[WePow]

What is wrong with me?

My little brother was in town - which was great. I enjoyed seeing him and his wife. It is not the brother with the nieces, so I didn't have to worry about any of that. But over breakfast this AM he told me that he had large blank spots of memory from the years where we were growing up.

I ended up almost crying in public because we were talking about that stuff and I told his wife that was the reason I will never go back to Florida. She had went off in an email a few years ago and said some odd stuff she later appologized for. But one of the things she raged about was trying to say I needed to take care of the parents. So I was making sure she knew why I could never do that.

For some reason, saying all that just put me over the edge a bit.
I ended up drinking today - which I had been doing great controling. And doing some other bad behavior t hings which now just makes me even more angry with myself -

So I wrote myself in my email journal but then dumby me sent it on to my T. UGGGGG!!!! As if he wants to hear all that junk!

I am not seeing him until Friday. I saw him last Monday. I am now feeling very strange because with the holiday, I have not had any real communication or even email in several days. Can't I just hold it together without HIM???

I hate feeling like this.

[Ygrec23]

Smart moves, dumb moves. Bright words, stupid words. Things we're proud to have said and those we regret bitterly. WePow: we all do it, and you know it. Everyone. You really don't have to punish yourself. You know that. Your T will forgive you. Even your brother and his wife will probably forgive you. There are, as you know, oh so many circumstances in which we're released from any obligation to take care of our parents. No one who knows the facts will blame you. And those who don't know the facts don't count. You can do this. You can take care of yourself. Later this week you can walk into your T's office and be fine, if you want to. Take care.

[WePow]

Thanks Ygrec. I just ... I don't know how to explain it. I also had a very strange dream about my best friend that really messed with my head and I am not even sure how to process that. It was just a dream but it messed with me. Then there is work stuff that keeps just getting deeper and deeper with junk. And they are getting ready to roll out even larger things that will really bring down even more pressure. And I honestly can't learn stuff right now. So I already feel like I am just barely hanging onto my job by a thread. But I don't have the energy to change jobs or go back to school. I started to have a little energy this past week but then seeing my brother zapped that.

I just keep feeling like the harder I try, the harder it is. I feel like I am in emotional quicksand on days like today.

[bpd2]

WePow, I'm really sorry you're feeling bad: You're being too hard on yourself for panicking about how to self-soothe. It sounds like you've started doing more constructive efforts, though--emailing your T, which is not so bad: T's get this about us. It's hard not to feel like you've abused them or been disrespectful, but they really do accept us, or they wouldn't work with us. Please don't worry. If are worrying, you might try following it with "Disregard the previous post!" in the subject line. That gives you the option of adding text, something like, "I think I'll have a lot to talk about when I get there!" The beauty of that? It's that they may have already read it, but won't feel the pressure to respond to complex emails (feelings, emotions, references they don't understand all jumbled up together), or you can follow up your 2nd email close to your appointment with the request that NOW might be a good time to read that first email.

But, I hope the email anxiety is fading? How long have you worked with your t and does he already know what sorts of soothing techniques you use? In any case, I hope he won't judge. Do you really think he will?

What strikes me as important is the need for acceptance and love, the anxiety about whether it's there, and the sheer exhaustion of the holidays. Holidays are so tough on us--maybe wonderful, but tough: Disrupted schedules, pressure to seem "normal" to people we hardly know (or by whom we feel misunderstood), the permission the culture gives to excess at this time of year, the expectation that we will re-new bonds with family--no matter how complex or what a bad idea that might actually be...........They're exhausting--especially if you're hosting others! I"m pretty impressed that you did that! I'm sure my Thanksgiving only went well because there were absolutely no requirements of me, and we spent most of the time playing D and D and pinochle!!! If I'd been hosting anything, I know my strength would have failed as soon as they were out the door. YOU DID GOOD!

[rainbow8]

WePow, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I don't think anything is WRONG with you. It's logical that being with your brother and his wife, and talking about your past and your parents is going to trigger you. It's okay to want support from your T too.

I like the way Ygrec put it. No one is perfect. No one is completely healed from the past. We just do the best we can, and go on from there. Maybe just accept that tomorrow you'll be able to climb out of the quicksand. Today is maybe a day to distract yourself with something nice for yourself.

[WePow]

Thank you, bpd2. I am still holding it together but confused as to why I can be this under things after being able to come so far. Suppose I just want to be fixed! LOL.
I ended up drinking even more but am not feeling the effects AT ALL which is now really making me MAD. I just want to not feel THIS. It is like something inside that I can't even put my finger on! I can't name it. I just feel it and want IT to be gone!!!!!!!! UGGGGG!!! I tried to do my artwork therapy and that didn't help. I cleaned my house. That didn't help. I went to see a friend who is not doing well - trying to help her out - but that didn't help! I did my drumming and prayers and everything else I could think of doing but nothing is working today. It is insane how I can't shake whatever this stupid emotion is that is now just really really making me angry.

Rainbow, thank you too. I am trying very hard right now to distract myself. I just... ugggg... I don't want to cry anymore. I cried too much and am sick of that too.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by WePow

Thank you, bpd2. I am still holding it together but confused as to why I can be this under things after being able to come so far. Suppose I just want to be fixed! LOL.
I ended up drinking even more but am not feeling the effects AT ALL which is now really making me MAD. I just want to not feel THIS. It is like something inside that I can't even put my finger on! I can't name it. I just feel it and want IT to be gone!!!!!!!! UGGGGG!!! I tried to do my artwork therapy and that didn't help. I cleaned my house. That didn't help. I went to see a friend who is not doing well - trying to help her out - but that didn't help! I did my drumming and prayers and everything else I could think of doing but nothing is working today. It is insane how I can't shake whatever this stupid emotion is that is now just really really making me angry. Rainbow, thank you too. I am trying very hard right now to distract myself. I just... ugggg... I don't want to cry anymore. I cried too much and am sick of that too.

WePow: Being "fixed" is not a "state," it's a "process." And the distinction between a state and a process is that in a process it takes continual energy and attention to keep it going. So, unfortunately, there's no relaxation. That's not a bad thing, that's a good thing. When you don't have to use energy and attention, that means you're dead. Seriously. I think you know this, deep down. I know all about hurting, and I sure do know all about drinking. Don't torture yourself about it. It happens. Can you sleep it away? Can you fantasize it away? Can you focus on being someone else who doesn't have that kind of problem? I know very well how scary work stuff can be. But you've handled it for quite a while now, and the chances are that you'll keep handling it for the near future, at the very least. I'm no all-knowing genius, but when I get into the kind of situation you're describing (very frequently, alas), I try (hard) to take a nap and mentally digest things. Please take care, and know that there are a lot of people out here who care about you, care about what you feel and care about what you do.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by WePow

What is wrong with me?

Sounds like some holiday doldrums, provoked by relatives. I was in the doldrums yesterday. Today I feel better. So this feeling won't be endless. You have done so much hard work and accomplished much in therapy (and in your life). None of that has changed because you are feeling down right now. I understand about wishing you hadn't emailed your T. I have sometimes felt that way about things I have told my T in session. But at my next session, he is never pushing it back at me and wishing I hadn't told him that. He is very accepting and welcoming of what I share. I think your T is the same way.

Hope you feel better soon.

[granite1]

wepow you arnt wrong all the horrable stuff that you had to survive was wrong.i think all the stuff you are doing to make a better life for yourself is awsome but it cant happen overnight.believe me i wish it could but you are moving foward every day

[WePow]

Thanks guys :-) I drank even more but don't even have a stupid buzz !!! URRRRR! I wrote T again and said I would do ANYTHING to not have this pain! I don't want to feel this!!! It is that simple. I am not strong enough to feel whatever this junk is that I can't explain!! urrrrrrrr

[googley]

(((((((((WePow))))))))

Please be gentle with yourself. You have had such a hard time this week. T will understand. I think you emailed him so that you can't hide what happened. So that you will have to talk about it.

[WePow]

Now my pc died!,, I still have my iPad but need the pc for work.
I hate today.

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( WePow )))))

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now.....

[jexa]

((((WePow)))) UGH!! Oh this sucks so much. It's like what else could go wrong, right? I'm sorry nothing's making you feel better. That is so frustrating, when you try to do the right things and they don't work, then you try the wrong things and they don't work, and nothing makes you feel better. In fact, it makes you feel worse because you feel incompetent and hopeless then -- "Nothing I try works, I'm not good at this" -- that is the spiralling place. It's like you got put in a hole and were given a shovel. And then you're trying and trying to get out of the hole, and what you have is a shovel, so you dig. And you dig and you dig. But what happens then? The hole just gets deeper!

I think what usually works for me when I can't change my emotions, is just letting them be, remembering that I can survive emotions, emotions in and of themselves aren't dangerous.

I've posted this before, but this is the NAME technique which works for me when I'm feeling really bad. Maybe it will help, maybe not. But you could give it a try?

Last week, we looked at ‘expansion’- opening up and making room for emotions, feelings and sensations in your body; allowing them to flow through you, without fighting with them or getting pushed around by them. And I asked you to practice the N and the A of the NAME technique:

N – Notice the emotion
A – Acknowledge the emotion by name
M – Make room for the emotion
E – Expand awareness

I asked you to pause for a few seconds and do a check-in, whenever you’re feeling stressed, and Notice what is happening in your body: where are you feeling it? What is happening in your forehead, jaws, throat, neck and shoulders, chest, and tummy (the areas of your body most commonly affected by strong emotions). And to do so with curiosity; to observe these sensations as if you are a curious scientist who has never encountered anything like it before, noticing the location, size, shape, temperature, pulsation, vibration, pressure, tingling, movement etc. And to then acknowledge the feeling by name, silently saying to yourself, ‘Here’s anger’ or ‘I’m noticing anxiety’.

Did you try this at all? If so, what difference did it make, if any? Hopefully, you started to notice a bit of detachment from your emotion; a sense of unhooking yourself or disentangling yourself from it, at least a little bit. If you didn’t, no worries; when you add in the M and the E of the NAME technique, it becomes much more powerful.

The M stands for Make room. How do you make room for a painful emotion? There are many different ways, but here are three of the most useful. I invite you to experiment with them, and find the one that works best for you – and of course, feel free to use any combination of them that you like.

1. Breathe and Open
Breathe slowly and deeply, and imagine your breath flowing into and around the part of your body where you’re feeling it most intensely. Imagine that as you breathe into the feeling, all this space opens up inside you, around the feeling. See if you can cultivate some sense of opening up inside, expanding around the feeling.

2. Create an Object
Imagine this feeling is an object. What is its shape, size, colour, weight consistency? Is it liquid, solid or gaseous? Is it moving or still? What temperature is it? Is it transparent or opaque? Light or heavy? Is there any sound, vibration, pulsation within it? If you could touch the surface, what would it feel like; rough, smooth, wet, dry, hot, cold, sticky, spiky? Try breathing into and around this object, and see if you can get a sense of opening up and making space for it.

3. A Compassionate Hand
Take one hand, and imagine that it is the hand of someone very kind and caring. Gently place this hand on the area of your body where you’re feeling this most intensely. Let your hand rest there, and feel the warmth flowing from your hand into and around the feeling. Most people find this instantly soothing. Leave your hand there for a while, and see if you can get a sense of softening up or loosening up around the feeling.

NOTE: With practice, you will reach a point where you can do this very quickly; in the space of a few seconds, you can notice, acknowledge and make room for the emotion.

And then what? Well then you need to Expand awareness – to engage with the world around you. Life is like a stage show, and on that stage are all your thoughts, all your feelings, and everything that you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell. What you have been doing above is like dimming the lights on the stage, and shining a spotlight on a painful feeling. Now, keeping that feeling in the spotlight, you simultaneously bring up the lights on your body. Push your feet into the floor, straighten up your spine, adjust your posture – notice both your body and your emotion.

Next, you want to bring up the lights on the world around you. So open your eyes and ears, look around and notice what you can hear and see. And notice what you’re touching. And notice where you are and what you’re doing. And whatever it is that you happen to be doing, engage in it fully; give it your full attention, while allowing your emotions to be exactly as they are.

NOTE: this takes a lot longer to write or read about than it does to actually do it. In practice, expanding awareness as above takes a few seconds at most.

***

Like any skill, the NAME technique takes practice in order to develop competence. And like any skill, every little bit of practice makes a difference. If you do this once a week, that’s better than not doing it at all. Initially, it’s easiest to practice NAME in less-challenging situations where your emotions are less intense. This will help you develop your expansion skills, so that over time, you can apply them in more challenging situations where your emotions are very intense. So why not try this when you’re stuck in a queue or a traffic jam, or waiting for your date to arrive, and you’re feeling frustrated or impatient? Why not try it when someone has pushed your buttons and you’re feeling disappointed or upset or annoyed?

REMEMBER: the aim is not to get rid of the emotion, but to stop struggling with it; stop amplifying it; stop letting it push you around or overwhelm you. The thing is, when you drop the struggle and make room for the feeling and engage fully in whatever you are doing, you will often find that the emotion does reduce or disappear. When this happens, enjoy it, but please look on it as a lucky bonus, rather than the desired outcome. Certainly, don’t start looking at expansion as a way to control your feelings, or you’ll soon be disappointed!

[bpd2]

So: since the drinking isn't working...uh...knock it off!!!!
What's an alternative for you? Are you trying to use drinking to go numb? Then get a good, scary action movie (I can't watch romances...I bawl and feel sorry for myself), something with a lot of suspense in it. If not a movie, how about finding a mine-sweep game or something like that in the arcade?

It really does sound like you need distraction/sleep. And, who-whee! have you ever earned it!!! You've had a tremendously busy day! Time to protect tomorrow? Go to bed, sweetie. (That's me singing you a lullaby! My picture, ahem, does not do me justice.)

[Sannah]

WePow, you were with your brother and you 2 were talking about the past and it really brought the past back for you and with this brought the feelings. I like Jexa's thoughts about not running from the feelings.

You have done great work on your past so far but now you are going to get triggered and you are going to have to keep working on these triggers and they will decrease gradually if you keep working.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by WePow

I did my drumming and prayers and everything else I could think of doing but nothing is working today. It is insane how I can't shake whatever this stupid emotion is that is now just really really making me angry...

Yesterday I discovered some writings I had done in 2005. I had almost no memory of doing this kind of journaling, almost no memory of doing the things that I related there. I was doing really badly at the time, and I do remember that, though it seems a lot longer than only five years ago. So I guess things really have improved for me from that time.

Yet it is so easy for me to fall back into the times when I feel I can't take any more of it. Why when I make advances are they not stable? I can go from one mental condition to another within seconds! It is very, very discouraging, very disheartening, very, very frightening. And I really don't know what to do about it: as a child, and as an adult, I have been so much attacked for not always understanding everything, that losing the understandings that I have gained feels extremely dangerous. I feel that I will never get any of those understandings, those insights, back again.

The only thing to do seems to be to just "accept" that what is going on, is going on -- and to try to figure out why it is so. Not to attack myself for doing it, for failing, as I have been taught so much by others to do. I find this very difficult, because the instinct is to attack myself -- after all, that is what I was taught to do, by so many people that I trusted. Exhausting and frightening to try to take a different course, one that seems to bring no rewards, none at least outside of myself.

I am even now imaging being attacked for writing this. Maybe I should just keep quiet about "me". Maybe what I have to say is not relevant to anyone else...?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

as a child, and as an adult, I have been so much attacked for not always understanding everything, that losing the understandings that I have gained feels extremely dangerous. I feel that I will never get any of those understandings, those insights, back again.

The only thing to do seems to be to just "accept" that what is going on, is going on -- and to try to figure out why it is so. Not to attack myself for doing it, for failing, as I have been taught so much by others to do. I find this very difficult, because the instinct is to attack myself -- after all, that is what I was taught to do, by so many people that I trusted.

Exhausting and frightening to try to take a different course, one that seems to bring no rewards, none at least outside of myself.

This is really good insight Pachy and you even have a good plan here too. Keep going with your plan. Be patient and have faith that you will get results if you stick with it.

[WePow]

(((((all))))) thanks so very much. T wrote back last night and told me to just take it one day at a time. I was already in panic about this week at work and it was way too much. He compared it to trying to eat a whole pizza at once. At least I found out that he "LOVES" pizza :-) That was nice to hear from my T. Made me feel a little safer once he contacted with me.

Thanks so much for all the wonderful advice. i will be sure to keep reading the insights today while at work.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by WePow

What is wrong with me?

My little brother was in town - which was great. I enjoyed seeing him and his wife. It is not the brother with the nieces, so I didn't have to worry about any of that. But over breakfast this AM he told me that he had large blank spots of memory from the years where we were growing up.

I ended up almost crying in public because we were talking about that stuff and I told his wife that was the reason I will never go back to Florida. She had went off in an email a few years ago and said some odd stuff she later appologized for. But one of the things she raged about was trying to say I needed to take care of the parents. So I was making sure she knew why I could never do that.

For some reason, saying all that just put me over the edge a bit.
I ended up drinking today - which I had been doing great controling. And doing some other bad behavior t hings which now just makes me even more angry with myself -

So I wrote myself in my email journal but then dumby me sent it on to my T. UGGGGG!!!! As if he wants to hear all that junk!

I am not seeing him until Friday. I saw him last Monday. I am now feeling very strange because with the holiday, I have not had any real communication or even email in several days. Can't I just hold it together without HIM???

I hate feeling like this.

((((WePow)))))

It might not sound like it when in the middle of a crisis, but those of us who have followed you on your journey know that you have made huge progress recently. Imagine mentioning these difficult issues to family members a few months ago? What would that have brought on for you, had it even been possible? Even now, talking about it to others will be triggering; that's just a fact. If you think about it, people without a history of trauma don't have to worry about all this and have these kinds of conversations. They don't always have to navigate horrific family truths through the channels of decorum. It is a very difficult task, and you are doing it, so please give yourself some credit. It is hard having to convince members of the family, having to tell them about the things you'd rather keep hidden; it is hard to know what to tell and how - and unfortunately no one else can do it for you. WePow, this is a tremendous burden. And you've been managing so wonderfully: you haven't actually needed your T for several days and have been stable for quite a long time. Do you remember where you were only a month or two ago? Going from crisis to crisis? You might be feeling terrible right now, but remind yourself that this isn't the case most of the time. And that is impressive progress!

You are asking "what is wrong with me"? Well, someone in the past did something horrible and unforgiveable to you, and now you have to live with it, recover from it, reinvent yourself and your life, and on top of all that, explain it to everyone in the family. Hmmm. Any volunteers? (((WePow))), I wish perpetrators asked the "what is wrong with me" question a bit more often. The world would be a much better place.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

I wish perpetrators asked the "what is wrong with me" question a bit more often.

Oh boy. How scary would that be (to them)?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

I wish perpetrators asked the "what is wrong with me" question a bit more often.

Yeah, if they could be this self reflective they wouldn't have been perpetrators in the first place........

[WePow]

I am still without my home computer - they had to order parts. uggg... So the only time I can get on PC is a little at work like right now, but I have to start work in a few min. But I am reading the replies and they are helping me tons. A lot of good stuff to think about. I am doing better this AM. T responded again in email yesterday from his iphone and let me know that yes, he was thinking about me. That made me feel better. And I had a dream about him last night :-) He had tons of people outside his office and was doing all sorts of stuff, but he cleared one chair for me and asked me if I would like to wait inside his office for him. I felt special. I woke up this AM and I wasn't upset with T anymore :-) LOL