OMG! Why did I confess that to her?

Bless your daughter's heart, squiggle! I'm glad she agreed that it would be awkward and that she has found something else to look into; I hope it works out for her.
You didn't make a big deal out of nothing. You did the right thing for yourself and for her; she did the right thing for herself and for you.
It's natural to feel ambivalent about it, I think. Acknowledge that you feel the guilt and shame a bit....then show them out the door; they don't need to stay with you. They're toxic guests - especially in this situation, when you deserve to be proud for taking good care of yourself and your relationships.

Someone who wants to get better would tell her therapist this. I think that you did a great job here.

My theory is that you are such an expert at suppressing all of your emotions that this is what is causing your BP symptoms and that once you work through all of this your BP symptoms will be gone.

Suppressing emotions is not healthy and our body responds to this added stress biochemically.

I can see how you would feel both.


This stuff needs to be stirred up. This is how you get better.........

Wow, Squiggle. I understand the hurt you are feeling, but it shows how much your daughter "got it" by contacting another organization. Now, both of you can share your therapy with the other person, without being worried that you will being triggered or hurt by what is said.

It's ok if you can't be happy for yourself right now...I am though.

I actually think I may agree with you, Sannah. Although I do believe that some need to be on meds, a large number of people take meds and this only hinders what the real issue is. For me, meds just don't do much at all to relieve my symptoms.

Not so sure therapy does either! But, I can see where talking about my issues and getting them out there can be very healing. It takes a LONG time, though. I feel like my therapist and I have been talking about the same issue for months! I even addressed that with her today. "Can we talk about something else?"

Of course she sees this as avoidance, so we still talk about it. I guess it could be worse. We could be stuck on the "I have feelings for my therapist!" That would be 10 times worse. So glad that we have worked through that one.

To be honest, I still have those crazy sexual thoughts about her. The difference is that now they don't overpower me. They don't get blown out of proportion in my mind! I think of it like this. How many times have we been sitting in church and thought, "I wonder if so and so has sex? Does the preacher have sex? What about this person or that person?"

It is just the mind wandering! Nothing else. Just those random crazy thoughts that come in our minds. At least they come to my mind. Maybe I am alone on this? Do others think this nutty stuff?

With my therapist, I really think being alone in her office so much just caused that reaction. We do talk about sex alot, so I just naturally had those thoughts in my mind. The next thing I know, I am thinking about her. Does she have sex? Does she enjoy sex? I wonder if she is thinking about that when we are talking about my disfunctional sex life?

Random thoughts that got totally out of control. I still cannot believe I told her. That took a lot or courage or stupidness!! I sure hope that she did not write that in my file. "Squiggle is a bit off with her sexual fanatasies. Beware of being alone with her. She may pounce on you!"

I can laugh and joke about it now, but really it was no laughing matter when I was going through it.

ROFLMFAO!! OH SQUIGGLE you are too much!!

I find it amazing how we can laugh about this horribly embarrassing and stressful ordeal I just went through! You know, I have never ever even touched her at all! Not even a teeny tiny bit. I often just want to tap her on the shoulder or grab her hand when I give her my check and say, "HA! I touched you! Did that freak you out?"

I wonder what she would do? Would she reprimand me? Laugh with me? Or we she give a dirty look like, "You are a sicko, Squiggle. Don't ever touch me again!"

One of these days I am going to sneak in a touch of some kind. Just to say, "I did it!" And to realize that she did not melt, scream, spray me with pepper spray, or call security to have me arrested!

I brought our wedding scrapbook to show my T today. we sat on the couch together to look at it (and the sitting side by side is not something we've ever done and it felt sort of odd to me!). My T hugs me at the end of session but doesn't touch during session. Anyway, I was pointing something out to her and bumped her hand with mine and I was like, oh, sorry! And she sort of murmured, it's OK, and acted like nothing out of the ordinary had happened......so probably your T won't make a federal case out of it either or think you are perverted!

this really tickled me, squiggle!
Sex is sort of topic that makes me blush to talk about in much depth, but to be honest, yeah, I have found myself sitting in church too, or other places, and getting surprised by random thoughts about how I wonder what so and so does in bed?!!
My T and I have discussed the difficulties in my husband's and my sex life, too and she has been rather frank about suggestions to improve it! So anyway the other night when things were going on I suddenly thought, I wonder if T is doing something like this right now?! Not great timing for a random thought.....

Squiggle, I think you already know I can relate to your feelings/fantasies for and about your T. For me, it has been very healing to see that touching my T can feel normal. I've been worried for years that if I touched my Ts it would feel sexual. I was so afraid when she first suggested that I hold her hand. Now I know that it just feels good, and she doesn't think I'm gay or anything. If I were, she'd accept that about me too. It did feel "too good" that time she tapped on my knees so I told her, and she just accepted that too. Amazing to me! So, I wonder if you did touch your T, maybe you would feel more settled about the whole subject. Or maybe not.

To answer your question, I don't have sexual fantasies about people, but more like "love" fantasies about my T. I'm sure others do, though. Actually, there is something sexual that makes me think of my T, but I can't write about it, though she knows.

I have thought about asking her, "What would you do if I accidentally touched you?"

My feeling is she would say, "Is that something you feel you need to do? What makes you feel the urge to do that? Could this be that you are wanting to test the boundaries? Is there some rebellion going on? Is there something hidden in this? Could this be your way of asking me for something without using your words? What would this touch mean to you? and on and on and on! You know how therapists do!

For me, I just want to do it because I am not supposed to! I would just like to see how that would make me feel. Would I get a warm fuzzy feeling? Would I feel rejected if she didn't react in a positive way? Or since I seem to have these erotic feelings sometimes, would I want to throw her in the floor and attack her? NO, this last one I would not do, but it is a hilarious visual image to think about!

Look for the thread: "Squiggle attacks therapist in session".

My T and I had the boundary testing discussion, so I know how that one goes! Yes, of course we want to do it because we're not supposed to - something like the lure/allure of the forbidden, even if we don't really want it, not being able to have it makes us want it!
And a sensational thread title like that....I think would attract a lot of views, certainly! Of course, I don't think I'll ever see one quite like it - but maybe OMG, Squiggle touched T and lived!

Rainbow~that is a good one. Maybe that is why I have been thinking about it so much lately? Since my confession, maybe this would kinda put some resolve to it all. It's the 'You can't do that' that makes me want to do it more. I don't consider myself the rebellious type, but now that I am in therapy, I am turning out to be a whole lot of things that I didn't know I was!

Sometimes I wonder who I am. Who are you, Squiggle?

After being in such a dark place for awhile, I feel the manic side coming. Oh my! Beware PC friends, you never know what Squiggle will say or do. I definitely am going to do something in therapy.

Not sure which one it will be:

(1) "Squiggle threw a tantrum in therapy today"

(2) "Squiggle attacked therapist"

(3) "Squiggle touched therapist and lived"

I have had thoughts like that too. A few months ago I told T that my sex drive had been "through the roof" (meaning high) and she said, "well, this is good, it's what makes us feel alive..." and I started to wonder if that was how she characterized her own feelings. A few other times we have talked about more explicit sexual stuff and I couldn't believe she was re-stating a couple things I said in order to confirm her understanding. Yikes!! LOL

I have these crazy thoughts about my therapist working with a young man who is having issues with his girlfriend. He is too shy to have sex with her. She tells him to pretend she is the girlfriend and says, "If you could talk with your girlfriend and be honest about what you want from her, what would you ask for?"

The poor guy is so embarrassed, yet therapist keeps pushing him to talk. When he finally gets it out, she just sits there with no expression (like so many therapists do). She says, "Tell me what you need. What do you desire from me? (she is still pretending to be the girlfriend)

This guy is finally getting up the courage to talk because his horomones are kicking in!! As he talks to his pretend 'girlfriend', and obviously shows signs of being in the (mood), the therapist notices and says, "Good job at expressing your needs. I see that it is working for you."

I am cracking myself up! I promise, this is really something I think about alot lately! Wondering what she would be like as a sex therapist!

Yes, poetgirl, I too wonder if she has sex and if she enjoys it. OMG~I think I am giving TMI about my random thoughts and wacky sense of humor!

My T says she has no problems talking about sex - which is quite obvious to me!! She also does couples/marriage counseling, so I imagine she's had the discussions about intimate matters many times. She even said to me, if you want, your H can come and we can discuss some of these things about how you'd like to get your needs met.....I was like NO!!!!

Squiggle, we are sexual beings and without a satisfying outlet for our sexual needs, the needs keep pushing at us.

Sannah, that goes for needing love too. I'm lacking in both right now, so T is a substitute. My T talked about sex with me right from the start of therapy. It's not a big deal to her to discuss. like your T, poetgirl. For me, though it's . Squiggle, I don't mean to hijack. I appreciate your honesty and bringing up these thoughts so others like me know we're not alone.

I have always been told that I am plain spoken. I don't see it at all, and have gotten my feelings hurt A LOT when people tell me that. I guess over the years I have gotten used to it. This is me. I don't know any other way to be.

If we are really wanting to be successful in therapy, we have to honest with our feelings. Even if it means admitting to your therapist that you, "Have the hots for her!" Crap, that was just about the worst thing you could ever tell your therapist face to face. Well, I think I may have been looking at the ground or out the window when I said it. I sure did not want to see the look on her face when I admitted that!

What if I said, "I am totally in a sex crazed (horny) mood everytime I think about you." Now that would be raw honesty! I am not making light of this at all. Well, maybe a little, but this is NOT a laughing matter at all when you are going through it. Geez! I was miserable. You guys know how upset I was when this was all going on. Not fun at all.

When I think about it now and wonder what the look on her face really was when I admitted that, I start laughing my fool self silly. To the point of peeing in my pants! Yes, I have run to the bathroom many times trying not to do that. My family has no idea what is so blame funny!

The secrets we keep from others, yet we share on PC and with our therapists. That is priceless!

Squiggle - I think I love you

I love how honest you are on here. I had feelings for my first T when I was 18 and never told her but really struggled with it on my own. I wondered if I was gay for awhile. After coming on here and seeing all threads about this I realized I'm not that crazy after all!

I don't have those feelings for my current T but I do have times between sessions where I wish I could just see her or hear from her.

You know, weirdly, this is how Touch started in my therapy, except T was the one who sneaked it in.

I was having a panic attack, my first ever, and he was so calmly and gently working to help me through it. At one point, he was giving me something smooth (like a stone) to hold in my hand, and as he placed it in my hand, he very deliberately touched the palm of my hand with the tips of this fingers.

When he sat down, he asked if I had noticed. I said yes. He asked how it felt, and I said okay, which REALLY surprised me, because up until that point, NOT EVER TOUCHING T was a huge huge huge thing in therapy for me.

He asked if I wanted to try to touch fingertips and we leaned across the room and touched fingertips and everything stopped feeling so crazy and I felt back in the room, and grounded, and connected. It was like being physically connected to T and all of his CALM somehow brought me back to the calm place.

Now I am really comfortable with touch with T...but I still think sometimes about how that all happened.

I do think that having touch in therapy takes away the mystery of "what would it be like?" and makes it a non-issue - at least for me. I'm glad that I don't have to wonder about that, because I could see it getting really big in my head.

This is starting to get too big in my head. Oh, no! That is so not good. I will start thinking about this, and then it will snowball in my mind until I am in a fullblown panic about touching her! I will think about it every time we are together.

Maybe I should address this with her and just say, "I have been thinking about the no touch boundary. Have you ever gone past that boundary? What were the cirumstances? How would you feel if I touched you?"

Don't have any idea what she would say. I sure don't want to get my feelings hurt and made to feel like I have cooties or something!

T and I had already talked about his boundaries around touch. I knew that he used touch in therapy with some clients, I just wanted to be SURE I was NEVER EVER one of them. lol

I think like everything else though, if I wanted touch and he had a boundary that precluded it, it probably would have become HUGE in my head, but quieted down. There are other boundaries in T that have become huge in my head in that way, but that don't bother me at all anymore. I think sometimes it's just a matter of working through whatever it is, figuring out why it's such a big deal, and coming to a place of acceptance. Not the easiest thing, but so possible.

Just wanted to add that my most recent thing that became huge in my head was wanting T to tell me I am his favorite. I know he loves me and cares about me, because he tells me, but I want TO BE THE FAVORITE. He has even implied more than once that I *am* but won't come out and say the words himself. THAT got huge in my head - HUGE - but seems to have quieted down.

Wonder what will be next ????

Wow, Tree....it's ironic, because lately I have been having dreams of T and I touching fingertips....not sure what that's about, but the idea of it elicits such anxiety for me. I am sure I could explore that and come up with a lot of feelings and explanations for those feelings....but I don't feel brave enough to address it.

You would think that in my dreams, I would at least feel some kind of wonderful feelings about it....but it doesn't. I don't think I'd characterize it as a bad feeling...but definitely an emotional reaction.

I wonder if I'd ever get the courage to address it with T. I'm sure a lot could come out of it, if I wasn't so scared.