OMG! Why did I confess that to her?

I have been reading back through all these posts wondering why we think about this stuff so much! Why do I think about intimacy, romance, touching, does she like me, am I getting on her nerves, is she going to abandon me, what if I cross a boundary, what if I can't talk, what if I talk too much, what if I say something stupid, what if I make her mad,etc.....the list could go on forever.

I didn't do this with my best friend. I didn't worry about all this stuff, yet we did have disagreements and things from time to time. We just had an understanding about each other, loved each other, and worked through things as they came up.

I know that our therapist is NOT a friend, but it does feel like that most of the time. We do feel like he/she is our best friend, don't we? How can you not feel that way? I honestly think that before you get to that first appointment they should have some kind of booklet or manual to give to you. Ask you to read through it so that you are fully aware of what you are getting yourself into.

I realize this may scare the crap out of some, but I do think we should be told some of this stuff up front. Maybe we need a pretherapy session with someone to go over the process of what therapy is about. I am not sure it will help that much, but at least I am more aware of what to expect.

I sure did NOT expect to have sexual fantasies about my female therapist, I did NOT expect to have so much anxiety between sessions, I did NOT expect to think about her all the time, I did NOT think I would still be in therapy a year later, I did NOT think that I would fall in love with therapy yet hate it at the same time!

And I did not expect to get hooked on PC and spend hours a day talking with my friends about all the great things we experience in therapy, as well as all the insecurities, fears and disappointments that come with it as well. PC is has been an extremely positive thing for me. I would never have made it this far in therapy without the support of you guys.

Great! Talking about my therapist and those sexual fantasies gets things stirred up. Why? The subconscious mind? I am not freaked out by it anymore. I am learning to accept that this is just part of it. I may never totally get past these thoughts. Just like from time to time while in church, I think about him preaching in his underwear and if he had sex with his wife that morning?

Sometimes I think my mind is not right. Kinda like a pinball machine. Thoughts are bouncing off objects and spinning here and there. Connecting one thought with another that totally do NOT go together!

I am definitely feeling manic this weekend!

Oh Squiggle. You write what's in my mind and heart. Remember, Jazzy started a thread about needing a manual for therapy? I agree we do! My T says a lot of my feelings for her are from a young, hurt part of me. She doesn't call it transference but in reality, a lot of our feelings for our T are for others. Which doesn't make it any easier. Therapy is MEANT to stir up a lot of feelings, and then we can discuss them with our T. That's the goal. But it's weird, I agree. All of these feelings about therapy that we need a forum to discuss them. It's crazy, but I'm glad we have this forum!!!!!

I am with you, squiggle.....on the feeling manic part too!

****I sure did NOT expect to have sexual fantasies about my female therapist, I did NOT expect to have so much anxiety between sessions, I did NOT expect to think about her all the time, I did NOT think I would still be in therapy a year later, I did NOT think that I would fall in love with therapy yet hate it at the same time! ***** And I relate to this a lot right now.....I thought I had dealt with/resolved some of these sexual thoughts toward my T a few months ago. But then recently, here some of it comes again! And it must be the manic thing....but today, she was reading my mood journal (which I wrote at midnight the other night and it was a bit on the wild/crazy side anyway) and I was sitting there amused and feeling giggly anyway. Then the sudden random thought came of grabbing her and well...never mind , but anyway, I thought, oh wow, this is totally NOT how I usually think! What has come over me?! I felt sorta like this > and this .....
And then, she was talking to me how since I am feeling less inhibited and um...my sex-drive is feeling turbo-charged, I could try talking to my H about different stuff we could try that might help with the difficulties in our sex life and she was telling me specifics, too! Less inhibited or not, I still blushed.....and I asked her, just how do you KNOW all this stuff?! And she rolled her eyes and said, oh lord....So yeah, wow, it was quite a frank conversation which I don't think I would ever have imagined having with my T, or anyone, or my H, either! But maybe I will surprise him
Actually, I simply relate to most of what you say! About PC too....never imagined getting hooked or spending hours here either, but the truth is, PC is like that therapy manual for me and the support group, too, and I'm glad for it.

From time to time my feelings for my therapist get sexual and I feel really ashamed of this because she is like a Mom to me. Over the passed few years she has been hugging me at my request at the end of our sessions. When I told her about the sexual feelings and the shame and embaressment I felt about it she was so kind and gentle in talking with me about it all. She wants me to talk about it whenever I want to talk about it and she is totally OK with it. She said that they are my feelings and she accepts them. She also says this stems from very early maternal deprivation and it manifests itself in sexual/erotic feelings, but that it's more about primary needs than it is about sex. I told her that now that she knows about my feelings would that mean she would not hug me at the end my sessions. She said she would follow my lead and if I was feeing uncomfortable about it she wants me to let her know. So far her hugs have been wonderfully nurturing and I can hug her for as long as I need to. Sometimes its a quick hug, sometimes its longer especially if we had a tough session. Sometimes she hugs me and talks to me to help me relax before leaving. She is the best therapist.

You're quite welcome, thanks for the kind words. Yep, I spent about 8 years saying "I've never had sex or a boyfriend", and end of subject.

Wow, that's really kind. I appreciate that.

OMG! I just peed in my pants reading this! Laughing so hard I fell off the chair. Why? because I have thought the same thing. Like, "I wonder what she would do if I grabbed her crotch?"

Then I cannot get that thought out of my mind and I am trying my darndest NOT to look at her crotch!!! Crap! talk about embarrassing moments in therapy!!!

Mania! I have laughed myself into a super headache. My granddaughter keeps telling me to "Be Quiet, Neenie! You are going to wake my baby up!"

Lord help us all. Isn't therapy a hoot? I think I need to write a book about all the things I have heard confessed and discussed in here. I wonder if therapists REALLY know what goes on in our minds when we sit with them week after week?

I can assure you that my therapist would be shocked to know that I am thinking about grabbing her crotch, ripping her blouse off, wondering what she looks like naked, questioning if she does this or that when having sex, etc......

Maybe one day I will get up enough guts to ask her? NOT!!! I am sure if I confessed that, she would probably say, "Can you tell me why you feel that way? How will knowing those things make you feel?

My response: "Horny!That's how it makes me feel!" (is that against the rules to say that in PC?)

Squiggle, I will help you edit the book!

Whoever was going to write the booklet would have no way of knowing what any given client might experience in therapy. If they told me I was supposed to experience all that and I didn't, I'm sure I'd worry that I must not be doing it right.

I see your point on that one. Maybe there needs to be a lot more thought about what to put in the book. It might end up more as a comedy than one that is serious. May need a warning label to read at your own risk!

Don't get me wrong, I am not making a joke of therapy at all. It is very hard to go through. There are so many emotional ups and downs to deal with. I just try to throw humor in when I can. If I didn't, I would have lost my mind a long time ago!

Just thinking through some comments I read on here lately, makes me think we need some help! So many of us are just wingin' our way through therapy. Finding our way out of the darkness wearing a pair of sunglasses and our bare hands gropping around to find the way out.

In other words, the blind leading the blind! I can just see Squiggle leading with poetgirl behind her, rainbow behind her, and PTSDlovemycats on the end. All of us in the dark wearing stupid sunglasses, and trying to hang onto each other while feeling our way out of a dark tunnel!

No offense to any of you, but which one of us could be the leader? Which one of us has the most wits about them? I know that Squiggle, poetgirl and rainbow can't stop thinking about sex, so PTSDlovemy cats would have to keep them apart! Putting them together in a dark tunnel with those sexy sunglasses on may just be too much for them!

This makes no sense at all. But it was a good ride while I had a train of thought going. Mania comes and goes and then she doesn't remember what she is saying.

Bottom line: We don't want FoolZero to feel like she is not doing something right if she doesn't think about visually stripping her therapist down to her birthday suit.

And it is probably not a good idea for Squiggle, Rainbow, and Poetgirl to share all their fantasies with the world. This may cause them to lose their jobs! So I guess we are back to sharing all this joy with our friends on PC. Praying that no one gets offended or starts fussing and causes a thread to be closed.

Peace. Joy. Love. Can we all get along and be happy? I think Ambien is kicking in, so I better sign off before I say something really strange!

OH MY Squiggle! I guess I would HAVE to be the leader. C'mon, follow me...You guys have too much sex on the brain and would lead us in circles! And I think we would be bumping into each other constantly!Maybe even take a tumble!So I guess I will do the honours..YIKES!! How did I even get involved in this!?!

Squiggle - I have just read this entire thread (yes, all 12 pages) and want to say you are awesome! Your honesty and realism put a voice to some of the same issues we all face but are afraid to say out loud..so thank you

Oh my goodness!
I laughed until tears poured down my face and I choked! My little boys are like, what is so funny, mommy?! What can I say....'oh, just some grown-up stuff, boys' before I fall about in spasms of laughter again!I hope we aren't offending anyone, too.....because I am having a huge amount of fun with this and laughter is one of the sweetest medicines to take and it helps ease the frustrations that can come with grappling with such huge and complex and surprising emotions and issues that can come up in therapy. I'm certainly not taking therapy lightly or trying to make a mockery of my therapy or my T either because I actually really respect and regard her greatly (when I'm not thinking, like happened again this morning, about rolling around with her on the floor of her office or having her demonstrate how to use some of these toys she told me about!
or asking her if she has ever used them! later when I come down from this high I think I'm going to be mortified at myself).....but am actually confounded at the oddity and intensity of these thoughts and need to relieve/release the tension and laughter helps immensely! Also, usually I am so stinkin' inhibited and controlled I wouldn't imagine letting myself just hang loose and have this sort of fun, so I am going to enjoy this ride.....and hope it is a while before the roller coaster plunges back down!
I think we should just all link arms and all be the leaders and dance down the yellow brick road, off to see the wizard!
actually, I think squiggle has been the leader and got the party started!
hope you slept well, squiggle.....I guess it's pretty obvious I didn't sleep much!

come along, cats, you know it'll be fun - and fun to have you along too!

You got involved because I like you! I also know you were a bit down in the dumps and needing a pick me up. You also seem to like to add some spice/fun to the threads at PC!

I am in desperate need of lighter/happier postings in this forum! I spend way too much time worrying about my issues and what is wrong with me. Sharing this crazy kind of stuff with you guys makes some of that 'poor me' energy leave and allows that party side of Squiggle to come out!

I am really not a party girl (as in drinking and social things). My party is tame normally. Girlfriends hanging out and having good clean fun. Well, that is unless poetgirl gets those blasted sex toys out! That may just put a little 'dirty' in the mix.

She seems to be very...turbo charged about sex right now.....so you may end up having to break up a fight over who gets to use what toy!!

Squiggle, you're making me sound like a crazed lunatic perverted dirty-minded sex maniac! Who's the sex maniac, oh wait, it just might be me after all! Orgy anyone....no, please don't take me seriously here!
No, usually I'm rather tame too, sort of like this, you know, a good girl. My T says I'm conservative and really very mild compared to other bipolar clients she's had.....but then she doesn't know what went through my mind yesterday in her office either!
So this is a radical departure from normal for me. I'm feeling like thisand have to admit it's mania all right!

Okay, the yellow brick road? That's a bit scary at times. I don't like the Wicked Witch of the West! But then again, you could always attack her with a sex toy and shut her up! Unless she liked it and held you captive for a few days!

That would leave Cats, Squiggle, and Rainbow to head on over to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Now that is one place I could get happy in. NO, poetgirl.... not THAT kind of happy! But happy indulging myself in every kind of chocolate you can imagine.

But then again, I think they make your toys in chocolate, don't they? Oh Crap! Shut UP! Stop whining. I can hear you all the way over here! We will buy you some chocolate toys just in case you ever get away from the Witch. I am sure at some point you will wear her out and find a way to escape in that blasted helium balloon!

At the Chocolate Factory, we would really have to keep an eye on Rainbow when we pass through Skittles Island. She may just get lost in there, get stuffed in a Skittles Bag and shipped off to who knows where. Only to find herself stuffed in a Halloween pumpkin bucket on Halloween night. Anxiously wondering if that would be the death of her. One happy kid, one lost Rainbow. Crunch....oopss there she goes......we will miss you, rainbow

Cats is in charge now. Where are we going? If anyone else is reading this and wants to get away with us for a few days, please join in. I sure hope that this thread is not removed, so let's try to keep it as clean as we can so that does not happen!

Did you hear that poetgirl? Take care of your business so that you don't attack any of us on PC! Wherever Cats ends up taking us, I am not standing in line next to you, that's for sure! Squiggle will NOT be riding any rides with poetgirl until she promises she is cured and will behave herself!

Where is rainbow when you need her? Please get in here and help poetgirl stop thinking about doing stuff to her therapist!!! I am worried that she may get arrested!

Even though I took an Ambien, I was up until 4:00! I think I am definitley sleep deprived and my brain has gone to pot...or somewhere OUT THERE. I may have to take a detour from this Insanity and take a nap, but you can be sure that Squiggle will be back. I don't get vacation to Fantasy Land very often, so I would not miss this trip for the world.

PLEASE LET US HAVE FUN AND KEEP THIS THREAD GOING. IF WE BREAK A RULE LET ME KNOW AND WE WILL TAME IT DOWN. THANKS

OH MY GOODNESS, squiggle!!!!!! that is far out! you ARE in fantasy land.....or is it neverland!
Yes, I love chocolate!Chocolate makes me very, very happy ..... and I think those sorts of toys can come in flavors! Although I haven't done much shopping along those lines.....
Don't worry about me getting away from the witch, I'll just tie her up, drop Dorothy's house on her, hop in my balloon and zoom over to your house! See....here I come! There's no use trying to escape either.....I'll just beam you up and away we'll go! No policemen up in the sky...so nobody is getting arrested, unless you do before I get there!
Gosh, I think we both need to settle down! We're like this > Maybe someone needs to dump a bucket of ice water on our heads to shock us back into our senses!
Anyway.....I hope no one is offended by this thread either because I don't want to step on toes....and that no one holds my lapses into wild hilarity here against me either! I haven't really lost hold on my judgment or reason completely! (and at least this is a safer, more controlled outlet than other things that might run through my mind or try to run away with me, with me hanging on for dear life behind them! )

Can I come?

YES, Suratji you can certainly come. I think we may be heading over to Disney Land in Florida. I reserved a hotel for a party of 50 women. They know that we are all in therapy, so they have arranged a staff of professional therapists to keep us in line. How thougthful of them!

I personally have not been there in a long time, so maybe someone else can show us around. I do remember those elephant ride things. Will you ride with me and protect me from poetgirl? She is having some issues that are scaring me!

Actually, I am having the same issues and I don't think its a good idea for the two of us to be together right now. We are a bit on the sexual side and we may lose control if we get too close to one another. She has been a closet sexer for a long time and her therapist is trying to break her out of that. I guess peotgirl thinks I can help her? Not sure I am the one, but I think rainbow can offer some advice when she wakes up and smells the coffee! Rainbow, are you here?

So Suratji, where would you like to join in? Are you a leader or a follower? Do you have fanatasies that you would like to share?

Right now I would like to take ride with my therapist into the "It's a Small World" tunnel. That seems rather soothing and interesting. Surely nothing would happen in there, would it. Riding slowly along enjoying the view, when BAM! we ran into poetgirl's boat. She has another PC member with her and they are covered in chocolate.

Squiggle: "What's up with all that chocolate, poetgirl?"
Poetgirl: "Uuhhmmm....we got a little out of control."

Squigle: "Heck yea, you got out of control! You are not ready to be out here without your therapist. Go back to the motel and get your session time before you do something you will regret!"

Squiggle: "What did you say? That IS your therapist?"

Squiggle: "Poetgirl, YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE NOW!! You better get this mess cleaned up before someone comes along and reports you for crossing a boundary with your therapist. This is serious, poetgirl. It is NOT funny. Therapy is a very serious matter and you don't want to screw it up with chocolate and various instruments of pleasure."


Keeping it clean. Keeping it fun. Keeping our insanity.

Squiggle - I'm a leader sometimes and a follower other times. Maybe we can take turns. Fantasy vacation with a bunch of loonies - man, how fun will that be? My role - I'll be the good girl. Someone needs to watch out for all of you.

Suggestion - how about starting another thread, maybe somewhere else for us to take our trips on?

Yes! The more the merrier! Besides, I need someone along to keep squiggle in line, I'm worried she's going to stand up in her boat on this "It's a small world" ride, start dancing and rocking the boat, and end up making a big splash! Either that, or she's going to steal all my chocolate to share with her T and then what will I do?!
Come save us from each other; I'm not sure we're safe for each other right now!

squiggle, you keep topping yourself! I wonder who's more nuts here....or if it matters....
What ride should we go on next.....I know, maybe the Mad Tea Party! Watch out for the Mad Hatter, squiggle - oh wait, I should tell him to watch out for squiggle, you know, the one with the teacup on her head!

I've been thinking, we've gotten this thread way off topic....a new 'fantasy fun' thread for this sort of humor might be a good idea!
Yes, Suratji, you can be our chaperone! Clearly we need one.....

And I can supply all the chocolate. My husband and I have been manufacturing chocolate for more than 20 years. - Toffee, truffles, mints, turtles, caramels, creams, and on and on and on

OOOOHHHH, I am drooling.....excuse me, could someone please pass me a napkin; no wait, I need a towel! That sounds like chocolate heaven!