OMG! Why did I confess that to her?

I am getting rather comfortable talking about sex with my therapist. I mean, once that can of worms is opened, it gets a lot easier. Since I has those issues in my marriage, we seem to talk about it every single session! I would like to ask her some questions like she asks me: "How often are you having sex? Is it satifsying for you? Do you feel that your needs are being met? Is there something you haven't tried that you are considering thinking about doing? How does your husband feel about making changes?"

I doubt she would answer any of them, but I sure have thought about it. She just says that sex is part of a healthy marriage and when it is not happening, the marriage is more than likely struggling. Both parties need to come together and figure out what happened and how this relationship can be repaired.

My situation is different from most. With Sam being a quadriplegic, having sex can be very challenging. My therapist can be quite blunt at times. She asked me, "Are you just wanting a piece of meat or is having a real intimate connection with your husband what you are longing for?"

I just about fell out of my chair when she said that! Now it seems funny that she would be so blunt, but it sure took me by surprise when those words came out of her month!

Actually talking about sex can be fun with your therapist if you are comfortable with him/her.

Squiggle328 wrote:Talking about that could conceivably benefit your T, if she wasn't talking about it enough and whoever she talked to was a good listener. It doesn't sound as though you'd get enough out of it yourself, though, to make it worth taking up session time with. She probably wouldn't go for it, at least for that reason.

If I wanted to make the point that I was a bit uncomfortable answering questions like those, I guess I might consider running them past my (hypothetical*) T that way: "I'm wondering if I'm the only one who's uncomfortable answering questions like those or if you would be, too."

If I did ask, though, I'd expect my (hypothetical) T to want to explore further what about those questions I was uncomfortable with.

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*I haven't actually been in therapy for quite a while.

Talking about all this sex with your therapist is making my dreams go crazy! I am having some wild sex parties going on in those dreams. Not really a good thing when your therapist is in them! Why in the world have I gone to this? I mean, I was paranoid and freaked out that I even had some stupid thought way back a couple of months ago, then I get the nerve up to confess to her, get over that part, and now I am having wild sex parties in my mind!

I think I may need to take a break from therapy, or maybe just need to ban any talk about sex for awhile. Do you guys talk about sex very much? It seems that we are constantly going back to that! Maybe it is because I am longing for an inimate relationship with someone? I don't have that in my life, and I talk about that with her a good bit of the time.

Sex just pops its head in there every now and then. Oops! that didn't sound very nice did it? Maybe I need to reword that sentence!! I think I am tired and need to get some sleep. My mind is getting loopey and difting into areas that I don't need to talk about with you guys. But, if you want to talk about them, I will be here!

Can we talk about sex on PC?

I'm sure that I would never ever be brave enough to ask that question. If you do, please let us know how it goes.

Originally Posted by Squiggle328
This is starting to get too big in my head. Oh, no! That is so not good. I will start thinking about this, and then it will snowball in my mind until I am in a fullblown panic about touching her! I will think about it every time we are together.

Maybe I should address this with her and just say, "I have been thinking about the no touch boundary. Have you ever gone past that boundary? What were the cirumstances? How would you feel if I touched you?"

Don't have any idea what she would say. I sure don't want to get my feelings hurt and made to feel like I have cooties or something!

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Suratji posted~ I'm sure that I would never ever be brave enough to ask that question. If you do, please let us know how it goes.

Squiggle's response: I actually think I could say this to her. It would have to be the right moment for me, though. I can ask her just about anything and she usually will answer me. Just for kicks, I may do this on Monday!! I may even try to sneak a 'touch' in and see what she does. Thought about asking her if she would hold my hand just so I could see what that would feel like!

Wow, and I bet you 'dance as if no one is watching' (which I do, when no one is watching ) Let's do some more wild and crazy things.

I think it's better if you just do ask, that way it doesn't stay so HUGE in your mind! I have found that having the 'touch situation' clearly and explicitly stated between my T and I helps keep my feelings about it settled into a good, safe, manageable place.
For me, as my T says, touch is actually my primary love language (if you've read the book about the 5 love languages that's what I am talking about)....which is interesting considering how jealously I guard my boundaries. However, I think she's right - I DO have a huge need for loving, kind, reassuring touch - and I'm glad she understands that and offers something appropriate (a hug at the end of session) to meet that need that still respects her and my boundaries....

I think it is beginning to magnify in my mind. Not as big as the 'romantic feelings' thing. It is just weird to be with someone this long and I have never, ever touched her at all. I am going to try to focus on talking with her about this on Monday. Not sure how I will approach it, though.

I do think I need to do this before it gets out of control for me and starts hindering me in therapy.

Sqiggle- Good Luck with your therapist on Moday. Continue to be honest and you will be fine. MP

I don't want you to be hurt, Squiggle. I'm sure you know that many Ts don't allow touch to happen in therapy. It used to be frowned upon but I think times have changed. None of my 4 previous Ts touched me even when I brought up that I wondered what it would be like. When I emailed one of my former Ts when I was looking for my current one, and told her I wanted someone who might be open to giving hugs, she emailed back that I'd have to get my hugs in real life, not in therapy! She's a psyD, and not old-fashioned. Her orientation is CBT. She thought it was inappropriate for Ts to hug their clients.

Good luck with asking your T. This thread has been very interesting to me. Thanks again for sharing!

I am thinking that since she is in Christian Counseling maybe it will be different? We actually meet in the offices of our church organization. My pastor is across the hall, and worship pastor is next door. That can be a good thing, but definitely a bad thing sometimes.

I told her the other day that I felt like I was coming to church when I came to sessions. I said that may be why I am hesitant to show anger? Worried they may hear me? Worried that I am being 'sinful'?

Can she not even shake hands? I mean, I do that with my parents at school. It is just the courteous thing to do. Why wouldn't a therapist shake hands? I guess I should just ignore this and let it be. I sure don't want to stir up any drama if most of you on PC don't think she will 'touch' me at all. That sounds so stupid to me!

I think it is a totally reasonable question to ask (if you haven't already talked about it). I really NEEDED to know what the boundaries were around touch, so I asked my T. At the time, I didn't want touch, so a "no" would have been fine, but the answer ended up being "yes".

Different T's have different approaches. The only way you'll know is if you ask. Asking really isn't stirring up drama. You just want information - that's so okay.

Every T is different. Shaking hands seems too formal for therapy, though. I used to think hugging was yukky but now I like it. I used to think holding hands was for lovers or kids and their parents, but my T taught me otherwise.

My most recent T said she hugs some clients, but that it "wouldn't be good for ME". So it's not even the same policy for all clients. My current T told me yesterday that she doesn't hug everyone. I bet she doesn't hug the men, but I could be wrong about that.

I would be miserable until I asked if it were me. You won't know the answer until you ask!

I actually did ask her a couple of months ago. She replied, "I generally do not touch. That is just what I am comfortable with."

I am not a huggy, touchy-feely person, but I would like to know that if I felt to hug her when I came in or when I left that I would not be made to feel like I have the plague or lice or something!

I think approaching it with something like, "Has anyone ever broken a boundary with you? If so, what was it and how did you handle it?" would be easier for me.

I THOUGHT you had asked that question and that was the answer. So, what you really want to know is what happens if you cross the "no touch" boundary, right? That's a different ball game, isn't it?

Not sure I understand you, rainbow. What question did you think I had asked?

I thought you were wondering what her "touch" policy was and you decided to ask her. But you already did ask her that and got the answer you posted. It sounds like what you really want to know is what will happen if you cross that boundary. Or am I wrong?

Yes, that is what I want to know. What would happen if I crossed a boundary? I don't think I will, but curious as to how she handles that with a client.

I don't think it can ever be about just touch. It pretty much has to be about touch in some context -- one of you reassuring the other, or asking to be reassured (just to scratch the surface). I think it gets really complicated if you try to figure out in one context what might happen in another: "What would you do if I hugged you to ask for reassurance?" (and the other person is thinking, what if you're only pretending it's about asking for reassurance and you're really trying to see if you have what it takes to distract them into relaxing their boundaries or something).

I think whenever the context gets muddy like that, the conversations (the one between you and the ones going on in each of your heads) can get very confusing. Therapy is supposed to be about straightening out confusing conversations -- which is probably why Ts are so likely to answer a question with something like, "Why do you ask?" Translation (I'd say): "I won't know how to answer your question until I figure out which conversation we're having -- so give me a clue, already!"

I guess if a T had some doubts about being able to understand you correctly or respond appropriately, that's when they'd be most likely to wish you hadn't asked. Meanwhile, if that was how you saw them responding to you, it could fit into some conversation you'd been having with yourself about what kinds of things you should never say or what kind of person you'd have to be if you were to say them.

What's helped the most in making my way through tangled conversations, has been to focus on what I know and how I know it, and to keep sharing as freely as I'm willing to. "T seems to be mad at me. How do I know that? I don't, but I do notice that's what I'm thinking..."

Squiggle, there is a Sexual/Gender Issues subforum here. I like posting in it because of the anonymity. And you really can ask anything you want in there, even something that could be considered TMI X1000. I have never read any judgmental posts in there, just frank, mature, and to-the-point discussions. There are things that I think people just cannot bring themselves to talk about in therapy, and that's OK. That's why that subforum is so great.

anyway...

don't continue to read this if you don't want to deal with triggers

***I don't want to trigger anyone, I'm sharing the following about my own therapy and how I have come to ease into talking about these issues. I will not be graphic or descriptive.***

I used to be extremely uncomfortable talking about sex with my T because of my social phobia...ironic because that's why I'm in therapy in the first place. She's not a "tough" therapist. What I mean by that is she never brings up a subject herself out of the blue, she follows my lead, it's a very free-flowing conversation. But if she happens to ask a question about something that I don't like, I say "I don't want to talk about that" and she backs off immediately. In the early days with T, anything sex-related that I brought up would be only 1 of 2 things: 1) my embarrassment from being a virgin or 2) my embarrassment at the OB/GYN. That was it. I never wanted to talk about dating or anything because I was depressed as hell and there was some deep grief I was dealing with. As the years went on, I would offer more from time to time...I would disclose how I felt like kissing someone and that I had a vivid fantasy life. Finally, about 4 months ago, I just blurted out right away at the beginning of the session that my sex drive was "through the roof". I then laughed and said that she was probably thinking, "where the hell did this come from? I thought it was going to be another hour of 'ohhhhh My mom is so annoying, I hate my sister, I hate my life!'" T laughed and said she could not recall me ever saying something like this, but she was glad I did. I kept telling her over and over how embarrassing it was for me to bring this up but I couldn't hold it in anymore. She was so great and did not make me regret bringing up the topic one bit. She told me exactly what I needed to hear. I told her that I found feeling sexual to be very unsettling, it was almost too much for me to take. I have had these feelings since puberty like everyone else, but they were never this intense until now. She said it was probably because of my age (late 20s, female sex drive increases) and that my depression was lifting (I had recently moved into my own place).

She told me, "there are many parts of you that make up who you are. And this is a part of you that maybe you just haven't fully noticed until now, and that's OK. This is a great thing, this is what makes us feel alive." She then asked me if I was doing anything about these feelings and I told her I was trying to meet my needs "on my own." Again, I felt totally ashamed telling her this, it sent my anxiety through the roof. We talked about that for a few minutes and then she asked me if I was currently attracted to anybody, I said no but I was beginning to not be so nervous around guys, and that I had come to the realization that growing up I was SO freaked out about even telling one of my guy friends I "liked him" that I repressed it down so much to the point of not really feeling attracted to anyone ever.

T was amazing through this whole session in particular. She knew how vulnerable and uncomfortable I was feeling, and she said all the right things. It was exquisite. She's the ultimate professional.

I'm telling everyone this because if there's something that's a sore spot to you (doesn't necessarily have to be sex related), and you REALLY trust your T and feel comfortable with him or her, just let it out. Tell them what's going on. You deserve to be heard and validated. This stuff is so deeply personal and here is your opportunity to let go. If you can't say it, write it down. Nothing but good things will happen if you tell T. And trust me—I am one of the most closed books on the planet. I am "the listener" in ALL of my relationships, except my therapeutic one. I was proven wrong on what the outcome would be and how sharing that stuff would make me feel afterwards.

Very well said.

with or without you - Thanks for sharing. That was so brave. I wish I had your courage.

I too am curious what happens when a patient actually makes a move on a t... I feel like there are so many different ways that could go, good or bad (for the therapy )

WOW. Those bolded parts ARE me. You are amazing and brave to bring this up with your T. The most I've talked about sex is "I have never had sex." THE END Thank you for sharing that.

Because of the location of my therapist's office, across the hall from my pastor, and next door to my Worship Pastor, the liklihood of me trying to cross any boundary is NOT going to happen. I mean, should she have to run for help, who are the ones who will come to her rescue???

I still feel this need to press this issue with her. Just for clarity and her reasons behind it. Some of it I understand, but once you have established a real 'nonfriend' friendly relationship, I think the boundary may change just a bit. Like pat you on the back as you leave, or give a little greeting hug when you come in.

Just a small touch on the hand may happen as we are passing journal notes and books back and forth. I try to make sure I do not touch her hand. This is stupid! I shouldn't be freaked out that if I accidentally touch her hand I will be 'written up'!

I know myself, and I will not let this rest until I confront her about it. Hopefully, I will do this soon and not let it drag out for months like I did the other topic I struggled with.