T Issues Are Affecting My Therapy

I'm afraid my t's issues are affecting my therapy with her. Her mom died about 6 weeks ago, so i know she's going through a transition. I've tried to be understanding and have offered my condolences and asked how she's coping from time to time (she always says she's handling it fine, but i think she doesn't tell me if she's struggling since she's the t).

She's been taking some long absences. The first one was when her mom was sick and dying. After that, we had 2 sessions. Then she was out for a week (in town but not at work). When she got back, we had a session where she was uncharacteristically blunt and pushy with me. I felt like all of a sudden, she was pushing me to get better -- and for some reason, my gut told me that maybe her mom dying had got her thinking about her own life and she was pondering retirement again (she told me 1 year ago she was starting to think about retirement but had no plans). I wondered if this was true and was feeling bad that she might be pushing me really hard just so that i'd get well and she could retire.

I was also feeling bad because she made a comment a couple of weeks ago that hurt. She said, "I know you carry around the DBT book, you bring it when you come in here. But do you ever use any of the skills in it?" That made me feel like she didn't think i was making enough progress or really trying to get well. She doesn't usually talk like that, so between questioning my efforts, and pushing me so hard, i've really felt hurt -- not to mention anxious about the idea that termination could be on the horizon.

Last week, i told her how i felt. She admitted "there are some things going on in my personal life that might make me want to push harder." I knew she meant retirement, and i told her i thought she should retire when she wants to retire. I don't want her feeling like she can't retire when she wants to because i'm not better yet. She'll come to resent me, and i don't want to be an object of resentment. I told her i may not be ready/healed by the time she wants to go. She said that i was not the only reason that she hadn't retired yet, but i was one of the reasons. She said "there are a few places i'd like to get with you before i go."

I guess i feel bad because i don't want her staying on my account and resenting me -- but i also don't want her pushing me beyond my limits just because she wants me to be at some expected "place" in my healing. When she pushes me, it makes me feel like it's not for my benefit in healing, but so that she can retire and not have to feel bad about leaving me behind. She knows i have terrible abandonment issues, and I've always feared termination, so i'm sure she is concerned about how i'll do when she's gone. But it's not right for her to be pushing me so hard just because she wants to retire soon.

She just took another week off too, and with all her absences in the last 6 weeks, it has been hard for me to continue keeping that connected feeling with her. Especially after she questioned my efforts with the DBT skills. I dunno, i just feel like she's losing her commitment to working with me. We've worked together 10+ years, but i feel like it's coming to an end soon, and i'm feeling really bad. She said she has no specific plans still, but i just seem to be picking up on some frustration on her part, and like she's ready to throw in the towel now and i'm standing in her way.

This sounds really, really tough. I'm not sure what to say other than I hope everything goes okay. Have you thought alot about her retirement? Has she given you a time frame? I would want, like, minimally 2 years notice!

Sounds like you still need to talk to her about this.

definitely does sound like her issues are affecting your therapy/therapeutic relationship and I definitely agree further discussion is important, so you can understand where her thinking about your therapy is, and she understands your feelings about it better!

Losing a parent is really tough, that's all I can say.

My sister's a therapist, and when our dad died, she rearranged her therapy schedule for at least 2 months (between being with Dad while he was sick, and then dealing with the funeral and so on, and dealing with other family disruptions.)

The stress, the feeling of being suddenly unanchored -- for us, that lasted a while.

I agree that you should talk to her about it some more. (But maybe she is just having a hard time adjusting to her mom's death.)

-Far

Hi peaches, sorry you are going through this. I would have been hurt by the dbt comment too.

It sounds like your therapist is a bit confused right now. It sounds like she is still reeling to be quite honest. I am confused why she would be talking about retirement right NOW. Retirement can be an extremely stressful and it has only been 6 weeks since her losing a parent. Maybe that is putting her off her game? It sounds like she does not want to leave you.

I too hate getting brusque and/or pushy advice. I try hard to remember that the other person thinks they are "helping." But it still drives me crazy!!!!!

Hi Symbiosis,

Yes, I think alot about my t's retirement. It always strikes a ton of fear in my heart -- it always has. No, my t has not given me a timeframe, but she says she has no definite plan yet. She did reassure me that she would know "months and months" in advance.

Hi Sannah,

We did talk about it, but i feel distant from her now. We had been starting to do some pretty deep intense work with "child parts" before her mom died. And now I feel like i don't want to go back to that deep work with her because it takes so much trust and willingness to be that vulnerable with her, and i just feel like if she's not in it for the long haul anymore, then i don't want to "go there," you know?

I'm not blaming her. It has to be really, really hard to lose her mom, and she's at an age where she can retire now and get Social Security. I can't blame her for thinking about wanting to make that change in her life soon. But at the same time, this is my life we're splaying open and trying to piece back together. It has taken much longer than i expected it would to heal. I've been with my t for 10 years now and was really hoping i'd be done before she retired. But it's not looking like that's going to happen now. So I'm going to lose her while i'm still healing and, honestly, i don't know if i can start with a new therapist when she goes. It has taken literally "years" just to get to the place where i can truly trust my t enough to get into the nitty gritty deep stuff. So i just feel "pre-abandoned" already knowing that my t is thinking seriously about retiring soon. I guess a part of me thinks that if she's not going to be able to stick with me until i'm done, then i want to button up all the unresolved trauma pain and just stuff it back down and forget about it, including any child parts i have. I don't know if i can keep moving forward when i feel like our time is getting short.

((((((((((((( peaches ))))))))))) I know the day will come when I stand where you are now, looking at T's retirement. many hugs to you for the pain I know this is causing you.

I'm wondering whether yr T has any thought of retiring from full time work but retaining just a couple of clients? She knows of course that you two are working in deep waters and how immensely hard it would for you to begin again.

for myself, hearing "months and months of notice" would not reassure me; I'd need to talk to her about how she could work out a way to stay the course. Discussing this is going to take courage on your part....

(((Peaches))) - it is a very difficult position to be in, and i wouldn't know where to start. I think that she should probably have taken some time off to get herself sorted out - and had a temporary T look after her patients.

While I understand that my T is human, I would prefer her to be open and honest if she's having a tough time, take the time out to heal and not affect me nagatively. If I felt terrible vibes, I'd never be able to connect and therapy would be painful and stressful for me - for the wrong reasons.

I hope you can resolve this soon - I know how important your therapy is, but it does need to be productive and you need to be able to connect.

Did you tell her how this is affecting your ability to keep working with her now?

My therapist lost both of his parents in the course of one year. It was extremely hard on him, he lost weight, he's always impeccably dressed, but something just seemed a little off.

I told him that he needed to eat a sandwich or two, drink some ensure or something and simply asked if he had someone to talk about it with. Without a doubt I grieved for him, but it did not take over my therapy.

He genuinely thanked me. Then we carried on. I did give him some time, and shared some of my thoughts on death. Not in a way like "this is what your parents' death should make you feel", but several sessions later, in response to something else. We exchanged ideas. It was nice.

Fortunately, I'm not worried about my therapist retiring, he's already told me he's going to work until he dies. He loves it and has no desire to stop.

When my therapist is direct with me, I definitely take it on the chin at first. However, there usually is some truth to what he is asking me to do. He's noticed something that I have not. Do you think there is any truth to the comment about DBT? If so, maybe you could do more.

Also, maybe you could talk to your therapist about which skills she thinks that you need to be applying - the ones that would help you most. It's a pretty big workbook, that DBT stuff!

Hi Sannah,

I did talk to her about it the week before last. She acknowledged that she hadn't asked me in a very nice way about using the DBT skills/book. But she insisted that she's not frustrated with me, more with herself because she doesn't always know how to best help me. While i appreciate her honesty, it doesn't make me feel much better. It still sounds to me like she is saying that i am not doing well enough in therapy.

She seemed to want to go back to doing "parts" work and trauma resolution work, but truth be told, i don't feel comfortable being that vulnerable with her right now. Those vulnerable parts of me were hurt by her comment, even if she didn't mean to hurt me. It takes a whole ton for me to be able to let somebody emotionally close to me -- yet that is what is necessary to open up and trust enough to do the trauma work. When i sense that she's getting impatient with my progress, especially if it's because she wants to retire and be rid of me, that is a very hard thing for me to overcome.

The funny thing is, i still feel compassionate towards her regarding her mom, and even gave her a card i made about mothers (it was sort of a collage thing). So i guess, in my way, i am still open to connecting with her. But it's in more of an "I'll give to you" way, rather than me being able to take in caring from her. I know that's probably backwards for the t relationship. I guess i am saying that i still feel hurt by her frustration about my progress, and scared about her retirement. But i still care about her and want her to know it. Still, since i feel like she gets unhappy with how i progress and i feel looming abandonment fears, i can't seem to let her in right now.

I think i'm disappointed too because she told me awhile back that she was thinking of retiring and going back to having her own private practice. She said she'd try to get on my insurance, and if she couldn't, she would work with me on the price of therapy. So for a little while, i was able to completely let go of my abandonment fears, since i thought i'd be able to keep seeing her after she retired. But now when i've brought up her retirement and my possibly not being ready to terminate, she has indicated that I'll have to go see somebody else. So apparently, she has changed her mind about keeping me as a patient once she retires. I wish she hadn't told me what she did before. It's like my ballon got popped and now I'm back to fearing her retirement again.

i know it is scary but did you remind her that she told you she would work with you being able to see her privately.or maybe she has decided to not open up a private practice

I think I'm really confused. I just emailed my t and reminded her of what she told me a year ago re: when she retires, she will go back to private practice and keep me as a patient. I said i assumed she'd changed her mind.

She replied, "Changed my mind about which part? About going back to private practice?"

I responded, "Both parts. But especially about working with me after you retire."

So then she says, "I would love to have a definitive answer for you but I don’t have it quite yet. I’m thinking about using a home office but not sure about it. I’ll let you know when I have the answers."

OK, so now i am really confused! If she is still thinking about retiring and going back to private practice, then how come recently, she has admitted to pushing me harder and told me, "There are some things happening in my personal life that might make me want to speed things up (regarding my therapy)"?

And how come recently when we've talked about my fears of her retirement, has she not indicated that we will still be working together afterward?

Why, when i told her i might not be ready to terminate when she retired, did she talk about the possibility that "You might always need someone to talk to."

I don't get it. I had assumed that she had decided not to do private practice after retirement because of how she's been toward me lately. But now it feels like she IS still planning to go back to private practice, and that the only thing that has changed is that she wants to be rid of me and not continue with me when she goes.

Peaches: I know the "not knowing" is very hard for you. But I think your T is telling you the truth. She hasn't made up her mind yet about whether or not she's going into private practice after she retires. She doesn't want to get your hopes up, but she doesn't want to tell you "no" for sure because she herself hasn't made up her mind yet.

She knows how important therapy with her is for you. Don't you think that she would tell you when she's certain what she is going to do? I think so!

I suggest bringing it up in your session when you are face to face. Then you won't have the chance for misunderstanding the email content.

yes, keep talking about it until you are clear with what the situation is/what your T is thinking. I think she is trying to be honest here, and maybe is really not sure herself what she is wanting to do/what her need is. Yet she is wanting to help you too. I think it might be hard for her to know just what to say, since she isn't 100% clear herself yet......I know it's hard for you though!

So you feel like she is admonishing you and wants to be rid of you? Does this trigger up incidents with your mother?

Hi Poetgirl,

My t said she's not frustrated with me, that it's me that thinks I'm never doing good enough. But I dunno. If i was doing good enough, she wouldn't get frustrated with herself because of thinking she's not helpine me enough, y'know? (Confusing!)

I sent her an email 2 days ago, where i brought up what she told me last year: that when she retired, she was going back to private practice and would keep me as a patient. I asked if she has changed her mind.

She said, "Changed my mind about which thing? About having a private practice?"

I said, "Abouth both. But mostly about keeping me as a patient."

She said, "I would love to have a definitive answer for you but I don’t have it quite yet. I’m thinking about using a home office but not sure about it. I’ll let you know when I have the answers."

Afterwards, i felt really guilty that i keep asking her about retirement. She has told me before that she hasn't made any clear decisions, and my anxiety about losing her as a t has made me ask her every few weeks. I also felt guilty that she told me earlier that I'm one of the reasons she hasn't retired yet (though I'm not the only reason). As much as i'm terrified of losing her as a t, i don't want to make her feel obligated to keep me as a patient if she really wants to retire. A part of me wants to cling onto her and cry and say, "PLEASE don't go!!!" But the adult part of me would not respect myself if i played on her emotions like that.

So i emailed her this:

R,

I’m sorry if you feels like I’m bugging you about this. I understand you haven’t decided what you want to do yet. I remember reading somewhere that when you’re going through a major transition in your life, it is not a good time to make any big decisions. So I’ll try not to keep asking you about it. It isn’t good for you to feel pressured right now!

I hope you know that I’m not trying to influence your decision. In fact, I am doing my best not to have ANY expectations about whether you decide to terminate with me or continue with me in private practice. I know everything is up in the air right now. My anxiety just gets the best of me sometimes.

The last thing I want is to lose you and our relationship. I know that whenever we terminate, it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I care about you enough to realize that this decision needs to be about both of our needs, and not just mine. I wouldn’t respect myself if I tried to make you feel obligated to continue my treatment, if in your heart you end up deciding that retiring and terminating with me is the best option.

I know you’ll tell me your decision when you make one.

The thing is. . .I'm trying so hard to do the good and right thing. But underneath all of it, i am scared to death about losing her!!! I don't know how i will cope if she leaves soon. Really truly.

^ one of the first T's I ever worked with (but the first one for the current problems I have) resigned from the agency I saw her at...it was only after 8 months, but I was a kid and I was absolutely devastated. It took years and years for me to get over it. I know how you feel.

Hi Fartraveler,

I've been trying to keep in mind that my t is going through a major life transition. I've tried to be compassionate and not demanding or critical. I even mentioned to her that i'd read where if you're going through a major life crisis, you shouldn't make any big decisions, so i'd try not to bug her to tell me what she's going to do as far as retirement. But inside, it's a fear i've always had, since the beginning when we first started working together years ago. I think the fear of the end has always kept me from being able to truly attach in a secure way, and has kept me switching back and forth from getting courage enough to trust and connect and work on trauma -- but then getting scared and detaching again. I wish that i had known when we first started working together that we'd be working together for several years. Then i would not have spent all that time worrying about the end and being afraid to attach. Now, we don't have much time left.

You have to take the plunge..........

Hi Lastyearisblank,

I don't know why she is thinking about retirement now. But she started thinking about it 1 year ago, so it's not all of a sudden. It just seems like something has brought it up to her mind more seriously again.

It hurts me that she initially talked as though she'd retire and go back to private practice and keep me as a patient, but later alluded to termination down the road and perhaps seeing someone else. Maybe she forgot she told me the former thing and changed her mind in the meantime?

Yes, it's weird how she has suddenly started being so pushy. She's been taking a lot of time off work too, so I've missed 4 sessions in the last 2 months. It has thrown my feeling of connection with her and my stability out of whack somewhat. But all i can do is chalk it up to her having some issues right now, maybe because of her mom.

Hi Sittingatwatersedge,

Yes, she talked a year ago as though she'd retire and go back to private practice and keep me as a patient. But recently when i've brought up fears about her retirement and how i might not be healed yet, she sort of alluded to me possibly needing to see somebody else. So i don't know. i kind of put her on the spot last week and reminded her of what she told me last year. So then she said she had thought of working out of her home office but wasn't sure yet. I said i wasn't trying to sway her one way or the other -- that i dread termination but want her to do what she feels is right -- and she told me "Thanks." So I just don't know what she will decide. . .

My t is actually out of town again this week. . .visiting her husband's dad in Florida. She said she told me awhile back about the upcoming trip, but i don't remember her saying anything about it. So, another missed session. This feels bad. . .

(((Hugs!)))