Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,
I made it through another day fighting the urge to call you for no reason other than to hear your voice. Will this ever get easier?!

dear t, i cancelled my appt for tomorrow night. i needed to help my son with his rent. i do get paid again friday. i wish i had the guts to ask if i can wait on the payment till then and still come in, but too afraid to hear the word "no". i don't want to think this is about money. even though i know part of it is, needs to be.

i am also scared. i bawled my eyes out last time for the first time and even though you were really great about it. i don't know what you would say about it this time. did you even realize i cancelled? does your wife even tell you? i hate that your wife is your receptionist. i feel like now nothing i say is confidential and that after i leave you both just sit there and have a good laugh because i am so crazy and damaged... and it hurts that you would be laughing at my expense.

Dear T,

Thank you for showing just a few seconds of emotion today! Did I see tears in your eyes? I am glad that my letters to you seemed to have touched you that much. I wish I could have spoken those words of gratitude out loud to you, but you know that that is hard for me.

I hope that you know I meant every word of what I wrote.

Squiggle

(For those of you who would like to know what letters I am talking about, they are posts #85 and #191 in my other thread about wanting to tell your therapist things, but can't)

Wow, Squiggle! I'm glad you had a great session. Hey, I didn't realize posts had NUMBERS until you listed the #'s of your posts!!

im sorry, we all are. we want/wanted to finish important work with you!!

miss you and tx, we did so much better and had hope

Did you ask her about taking a picture for or with you??

I'm scared about discussing what I emailed you. I don't know if my feelings are real or not. When I'm in the room with you, I might try to minimize them and I don't want to do that. I want to pretend you're not so important, pretend I don't "love you". I know you'll want to talk about my H and I'll feel disappointed. I have to talk a little about feelings for you first. I'm panicky thinking about looking at you tomorrow. I know I'll be okay as soon as you say hi. You're so nonthreatening to me. You always have been. I wish I didn't feel so much for you, though. It hurts that I do. I feel so pathetic. I just wish once and for all I could cry with you!!!!!

I don't want to love you or act like I'm "in love" with you. I HATE that part of me likes feeling that way too.

good thoughts for your session tomorrow, rainbow8.

I didn't actually ask her, but she read it in the letter. Her response was that she was fine with us having a little celebration party. Then she said that for an occassion such as this, she would be fine with us taking a pic together.

I'm late to this, but I guess I'd just tell her how awful I really feel inside. How I think about sui daily and how scared I am to actually open up to her or anyone. I don't want to feel exposed and vulnerable. I'm tired of living life as a big ball of anxiety and sadness, I don't know how to help myself get out of this and feel like giving up.

Dear T,

I am SO glad I'm seeing you tomorrow. Maybe you can work out why some of my cognitive abilities have somehow diminished..

F

F, if you figure this out will you please let me know? I'm right there in that boat with ya... -CoY

(I actually sent this one to my therapist this morning!)

Dear T,

Thank you for sharing 2 seconds of raw emotion with me today. Unfortunately, I wasn't looking at you so I missed it!! Maybe I didn't really see it, but I felt it. The connection to a real person with 'real' feelings. Wow~ that was something! I even felt that we might actually exchange a teenie tiny hug, but I respected your boundaries and did not do that.

I do appreciate you allowing yourself to FEEL something! It made me not feel like a sappy wimp that I even gave those notes to you. Those were not actually supposed to given to our therapists. The thread that I started online was to write about things we "wanted to share with our therapists, but couldn't." We couldn't because we would die of embarrassment or think that our therapists would drop us like a hot potato if they knew what we were really thinking!

Not sure why I felt to do that today, but I did. I hope that in some small way, you were able to see just how much you give to others, and what a life changing 'ministry' you have. When I first came to you, I was in such a pit of despair that I could not see any way out. Thank God, you didn't give up on me and I am on my way to a much better place.

Thank you again for allowing God to use you in such a mighty way. I will try to act right and not be ugly, but I cannot guarantee that. I never know how I am going to be from one session to the next. If I do get ugly, please remember what I said in the letters you read today and what I am saying here.

Okay, I am done with the sappy stuff.

Squiggle

Dear T, i am glad you don't do email but every once in awhile it would be nice to be able to share how i am feeling without talking; either on the phone or in person. Have you thought of that? you might learn a little something more...

but the agony of waiting for a reply... no thanks!

Dear T,
I'm ready to face things tomorrow. Terrified, but ready. I wish this stuff wasn't so freaking frightening.

She thinks its due to me being extremely low in Vit B12. Hopefully the injections will help

T - I hope my bringing this thing to therapy doesn't irritate you. If anything it speaks for my motivation to get better. I hope it's ok...

Can't wait to see you on Monday

After today's session, I feel like there is NOTHING I can't tell my T!

Dear Therapist,

Therapy has ruined my life.

I fear love because I become obsessed and then the other person has complete power over how I feel. I'm obsessed with you and the limited relationship is the foundation of the depression that was not there when I started seeing you. I can't tell you because I can't risk you leaving me- even though I know it is the only way I have a chance at finding health again.
Therapy is hurting me. I depress myself and dig up hurtful things just to keep you. I can't stop. I hurt myself with things I had already dealt with... or so I thought. I am confused. I wish you had never shown me how deep love that is "returned" feels. knowing now how it feels and the crazy lengths I've gone through to learn all about you and how obsessed I am and how in love I am--- I know I made the right decision a long time ago marrying someone I didn't love. It was safe. I made the wrong one in divorcing him for you. Now here I am... alone. Depressed. But thanks a lot for the one hour a week. I eat it up, but it leaves me empty.

love,
your client whom you think isn't crazy

PS: How do I stop obsessing over people? You aren't exactly the first.
PPS: How do I stop seeing you without going so far off the deep end I drown?
PPPS: I blame you. Why did you have to be so nice and caring. Why did you call me when I didn't call you first just to see how I was doing? Why did you keep encouraging me to call outside of session even though I didn't? Eventually I did. I couldn't stand being apart. Why did you manipulate me into feeling like I was special to you when I am really client number 345245825348594? Why did you make me dependent and obsessed? Sometimes I think you knew exactly what you were doing. All I came to you for was a little help with an easy fix. Now years have passed and what I have become is pathetic. Why did you stop calling? Are you bored with me now? Ready to move on to the next? I'll never be able to leave.
PPPPS: I know it was my fault.
PPPPPS: Please Don't Terminate Me

Dear T,

I know that I have been talking about one particular issue for the past year. I just cannot seem to find any resolution to this hurt. When people in your past betray, reject, and abandon you without any warning or reason that you know of, it changes who you are.

I know that you want me to be free from this pain, but I don't know how to let this go. Believe me, I want to! I have been hurting about this for 14 years. I know that this is childish drama and I need to grow up and get over this.

Maybe we can stop talking about it. I don't mean just put it on the back burner for awhile like you suggested. I mean let this go forever. Just accept that it happened, it hurt me, I will never understand why she did what she did, and learn to deal with the hurt better than I have been.

If you see me start to cry in our session, will you please just redirect me to another topic? Don't let me sit there and process those emotions. They can't be processed it. They need to be ignored because nothing that you or I do is going to make this any better.

You know that this particular situation hurts me more than anything else that has happened to me in my life. I know that you think I need to keep working through this, but I don't want to. It does no good anymore. I hate this person for what she did and I cannot forgive her at this time. I know that you tell me I need to forgive her so that I can be free from the pain.

I don't know how to forgive her.

Squiggle

Dear T

I just feel this is weird so i dont tell you but I want you to know. Everytime i go into my kitchen or bedroom I am hit with anxiety because of the windows, I worry that I will be shot in a driveby. That my neighborhood is safe doesnt relieve this anxiety. What relieves it is the thought "thats ok, i want to be dead anyway."

Dear T - I wish you weren't with me 24/7 and I could get a little peace from it all now and again.

Dear T,
I ran into my old T.

I now understand why you are the way you are, and she is the way she is, and I so very much appreciate YOU! Thanks for today... what you didn't say meant almost as much as what you did...

to my therapist,

I know I thanked you after my session but I want to say it again. . . .



I so appreciate your patience and guidance.

Dear T,

I really hope you never find this site, read this tread, and figure out it is ME posting. But, if you do, will you promise to tell me?

The only thing worse than having you know everything I've said about my experience of being in therapy with you, would be you knowing everything I've said without being able to discuss it with you.

Love,
Scorpio Sis