[WePow]

Today was my first visit in my T's new office. I know why he had to move there... and he kept as much of the old way his office looked... but now there is a couch ... and it makes sitting looking at him odd and very off square which totally f'd with my OCD crap. I kept my purse right with me part of the time as I was mostly ready to just run out of the office and not look back!
And I don't like the long hallway with tons of doors for other offices... ANYONE could just walk into that space off the street. Thankfully the walk is not too long down that hallway so I can run now that I know where T's office is. And there are stairs that go to the second floor (thankfully he is on the first floor). I hate the fact that it is more downtown and there is just way too much traffic when I leave. Driving after therapy session is hard enough for a DID person, but leaving in rush hour will be risky if a younger alter comes out or if my angry alter happens to be too much there like it was when I left today.

I have a hard time with change anyway and I was shaking when I finally got to his office. I stood outside his door for 5 min trying to figure out if I just needed to open it or what... I opened it and shut it silently several times before finally deciding to go in - it goes into a sitting area first then over to T's room behind another door.

Now I have a migraine and I was so dissociative that sometimes I didn't understand a thing he said. I am not mad at him... I am just mad at the dumb universe as it obviously hates my face. He was asking if I was feeling SU and I said "NO" and knew the answer was NOT NO !!!!


The whole universe is changing everything in my life right now at the exact same time with work and with T and with my limited friends circle. I totally give up at this point. He told me to take it one day at a time and I thought "Well, for now that is the only option I have!"

He was asking about seeing me again this week but he didn't have time when I am not at work. He was asking about Friday and was going to have me see him while he was doing testing for someone (he doesn't need to talk with them when he does that) and he could just see me... I really appriciated the thought and offer but honestly I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER IN A BILLION YEARS want to go back to "THAT PLACE" .... I HATE IT !!!!

Yes, I am hard with change but it is like the universe took its giant hand and b***h slapped me!!!!



Oh and I didn't see any of the stuffed animals my alter Little One gave T - which he does work with adults. I don't care really - not from an adult standpoint. But not seeing them just made me totally feel like I no longer had a T even though T was there. Ir was like I didn't belong there at all. Maybe I don't. Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to grow up

OH and I found out that someone I know "kinda" (Been to a few parties years ago where she was there - she happens to be a sorta high profile lawyer for lesbian / gay rights in my limited social group So now I will be extra mindful of NOT letting her see me as she still hangs in that social group and my ex-S/O (who was a primary abuser when I was a kid) may still be hanging out with her. So now I am terrified that she will see me and tell my X that I am going to see a therapist! And then my X is the type to sign up to go to my T if she know that!!!! IDK.

I feel childish for feeling this way and the adult side of me is very happy for T because it is HIS space. He worked hard to get his practice and to do things his way. And I am very thrilled that he has this! He is a very wonderful T. So why does it hurt me so much just to have the change?

[Oceanwave]

((((WePow)))))

Have you tried expressing these feelings to you T? I suspect it would help if you could somehow let him know how you are feeling about the change. Perhaps you could just email him your thoughts and feelings. It seems to me that your T's moving brought up many painful things for you and they need processing. Don't be too hard on yourself. So many of us find change difficult, and you are doing great just being in touch with those feelings instead of pushing them away or explaining them away as "discomfort". The child part of you is obviously very unhappy about losing your old safe place, and her anger and upset are perfectly understandable in the current circumstances. Let these feelings out, it is a very good idea to vent, in my opinion!

Talk to T, and see whether he can make this new environment feel safe for you. You are the best person to advise him. Otherwise how will he ever know?

Sending you lots of *hugs*. Actually I'm also quite p***ed off that he moved. How dare he????!!!

[WePow]

Thank you for saying this. I sent T this post

We Pow, sorry things are so hard for you at the new office. I wouldn't like it one bit if t moved his office... like him to be buddah, never changing...

[geez]

(((Wepow))) I think that it's great that you shared this post with your T and I hope you see T on Friday even thought it feels like the last thing you want to do right now. Wishing you comfort.

[jexa]

So glad you sent this to your T, WePow. (((((((WePow)))))))

Sounds like all the change was a big big big trigger.

[Kacey2]

Wepow,
I am really sorry that you are having such a hard time adjusting to your new surroundings in t. I understand that people with DID have a hard time feeling safe in their environment. And once you have found that safe place it really shakes up your world if any little piece is changed. Could you let t know that you would feel a little safer if some of those stuffed animals that you had in the other office could migrate to his new one? Maybe like a grounding technique in a way. So you can see them and remember this is my t and this is a safe place for me. It will take sometime to adjust to this new space for you so it's ok to go slow and take time to regain your safe place.

[BlackCanary]

I feel you!
My first T moved his office one floor down. Private windows above ground to not private, people walk by. Big office to small office. Sitting at the table together to plain old chairs facing.
It felt like a HUGE change, took a few weeks to get settled again.
Hope you feel settled soon

[granite1]

wepow i hope he brings out your animals.change is so hard.sending you so many safe huggs

(((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))))

That sounds really really hard. I'm glad you e-mailed T...good for you. I hope some of your stuffed animals find a home in T's new office

[jazzy123456]

I'm sorry it was hard for you...change is never easy! I hope your T will understand why you feel the way you do and help you process it...you've probably done a lot to get this far in therapy...so i wouldn't give up, even though the change is difficult...you wouldn't want to say goodbye to all your good work and time spent in his office? maybe this can be an opportunity for T to help you learn, cope, and embrace---change---maybe this is more of an opportunity then a negativity? who knows. all i know is, i hope you feel better soon!

JAZZY

[WePow]

Thanks guys for all your replies and insights.
I was awake almost all night trying to push it out of my mind.
I don't want to do therapy any more.

I will make myself go to work today and try to have enough of a good attitude to not get fired, but honestly going to therapy was one of the main reasons I was pushing myself to keep working. I thought I needed to get through all this trauma stuff and figure out how to fix my broken bits inside. Need money and/or insurance to do that.

When I did go to sleep about 2 AM, I had a dream about a lady who was like a second mother when I was a teen. In the dream she was yelling at me and I couldn't do anything right - I was trying to make her some tea ((( T .... hummmmm )))) and everything I needed was moved and in different containers. I finally just got mad and threw all the stuff out onto the floor because she wouldn't tell me where the sugar was. I never dream about her, so that was odd.

Feeling right now is no longer anger or pain. I feel distant inside and removed from the world - almost like I finally agree with the universe that I don't belong to it. ??
Whatever. I don't have any strength left to fight all of this. It is not just T - there are major changes at work and they are getting ready to renovate the room I work in. They brought new people to the team that I don't trust and don't know. The one co-worker who I have been working with for 10 yrs is now working from home which makes me open up the building --- and that includes stumbling over the bums sleeping in the doorway (something that triggered me last year into my breakdown as I was afraid they would hurt me one morning) Now I don't even care about that. I wish they would this AM. I don't care anymore. Oh and yesterday I didn't even get to tell my T about the stupid customer I have who was also a major part of my breakdown last year - he told me on the phone yesterday "So did you get on your broom Sunday and go for a ride? HA HA HA HA" ((Implying I am a witch))

This is just not my world and I don't get it and never have. Looks like I never will.
T asked me what I needed and that was what went through my head a lot last night over and over. I have no clue! I guess I just need to not be me.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((( WePow )))))))))))) you have given me so much; I hate it that I don't have any wonderful solutions right now, but I wanted you to know that I'm here, and I hear you, and I care about you. Wishing you great peace

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by WePow

makes me open up the building --- and that includes stumbling over the bums sleeping in the doorway

Maybe they are just poor needy people like you and me...

[WePow]

Patchy - yeah I usually give them a few dollars when I have to walk over them.

My T wrote back and the email is so kind. He wants to see me Friday after work. He told me nothing about our relationship has changed. And he is looking for just the right basket for the stuffed animals. I wish I did change better.

[velcro003]

aw its ok wepow. you did the right thing by e-mailing your T. I knew he'd reply and make you feel safe. keep going, keep reaching out to him, because you KNOW he makes you feel better. you two can work through this new change with his office and work so that you feel like you are equipped to handle hte world. go back and read all those amazing posts where you have felt so connected with your T. or your own tender advice to other people struggling with their therapy. you can do it. we are here for you.

[Oceanwave]

((((((WePow)))))))

Have you tried focussing on the potential positive aspects of change? You will have some new colleagues at work, who can turn out to be friends. They are not part of that "evil" workplace yet, and you can have some fresh, bright, unprejudiced people around you to talk to. Also, are there things you like about work T's new office? It is bigger, brighter, nicer, smells fresh and new? Imagine the time when he will have moved all your soft toys and other safe and stable objects over there. And you know he will remain the same old T you always liked. Will you like the place then? Are there any advantages of being in the town centre: it is busy, there are peope there, you are not alone, you WILL be in the here and now, in the nice bright present, when you step outside his office. Would it help you ground, what do you think?

Think about change as moving forward. You are changing too, and in a good way. You are moving towards a healthier you, and the world around you is trying to do the same. And your T will be a happier, perhaps even better and more balanced T, as now he has his own office, something he always wanted. Try to hang on to the good things; even though things are changing around you, there is stability (your S/O, your home, your T, your friends).

[mixedup_emotions]

((( HUGS )))

I believe this gives you a wonderful opportunity to work on this very kind of change. How opportune!

(You can slap me now.)

I hope your T helps you work through this....((( HUGS )))

[WePow]

I am reading what you all are sharing and appriciate it much.
I am at work and can't cry - but it is right here with me - this lump.
I will get through it - it is just not fun.
My customers keep asking me what is wrong and I am trying to sound normal. One of them who has known me for 10 yrs now said "I never heard you sound like you do today - you sound like someone dropped an anvil on your heart."

Wow - I thought. That sorta sums it up.

[Oceanwave]

(((((WePow)))))

You do sound very depressed. I'm worried about you. Are you aware of how down you are feeling? Please call your T if you need to. Don't spiral further down. Talk to him, or a friend. Reach out.

*hugs* to you

[WePow]

I will see him Friday - he is "making" me go. I don't want to call him right now. I am sorta sitting in my misery and just being blue. I will get through it. I just have to allow it to be whatever this is - which is total stink right now. After I am done with the processing, I will be happy again. It is nothing against my T - he is being great - as always. I just sometimes hate the universe as a whole. And today is one of those days. I am mad at the world and that is "OK" :-)

[mixedup_emotions]

((( HUGS )))

It's so hard to sit in the misery - even when knowing that it is only temporary. It's good that you understand that, even though it stinks so much at the time and is hard to believe. But it does pass.

I am glad your T is "making" you see him tomorrow....

[darkrunner]

((((((((WePow))))))))))
Yep, it's ok. The world can take it.

Be kind to yourself.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

((( HUGS )))
It's so hard to sit in the misery - even when knowing that it is only temporary. It's good that you understand that, even though it stinks so much at the time and is hard to believe. But it does pass.
I am glad your T is "making" you see him tomorrow....

(((Hi WePow)))

I don't know if I can offer you any comfort with this... but I could relate to that phrase. I felt like I had an anvil dropped on my heart when my previous T told me she was leaving (retiring). I stared blankly out into the universe and I asked what the point was. It was as if my mind and my body were lead and it hurt to move, to think. I tried with all of my might to just keep breathing... and one week went by, then two and three. I went to see other T's but was numb and angry just under the surface. Nothing was right. Basically going through the motions. I did not want this change. Four weeks... Then I met my new T. At first I was still numb but there was the most tiny thaw. And now... knowing it was so hard, I also know it was the right thing. It was the right change. This new T has said things that are new and different and it has all helped me. I can see now how this change has actually been a benefit. I guess I am not saying there is a purpose to everything... there are some things that yes, seem to have no purpose... But I can say that I went from feeling so hurt, to feeling cared for again (and like I can keep working). As mixedup_emotions wrote, it does pass. Just keep breathing and focus on the now.

E

[rainbow8]

WePow, I know I didn't reply to this thread but I read it and I was thinking of you a lot. I'm glad you're seeing T tomorrow. Change is hard for a lot of people, including me. I'm glad you reached out to T. He's a good one!