[WikidPissah]

This has been happening a lot with my T. Sometimes we have a good meeting and things work, then the next week it's like he totally forgets who I am. There is no continuance between weeks. Sometimes I email to keep my thoughts out there, to try to keep letting him in, and he usually answers those emails...but never remembers them during session. This week was a bad blow to me. I had to put my dog down last week, I also had a bad appt with pdoc. I emailed and asked for an extra session, he responded saying there wasn't anything available (which was fine, I understand that) He said he'd call, but never did (which is fine as well, I am well aware that I am not the center of the universe and I am sure he was busy) Then today during our regular session he didn't even remember that I was grieving my dog. I am feeling more and more like a number and not a person. I am hurting...do I have reasonable cause to be hurting? I cried when I brought up my dog...but they were tears of hurt that he didn't remember, not really tears for the dog. He didn't catch that. I don't want to be a cling on...but what is the sense of emailing if it isn't congruent to my treatment. Why bother talking on a weekly basis when what I say goes into a void and never comes back. Am I making sense? Again, I just need to know if I have cause to be upset? If I do, I will send an email that will not be remembered.

[Suratji]

I think you have cause to be upset. Definitely yes. My T reminds me of things that have happened to me in order for us to process some stuff. She also takes notes during session. I leave her messages sometimes during the week and I forget what I have said but she remembers.

[BlessedRhiannon]

First, I am so very sorry to hear about your dog. I know how hard that is, and I'm dreading the day when I have to let one of mine go.

Second - I do think you have cause to be upset. I think there's a big difference between wanting to be the center of the universe and a reasonable expectation that your T will remember things from one session to the next, or will remember things said in an email or phone call. I do not think it is at all unreasonable to expect T to remember things you've discussed. If they can't remember, then they should be taking notes and reviewing those notes prior to your session. How can you expect to make progress forward when you have to keep retracing steps to jog T's memory, or remind him of the things that are important to you. Working with a T is hard enough as it is...he shouldn't be making it harder on you by needing you to remind him of what's going on with you and what's important to you.

It's probably not that T thinks you're unimportant, it's probably just that he has a crappy memory. Perhaps if you point out that you find it distressing that he doesn't seem to remember things you've told him, he will take steps to rectify that. You could even say that you don't mind if he takes notes during session if it will help him remember and you don't mind if he reviews notes at the beginning of a session. Maybe that will give him a hint that it's very important to you, and you've even given him a way to help solve the problem by suggesting taking notes.

[WikidPissah]

I feel even more unimportant when I realize I spelled the thread title incorrectly, and very few have commented. Sad that I am such a looser that this crap matters. Regardless, I am thankful for the responses I have received....THANX. I put together an email for T...arg, I don't want to sound pushy or bossy or anything, but I really need this thing to work or end, I can't keep floating around not accomplishing anything. It sux, because it is so good at times, but those times are only like 1 in 4. Maybe I could post an email here and you can tell me if I sound too critical?

[ECHOES]

(((WP))) I am so sorry you lost your dog. It is heartbreaking to lose a pet.
It's slow here sometimes, then all of a sudden there are many posting.
I hear the disconnection and loneliness in your post and it sounds awful. I just can't imagine someone forgetting something so big and important as the loss of a beloved pet.

Can you talk to T about all of this, about what he does and how you feel about it?

[granite1]

sorry things are going so badly with your T.i have been at work all day and this is why it has taken some time for me to respond.i'm not always helpfull but i do care about you.i know it totally sucks when our T seem to just have a lot of clients.
i do think you have a right to be mad maybe he could do what my T did when she allowed me to e-mail.she use to print them out so she would remember to talk about it.
do you want to share the letter you wrote with us

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I feel even more unimportant when I realize I spelled the thread title incorrectly, I know what you mean. I hate it when a typo becomes permanent and I think it reflects on meand very few have commented the feeling of not being heard is tough. But you are being heard. Believe it. Sad that I am such a looser that this crap matters. You are absolutely not a loser. Of course this 'crap' matters. We're human being who have needs. These needs are not something to be ashamed of. I read the other day that there is a societal pressure to not be so 'sensitive', but when it comes to scientific equipment, the most valuable are those that are the most sensitive.Regardless, I am thankful for the responses I have received....THANX. I put together an email for T...arg, I don't want to sound pushy or bossy or anything,I struggle with this too - thinking that by stating our needs we're being too pushy. My T has been working with me on this and I am getting better. but I really need this thing to work or end, I can't keep floating around not accomplishing anything. It sux, because it is so good at times, but those times are only like 1 in 4. only good 25% of the time? - not good. I would not be able to stick with a T with such a statistic. With my T it's good 99.9% of the time Maybe I could post an email here and you can tell me if I sound too critical? That is a really good idea.

Believe it; believe it with all your heart; believe that it is the most important truth - YOU ARE IMPORTANT!

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Wiki,

((((((huge hugs))))))) I am so, so sorry about the loss of your Dog. I don't think some people realise how painful the loss of a pet can be. Animals have their own personalities and they enrich our lives, so the loss of them is very much the same as grieving for a person in many ways. I cried when my dog died and I even cried in Therapy talking about my cat who was missing (and didn't return) I hadn't ever cried infront of that T until then.
I think you have every right to feel upset by feeling there is no continuity in your sessions. Every session must almost feel like starting again if he doesn't follow on from other things you have spoken about? It's clear you have tried to keep this continuity by emailing between sessions but he is still not providing this for you, which he should be.
For a T to say they will call and then to not contact you at all, especially after you have asked for an extra session because you are distressed is wrong and incompetent.
I am not surprised you are feeling more like a number than an important person with valid issues.

I think you have three options, 1) addressing the issue with him, explaining why you feel upset and what you need from him, 2) End therapy with him and find someone who can better support you or 3) stay with your current therapist, hoping he will change but risking feeling more hurt by his way of conducting therapy.

You have a right to see a T who can at the very least provide continuity of care

[WikidPissah]

There's no way I can ever do this T thing again. I will never find one that works...I actually like this guy and trust him and it still doesn't work. Here's the email I may send...let me know if it's too bossy and all about me...I don't want to seem narcissistic.

This is a hard email for me to write. I think you and I are lost in a void of some sorts. When I got emotional in session today, it wasn’t so much about my dog as it was me feeling hurt that you didn’t remember the email. I try to email so things stay congruent, but it just seems like week to week we start over and nothing is happening. I’m lost, it seems like we’re going somewhere, and you say we’ll get on something next week, but that never happens. I know I am just a number, I don’t expect you to have some perfect recall from week to week, but since I get lost so badly one of us has to keep track, or we will keep going in circles. I know that I am difficult, and I’m really sorry about that, it isn’t something I set out to be. It just feels really chaotic and all over the place right now. I’d really like to get on track and have some continuity from week to week. Please let me know how I can be clearer and more on task so I don’t keep pushing us off into this void.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

There's no way I can ever do this T thing again. I will never find one that works...I actually like this guy and trust him and it still doesn't work. Here's the email I may send...let me know if it's too bossy and all about me...I don't want to seem narcissistic.

This is a hard email for me to write. I think you and I are lost in a void of some sorts. When I got emotional in session today, it wasn’t so much about my dog as it was me feeling hurt that you didn’t remember the email. I try to email so things stay congruent, but it just seems like week to week we start over and nothing is happening. I’m lost, it seems like we’re going somewhere, and you say we’ll get on something next week, but that never happens. I know I am just a number, I don’t expect you to have some perfect recall from week to week, but since I get lost so badly one of us has to keep track, or we will keep going in circles. I know that I am difficult, and I’m really sorry about that, it isn’t something I set out to be. It just feels really chaotic and all over the place right now. I’d really like to get on track and have some continuity from week to week. Please let me know how I can be clearer and more on task so I don’t keep pushing us off into this void.

I think you're taking too much blame on yourself.

"I know that I am difficult."
"...how I can be clearer..."
"..I ...keep pushing us off into this void."

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( HUGS ))))))

Your feelings are incredibly valid and understandable. I too would be SO upset if T didn't remember such a big thing as the loss of a beloved pet. (And I am SO sorry for your loss...HUGS)....

It's so hard to not take it personally....I know I would automatically assume that I am not worth it, etc. even though it results in only me feeling even more upset.

It's definitely important to raise this with your T so that you can address it and work on it in therapy.

And as far as T saying that you will work on something the following week and it never comes up - remember that this is YOUR therapy. I know that my T will not initiate anything - I have to be the one to raise it...even though he knows what I need to attend to. It has to be me making that move...which I HATE because it's SO hard to address tough topics....

((( HUGS )))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((WP))))))))) I'm sorry you didn't feel heard, here or in T And I'm so so sorry about your sweet dog.

I liked that in your letter you asked T to work with you to find a solution. It must feel SO awful to feel like your story is forgotten from session to session. What is amazing is that you are paying attention to the fact that this is a T you trust, and that he is letting you down in this way...that both of those things are true, and that you can be honest about it and try to work through it with him.

You are not unimportant, WP. You are valued and you are loved.

[learning1]

I struggle with t forgetting stuff some too, although my t probably hasn't gone as far as your t. I haven't been talking to my t very long, so it's hard to tell.

As far as the t saying we'll talk about something in the next session, I've had 2 t's now who say that and don't do it. After a while with the first one, I asked her if she remembered what we talked about the last time. She said "very well" and gave me a lot of detail about what we had talked about! I was surprised she really did remember. Now I think that she was suggesting something possible to talk about in the next session, more as a way to end the session than as a direction to actually talk about it. She was not very directive at all; she would wait for me to come up with topics to talk about. That wasn't working for me and I quit. Later, with another t, I came to like bringing up the topics more sometimes. Now my current t sometimes says "I want you to think about blah blah blah" at the end of a session. Now that I realize he's not going to bring it up again, I don't expect it so it hasn't bothered me (yet). I'm getting the impression t's tend toward being scattered and forgetful, although your t is going too far with that.

I guess an advantage of not staying focused on a topic is it's more likely that what you talk about will be spontaneous and natural instead of something we clients already thought about a lot. On the other hand, too much lack of continuity sucks... especially when t's forget really important things!

[BlessedRhiannon]

Here's the email I may send...let me know if it's too bossy and all about me...I don't want to seem narcissistic.

I don't think you sound at all bossy or narcissistic. Quite the opposite, actually. I agree with Suratji...I think you're taking too much blame on to yourself. Yes, some of it might be you, but your T bears his own responsibility for not remembering what is important to you. I think it's great that you're asking your T how you can help in making sure things stay on track, that shows that it's important to you.

Regarding the thread title being misspelled...I honestly didn't notice because 'n' and 'm' are kinda hard to differentiate when reading the boards on my cell phone!

[WikidPissah]

Well T responded to my email, as he usually does.:

Wikid, You have a good point and I felt the void as well, I think there are any number of reasons why we are there. I would like your input as to how to structure our current sessions, email is a good idea, but perhaps you have other ideas as well. I am glad you let me know how you feel and there is no need for apology. I value the work we are doing and need to know what you need.
T

I am more hurt. He doesn't apologize for forgetting the big email last week about my dog and the convo about phoning me. He isn't sorry that I felt hurt. I have no other idea's ... I don't know what I'm doing, I can barely speak. I think it's over.

[granite1]

((((WP))))maybe he will apologise in person.i also think in your e-mail that you are taking a bit to much blame for this. it is your T job to keep in mind what you tell him is going on and to help you deal with it.no she will not bring things up in T that she may have said a week before but if i had sent her an e-mail or letter when it was allowed she would have a copy of it sitting on my chair totalk about if i chose.
i'm so sorry about your dog

[WikidPissah]

He barely touches anything I wrote in the email. God...this is freakin major. How could he forget a big thing like my dog? Why does he keep saying we will do something next week and then we don't do it? We are supposed to work on my inability to communicate...but he talks too much and I drift off. I am a t nightmare, it won't ever work for me. He's always late, so he doesn't look at my file or anything, and he is always playing with his phone, so he isn't hearing what little I do say. It's a train wreck.

[Splintered]

I think that it might be a good idea to be more explicit with your t about what is upsetting you. It seems like him forgetting things is the biggest issue for you at the moment - and I would be so, so upset if my t forgot such important things. But I agree with the others that in the email you put nearly all the blame on yourself for how things are going and you only made a brief reference to him forgetting things. I think the reason he probably didn't apologise is because he didn't realise how upset you are about him forgetting the email. You made most of the email about other things and he responded to that. It's okay to be hurt, angry, disappointed, sad, however you feel and let him know this. It sounds like he wants to be there for you so I don't think you'll lose him by being more open about how you feel. I know I couldn't get anything productive done with my t if she was forgetting important things. I hope you can email him/see him and tell him point blank how you feel. Maybe send him your posts from this thread?

I'm sorry for the loss of your dog.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

He barely touches anything I wrote in the email. God...this is freakin major. How could he forget a big thing like my dog? Why does he keep saying we will do something next week and then we don't do it? We are supposed to work on my inability to communicate...but he talks too much and I drift off. I am a t nightmare, it won't ever work for me. He's always late, so he doesn't look at my file or anything, and he is always playing with his phone, so he isn't hearing what little I do say. It's a train wreck.

Hi Wiki,

Please try to be easy on yourself, you sound like you are really beating yourself up here and it isn't nesscary at all, honestly. You have done nothing wrong and I agree with others that infact you are taking too much of the blame here. From his response it sounds like he does care and wants to help but that he still maybe doesn't understand the full depth of your struggle with the situation. This does not mean therapy isn't going to work for you. Remember Therapists aren't psychic and they get things wrong too, much of the time without even realising it. One wrong word can really upset a client who is already vulnerable. You do not and should not put up with him always being late or playing on his phone, I cannot tell you how completely wrong he is in doing this. Again that is not your fault it is his and it is not acceptable for him to do these things.

I can understand it's hard to tell someone you are hurt by their actions but you need to really tell him these things, in his response he is saying he wants to know these things. This is your therapy, he is providing a service and you deserve the best service you can get from him.

I know you say that you cannot start again, but does it not feel like you are starting again so much with this T? It is possible that his way of working just isn't helpful to you and that is not your fault either. People often have to change therapists because they don't perhaps gel well with the Therapist, they find the therapists way of working isn't helpful or they may find the therapists way of working is infact harmful! Therapists themselves know that clients can end up changing therapist and they must accept this and even may help clients to find someone else. Please don't rule out seeing someone else. I know it's difficult to imagine seeing someone else but I believe you have a lot of strength that you don't even realise. The strength that you had to even take those first steps to seeing a therapist!

It will be ok hun xxx

[WikidPissah]

When we started I told him my biggest problem was communication...he knows it's next to impossible for me to speak, that's why I do the emails. We were supposed to do double sessions, we did that 2x then he forgot about it. We started talking about trauma a little...just basic stuff, he pushed a little too hard at one time and I was upset, so he never brought up my past again. I have sent emails saying that I want to talk about one thing or another...but it never happens. I only email once during a week (if that, sometimes not at all) and I know he reads because he responds. In the beginning he printed them and addressed stuff in session, but that was last year. Now he totally forgets they exist...even very important ones. I know he's board, I am not in crisis or anything. I took a few long breaks because of medical stuff. I wasn't going to go back, but pdoc is requiring T.

[Chronic]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

He barely touches anything I wrote in the email. God...this is freakin major. How could he forget a big thing like my dog? Why does he keep saying we will do something next week and then we don't do it? We are supposed to work on my inability to communicate...but he talks too much and I drift off. I am a t nightmare, it won't ever work for me. He's always late, so he doesn't look at my file or anything, and he is always playing with his phone, so he isn't hearing what little I do say. It's a train wreck.

I thought his response was nice... He says he values your therapy together and that he needs to know what you need. He validated you for what you wrote to him about how you feel. These are all very important things (for me). He acknowledges the "void" the two of you have and seems to really want to work on this. I understand why you want him to apologise, but maybe he feels it more appropriate to do so to your face? My T often seems to ignore what I see as the most important bits of my emails, and if he does then I bring it up with him in session. I often find he wants to explain things in more detail in session rather than in email in case I misinterpret him in email. Could you take this thread with you and show it to him if you dont feel about to tell him verbally how hurt you feel?

I'm also sorry for the loss of your dog- it is very hard when a beloved pet dies

[darkrunner]

Hi Wikid,

Remember that just because you feel unimportant, doesn't mean you are.


My T used to forget about stuff lots of times - like a difficult subject would come up at the end, and she would say she wanted to start with that the next time but didn't bring it up. Or, she would give me a homework assignment, but never mentioned it or asked if I did it. Lots of stuff like that.

At first I felt glad about it, because it gave me a way to avoid the stuff I didn't want to address.
Then it started to bother me. I felt hurt and unimportant because if she cared enough about it (me) she would care enough to remember.

But one thing I eventually learned is that it is MY therapy and I am in charge. Whether I want to talk about something or avoid something, I can!
If I think an assignment is worthwhile and I want to do it, I should do it. And if I want to talk it over with T, *I* need to bring it up.
It is my therapy, not hers, so it should be my agenda.

It really has more to say about *you* than your T.

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel hurt that your T forgot about your dog. You do feel that way, it's a valid feeling. I would probably feel that way too.
But it is your responsibility to bring that up in therapy and talk about those feelings with your T. And THAT'S how your T can really help you with your biggest problem of communication - by giving you a safe place to communicate.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

he talks too much and I drift off.

He's always late,

and he is always playing with his phone,

These are important. When he starts to talk to much and you want to drift off can you choose to speak up instead and tell him this so that you won't drift off?

Mentioning these other 2 things is really important too.

[WikidPissah]

I will hopefully be able to address some things on Tuesday. I know he only talks so much because I don't talk. I really need help being able to express myself though, I have such a hard time opening up. When I get there I get so anxious, my mind goes completely blank and I don't know what to say. I can answer direct questions, but when it comes to me directing the conversation...well, there is just no way, I am nowhere's near ready to do that.