[Suratji]

What kind of fool exposes their innards to a stranger? Is it only an idiot who throws caution to the wind and jumps into a trusting relationship with a person THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!! Isn't that considered a bit of dis-function? YEP! How do I know I can trust this stranger? Sure, she's a licensed psychotherapist but still...

In only 3 months I have told all. My God, how did that happen? I have allowed myself to enter extreme emotional turmoil with no guarantee it will do any good. I am so pissed at myself.

[Liam Grey]

I don't know how to sum it up, but reading you in this months I assure you look anything but an idiot.

You are exposing yourself just to get better... that's not a disfunction. That's smart from my point of view. That's courageous. You are choosing to do something instead of staying where you were. Don't know if I'm explaining myself clear, but I think you (we) are doing the right thing!

For the emotional turmoil... you are right, that's powerful, difficult and you (we) don't know if it'll pay. Unfortunately we have to accept it. But again, that's for our good that we are doing this.

Really, maybe it's more the venting of the moment, but I don't think you should be pissed at yourself .

[WikidPissah]

(((suratjo))) It hurts to trust...and if your anything like me it comes hard. You may not know for sure if T is trustworthy, but you don't know for sure she isn't either...right? I have to keep reminding myself that...even though a bunch of stuff keeps coming up that makes me think otherwise.

[Suratji]

I see T tomorrow and I have to tell her how I feel at the moment. I'm going to ask her if my throwing myself into my relationship with her is indicative of unhealthy patterns in my life and what should I do about it now with her. For some reason I find myself really angry at her right now and I don't know why

[karebear1]

Huhj. You and I should merge out two threads, they practically say the same thing.

[BlessedRhiannon]

You're NOT an idiot.

Trusting someone with our most private thoughts is one of the hardest things about therapy. I'm amazed and a little jealous that you were able to build such trust in just a few short months. It's taken me almost 2 years! As I told my T today, "you haven't given me any reason not to trust you." I'd wager your T hasn't given you any reason not to trust her either.

[Suratji]

Well, I just called T and left a message for her to forewarn her that I'm really really pissed off at her. I told her that I'm a fool for trusting and that she encouraged me to trust and that now I'm beyond vulnerable and it's all her fault. I've become needy and attached and I don't even know that person. So, at least she knows what to expect tomorrow morning.

Yesterday I had the most emotional gut-wrenching session ever and I question seriously why that was necessary and why inflaming emotions is a good thing. She had convinced me but now I'm supremely skeptical.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Huhj. You and I should merge out two threads, they practically say the same thing.

I know - and we posted at the same time too. Weird, huh?

[Out_of_denial]

Well, I'm an idiot the other way . Its been 6 m or so I am just realizing that she doesnt know much at all about me and believe me, she trys. I finally told her she had to give me something to do, so I'm now writing an autobiograpy. Then she reads it. She says nothing about it. I dont have to send it to her, but says she likes to read it. I figure that I'll cut her a break and let her gather info. I really do give her a hard time. Cracking jokes, cleverly changing the subject, whatever I can. Its maddening to both of us.

So yeah, I'm completely opposite and feel just as stupid. Least your way will go lots faster.

No worries, okay?
Amy

[rainbow8]

You're definitely NOT an idiot for telling all to your T. That's her job! On a gut level you do trust her or you wouldn't have been so open with her. I did that with my T too. Sometimes I think about it and wonder what I've done, but my T keeps saying she's not judging me.

I hear that it's the needy and attached parts you don't like. Well, they are not ALL of you. There is some part or parts that must be missing that or you wouldn't feel that way.

I know it sounds trite, but go in and BE angry with your T but listen to what she has to say. Talk about how she made you needy and what that's all about. There's probably something to learn from it.

[SpiritRunner]

There have been many good things said already......I'll repeat this, you are not an idiot. But I understand why you feel that way! I have felt that way.....getting so quickly attached to T, trusting her more than was comfortable (is yet comfortable) for me, telling her all these deep, dark things I have never told another person ever.....not knowing if I should safely trust her or not. Thinking I was silly and stupid to think I should, when she might not be worth it.....
Heck, I was mad last week, thinking, look, I trusted, I was honest, and see what happened? She hurt me just as others have hurt me.......And yet I see that it isn't the same, it wasn't just as others have hurt me, because there was genuine care in it; and even in the midst of trust being shaken, she proved she's worthy of it.
Yes, my relationship with T is helping me see unhealthy patterns in my relationships in RL and in myself, but my relationship with her is what is helping break those unhealthy patterns so that I learn healthy ones!
Doing emotional work hurts, healing hurts, and hurts makes us pissed off! So your emotions are normal and reasonable as part of the process, I'd say!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

I'm amazed and a little jealous that you were able to build such trust in just a few short months.

That's the problem. I threw myself in head first without thinking. I thought I was thinking but obviously not. I had questioned her a lot about disclosure, etc. and then I believed her. So soon was I convinced and then I acted upon it. I shouldn't be so trusting.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

Heck, I was mad last week, thinking, look, I trusted, I was honest, and see what happened?

Did you tell her you were mad? I know you told her how much she hurt you but did you display anger?

I called my T and left a somewhat angry message. Unlike you, my T hasn't done anything 'overtly' wrong except I feel so exposed now and feel she led me on.

[ljp1979]

I normally don't trust people, don't talk about my feelings and emotions, just keep it to myself. I have been in therapy for 2months this time, and my T is so kind and sweet and welcoming, that after 5 visits i laid my whole life in front of him. I was so mad afterwards, I told him that at next session - you made me tell you things, and then there is no solution from you, I am still hanging here with all those issues... I am not even sure why I told him I was mad at him, but he took it very kindly and we talked about it.

Hopefully you can talk it out tomorrow, and feel better. I am guessing it's just part of the healing process to be angry at T for making you open up. Good luck tomorrow!

Originally Posted by Suratji

What kind of fool exposes their innards to a stranger? Is it only an idiot who throws caution to the wind and jumps into a trusting relationship with a person THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!! Isn't that considered a bit of dis-function? YEP! How do I know I can trust this stranger? Sure, she's a licensed psychotherapist but still...

In only 3 months I have told all. My God, how did that happen? I have allowed myself to enter extreme emotional turmoil with no guarantee it will do any good. I am so pissed at myself.

I think having PC may have helped you be able to open up as soon as you did. Some of us take a year before we get enough courage to do what you did.

Once I found the support of PC, I opened up to my therapist within a month. It helps to know that you are not alone in your thoughts. This may have been why you were able to do what you did so soon.

As to the "idiot", one of my recent emails to my therapist was titled, "What kind of IDIOT shares that with her therapist! A STUPID idiot!".

I do not know how to make you feel any better. All I can say is that I do know exactly how you feel.

I still feel like that most of the time. I hate it!

(((((((((((suratji)))))))))))

It is SO okay to be angry. Before I started therapy, I was really never angry, although I had things to be angry about. It just felt like...what's the point? I felt like anger was scary.

T told me over and over early in therapy that it is okay to be angry at him, even though I wasn't the tiniest bit angry. He told me so much it almost MADE me angry to hear it over and over again!

But you know what? Eventually, I did start to get angry, and it was all aimed directly at T. He didn't do anything, but I was MAD. I would stand in the shower and suddenly say out loud "I HATE T". It was confusing. It was like there was all of this old anger and no place to put it and the only thing I knew to do with it was to aim it directly at T...because he was safe, and able to handle it, and I must have known on some unconscious level it would be okay.

And it WAS okay. T was okay with it, I learned to be okay with it, and slowly, slowly over time I was able to direct the anger where it really belonged.

I think that sometimes fear leads to anger as well. It is scary to put trust in someone, and to expose ourselves to them.

It's all a process of learning and growing and changing. However you feel is RIGHT, right at this moment.

You are *not* an idiot. You're working hard and being very brave.

Originally Posted by Suratji

For some reason I find myself really angry at her right now and I don't know why

I do remember getting angry after my BIG confession in December. I wrote her a letter and had her read it in my session. I basically told her how STUPID I felt having a melt down in her office.

I said something to the effect, "I am just another client to you. You have no emotions about me at all and would not be upset one bit if I never came back. Why did I even come here? How is this helping me when I am hurting so much? I hate doing this and I may never be back again!"

Of course she went into the speech about how exploring our emotions and facing our fears is going to make me a healthier person. How normal I was to be going through the emotions about NOT wanting to tell her things. She talked about how confusing it was to share your most personal issues with someone you really know nothing about. That it was normal to be angry at her and not like her at times. And she clarified that she would care if I chose to stop therapy at such a critical time.

Since then, I have told her a number of times that I was upset with her. In fact, right now she knows that I am. I am sick to death of her giving me the assignment of learning how to FORGIVE myself. I told her last time when she gave it to me: YOU HAVE ALREADY GIVEN THAT TO ME A HALF DOZEN TIMES!!

Her response: "You are getting it again." I wanted to slap her and she knew it. She later wrote me in an email that she knew I was upset with her, but it was her job to make me face the hard stuff. She said that until I was ready to truly forgive myself for things in my past, I would not be able to achieve the successful future that I have written as one of my goals.

Getting angry is normal. I do that about every other session. I also say I am QUITTING just about every session! After a day or so, I am frantically counting down the days until I will see here again. This is what I call "INSANITY"!!

My advice to you is "This too shall pass." You will be back in her office getting another dose of therapy and the cycle will begin all over again. I think you will be more unhappy if you stop, than if you continue to work on yourself.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Did you tell her you were mad? I know you told her how much she hurt you but did you display anger?

I called my T and left a somewhat angry message. Unlike you, my T hasn't done anything 'overtly' wrong except I feel so exposed now and feel she led me on.

No, I do not suppose I really did.....because mainly I wasn't so ticked as I was scared actually. I knew it was fear under the anger, so I talked about the fear and we addressed that....but she did know I was upset, too. I just didn't rant and rave.....

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Suratji

I see T tomorrow and I have to tell her how I feel at the moment. I'm going to ask her if my throwing myself into my relationship with her is indicative of unhealthy patterns in my life and what should I do about it now with her.

I don't think she will know if it indicates a pattern. You will know that, though. Do you have a string of past relationships where you threw yourself into them, revealed all quickly, etc.?

Suratji, many people go for months and months and months before they share the important information with their therapist, and dare to become vulnerable, etc. I don't think your candor is such a bad thing. Has your T done anything with the information you've shared to hurt or harm you? I.e., has she shown herself to be untrustworthy?

Good luck tomorrow at your session. Everything you've written, Suratji, makes me think you are moving very quickly through the therapy cycle and making a lot of progress. It may not be apparent now, but I think a lot of big gains are around the corner.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Suratji - just seeing your posts here has shown how much you've grown. The feelings after exposing our vulnerabilities are terrible, but we learn from them. Be honest with your T about your anger even if you don't know why you're angry. Do you need some pocket riders? I'll go!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I think having PC may have helped you be able to open up as soon as you did.

Oh, I get to blame you guys too?? Awesome!! Spread the blame around.

You may have a point Squiggle - reading how everyone else is handling their emotions and their sessions with T probably did give me that stupid courage to bare all. Ugh!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I think that sometimes fear leads to anger as well. It is scary to put trust in someone, and to expose ourselves to them.

Yeah, I'm surprised I feel so angry. It just came up out of the blue. I really like my T but now I feel like she led me on. That she should have warned me and prevented me from going on this terrible roller coaster ride. She should have seen that I'm susceptible and she should have pointed that out. She should have said, "Listen, I can see that you're starting to get attached and this attachment will lead to pain. I want to teach you to be strong and so therefore I will warn you that going down this road of trust will make you weak and needy and I want to point out what you're doing now will only hurt you in the end."

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

My advice to you is "This too shall pass." You will be back in her office getting another dose of therapy and the cycle will begin all over again. I think you will be more unhappy if you stop, than if you continue to work on yourself.

I think she'll probably drop me now.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Do you have a string of past relationships where you threw yourself into them, revealed all quickly, etc.? Not really, but who knows what kind of dangerous potential there may be.

Has your T done anything with the information you've shared to hurt or harm you? I.e., has she shown herself to be untrustworthy? She set me up for this fall. She led me on telling me it is good to go where the emotions are. I argued with her but finally believed her and now I'm gutted.

thanks for your supportive words.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

. Do you need some pocket riders? I'll go!

Sure, I need all the help I can get. It's not my style to show or express anger. I'm a good girl. But T emphasized to me once that I must share any feelings I have about her so I am going to try to let it all out. Dang, it will be tough.