[seventyeight]

i feel like i'm going crazy. things have gotten so far out of whack with my therapist, and i don't know how to fix it.

i've had a lot going on lately, and have had to reach out to her more often than normal. i called her yesterday and asked for a call back, then i called back a little later and said that i was ok that she didn't need to call (which was true). i mulled it over and some other things surfaced, and then i started to feel overwhelmed again. and part of the problem is that my partner - who i'm having a lot of problems with lately - is seeing the same therapist. we live together, and it's difficult a lot of the time to find privacy to call when i need to.

at any rate, i decided that email was better, so i emailed my therapist instead. part of my point was to apologize for all the crazy phone messages, and i didn't want to leave another crazy phone message saying "sorry for leaving crazy phone messages."

(and if you're still following along, i'm impressed!)

so. i emailed her and said the bit about the messages, and asked also for something i could "hold onto" as i feel like i'm struggling to make it to my appointment on thurs. she emailed me back (and this whole emailing thing is relatively new to our relationship) saying she didn't know what happened between my call at 4:15 and my email at 5:02, but basically here's some support anyway. i've never known her to be mindful of the time (in fact, she strikes me as the type of person that would do away with clocks altogether if she could), so it really bothered me. i sent her an angry reply, basically asking if there was a more acceptable time frame to have changes in feelings, etc. she wrote me back and apologized. i wrote her again saying thank you and that perhaps we should talk tonight (this was all last night) as i didn't want to leave things the way the were. i told her it was "her call, literally."

maybe this wasn't the clearest way to say it, but either way - she never called. i emailed her again last night, basically apologizing for making a mess of things and that i understood if the relationship was over (that's where i go with things when there's conflict). it's now the next day, and i haven't heard from her at all. how do i interpret this? is it really over??

i should note that i've been working with her for two years, and despite a few bumps in the road, we've had a fairly solid relationship. i like her more than most people in this world, and it would crush me not to continue seeing her (despite my knee-jerk reaction of thinking things are always over).

doea anyone have any feedback, opinions, words of advice???

[lastyearisblank]

it's not over!!!! she didn't get your last message!

not a mind reader, but this

saying she didn't know what happened between my call at 4:15 and my email at 5:02, but basically here's some support anyway

sounds like not so much "uhhhh why did you change your mind that was wrong! " , as an indirect way of asking, "what's up?"

as someone who freaks out quite frequently over email conversations (with bf and others) i can understand where you are coming from.

[Suratji]

I totally understand the neediness we exhibit towards our therapists. And reading into their lack of a prompt reply. I hadn't realized I had neurotic tendencies until I started therapy and am now feeling very vulnerable. That isn't normally how I feel but it's beginning to be that way with my T. Very strange. I suspect that since it's a safe place to let down one's defenses, the defenses have come toppling down and man, is it ever scary.

[lastyearisblank]

yeah it is like a pandora's box of crazy.. who knew??

[Chronic]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

maybe this wasn't the clearest way to say it, but either way - she never called. i emailed her again last night, basically apologizing for making a mess of things and that i understood if the relationship was over (that's where i go with things when there's conflict). it's now the next day, and i haven't heard from her at all. how do i interpret this? is it really over??

Yes I have been in this situation MANY times with T - I am great at making a mess of things with him and then get myself in a complete panic over it, and the more I try to make it right the more of a mess it gets in (more and more emails/calls to try and rectify the situation). Everytime T accepts that my behaviour is part of the reason i am in therapy, and I am relieved to find out the relationship is not over. He says to me "Do you think I would be so unprofessional as to just ignore you" which makes sense after the event but is difficult to hold on to when I am panicking over it.

I do not believe your relationship with T is over at all. I think the comment about the timing of your call and email was an acknowledgement that you are/were in distress, and perhaps this is out of character for you? Not that she was complaining about your emotions.

Waiting for T to get back to me is always the hardest part...my mind goes into overdrive- what if I sent too many emails, what if he's finally had enough of me, what if I've made him really angry and he never calls back, etc. But the reality is usually that he didnt pick my message up, didnt check his emails, was too busy to respond.

I am sure T will get back to you, but if it were me and T hadnt got back to me by the morning I would have to call again to say that I am in distress at not hearing from you , can you please call.

I agree that being in T brings up no end of craziness but I am sure T will get back you on this and that your relationship is not over.

[seventyeight]

thanks you guys. i'm trying to take in what you said, but it's hard. she's usually pretty prompt with phone calls and emails (like responds with in an hour or two), so this is unusual. and no, i can't call/email her again. if she's angry, i can't face that, and if it's over, i can't deal. i don't know what to do besides sit here..

((((((((((((((((((((78))))))))))))))))))))))))!!!

What a hard, spiraly place you are in.

I've been there with my T - one miscommunication leads to another, that leads to me freaking out, more miscommunications....and it really IS crazy-making. Over time, I've learned to just let things BE, just sit with them and trust T and the relationship and myself. But it didn't happen overnight!

So...you said you don't know what to do besides sit there. That truly IS one option. To just sit with it and wait until Thursday when you see her.

If that feels too unbearable (I know how SLOWLY time passes in these spiraly moments), could you send a very clear e-mail telling her that you need her to please call you? If I told my T it was "his call" whether or not to call me, he wouldn't call me. He wants me to be responsible for my needs, and to ask for what I need. Once I ask, he's totally willing to give me whatever it is...but I have to be really clear. I understand why, but it really is frustrating sometimes.

Hugs to you!

[Chronic]

Yeah I understand, my T is also prompt with responses and when he doesnt respond as Im used to I freak out. I dont know what to say because for me I run myself a bath or go for a walk to try and take my mind off it, but the feeling just doesnt go away and I end up cutting it short to go check my phone or emails to see if T has got back to me yet.

Sorry, that wasnt very helpful, but I'm trying to say that I totally get how you are feeling right now and its horrible. And nothing but hearing from T will make it any easier, right?

Hang on in there...I really hope T gets back to you soon

[lastyearisblank]

i am seconding that either calling or sitting with it. that anxiety can just kill. it helps me to go to a movie or something that changes my mood... it starts to feel like... "ok, even if it's over, i'll survive!" and that's usually the point when that email or phone call comes in, arggghhh!!

another thing you can do is think about the history you and t have.. i doubt she would want to just throw that away either, especially not over something as small as a phone call

((((seventy eight)))

[geez]

((78)) Hope you hear from T soon.

[seventyeight]

me too. i am really losing it. at what point do i cut my losses?

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

me too. i am really losing it. at what point do i cut my losses?

I would really suggest trying to avoid "cutting any losses" until you see your T on Thursday and talk face to face. I have had SO many of these situations with my T over the years and I can tell you that, when left to my own devices, my thoughts completely spiral, and I imagine things being SO much worse than they are. Almost always, when I show up for session and can look him in the eyes and talk about it, I realize that he did not think things were nearly as bad as I did, and we end up working through it and being just fine.

The hard part in that is that you have to make yourself show up to that initial session. My instinct is always to want to run away and never talk to T again, but, if I just commit to showing up, even if the plan is to tell him how hurt and angry I am, then things usually end up being ok.

So, maybe you could just hold off on making any big decisions until you show up on Thursday?? I know that it's really hard to do, but even if you don't hear from her at all, I would go.

[lastyearisblank]

me too. i am really losing it. at what point do i cut my losses?

Does it feel like she's not responding because she's mad? Or are you more mad about the situation?

[seventyeight]

i'm not mad, just hurt. i've never known her to be angry, and she's especially healthy about handling anger - whether it's mine or someone else's. she's one of the most professional people i know. i'm just not sure what to make of all this. it seems odd that i haven't heard from her, but maybe she's just trying not to engage. she's good at "staying out" of things, and maintaining her own boundaries. i'm just really hurt that regardless she wouldn't contact me at all just to check on things. is that not proper of a therapist to do? i know that tree said that if you don't ask for a direct call that it doesn't usually happen (which has been my experience with her), but still. like doesn't she care? does this mean she's over it??

I think you are doing a lot of mind reading and catastrophizing. It doesn't seem like your t is mad at you at all. You seem to be stuck in a thought loop. Listen to your more rational self that knows she's "especially healthy about handling anger", "good at staying out of things and maintaining boundaries. You know this about her. Why do you think she has changed? She hasn't. She's still there.

[lastyearisblank]

i sent her an angry reply, basically asking if there was a more acceptable time frame to have changes in feelings, etc. she wrote me back and apologized. i wrote her again saying thank you and that perhaps we should talk tonight (this was all last night) as i didn't want to leave things the way the were.

i can see this from your p.ov. how you described it, but i can also see how it would look through the distorted lens of email and phone. t might be seeing it like:

78: call me!
t: what's up?
78: fine be that way!
t: what did i do? i'm sorry
78: i feel guilty. call if you still feed bad so i can explain.
t: no that's fine, i don't need to

maybe??????

[seventyeight]

never heard from my therapist, and now it's 3 am and i'm up thinking about all this. i feel like i woke up, and now i'm having a nightmare. do i really just show up on thursday like it's nothing? i've been thinking a lot about calling her in the morning and asking if i'm still supposed to go. she and i talk a lot about abandonment (it's probably the central theme to my therapy), and she's assured me over and over that she would never abandon me (as my family once did). now all i feel is totally abandoned by her. this really sucks. what do i do?

[Chronic]

I would defintely call her. I think I would prefer her to be angry (which Im pretty sure wont be) than to be in such distress. Take the risk.

[lastyearisblank]

Just call her! It's not worth it

[seventyeight]

i'm going to call her at noon today, this is what i'm planning to say:

"therapist, this is firstname lastname. i'm calling to check if i'm supposed to come to my appointment tomorrow. its's at noon on thursday, which is in 24 hours - so i thought now would be the time to call and check. i'm not sure where things stand, but i asked you twice for a call back in two seperate emails. maybe i wasn't clear about that though. either way, i feel hurt and abandoned by you - which i'm sure you're going to say has nothing to do with you. at any rate, i need to know if we're done working together. if this is the case, please let me know. i will certainly mail you a check for the remaining balance, which i've calculated to be x dollars. if you have a different figure, let me know. my number is 123-4567. thank you."

[seventyeight]

couldn't wait another minute, just called her. i didn't say exactly what i posted above, but basically that. nothing left to do but wait for a call back, i suppose..

[seventyeight]

she called back. i missed the call because my ringer was turned off, i'm so mad. she left me a message saying "of course" were meeting tomorrow and that "nothing has changed." she also said three times that she was looking forward to seeing me. i wished i had talked to her, i don't even know what i would have said, but still. it's really hard to sit here and wait..

anyone got any ideas of ways to distract oneself?

[seventyeight]

that would be: ideas besides calling her again, which i just did! sigh. this is what i mean about feeling like i'm "going crazy."

i called to tell her that i was sorry that i missed the call, that my ringer was off, but that i wanted her to know i got her message and that i would be there tomorrow. then i said, "i'm looking forward to seeing you as well, but if you can't tell - i feel very hurt and just plain ol' confused. i guess it's just going to have to wait until tomorrow to get sorted out though."

anyway, i know i'm posting a lot (about myself, and not offering anyone else feedback on their stuff, i'm so sorry), and i appreciate anyone who's taken the time to read and/or has responded to me. thank you.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

she called back. i missed the call because my ringer was turned off, i'm so mad. she left me a message saying "of course" were meeting tomorrow and that "nothing has changed." she also said three times that she was looking forward to seeing me. i wished i had talked to her, i don't even know what i would have said, but still. it's really hard to sit here and wait..

anyone got any ideas of ways to distract oneself?

I'm glad she called back, and sorry you missed her though! This has happened to me, and I remember how glad I was that T called but disappointed I missed talking to her, too.
Do you have some work projects to do or some hobbies you really enjoy, something that will occupy your hands and your mind? Sometimes when I feeling anxious about session and have a lot of jittery, nervous energy, it just helps me to go to the gym and exercise hard or get busy and really clean house! Doing stuff with my kids helps too.

[Chronic]

Glad T called you back- and she wasnt angry and still wants to see you! I hate it when miscommunications happen