Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Peaches:

I'm afraid you will tell me that it's not going to help me to "feel good" with you. I know that comes from the opinions of my former Ts, but it's a strong fear. It's why I keep asking you if you're going to take "holding hands" away from me and you keep saying "no" but I'm not sure if I believe you. I know you do therapy differently from my other Ts and you believe in physical contact with you, and doing things like walking together outside. But I also know you change your mind a lot. PLEASE don't change your mind about how you're treating me. We both know that I'm progressing, though slowly. I can't help still needing you and wishing therapy could be about you and me. But, I know it can't be, yet we can have a strong, close relationship. I FEEL that we have that, and it won't change! I trust you. Being able to bring my H in was a huge step for me, to be able to share you. I hope you realize that in spite of still wanting you to love the child part of me and comfort her. I am accepting that I love you too, though I mostly write it and can't say it out loud. PLEASE stay safe and healthy for me so I can have therapy with you for a long time. I'll never want another T now that I found you. Never.

She changes her mind a lot? That's terrible. What does she say when you point that out to her when you say you can't believe that she won't change how she's treating you?

skysblue, she said we always have to "reevaluate" when she decided it wasn't good for either of us when she used to answer all of my emails. Other than that, it's not so much changing her mind as being flexible. That's a more accurate description. If something doesn't work, she'll stop. If it does work, okay and good. She thought we couldn't do EMDR about an incident, then she "changed her mind" after she thought about it. That didn't bother me. I don't think she'll change her mind about holding my hand. If she does, I know it would be because she "reevaluated."

Dear T,
I want you to know that I am scared of you and the things i think about when in therapy. Memories and flashbacks scare me and I don't believe them. I want you to think I am lying and it is not true and tell me why I make things up.

Dear T that I was once referred to,

Do you remember me? Do you remember me calling up your office and setting an appointment with you? Do you remember you telling me your outrageous fee if I wanted to see you? Do you know what that did to me? Can your heartless soul even gather what that made me feel like? Did you happen to know that I was suicidal at the time and felt that you were my last hope?

You and your outrageous fee almost made me give up ALL hope. You were pretty much my last hope, but your greedy fee made me have to turn away. You are truly disgusting. You call yourself a CHRISTIAN???? THAT makes me even more sick to my stomach. I am a Christian too and we HELP people, SELFLESSLY. Yes, you have to charge a fee to survive, but yours was outrageous and ungodly. Yet you have the nerve to call yourself a Christian and go to church ! Do you really believe your own crap?????

I saw your web page online before I called you, so I happen to know what you look like, very unfortunately. And VERY unfortunately, you have sit near me a couple times at a symphony that I went to. You did not know who I was, but I knew who you were and all I wanted to do was spit on you, you disgusting thing ! I watched you a few times at the symphonies out of the corner of my eye and you TRULY are disgusting as a person. I have seen the nasty faces you make at people and you have like a permanently moody, snotty, stuck-up, b*tchy face about you. You make me sick. All I want to do is go over and spit on you. I won't do it though because I am better than that and that would only make me stoop to your disgusting level of existence. I see you had to take your psychotherapy web page down. Did you lose your business due to your greediness??? GOOD !!! Serves you right, creepy thing, you !

Anyways, I have moved on to find better people who are better qualified to help me for MUCH less. They are not even Christian, yet they are more Godly then you will EVER be. I am glad you lost your business, you have no business being a psychologist, you disgusting, hateful thing. Oh, and stop looking down at people at the symphonies. People see your nasty faces for them and one of these days someone is going to rearrange yours. Pssssttt.... Psychologist my foot !

dear t, this sucks, feeling like i need to go in but afraid to again. do we have a relationship? you have never said that we do. never even talk about it. maybe you don't want one with this patient due to the damage??? that is what i think sometimes. then i think you care and figure you must be crazier than i am. that is not a good feeling. five more days. do you know that everytime i am walking into your office i tell myself that this is the last time and i never have to go back if i don't want to. can we start making appts at the beginning of session or the end so i don't have to call please. please. thank you for letting me vent, ooops, oh yea, its your job to listen. you do well. and make all the right noises. thanks again

T... I'm suddenly afraid that if I let you in I will begin to hate you. And then you will see how awful I really am. I'm not good at love. -CoY

Dear T,

I am thinking about you tonight. Pondering just how far I have come in the past 16 months. I very proud of myself!

Squiggle

Dear T,

last week the cleaning people had locked all the doors to yr waiting room but one, and I had two choices: to sit outside on the steps in 97 degree heat for 20 minutes, or to wait in yr waiting area, with your other client so loud that I could clearly hear her. After 20 minutes of coughing, rattling papers, humming, talking to myself, anything to block her flow of words, you finally brought me into yr office and I was so rattled I was shaking, and I opened up on you, because I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HER PROBLEMS and the white noise machine you promised to get two months ago still isn't there. One more time I offered to buy you one, and you said no.... I'm sure I am not your quietest client myself, and I can't stand the thought of being overheard. It was the worst start of a session that I could imagine.

When I left, i had to go out that one door and walk all the way around that big building to my car - hot as blazes out, a long, long walk; and when i drove by your door, your car was already gone. I felt like you had escaped, had fled from me the minute I was out of your sight. are you sure you want to see me again?? whatever for??

Dear T,

I do not like this homework assignment. Why do you think I struggle with relationships? Why do we have to continually go to my 'past'? Things that happened 30+ years ago cannot have that much affect on me now. Why do you think they do?

I just want to stop talking about my past. Can we leave that alone and stay in the present? I know that you think I am still hurting from things in my past. So what? What has that got to do with anything that I am going through now?

I know you think that if I still get emotional about those things, there is more to work through. Are you sure about that? Do you know how silly I feel talking with you about things that happened when I was just a kid? Well, I feel stupid!! That's how I feel. I feel like I am making a fool of myself!!

Squiggle

Dear T,
I admit now that I could benefit from DBT. I appreciate your willingness to do it with me after that psychologist strongly suggested I not come back...I feel though that if I am really to gain something from DBT, I should do it with a trained therapist. You are awesome, and you have helped me so much. I don't want to offend you by saying that I rather seeing a DBT specialist. I hope saying that I like the idea of doing a skills group will cover my real reason for delaying starting DBT with you. I love you, T. No hard feelings, ok?
Love,
Crazy

Dear T,

I wish I could have a hug, that you could hold me and not let go. I wish that you were my mom. I wish that you loved me the way i know you love your own kids. I wish I didn't feel jealous of them. I wish you would be in my life forever and that i never had to let you go.

luv Diz xxx

Dear T,

What if I can't do my homework and we don't have anything to talk about this week? I worry that you will end our session early. By that I mean, we won't go for 90 minutes. Lately two hours!! I don't want you to stop at 60 minutes, that is why I worry about not doing this assignment.

It causes me great anxiety if I think you won't let me stay the full 90 minutes. Even if I sit there and don't appear to have anything going on in my head, there is A LOT going on. I need that quiet time to process things. Please don't think I am just sitting there bored and wanting to leave. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I thought about making some signs to use during therapy when I feel that I cannot talk. Signs like: "I am processing something"...."I am sad about something"...."Please don't make me leave yet"....."I need you to help me open up"........"May I have a notepad and pen"....."Keep talking to me"....

Even if I act like I am mad or angry at you, I don't want to leave early. Even if I say I am leaving, don't believe me. If I don't get out what I need to in our session, my week will be hell.

Even if I turn my chair around and face the wall and totally tune you out, don't let that deter you from working with me during that session. If you dismiss me during that time, I will feel abandoned. I will feel rejected. I will feel that if I don't perform right, you don't want me there. This is something that you know I struggle with. Trying to please everyone. Trying to do everything right so that others don't get mad or disappointed with me.

I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to upset you. I want to be a 'good' client. I know that you told me to stop thinking like that. You keep telling me that the sessions are about me and not about you. You keep telling me that whatever I bring to the session is what we will work on. That you will meet me where I am when I come in.

I know that I shouldn't worry so much about this assignment and getting it done. Sometimes at the last minute the words come pouring out onto the pages and I have a lot to say. I actually do complete the assignment and the emotions are raw and honest.

Thank you for helping me so much this past year. We both know that I was a very resistant client and neither of us thought I would get to the point I am at now in therapy.

Squiggle

Help me not feel so much when I look into your eyes. Or, better yet, help me accept that it's okay to feel so much because we're a team and you're going to help me. I need you to help me make my RL as good as therapy. I need you to keep working with my parts who still want you, as well as my part who realizes I have to be in the real world. Don't abandon me but walk with me and hold my hand as we put the broken pieces of my heart back together. Let me stay in your heart as we do that. Please don't die before we do this, and don't let me die either. Help me get some of what I need from ___. How do I do that? I'll be totally honest with you if you only help me. Please.

Dear T,

I owe you so much for helping me get to this point in therapy. I never dreamed that this was possible. I really didn't even want this. Not sure what I wanted. I just wanted to 'feel' better.

I am sorry for all the times I told you that "talk therapy" was dumb/stupid, and that it wasn't going to help me one bit to just "talk" about stuff. Well, I was wrong. I am not sure how this "magical" thing happens in therapy, but it does.

Thank you for allowing me to email. I know that you keep saying it is not driving you crazy or upsetting you, but I know that it has to get on your nerves sometimes. I know that I probably said stupid things and you felt that I was wasting your time by sending such nonsense. Whatever ridiculous thing I said, was how I was feeling in that moment.

I know that you never get emotional during our sessions, but I wish you would sometime. Not sure why I want to see that side of you, but I do. Maybe it will help me to see you as more of a "real" person? How can a therapist just sit there emotionless when the person they are working with is hurting and grieving? I understand why you don't, but I wish you would. Just one time.

If I could tell you something face to face, I would tell you that I appreciate you more than you will ever know. I am sorry for all the times I was 'ugly' and probably said 'ugly' things to you. I know you don't take that personal, but it has to bother you at times when someone does that to you.

Like I said before, I know that God drew me here and to you. There is no doubt about that. Your 'ministry' as a therapist is far beyond what I ever thought it would be. Your compassion and caring is genuine. I even like the tough side of you as well. I am glad that you don't 'wimp out' on me when I get angry with you.

My selfish side does not want you to get too many clients. Since I was one of the first ones, it makes me think that I need to 'move over' or 'move out' to allow others to come in and receive help from you. I realize that you don't want me to think like that, but I do. I still have those words you wrote down for me: "If I need it, I deserve it. I am worth it." I want to believe that, but I am not there yet.

As sappy as this sounds, you mean a lot to me right now. I need you. I hate saying that. You know that I don't like to admit that, so I hope that you appreciate that I did! I know that I am sarcastic and say off the wall stuff. I think that for the most part, you 'get me' and can appreciate the wacky sense of humor that I bring to therapy. Like I said before, I think I will be a 'memorable client'.

That's about all I wanted to say. I wish that I could say this face to face with you, but that would be too embarrassing for me. I would probably start crying and not get the words out anyway.

Thank you for helping me,

Squiggle

Dear pdoc

meltdown is now imminent, but I don't want to make an appointment with you in case I come across as too needy and clingy. I realise its been over a month since I saw you or had any contact with you so if you read this can you please ring me to see how I am? It would mean I don't have to "put myself out there" yanno?

F

to my therapist,

I don't have words to tell you why I'm hurting so... how can you help me?

My dear T:

It pisses me off that I miss you as much as I do. You should have some sort of disclaimer or warning before people start therapy:

Caution: proceed with care, as you may develop strong feelings for your therapist, even though the relationship is completely one-sided. You're probably in therapy because part of you is sad and lonely, and sharing the most raw parts of you with another person (a person who is paid to act like they care about you, but you can't get very close to this person due to professionalism and bounderies) can lead to major emotional confusion.
Sucks to be you! Oh, and be sure to pay your bill and be on time to sessions.

- Winter

Dear T,
I know I said several times that I do not upset when you don't always respond to my text messages, phone calls, and emails because I don't expect response. Sometimes though I do really need you, and I wonder why you have recently begun to ignore most of my contact. It disappoints me and hurts my feelings. Are you that busy? Are you trying to change the boundaries? Ever since you returned from your vacation, you've been different!
Sad,
Crazy

I know exactly how you feel. I have been in therapy for about 16 months now. I am just now getting to the point that I can accept this part of therapy. It hurts like heck when you are struggling with the therapeutic relationship.

This does not mean that I won't go through this type of hurt again. I sure hope that I don't!! I hope that I have finally come to a comfort level (trust) with my therapist that I feel she does genuinely care and she is in this profession because she loves helping people.

I still do not understand how they can do this day in and day out knowing how much some of their clients are hurting because of the bond that they tried to get us to have with them.

Dear T,
I know I said several times that I do not upset when you don't always respond to my text messages, phone calls, and emails because I don't expect response. Sometimes though I do really need you, and I wonder why you have recently begun to ignore most of my contact. It disappoints me and hurts my feelings. Are you that busy? Are you trying to change the boundaries? Ever since you returned from your vacation, you've been different!
Sad,
Crazy

i hate it.

Dear T,

I am scared to death this morning because i broke down and sent you an email last week and said i love you and am sad because you can't be my mom and that i want you to hold my hand for 1-2 minutes!!! I can't believe i said that!! It was a weak moment, and I'm scared now! I feel too vulnerable! I don't know if i can let you hold my hand after all. i know you're getting ready to be gone for 2 weeks also, and i don't want to feel attached if it is going to make your absence feel worse. My husband has been wanting to come to my sessions for a while now. Maybe i should bring him this week so i don't have to deal with all these attachment and abandonment feelings. I know it's a cop-out but i feel scared now that i said so much. . .

PS - I don't want to feel or seem so needy. If my husband comes, we won't talk about how i will feel when you are gone, or how it triggers me, or anything like that. I will stay in my adult mind and just shut off the child-like feelings that seem to "mess up" my therapy.