[rainbow8]

TRIGGER IS FOR TALKING ABOUT DEATH AND WORRY ABOUT T DYING


Suddenly tonight I thought about my T's vacation the week after next. I didn't ask where she's going yet but even if it's not out of the country, I'm already getting those panicky, immobilizing feelings. I emailed her about it and asked if we could talk about it next week. She replied that we should definitely do EMDR about it, and she knows how her going away triggers me.

It's not like when others miss their T when they go on vacation. I am almost in a state of grief because I worry that she's going to die. I also think that way when anyone in my family goes away too. I feel beyond sadness and anxiety. It's almost like if I prepare for it and it happens, I'll be ready. It's irrational, but not really because death can happen anytime. In my email I wrote that if she dies, I'd cry and cry forever and nobody but people on PC would understand.

So, my T has worked with people on death and grieving issues and led groups on the subject. I'm still in the middle of talking about my mother but my T said it's okay to go with whatever issue seems most pressing each week, so we jump around a lot. Since this came up because she's going away, we're going to deal with it now.

I really do get immobilized and depressed when I think about my T's trip. I was miserable when she went out of the country the last time. It's not so much missing her as thinking "what if she doesn't come back?" I don't know where in my childhood this comes from. I'm sure it has to do with my mother but it's more about the reality of life and death than anything else. I don't want people close to me to die. But who does? I think about it when they go on trips more than any other time.

Sorry for being so morbid. I hope the trigger helps those who can't tolerate this subject to stay away.

((((((((((Rainbow))))))))))

I actually thought about this very thing today...what if something happens to T and he dies and I never see him again? Ugh.

What I did do was to make sure I said the things I would want him to know...that I am grateful for him, and that I love him, and that he has made such a huge difference in my life that there aren't even words for it. And knowing that I said those things gave me a little peace.

I used to worry about that before T vacations too, and honestly, when he goes out of town, I do what I did today...I think about what I want to make sure I've told him, and I tell him.

Of course if your T (or mine, or anyone for that matter!) dies, it would be an unbelievably horrible thing. I do try to remember that no matter how much I worry, I can't change what happens, and I try to let it go and be mindful about the moment I'm in. And if the fear floats back in, I just do it again (and again and again).

I'm sorry it feels so scary. I hope the EMDR helps

[rainbow8]

tree, thank you so much for responding. I was afraid I'd scare everyone away! I'm also glad you're not leaving PC; we need you here!! Your advice is good; I know we're always told to say "I love you" to those we care about every time we talk to them. I tell my kids and they tell me on the phone and in person, something I didn't do with my own parents until my father's last year or so.

My T is "into" mindfulness and I just got the book, Wherever You Go There You Are, upon her recommendation. I started it. We also do meditation and breathing at each session. I've never had a T like her before, and I've never practiced meditation or mindfulness before either. I had to stop yoga, but I liked it too. A lot of my problem is anxiety and worry about the future. My T wants me to live in the now, and even in therapy, be in the "now" with her and not read what I emailed previously.

It's hard for me, though. I am glad my T isn't afraid to talk about death with me. She makes it easy to talk about anything, from peeing, LOL, to death!

[with or without you]

I'm afraid of dying like anyone else, but I'm not afraid to talk about death at all, either on this forum or in therapy. Or anywhere else in between. I guess it's because I'm desensitized to it...I have experienced a ton of losses in the past 10 years or so. This sounds harsh, but the only thing I can say to possibly help you is that any of us could go at any time. I try to think about all the people I'm acquainted with as much as I can, so I don't take any of them for granted.

Personally, I would be absolutely devastated if anything happened to my T. But I would be grateful that such a person ever came into my life at all to begin with.

I'm glad your T can handle you talking about your very real fears of losing her!

[online user]

How wonderful that you have such a therapist! Yes, it would be nice to know what triggers us to fear and anxiety, when we know on the surface it isn't rational. My husband lost his first wife when he was away. He has an unnatural fear when we are separated that probably goes back to her. So I dutifully call him and let him know if I am driving somewhere separate from him, when I arrive, etc. And I call him before I get in the car to come home. And mid-way, if it's a long trip. He really appreciates this; it is comforting, I guess, to know I am OK.

It is nice that you are a caring person too! Hope you can allay your fears while she is gone. If not, write in again and we'll send soothing, supportive thoughts your way!

[rainbow8]

thank you, WOWY. Yes, I'm so, so grateful for having my T for a year so far. I never thought I'd see another T after my last one, so finding her is such a special gift. Which of course is why I wouldn't want to lose her. But if she did die, I have pages of emails and a visualization tape that she made for me. I would never forget her! I know it's tied in with my mother, whom I never completely grieved for, also. I have all of my memories too, but it still feels like I'm pre-grieving. My T has always said death is an important subject to talk about, but I haven't felt safe enough until now.

Thank you, online user. I understand your husband's concerns and I'm glad that you are so considerate of his feelings. Yes, I am so fortunate to have my T but so scared of losing her.

[BethD1980]

I get panicky when T goes on vaca, and she knows it and tries not to tell me, but i know when we skip a week its becuase she is going away. Its like I can tell the moment she leaves I start getting a panic attack like Im all alone , i find extreme comfort knowing that she is right down the street from me, 9 times out of 10 i dont need to call her, but when shes gone is when I feel like I need to talk to her, probably becuase I cant.
I also do meditation and breathing with my T, we do whats called transformational breathing, and are reading a book called "the prescence process" we have done it 3 times, I highly recommend it. its by Michael Brown. She also does hypnosis, which Ive done once and was amazing. anyhow, sorry for my rambling, but im awfully tired today.
Beth

[Perna]

One thing that helps me a little is to "jump the chasm" and plan something for after T will be back? You know how when you are driving your car they tell you to look out, a little bit ahead, in order to steer well because if you look right in front, it's harder because you're going so fast and your eyes can't adjust (like looking immediately out a train or car window as the scenery whizzes by instead of further off toward the horizon/mountains :-) So, I plan "other" things for when T is away to present to T when she gets back; a simple diary of my experience of her being away; if it were now, I would start working on my Mother's Day party I have every year; some project I've wanted to do but haven't had the time/head space to work on it because I've been concentrating on T, etc.

I didn't always tell my job that T was away; sometimes I took off just as if I was going to my session and did something else! Sitting with yourself during T time, without T can be interesting!

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

thank you, WOWY. Yes, I'm so, so grateful for having my T for a year so far. I never thought I'd see another T after my last one, so finding her is such a special gift. Which of course is why I wouldn't want to lose her. But if she did die, I have pages of emails and a visualization tape that she made for me. I would never forget her! I know it's tied in with my mother, whom I never completely grieved for, also. I have all of my memories too, but it still feels like I'm pre-grieving. My T has always said death is an important subject to talk about, but I haven't felt safe enough until now.

You're welcome. Horrible as it is, death is ultimately what gives meaning to our lives.

[rainbow8]

Horrible as it is, death is ultimately what gives meaning to our lives.

Thanks again, WOWY.

Thanks, Beth. My T has me reading Wherever You Go, There You Are, about mindfulness meditation. Have you read it?

Thank you, Perna. Those are all good ideas for what to do when my T is away. But it's more than that. I need to discuss my feelings about loss and death with her. She thinks the EMDR will help with the immobilized way I get when I think about her leaving. EMDR helped a lot last week so I'm more willing to do it again.

[nannypat]

I have the same anxiety when my T goes away. I have to work really hard not to build up thoughts of everything that could happen to cause death or keep him from coming back. He will tell me weeks in advance if possible so we can work through some of the feelings. I feel so foolish sometimes because i think of so many other things that we could spend the time on but the anxiety can become crippling do to some huge abandonment issues.I always start out trying to tell myself it is no big deal, everyone needs a vacation, then I end up in a puddle of tears. I so wish I wasn't like this, but know that you are not alone.

[rainbow8]

nannypat, thank you for your post. I'm sorry you go through the same as me. Do you also worry each week? I try to control myself and not think about it, but my sessions means so much to me, and my T is so important, that I can't help but worry that something will happen to her in between sessions. It's an ongoing feeling that I try to accept, but underneath it is knowing that I'm not in control of the world. Bad things can happen to anyone at any time and I just have to accept that's the way life is. What does your T say to help you?