avoidance

So T went abroad for 3 wks and we're now halfway through...
before she left she wished me a happy birthday in advance and advised me to "celebrate big".

I don't want to celebrate at all.

My family is asking what I want, what I'd like to do, etc. They mean well I know it!! but I feel myself pushing them away, panicking because they are coming in too close.

ACOA would say that I was The Lost Child in our family. When I was young, there were years when my parents had no clue as to a good Christmas gift for me; they'd sit me down with one of my older sibs and the big Sears toy catalog, and I would hear, show me what you like SAWE.
- a kid's toy paradise, and there wasn't anything I was drawn to.

Two years ago, looking back on that, I told T, it makes me sad to realize that they didn't know me at all. Today I see that I was keeping them all at arm's length, and am doing it still. I don't feel any animosity toward any of them at all; I just want them to forget about it, forget about me, don't bind me with your gifts; keep a safe distance, leave me alone. And I can't say those words to people who intend me good, it's ungrateful and twisted.

You are having this response for a reason. It isn't ungrateful or twisted, it is a natural response from you due to what you experienced while growing up.

Oh, (((((((((sawe)))))))))))

I can so relate to keeping people at arm's length.

I'm trying to remember T's words to me yesterday....that these things are not coming up for our destruction, but for our healing.

Be gentle with you

sitting, we always asked all of our kids to make a list from a catalogue at xmas and that was exciting for them...i think parents are so afraid of making a mistake that want the kids to be in on it...parents have a rough idea but kids favoRite toys change from week to week sometimes...it doesnt have to mean they didn't know you...Infact perhaps they knew their kids so well and how they change that they offer the catalogue?

I don't know, it sounds like you are holding yourself at arms length too? What do you want?

I would find something symbolically solitary, books, for me, and ask others for them, maybe tell each person a single activity you would like to do with just that person? You know how one can have a progressive dinner where the dinner party changes location for each course? http://www.ehow.com/how_4557940_thro...ve-dinner.html I would do something different and I'd be the only one changing and I'd do it over the week or month so I wouldn't get overwhelmed by timing or people.

(((SAWE))) I know the feeling. I do not like being the center of attention, or the one people are focusing on. I like to be hidden in the background. It is seldom that I open myself up to anyone.
The mere thought of birthdays and celebrations makes me shudder. Don't feel guilty about it...it is what it is. Can you tell your family you prefer something subdued and quiet? Maybe just cake at like 7pm one evening...shortest amount of time, quicker recovery?

they only did that with me. And Perna - I don't know what I want. I never did.

Sitting, I dont want to take away your feeling of pain here, I guess I'm seeing it differently, ie, perhaps they knew you were more particular and couldnt just get away with buying you anything and wanted to make your day as special as possible?? I dunno, as I say I'm not taking away your feelings of being unseen. I certainly can hear your frustration/pain/saddness.

Hi MDaze,
I guess you had to be there. I wish you could take away the pain of it; I wish I could adopt your alternate view but I cannot. I was there.

This was just one instance. I could tell you more but you'd be wanting to charge me $150 an hour, lol. At any rate I wish they'd stop asking me what I want them to do about my birthday. "ungrateful and twisted" is just how I feel.

sitting, nah the fee is waived...and yes your entitled to feel how you feel, and your right, I wasn't there...take care.

Not much patience with myself, I will try to remember this.

Decided that if we (11 people) could go someplace where the young people would have a blast, that would make me smile (and take the focus off me). So far everyplace I have thought of would cost $$$....

I guess I am wishing T wasn't so far away, kicking myself for being so clueless and dependent (and ungrateful and twisted. My my, aren't we Miss Cognitive Distortion this week).

Yeah, how dare you be these things! You have been through whatever you have been through and you should have turned out perfect anyway! The rest of us can only develop in a healthy way by having been raised in a healthy environment, but you, no you are different and you should not have taken anything unhealthy out of your unhealthy environment.

(I do hope you get that I am being sarcastic here)

(((sawe))) I can so relate to your post.

Growing up in a family that doesn't talk about emotional wants and needs, except for physical things like toys (clothes, etc) is so frustrating and confusing for a kid. And feeling apart from family most of the time, then expected to feel something more at times like birthdays and holidays is confusing too. And maybe it felt hypocritcal, or like we only matter at those times. Gifts are supposed to have meaning. It's the thought that counts, we learn. A lonely child's needs are not filled up with gifts.

There are so many feelings around this for me, I wonder if there are for you too.

Indeed Echoes I think we're on the same track (as usual).
After some of the horrenduous things that happened in our family, it was time for birthday or Christmas celebrations and they'd ask, what gift do you want? I never found it in the toy catalog. I had no words for it, but what I wanted was for us to be a real family, without secrets, without tyranny, without favoritism, without manipulation, without agendas; with hugs, with acceptance and encouragement, with safety and security, with love and teaching ("nurturance" I guess is a word for some of this).

I don't know what to say to Sannah's points (not disagreeing, just don't know what to say); in therapy yes I have discovered a lot of what was really going on in my FOO, what my growing up years were really like; but I am still pushing that knowledge away, it HURTS. What is it going to take to move to the next step? I don't know how.

The family members who could have made it different are all gone now; the ones who remain were not responsible for all that but still I keep them at arm's length, and my DH, and everyone else - even T, who still comments that trust is so difficult for me. I don't know how to change it.

((((SAWE))))

There is a lot to what you are experiencing - and it has nothing to do with any flaw you think you have. You were a child who had to emotionally defend yourself through the years. A huge part of that defense may have been to push the parents away from you. ? Sometimes it is more empowering for a child to perceive they are pushing a parent away than for the child to have to accept that they have been left out or "lost" when the parents do not daily meet the emotional needs of that child. So on a daily basis, the parents are treating the child as though the child is invisible. Suddenly it is a "special" day and all eyes are on the child "what do you like???" - well, to a child, that feeling would be such a dramatic difference to the daily routine that it could make the child very angry or upset or suspicious at the least.

Just tossing out some ideas for you. Big hugs!

Boy, do I get this.........

This is totally understandable too......

Next step? Acceptance? and getting out by going through........

When we are growing up we are supposed to be letting our feelings out and processing things by our parents talking to us and acknowledging our feelings. When this doesn't happen this stuff gets stuffed and the machine won't work if it is overloaded. The path to health is to unload this stuff and allow those feelings out. It is the only way.

Yes, that is exactly what I meant. I can so relate.
When what you really want more than anything in the world is a need that is going unfulfilled, a material thing just doesn't have much meaning.