What does your T do when...

Wow, lots of great replies!! Well done youguys!

I don't cry very often - I think maybe 4 times in almost 2 years. The times I have cried, my T just sits across from me, being silently supportive. I always fight my tears, and I think if she did anything other than just let me cry, I'd push the tears back and stop crying. I actually really appreciate that she is just there and lets me go with what I'm feeling. Once I calm down, we always talk about it. As far as tissues, she has them on a little coffee table, easily within reach. Her trash can, on the other hand, is clear across the room...she did move that closer to me during one session, so I didn't have to keep getting up to toss tissues.

I know that it's been dependent on a lot of things. Mostly my T has a box of kleenex on the table, so I don't need to be handed the box. But when I was completely distraught and forgot where the box was - she did sorta nudge it in my direction.

This thread reminds me of this article about Kleenex & therapy: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-and-kleenex-0

Personally, I like it that my therapist doesn't get up and offer me a tissue. I know that people often feel compelled to do the "proper" thing--offer someone a tissue when they begin to cry. But if you think about it, giving someone a tissue can also be a way of conveying a message of, "Here, wipe those tears away!" I think that if the tissues are in easy eye sight of the client (and that should be standard in a therapist's office ), then the therapist should be accepting and calm in the eye of the client's emotional storm.

Personally, in my own therapy, I often grab a tissue in anger and wipe or rub my eyes as if to eliminate the evidence. I know that I've asked my therapist if my eyes are red or I look like I've "been doing the ugly cry?" before I leave her office. It is shameful to me to have anyone outside of her office to see my eyes red enough for them to know that I have been crying. How sad! How absolutely sad that I can't allow myself to experience the genuine feelings. I often attempt to stop the tears (inhibited grieving) and that's definitely not a good thing either. I do appreciate that my therapist does not overreact or underreact to my tears.

I don't know, I never cried in front of my T... I would be curious to know her reaction, anyway! I know sooner or later it's gonna happen.

Well, I don't think you should feel shameful for crying! We usually are in T office to process some really heavy, emotional stuff... so, seeing it from an outside look, I wouldn't see anything wrong in somebody walking out from personal T office with some red eyes.

I wish I could cry in therapy. Seeing that some of my angry feelings slipped out last session, maybe it will happen. If it does, I think my T would tell me "don't hold back" and she would be compassionate. If I wanted her to hold my hand, she would.

I cry all the time, but I feel mad at myself for getting out of control or crying over "stupid things." I try not to cry out loud because I feel like I'd absolutely wail if I let myself go. I try to keep talking and pretend I'm not crying, or I apologize.

I'm so glad someone mentioned that they're taught not to give you a tissue. I've felt a little rejected because no T has ever offered it. I always feel so rude for taking one without asking or being offered, but if it's between that and being covered with goo, I do it. I never thought about the fact that someone handing you a tissue also means "clean yourself up," so it makes a lot more sense now.

My current T makes very comforting faces, but he doesn't say anything. If he tried to touch me I'd want to sock him. I wouldn't want to feel held; I want my physical boundaries to be big when I'm feeling vulnerable.

I'm scared to leave with red eyes, too; I always stop in the bathroom on the way out.

>>Well, I don't think you should feel shameful for crying! We usually are in T office to process some really heavy, emotional stuff... so, seeing it from an outside look, I wouldn't see anything wrong in somebody walking out from personal T office with some red eyes<<

Sorry I didn't state myself in a more transparent way, Liam Grey. I totally agree with you that I have no need to feel shame for my tears. . . . I really and truly want to believe exactly that. What is my real life reality? I feel ashamed because I reject my personal right to have any genuine feelings. But, I'm working on correcting that. Thanks so much for your support in letting me know that I'm allowed to feel exactly what I feel! . . . Now if I can only give myself that level of permission!!

When I cry, T sits with me. He has on his face the same expression I think I make when I see a kid crying. When I make that face, I am always thinking, "Oh, oh, poor baby, gosh, I'm sorry you're so upset, I wish I could make the hurt stop." So I figure that's probably what he's thinking, too.

Although I am finding I am crying more in T over the last two years (for the first five I just couldn't get deep enough), I find it very difficult and uncomfortable to show my feelings. I was always told and taught to "dry up" with the old "I'll give you something to really cry about!!" line. Plus one abuser was not emotionally capable of dealing with emotions while the other was so overwhelmed with her own grief that she was almost emotionally absent.

My T's have handed me the box of tissue before. It makes me feel guilty. I tell myself "now look what you did...you made T get up and take care of you". I hear some of you say how T comes and sits close to you, or how T holds your hand and I long for my T to do this when I cry....BUT....the idea terrifies me. I think if T validated my feelings/emotions by doing this it would only serve to tell me that I was worthy of that sort of care....and then I would have to accept that and I would have to face the fact that I was not taken care of on a whole new level that I don't know if I'm ready to do. If T attempted to comfort me....I think I might melt into a mess of tears and be paralyzed by the fear of letting someone get too close. I am afraid I might lose control and lash out...not cause I would want to but because it would be like some weird safety reflex that would be so sub-conscious and automatic.

I'm afraid to feel and experience caretaking. It terrifies me.

I don't even know if this makes any sense....

I've read this is why therapists aren't "supposed" to offer the tissue box...because it might distract the client from what they're feeling, or send a message like "hey, clean yourself up already!".

My T makes this face too

I didn't cry EVER before therapy. Not alone, not with other people. And it took me a long, long time before I cried in therapy. I think the first time I cried was after T was on a vacation - he came back and I was just angry and overwhelmed with these huge feelings and I laid face down on the couch and cried

I do cry in therapy now. Honestly, it makes me feel kind of "normal"...I knew that my non-reaction to everything in my life wasn't right, but I just couldn't tap into my feelings about stuff. I was SO numb. Now, when I'm sad, I cry.

If my T is sitting across from me, he sometimes asks "why the tears?" (if he doesnt know why I'm crying). He makes the face that skeski mentioned. If I'm really sobbing, he'll gently talk me through it, and say things like "good girl" or "you're doing a good job".

Once, he was sitting next to me, and I was just LOST in the badness. I was telling him one of my hardest, saddest memories, and I was bent over with my face on my knees, really sobbing. T reached over and kind of rubbed my back. It was nice to have that in the midst of remembering what was probably my saddest moment from when I was young. It felt like someone actually saw me and got it and cared. I felt soothed.

I don't LIKE crying in therapy because I don't like to feel that sad. But I do like that it's a safe enough place for me to be able to feel what I need to feel.

I am glad my T doesn't touch me when I cry, because I feel if he did, I would just lose it, and really start crying much harder. It would be like a releaser. If he touched me, I just wouldn't be able to hold back. His keeping his distance helps me to hold myself together. He can be emotionally close without touching me, and this is enough closeness for me in moments of sadness. We do hug sometimes at the end of sessions, but it is not to comfort me, and I am usually not in danger of falling apart then.

The more I read replies, the more I think about my crying in session.
It is odd, but I feel like I deserve to finally have someone witness my internal agony.

For so many years, I was made to stick on a happy face. I was told that "Big girls don't cry." I was shown by my mom that if you did have to cry, you were to lock yourself safely away in your bedroom and not come out until you were composed.

But my father taught me that anger COULD be shown in public! It could be used as a weapon and used to manipulate people. ugggg

And we wonder why it is so hard for us to be HONEST about our emotions most of the time.

When I am with my T, I am re-learning how to be healthy. That means he teaches me how to take my anger and focus it into words that address the issue rather than energy that comes out all sideways and hurts others.

And the tears show me that it is OK for me to feel sorrow and compassion when I am with others. I don't have to hide away under a rock if I need to cry. It is not a shame to cry. It is NOT "being a girl" if I cry.

((Ever notice in society how if a man cries in public, people tend to show a lot more respect for the guy? If a woman cries in public, many people look down on her and say things like "Woman are so emotional" ))

To be honest, I have seen in my lifetime more men cry in public than woman! That is because of the deep shame woman tend to be handed when we do cry.

Session time is about being honest. It is about being able to express ourselves without the shame. I think the tissue issue is often a distraction to what is supposed to be happening in that sacred healing space. If a T hands us a tissue, it should not be the focus of the event. If we have to use our shirts like I do when I am in my child alter stage, so what! Who cares!!!! Yes, it is messy. Yes, I know I do this and I will go home and stip my shirt off to launder it pronto!

The point is that crying in therapy is a display of honesty and trust. I think it takes time and work for a client to be free enough to present themselves with total honesty to the T. If I were a T, I would be highly honored to see a man or woman be able to display their pain in raw form with messy tears to me. And yes, I would put a tissue box next to them if they appeared to be searching out one through the tears.

I just read through this whole thread- i've been in therapy for probably the last 25 years on and off, with the last 10 years on with the same T. i had no idea that they weren't supposed to hand you a tissue.
I am a cryer. i cry when I'm happy or sad or angry or frustrated. i have probably used a case of tissues just with T - she usually has a box right next to my chair, plus another one next to her other chair, so they are always super close - she has pushed the box over closer but never handed me one....never thought about it till now.
I usually talk through the tears unless I'm really upset about something - she just looks at me when I cry - very good poker face.....

Thanks for all of the replies you guys!

it only happened once, she had this instant look of concern on her face and said "you look REALLY sad!!" Then she told me there were tissues next to me. She didn't touch me or come over. She handled it well.

I LOVE when my T names my feelings for me. I am so bad at knowing what I'm feeling. One time, I was crying, and T asked "what are you feeling right now?" and I said "I don't KNOW" and he said "how do you think people usually feel when they cry?" and I said "Sad?".

But often, he'll say "you look really sad" or name another feeling I'm having and it helps a LOT.

Handing a patient a tissue breaks the thought that the patient is processing. This is also why most T's do not touch, move or allow drinks and such in therapy because it will distract the patient from the process of feeling. The emotions get so hard to work with, that a lot of folks will welcome any interruption to turn them off so they don't have to feel them. If you start to feel uncomfortable with processing the pain and see your water bottle sitting in front of you, a part of you will think that "hey, I really could use a drink of water right now" and then your thoughts are broken, and therefore, the process is either slowed or stopped.

If my T were to try and touch me in therapy, I would jump out of my skin and head for the door. Nothing against her, but with past trauma I'm very, very uncomfortable with people touching me. Period. That's just me.

Thank you for this. Years ago when my son was in rehab, we had group family therapy and we were asked to not comfort (touch, etc) another group member because it would distract them from what they were in the midst of, something very important that needed to be let out.

My T does allow drinks, though. Though I rarely take one in, it would go on the small table where the kleenex sits. She doesn't offer me kleenex, but once did move the box back to the table because it had been moved away from the table during the session before mine, I suppose.

Your post also is making me think about my wanting comfort. Comfort IS a distraction and it's why it feels good to receive; the person offering the comfort provides relief and distraction, so I don't have to feel so much. So, I think that wanting comfort is yet another way I resist or attempt to resist in therapy. Wanting comfort becomes a point of stop-thinking. Wanting comfort stops me from exploring some things because I tell myself that there would be no comfort, so why even go there.

You know what, this is making me think too, about this want that I have for comfort....maybe I am simply letting that want distract me or be a deliberate obstacle in front of the tears so that I don't have to let them come....Like your thought - I know I won't be held if I cry, so no comfort, so why go there. I have touch/comfort and tears all entwined. I need to separate out the want for touch/comfort from the tears, and learn how to just be with the tears, to let them come, touch or no touch!

Poetgirl- don't ya just love it when you have a lightbulb moment like you just did? I know I do. Thank heaven for this board.

Folks, I had a discussion with my therapist about Kleenex today. She thinks it would be awesome if Kleenex would sponsor therapists or give them a discount or something, but have inspiring messages and whatnot on the side of the box, specifically aimed at therapy.

(I have to admit, that thought came to mind because of a thread that I read here, I just can't remember where)

I also used up half a box of kleenex, first because my hands were dirty and didn't have access to water or a sink to wash them, and secondly because... well, for their intended purpose of sobbing my eyes out. Not a lot of fun. But she didn't hand me the box this time... I think she wanted to take it away from me since I was using so much

As much as I would like to, I have not been able to cry in T yet. I have been going for about a year and a half. My T is very professional, so I think he would be empathetic, but I don't think he would touch me in any way. He says when I talk about all the terrible things that happened to me I talk about it in a non-emotional way. Idk if I'll ever be able to cr there, but I think it would be liberating for me.

I asked T the other day, what DO you do when someone cries....
She said, I sit quietly, wait, give them space and time to cry.....or I cry with them. I had my face buried in her couch, not crying but shaking with unshed tears when she said this, and I heard tears in her voice.....so I believe if I ever do let loose and cry, she will sit there and cry with me. And somehow, this is comforting, to think of tears being shared......even without touch.....