why does it feel like T's not there?

I agree, the relationship itself is a big part of the healing.

I know what my T would say if I said this to her:

she would say that nothing in life is permanent, that we never know how long someone will be in our lives, that I should be focusing on the fact that I have her now instead of worrying about someday when I don't have her.

and I do understand that, to a degree. Using mindfulness to stay in the present is very freeing and reduces distress, I've learned that and I believe it. But I can't help the way I feel, it's not so easy to just stop feeling or thinking something. If only it was, right??

Zoo, when I talked about it with my T, or maybe it was in an email, she said "We are together NOW." She does yoga and practices mindfulness so she tells me similar things like what you think your T would say. It's true we only have NOW. We don't know what the next day will bring. But that's EXACTLY what's so scary and depressing for me when I think about it. The not knowing, and wanting that feeling of safety I must have missed in my childhood.

yes. Yes! And this is why I want so badly to find what I need from within myself. Because I am the only person I know I will never lose.

This reminds me of a quote I read the other day:

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
-Oscar Wilde

I went back to my email from last night, to see if I wanted to send it. I added more to it and I realized when I got to the end that I had written a goodbye letter to t. It made me cry and cry.
Why am I doing this to myself? I don't have to say goodbye to T, not right now, not today. Maybe it's the beginning of processing the emotions, maybe starting to face it now will make it less scary when the real thing is looking me in the eyes.

I don't know, but I need to stop torturing myself with this and just breathe.

((((Zoo )))) Can you maybe picture yourself as t - do a bit of role-reveral. And read this to yourself? If you want, you could take the letter in and let T read it aloud to you and let yourself pretend to be T hearing it for the first time?

Just tossing out some ideas because I sense you have a reason for this letter, and I think you are strong enough to face what the root of this pain really is. BIG safe hugs for you!

(((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))

I think you should talk about this with your T. It seems to be coming up a lot for you lately. Fear of termination is an important thing to talk about.

you're right, googley. I just went to leave a message for my T but then I realize it was only a week or 2 ago that I left a message for her saying basically the same thing. I didn't leave my message. I remembered what she said last time. I know she'd be like...wtf? Why is this coming up again now? And I don't know. I think I am lonely and let myself get triggered by what other people around me are going through.

so, yeah. I'm putting it away until I see T on Tues. I'll print out my email and decide when I get there whether I want to give it to her or not.

Sounds like a good plan.

I don't think it is a bad thing that this is coming up again. These things come up over and over again. It is okay to talk about them as much as you need to.

I agree with googley, zoo. And I think it may be coming up again for you because my thread was triggering. Sorry about that. I'm sure T will understand, though, that the same fear was triggered again, and that you need the same reassurances she gave you a week or two ago. Sooner or later they'll stick.

I think your plan is a good one. I hope you are able to find the courage to give the email to T, zoo. I think there is a lot of healing work that could be done with the feelings this is bringing up.

((((jexa))))
You don't have to apologize. I think your thread was a little triggering for me, but I made the choice to read it. Also, I had a really hard week with people close to me losing loved ones, so it was just an emotional time. Please don't be sorry, ok?


and ((((googley))))
thanks for your words. I worry about coming here and always posting about some abandonment/transference stuff w/my T, but if not here, where? That's what I'm going through. I know it must be redundant to read. Imagine how redundant it is to feel.

She might also be like, "Oh, zoo. This has come up twice, it must be important to you. Let's talk about it so I can understand how you're feeling better."

It just struck me, zoo, because I always feel like there must be a reason for how I feel, that if there's no reason, i don't have a right to feel how I do. But we can just feel how we do without always understanding why, because we are complicated beings.

I relate to T feeling far away.

Hey Zoo remember you (or I) may never get over this. I think that we have both probably thought about this one through and through. However let me remind you that I have repeatedly (laced with shame and humiliation- how can one not feel that way when bringing this up to T?) talked about this to my t. And the benefits are great. The reassurance and just plain willingness to talk about this as much as I need to are like salve on a wound. I think it is much better to be open in therapy about this because if you don't you will quit. I know because we can't handle those intense feelings. We do go to therapy for many reasons right? talk to her Zoo..........

I've been away this weekend and haven't had access to the computer, but I jumped on this thread as soon as I hit the site because I SO relate to this. I feel like my T just vaporizes when I leave her office. I think it is why I rely on email so much with her because her responses help me feel connected to her and remind me that she really does exist "out there" in the world. It's crazy to me and I hate it. I feel like I child who hasn't learned object permanency or something. She went on vacation a week or so ago (I did, too, so it isn't like I was home either) and I literally had a meltdown. I hate that I feel so dependent and clingy to her. It feels like a negative thing to me. She has reassured me over and over and over and over that she will not leave me until our work is finished, that she cares about me, that she believes my story, and on and on and on....and when I am with her I can believe it but when I leave I can't take that with me. It's like all the good I can't carry with me. She even gave me a little something that I always carry with me, but even then - I don't know. I don't mean to make it about me. Sorry. I guess I just want you to know that you aren't alone. Sometimes I feel like I spend more time (or as much) dealing with T relationship issues as I do my CSA issues!! She is an AWESOME t, and gives me so much out of office contact and time, but I just don't get why I feel the way I feel. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. (((Zoo)))

yes. this. I wonder if (for me) it's not all tied into my lack of sense of self and the huge sucking hole inside me, that makes me not able to carry the good with me. I certainly don't seem to have trouble carrying the bad, though.