what is so wrong

Tay, I agree with your post but the problem is that granite CANNOT go in and work through and discuss it with her T. That's the whole point. If she could, then there wouldn't be any problem, or least they would be able to work through it. I know how it feels to want to talk but not be able to. I agree that emailing is not a permanent solution, but in over a year this T has NOT made it safe for granite to talk except maybe a few times. Instead, she's made her terrified of talking and made her feel horrible about herself. I think she's a good T but doesn't know what to do and has become frustrated. If granite is willing to try someone else, it could change the whole pattern. Sometimes starting over with someone new who has a different approach is what gets the ball rolling. If not, she can always decide to go back to this T.

What do YOU think, granite? This is your thread and I don't like to talk about you, but TO you.
Actually, I see that you did post why you can't go back. You explained it very well, I think.

Rainbow, are you really saying that granite's T made her terrified of talking and made her feel horrible about herself? This kind of validation for feelings based on distortions is harmful imo.

How exactly is granite's T making her feel horrible about herself? Terrifying her? What are the FACTS? Granite feels these things but are they based on facts? I don't think so.

Granite, you could be on the verge of a real breakthrough with this therapist if you would be willing to try to work through this instead of running away. Could you write on a piece of paper your feelings and tell her you want to try to work through this with her and then bring it with you and read it to her? Just a sentence or two so you dont get overwhlemed? Sometimes a "rupture" can be the catalyst to a major breakthrough. If it doesn't work out then of course you can find another T. It's your choice to make. You are not a horrible person and your T is not saying that! Please look at the facts before making any decisions.

Remember MUE's rupture and how everyone jumped on the "get a new T" bandwagon? Well MUE worked through it and as painful as it was it worked out for the better.

(((tay)))i really do get what you are saying about looking at the facts .i realy do.and i am really trying to .maybe i will post a list and i can get some help because i just dont know all of it.i know some of it is me but not all.i know my T didnt make me terrified to talk to her that is all on me i have never found it easy to talk if at all.but what my T did made me terrified of her not talking.if it was a distortion or not i was terrified of her and i will never be able to work with someone i am that scared of or has the ability to scare me that much or to make me feel that bad.

some facts
changing the routine of bringing me into the office.i did write her a letter in the past about that and she knows it freaks me.but this day she changed it again.this is a fact.she did change things.knowing i need this consistancy.so i dont freak being in her office.so yes my feeling was fear but it was based on the fact that once again she changed the routine
fact..
she did say "what no hello today?"when she sat down.how is saying something like this helpfull.i never say hello i do smile when she says hello to me as i am sitting down.yes this made me panic.a feeling but it is based on a fact she did say this to me.
got to get back to work my lunch is over.yay doing this is accually helping and would love to keep working on this list

i feel she has taken away the one way i can communicate with her i'm scared and i cant work with her if i cant talk at all will write more later

I surely do understand not allowing emails--at least for the time being--but question as to why she's allowed them until now.

To me, this isn't about T but about you. You need to have this discussion with her, whether you are going to continue to see her or not. IMO you are at the juncture of finding out if you can trust this T or not, and may be using cognitive distortions (irrational thinking) to prevent yourself from going back just so you don't have to disclose anything "hurtful" to her.

That's not hurtful to T, but to you. You might be using this as a defense mechanism to keep from healing. Perhaps not on purpose but unconsciously; it could be one of the ways you used to try and keep yourself "safe" in the past.

You have shared that you have been seeing her over a year now, and yet she still can't help you. I think you also shared, to me what I read, is why: you aren't talking to her! Ts are not mindreaders. You need to get this stuff out in the open, and beginning with how you feel about this latest incident is a good start.

You can copy this thread and mail it to her, if you wish, to help get it out into the open. I'll bet she'd very much like to discuss it with you.

Don't throw away the year + that you have tried to open up, just when you may be on the cusp of doing so! Therapy is hard work, and now's the time when you need to let your T in on your thinking, and begin to heal.

We're all here to help you...give your PC friends a nod.

I was reading long before I was posting, tay. And I have gone back and read a lot too. I can see a pattern where it's been hard for granite to see if she can trust this T, because this T has seemed to be often trying different things and it has led to this point where things have gotten hard and granite isn't sure what to expect. After a year, maybe things should be a little clearer than this, for the T in knowing what direction to take in therapy and for granite to know T will be consistent ?
I am not thinking it is no distortion at all, but neither am I thinking it is all distortion.....and I am thinking perhaps this T isn't the right fit. But that is granite's decision; I haven't tried to make it for her either!
I don't think I really jumped on the bandwagon for MUE to get a new T either, though it seemed as though there was justifiable reason to think he was in error, as well, and not reacting objectively......but there, as well as here, I am not advocating running away from a T in a panic without making efforts to think it through, to think through the emotion....and I think granite is trying to do just that. (and actually, granite, I am proud of the efforts you are making to work through it and do what is right for you and for your therapy!)
Emotions cannot be discounted in decision making processes, either.....I agree that decisions shouldn't be made based mostly on emotion without trying to reason things through, but emotions can't just be completely separated out of the process, either. Feelings are not always facts, true.....but then again, they are often a part of the facts, a part of the truth, and a part that needs to be considered in decisions, too. I think I'll leave it to granite whether or not she feels this is distortion......she's the one who's there and experiencing this. I guess none of us can really say it completely isn't distortion anymore definitely than any of us can say it is.*****
Putting all this debating aside......I am simply offering you my sincere care and support in working through this, granite, and I think you have the strength to do it, whether it involves trying to work through this with this T, or finding closure with her, or finding another who feels like a better fit.

((((((granite))))))

Do what YOU think is right. I don't want you to think I (or anyone else) am pushing you into seeing a new T.

Tay, I don't think anyone can MAKE someone think they're horrible. It comes from within. I'm sorry about my poor choice of words. You say to base it on facts. You're right, but feelings are important too. If I felt terrified and unsafe with a T for a year, I wouldn't want to be with that T. If I couldn't talk and people tried to make me talk, I would remain silent. That happened to me as a child. They tried to bribe me with money or plead with me to talk. It didn't work.

The T didn't want granite to feel horrible about herself. It just doesn't sound like her methods did anything to build up her self-esteem or enable her to feel safe enough to talk to her in session.

I'm a little out of the loop, not having been around much the last week or so I don't know exactly what's going on with you and your T, granite. I have the idea, though, from reading this thread. I just want to say that I understand how her changing the routine, and changing the way she interacts with you, could be triggering for you. It certainly would be for me, too.

I get the feeling that your T is maybe trying a new tactic as a way to sort of shock you into moving forward in your therapy. Those kinds of tactics almost never work on me, but your T is probably doing it out of genuine concern and caring for you. Like others above, I encourage you to talk to your T about this. I know how hard that is for you. But it is the only way to work through it.

Hang in there, granite, and keep posting.

Not at all Granite!!
There is nothing to apologize for, nothing to forgive.

You are good at expressing yourself, your opinions, your feelings.
You make great points and they are are important and valid.

You've gotten a lot of good opinions here, and I'm glad you've gotten some different opinions. It is good to have options and see different points of view.

I think it is good for us all to remember that this thread is not a place for us to debate each other, but to support YOU.

I hope you can feel a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that you are cared about SO MUCH here.

Totally agree with what Zooropa has said. I, also encourage you to talk with your T.

I also just wanted to echo what some others here have already said, which is that there ARE times when it is beneficial and justifiable to move on to a T that is a better fit. This is not the same as "running away." It's not. I think that each of us is SO unique and has such different ways of handling things and coping, and it is only reasonable to conclude that there will not always be a fit between certain clients and T's. This does not have to mean that the T is doing a bad job.

I am not saying that this is definitely the case with you and your T, and I think that writing out the facts like you have begun to do is a really great way to begin to weed through all of the muck.

I will just share that before I found my current T, whom I have been seeing now for 16 years, I saw 8 T's.....8!!!! A couple were pretty cruddy, but most were good T's with many patients who loved them, but were just not the right fit for me.....and I knew it at the time in my gut, even if I couldn't explain or express the reasons why. The fact that I have now been with a T for so long proves that, for me, it had nothing to do with running, and everything to do with finding that one relationship that worked for me.

Again, I am not suggesting that I know the answer in terms of your specific circumstance. I just want to offer some perspective and let you know that you aren't wrong or a failure or a coward if you decide that this relationship is not the one for you!

(((((((((Granite)))))))))))

I hope that you continue the list that you started.

JD i so wish i could say i am on the cusp of being able to open up but i really an as closed down as i have ever been.i really am scared of her.even if i did go see her i would not be able to speak at all.how would this help.i really did try to talk to her even if it was just to say ok if she asked how i was
i dont think i am using my inability to talk as a way to keep myself from healing.although my T said she thinks that i am scared things will change
i do know that i cant handle feeling as bad as i did monday.much more.
IDK.it just all feels bad and yucky and humiliating and all i want to do these days is hide

It's ok to hide for a little bit Granite...but please don't get lost

I think the list you started was really good, keep it up. Throw down some good your T does too, just to make it balanced. But in the end, do what GRANITE needs to do, and not what a few people debated you need to do.

facts about E-mail.
the first time i sent her an e mail and letter she told me that she would rather i not do that because i was replacing it with using my words in T.this is a fact
i sent her an e-mail a wile after that one day and she said it was ok that i seem to do better after i write her something.fact she really did say this
a few weeks ago i sent her an e-mail and she called it her cheat sheet.it all seemed ok with me.i guess this was a distortion
a few weeks later it wasnt ok.
fact in the year +i have been seeing her i have only sent her 6 emails and 2 letters.but it is true three of those emails were in the last 3 weeks.

it is hard to think of anything that is good but i will try.
fact.she has always been thare for session when she said she was going to be thare
fact.she has never physically hurt me at all.
fact.she has stayed with me for over a year.

Good list, granite, and good work. you are doing well!
It does seem to me that she would need to clarify the email boundary with you again, all right.

I have seen people here change T's and it made all the difference. I have seen other people here work through things with their T's and it was very good. It is not good for someone to continue to work with a T who is not a good fit for them and it also is not good when a person leaves a good T before working things out. Both happen........

Granite, where are you at with this ^ now?

not so good the T i sent an e mail to is not taking on new clients i give up i dont want to go to therapy any more i just need to accept who i am ang it is whatever.i have no courage to keep calling potential T's.it will be just to much.i want to but just cant and i dont think i want to keep seeing this one either .i'm so not in a good place right now.it is whatever.

granite, I'm sorry about this and sorry it's hard for you right now. Maybe just let yourself rest today.....and see how things feel tomorrow.

sounds like a good idea i just wish i could just get all this out of my head along with the feeling of wanting to SI and everything.work was miserable today because of this guy who buggs me insisted on going over my flower order with me today.he is another person i freeze when he talks to me and i cant talk he usually stays away from me but the big bosses are comming to the store and he wanted to make sure that my order was ok.i hate this guy.

granite: I agree. Take a rest from this and see how you feel tomorrow.

Granite I hope that you are doing better, even if it is only a little bit. Keep your chin up Sweetie. You WILL get through this!!

How are you, granite?

well said

so yesterday was the last day my T could have called to see if i would come back to T.she didnt and is now out of the office uuntill monday.i guess i really burned this bridge good and i dont really think this is a bad thing but it is still sad and i am so scared that i wont find another T that is willing to work with me.