug and comfortable. They lead you to make changes in your life, even though you want to stay stuck in the same safe ways you've been stuck. They won't accept your self-flattering claims at face value. All of these practices can make you hate your therapist sometimes.

But I'll be blunt. If your therapist isn't pushing you past your comfort zone, you're probably not getting your money's worth.”
http://www.revolutionhealth.com/blog...-hate-my--7060

[Melbadaze]

Thing is though, in the beginning of therapy we perhaps have to gage how we feel about our therapist along simpler lines? For me the first yr or 2 was basically making me safe, to much "pushing" or whatever in the beginning would have been dangerous, so we use our instincts, 2ndly, I'm always wearly of self aggrandizing therapists that have written lots of books and blogs about how wonderful they are, thats a red flag for me.

[trueFaith]

Yeah, I agree! My T let me talk and talk and talk, most “rubbish” , in my first year or two.

It’s a very fine balance. There is a differences between push and trying to control and steer the client because of the T´s own frustrations and perhaps unconscious motives.

My experience though, is that when it feels too good, nothing happens – that’s why it feels so good, nothing stirs up. I´m not into the "No pain, No gain" but developmental mourning doesn’t feels good at all, working through the abandonment depression feels like h***, but it will do good in the end.

[Melbadaze]

Yes I agree therapy doesnt always make you feel "good", but I think one first has to feel happy within the relationship to be able to tolerate the times when negative emotions begin to surface and hopefully if you've reached this stage and still feel safe and happy within the theraputic relationship then chances are one will be able to withstand the times when we suddenly "hate" T. Though I am the first to say therapy isn,t just about making us happy, I believe there is a basic happiness one will always carry with them toward their T, I first had to love and feel loved before we safe enought to go deeper has been my experience.

[trueFaith]

Absolutely, liking our T´s is a prerequisite to change. For me, it’s so obvious that I totally forgot to mention it. But of course, feelings of trust, safety, care, empathy along with a lots of liking or loving is fundamental.

PS: I think it’s good if one can write here as writing a manual. (Those who have made a manual think certain things are so obvious, but we who are trying to understand them sometimes have no clue at all.) And as you can see, English is not my tongue and when I’m in a hurry is just getting even worse.

[JustWannaDisappear]

I feel comfortable sharing my feelings with her. I feel like I can trust her. I was in therapy several years ago for two years with the same therapist and I never felt really comfortable with her. I felt like I had to put on a show and pretend everything was good. With my current T I don't feel anxious anymore, the first two sessions I was wound pretty tight but the first session I burst into tears and that's when I knew we were a good fit because I don't cry in front of anyone.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by trueFaith

Absolutely, liking our T´s is a prerequisite to change. For me, it’s so obvious that I totally forgot to mention it. But of course, feelings of trust, safety, care, empathy along with a lots of liking or loving is fundamental.

PS: I think it’s good if one can write here as writing a manual. (Those who have made a manual think certain things are so obvious, but we who are trying to understand them sometimes have no clue at all.) And as you can see, English is not my tongue and when I’m in a hurry is just getting even worse.

I think this thread shows just how difficult it is to pin down exactly what makes a T a good T, Perhaps theres something loaded in the title, I mean what is good? But our posts have given me more food for thought. Thanks true faith.

[looking4polaris]

Thanks you everyone for your insights. Many good things to thinkabout.

My T is also my pdoc, so sometimes I have to keep those two parts of him separate. He does that pretty well. I just have to remember, Oh he's being pdoc now.

T is very calm and caring. Nothing ruffles his feathers at all. He always has the perfect reaction to whatever I bring up.

He does not push - ever (but sometimes a poke or two would be helpful )

He doesn't lead me to say anything or ask any questions (Even when I need help figuring out what I'm trying to say)

He doesn't write down a lot, but does a fair job of remembering things throughout our time together. He is lousy at remember the big important stuff and should consider marking those down

To put a positive spin on this, I will say that he is teaching me to hande my own crises by not answering his ememergency pager about half the time I've needed to use it. Also, he's terrible at returning phone calls. Sometimes they just don't get returned (very annoying when it's about scheduling)

Overall, he seems to be doing the right things, and we are comfortable together. It just seems like we are game pieces and you could change out either one of us and it would keep going just fine. I'm not sure it matters who's sitting there doing the talking just so long as the space is full.

I'm just not sure.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I am the first to say therapy isn,t just about making us happy, I believe there is a basic happiness one will always carry with them toward their T, I first had to love and feel loved before we safe enought to go deeper has been my experience.

same here. Well, feel respected and heard, anyway. Thanks

[Oceanwave]

Being professional, is what matters to me a lot.

Complete honesty. Very important to me.

[rainbow8]

A T has to be dependable, trustworthy, honest, and compassionate. My T is all of those. For me, it's important that she's gentle and accepting. She makes me feel like I can tell her anything and it's okay. Other Ts told me that but I didn't always believe them.

It's the little things, too. She notices if I'm uncomfortable where I'm sitting or if it's too hot in the office. She offers me tea or water. She cares about my family even though she hasn't met them. She doesn't have a lot of "rules" that other Ts have. She treats me more as an equal yet she's strong and confident.

[WePow]

1) Compassion with firmness. I feel that he cares about me. But that compassion is like a good parent who will not allow me to just have my way.

2) Honesty with wisdom. I can see though lies and even "little" ones. I NEED my T to be honest with me. But I also need him to know when to NOT say something that could damage me further - even if it is the truth. For example, if I say something about how I am having SU thoughts, I need him to be honest and not be happy with me about it. I need his body language to show that what I am saying is not acceptable to him. But I need his words to not say what I think he is thinking which may be "If you do that, I will terminate your therapy." :-) ((sorry a bit of humor to make my point)). I need both at the same time. My T is fantastic about doing this. And I get it that it must take skill and experience to pull this off. Another reason I could never be a T!

3) Availability with boundaries. There have been times I needed my T to be there - and each time he was. But it was in his honest way within the context of his boundaries. There were times when I wanted T but did not need him and he stuck to his boundaries. I wasn't happy with that at all. I threw my fit. But it taught me lessons my parents never taught me. And now I am much stronger and no longer feel bad in my own life for setting personal boundaries. Also, I am far more open and available to the true needs of others at the same time.

I believe a good T teaches by example.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by WePow

1) Another reason I could never be a T!

I hope that at some point in the future you give that one a second thought.

[WePow]

Oceanwave - thank you. But I fear I am too honest for many people. I don't have much tact and tend to just say what I am thinking. I hurt people that way. I would never allow myself to be in a position of trust with others who need a T. I just cannot trust myself to not say the wrong thing and cause damage. Soooooo.... I spend the time I can on PC and help my peers here. That way if I mess up they can just ignore me I hope!! :-)

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by WePow

Oceanwave - thank you. But I fear I am too honest for many people. I don't have much tact and tend to just say what I am thinking. I hurt people that way. I would never allow myself to be in a position of trust with others who need a T. I just cannot trust myself to not say the wrong thing and cause damage. Soooooo.... I spend the time I can on PC and help my peers here. That way if I mess up they can just ignore me I hope!! :-)

Great list of cons, WePow. Hope you will allow yourself at some point to write up all the pros as well, and see which list is longer )