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#1
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One time I felt strong disapproval from T. She didn't say anything (I just felt it) and I wasn't even conscious of it at the time.
A couple of weeks later I said to her that I knew she was mad at me. She admitted it was true and it was because I was acting like a belligerent teenager, she said. Was it right for her to say that to me? Isn't a T supposed to try to understand what my behavior meant and try to help me figure it out? Shouldn't she have asked, 'what's going on? Let's talk about it?" Instead, I felt it, we ignored it and moved on with other stuff. I'm still having a hard time getting past this. This happened weeks ago and I brought it up to T just recently as a reason why I still can't trust her 100%. She admitted she made a mistake and said that she's human. But how can I relax when I think she might again judge me poorly by how I act? By the way, what I had done was walk into session listening to my iPod and kept plugged in about 15 seconds longer to finish the song. My feelings were at high gear at that time and I was trying to control them by listening to some music. I felt raw and I was so confused. But then, getting that 'vibe' from T just shut me down. |
![]() Dr.Muffin, WePow
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#2
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Your T is a human being, they are going to have feelings just like we do. They may not always be able to hide those feelings. My T was hard on me once and a couple of sessions later I told her how I felt and she apologized, but I think I would have been OK even if she hadn't. I mainly just want to be "heard" in therapy. It doesn't matter to me if she agrees with everything I say or does everything "perfect". The fact that she is human makes me feel more comfortable in sessions. This is how I feel, I hope you can find a way to work through your feelings and resolve the issue with her.
__________________
Bipolar Disorder I, PTSD, GAD When it is darkest, we can see the stars. –Ralph Waldo Emerson |
![]() skysblue
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#3
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Part of trusting your T is understanding and accepting her as a fallable human being who will at times make mistakes. There are NO guarantees with anyone in this world that they won't screw up from time to time. And no one will approve of us 100% of the time. That doesn't mean they don't care about us, but let's face it, we all drive people up the wall every once and a while. That's okay. We have the ability to move past it and continue with our relationships. That's trust and acceptance.
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#4
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Allow your T to make those mistakes. My T has made tons of little mistakes like this and I allow myself to be hurt by them (because it hurts). But I also allow myself to be honest about them - the way you are being. If you feel that the air is still not clear on this (which it shows it is still hurting you) than tell her about it.
There are roots to how the response triggered you. And I think it is worth the energy to examine those roots. You can both look into the situation without any malice towards the people involved in the situation. I learned how to do this after a "small" rupture with my T by going into session and saying "I need to talk with you about my T. But today you can't be my T." You deserve to address this issue. You can benifit from what you learn because of it. Ts will make mistakes. A good T has the ability to use the mistakes as a way to allow the client even deeper insight. |
![]() learning1, skysblue
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#5
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My first T taught me to always ask what can I learn from this experience?
__________________
![]() Hiding Hurts, Sharing Helps ![]() |
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#6
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This is hampering my ability to go forward. One of my main issues is 'getting into trouble' and I have already 'gotten into trouble' with T. So, how can I really let myself relax and access those really really tough emotions when she might get mad at me again? That is too terrifying to face.
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#7
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I, too, have huge fears of 'getting into trouble'. When I feel like I'm in trouble, I completely bottom out. It means I'm bad. And it spirals from there. But I've learned, and am continuing to learn at times, that just because someone gets upset with us about something, it doesn't mean that we are forever marked 'bad'. It's just human nature that something rubs us the wrong way at times.
I know with my history, when I most often 'got in trouble' was by people who were completely unhealthy and abusive. So any wrong move meant there was indefinite punishment and labeling of 'bad'. But this is NOT the case with persons that are healthy, or with T. When T upset me, or I upset her, we can apologize and she lets it go. I can't. I feel like I'm forever indebt because of this 'bad deed'. But she is not consequencing me any longer, I'm consequencing myself because that's what my past taught me to do. She may get mad at you again, you may get mad at her again. The difference is with T now, she won't hold it against you forever. She is able to acknowledge it, apologize, let it go and move forward. Which is why I hope that you can learn that it is ok to relax and show emotions. Because you need to trust that even if someone gets mad, she/you/both can work through it and go forward without forever labeling. Try to take the blame out of it - of who's fault it is - it's not productive. It causes bad feelings inside when we try to place blame instead of thinking it is what it is. Neither good nor bad, right wrong, my fault or her fault. ((hugs)) |
![]() Hope-Full, rainbow_rose, Sannah, skysblue
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#8
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
GROWS. Quote:
My first reaction to this is simply, she's not your mother? (i.e., I hear my T saying, "I'm not mummy, I don't act like that, I don't treat you that way.") My 2nd reaction is that, those first few moments ARE a hot button for T's, and coming where we come from, respecting our T's is a HUGE step. As much as I ADORE my T, respect for him only came recently. So I think this is something that is just going to have to "float" like the emotion stuff you wrote about. So maybe what you're asking - is she good enough? Yeah, it sounds like it to me. Esp since she was so open and truthful and descriptive about the ipod incident. AND she remembered it - a lot of my T's have said, you shoulda brought it up THEN, I don't REMEMBER! Last edited by unaluna; Aug 21, 2011 at 02:45 PM. |
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#9
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Quote:
The problem, though, for me is that I am being asked to put my heart out there exposed and raw and expected to handle now the very thing that terrifies me so much. What if she takes a 2x4 to my heart again? How can I risk that? I can intellectualize that I should but my fear is just too strong. |
#10
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There is a lot of risk to being vulnerable, no doubt.
When I've faced this, the image I have is that I am handing my T pristine glass that has already been shattered several times by others, that is being held together delicately. There are times she has dropped it. Sometimes it feels like she's dropped it then stomped on it for good measure. But at times I have to reframe that in my head, because whenever it's dropped, she is always the one there helping me piece it back together. She's always trying to make it stronger than it was before. She never intended to drop it, or 'stomp on it', but it is SO fragile, sometimes the pieces slip between her fingers. But every time she's the one "on the floor" with me helping me get it back together. You're right. It's absolutely a risk to take to put your heart out there, when it's already raw and bruised. She may drop it. But you have to ask yourself: What am I gaining from this? An example (tho maybe a poor one) is when we learn to ride our bike, what happens? Mom gets us on there, holds on, and sometimes lets us go and...... ka-splat. She let go sooner than she said, she accidently aimed us right towards a tree, etc. We get bruises, and sores, and quite upset. But, do we stop trying to ride forever? Because the pay off to keep going is one day, you will ride on your own and have that sense of freedom without 'training wheels'. Is the potential pay off worth the risk? |
![]() Hope-Full, learning1, skysblue
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#11
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Stormy - you're so right. My T is still there with me and she has affirmed over and over she's not going to drop me.
But, I'm wondering one thing. Of course, we know all about transference and counter-transference. Whatever I did triggered something in my T's emotions. Would it be helpful to me to find out why she was triggered? For example, does she have teenagers at home and has she had to struggle with handling her teenagers? Or whatever it is, it seems to me I would feel better if I knew what it was exactly that triggered her to react that way. Or would it not really help? idk |
#12
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I don't know... I would be concerned that asking (or answering) that question may lead to more problems.
If she said something like, "Well, I responded that way because I had to deal with 3 teenagers before you came in that all constantly kept their iPod on during session and felt disrespected so when you came in with it plugged in I felt frustrated". (I'm just making something up) I would be concerned that you would attempt to focus on how NOT to be like any of her teenagers (clients, family, friends, or otherwise) and analyze your behaviors as 'good' or 'bad' trying to please your T. When it's really not about her... She explores her behaviors/reactions elsewhere, like consultation, supervision, or something. Plus, she already admitted she made a mistake and apologized. She recognizes her actions towards you, and I think that is what's most important. |
![]() Sannah, skysblue
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#13
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Stormy, yes I see your point. I've already asked T to give me a list of everything that makes her 'mad' so I can be sure not to do that. I told her that I also realize that that is a silly request and does not allow me to practice real life scenarios if her office is 'too safe'.
You know, the whole concept of UPR is nice in theory but it can't possibly play out in reality because, guess what, T's are human. But I really like your analogy of picking up the pieces of the glass together. That image will really help me. Thank you for that. |
#14
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Quote:
Is my T good enough? She's great. I really really need to get back to trusting her 100%. She had asked me if all the trust we had built up together could not withstand the withdrawal that had taken place. Like a bank account still having a large deposit is not emptied by that withdrawal. That's the image I need to also put in my brain. |
#15
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My T has told me that one of the things that everyone has to learn is that people can't take your power. They can throw stuff at you, but only you can give up your power. When you decide to feel "in trouble" you are letting that little kid you take over and handing over your power. The most important thing to remember is that when people throw stuff at you, you don't have to take it, you can say "no thanks". By letting her know how you felt you were allowing yourself to feel that way, but by continuing to walk in fear of that "getting into trouble" you're letting your little kid drive. You're an adult, you cannot "get into trouble" with your therapist. Yes you are raw and vulnerable but look at how much you've been through, you're a survivor, not a victim anymore.
__________________
Bipolar Disorder I, PTSD, GAD When it is darkest, we can see the stars. –Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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#16
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Quote:
1). i've met beligerent teenagers, and that was HARDLY beligerent 2). i think that part of what a therapist is supposed to do is make clients aware of how they may be perceived by others. i think tha is a very important part of the work of therapy. 3). the way she presented this to you was...lets say, less than stellar. i can understand hesitance to reveal anymore of yourself 4). i think its worth having this discussion if she can be open, but the response you got before felt to me a bit defensive on her part (that could be in the retelling, i know) |
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#17
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I don't think you have to trust a therapist 100%. Therapists are human and everyone makes mistakes and even has the capacity to misunderstand another person.
If you trust someone 100% you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You have to have some trust but you also have to be able to question the therapist at any time. Open Eyes |
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#18
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Her saying that was about her.
She was saying "I can't tolerate it when other person acts in ways that I perceive as being like a belligerent teenager." I think she could have thought about her reaction more before speaking, and asked herself where that's coming from and what it's about. When you asked her later, seems like she could have had more to say about it: asked what your perception was about how you were acting, etc. Therapy can be a hard balance: letting yourself be vulnerable and learning through these kinds of situations how others might be seeing us. I think it needs to be talked about more because it's not settled with you. |
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#19
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So, I guess I should bring it all out into the open, huh? Man, that's going to be a tough session. I suppose I should definitely take a klonopin beforehand. I can't imagine what the repercussions are going to be. This is too scary...
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#20
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In my mind it 'looks' like a session where you are curious (about the other session) and would like to know more.
Like you turning the tables on your T and asking her to "say more about that". ![]() |
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#21
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((((((((Sky))))))))))) seems like there's a few things the two of you need to discuss and try and work through ..... repercussions are hopefully that things are easier between you? right!
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#22
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So, I'm thinking of reading something like this to her. If I just do it spontaneous, I will forget what I want to say or lose my courage. The thing about my T though is that she is so so so nice. When I believed that she was 'mad' at me, it felt worse than when a few weeks later she explained it. At the time her explanation was so comforting and soothing. At the time I accepted it and was glad she shared that with me. At the time, she was so gentle and kind that it all seemed o.k. It's just 'later' though that I can't shake it.
"T - I need to talk to you about something that is still bothering me. You even mentioned it last week. You asked, "is it about the iPod? Are you still not over that?" I can't remember what I said because there were a lot of things going on at the time. Anyways, I'm scared to talk to you about this because I'm scared you're going to get mad again. You keep trying to reassure me that I'm not too much for you but the very fact that you reacted against my actions with iPod shows that, indeed, there are some things that I do that are too much for you. Now, the iPod incident was relatively minor in comparison to other things I've done - like expressing my anger and showing my sarcasm. How do I know for sure what you can handle? And what does 'handle' mean anyways? You say it's best that all parts of me show up in session. Well, you know as well as I do that some of those parts are not pretty. Actually, they're quite ugly and who wants to meet them? Not me. And, although you say that you do, because of the iPod incident it's hard for me to believe you. So, tell me please how I can get past that? You say that you're human and I honestly do believe you ![]() I want you to try to understand me. I would love to understand you too but because of boundaries, I will never have that opportunity. So, it's a one-way street and I'm the one who's risking everything. The iPod incident is just one of the episodes in our relationship that has cracked the trust container. I wish there were a way that I could understand better why you thought I was acting like a belligerent teenager and even if I were, why would that make you mad? I appreciate that you have already apologized but for some reason I need to understand better what happened. Or is there another way you can help me move past this blockage? I really need your help in this and I pray I'm not making you mad again. It scares me that we may be entering a confrontational relationship and I really really really don't want that." |
![]() Sannah
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#23
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I just have to say it feels weird to me that part of a therapist's job would be to let the client know how they are "perceived by others" because a therapist doesn't KNOW. All they know is what they've seen in session and how they view it is so highly subjective that i think it just leads to problems. Every T is allowed to have things they won't tolerate but the effective way to communicate that might be "please don't do that in therapy." To make it a character thing is a little upsetting to me. Ok this is a personal bent but my T's saying "you are really introverted so sometimes I can't connect to you" really hurt for instance, because it almost feels like it's setting that up as a reason NOT to treat the person respectfully or saying you can only do therapy if you are kind of perfect in this way that is important to me (the T). I dunno!
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#24
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LOL skysblue, a Klonipin before the next session? (((((((skysblue)))))))
ECHOES is right (((((Echoes))))) good post. You did get an appology from the therapist and that was a good exchange, she admitted she was too harsh and misjudged you, which sounds like more than your mother would have ever conceded. So you learned to call her out when you felt she was unfair in her comment about you and she agreed. You have to remember that she is not your mother and other women are not you mother either. So, while you are used to someone who constantly overpowers you (your Mother) not all people are like that and you DO have the right and ability to call them out for misjudging you and still get back on track with a mutual relationship where you can aquire more guidance. And that is why I wanted you to understand that you cannot expect 100% accuracy out of others and just hand them 100% trust. But you also have to learn that you are not in a battle with your mother where you are the low man in every interaction with others. Your mother did you no favors as she ruled no matter what, so you have to repair that part of yourself that she impressed upon you. You did good, you expressed your displeasure about the judgement you received and you learned you CAN do that. I think what your really questioning is if you "Really did do it". Because you never accomplished that with your mother. The answer is yes you did, roll the dice and move forward, Yeah, you did do it. Open Eyes |
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#25
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I think the letter you want to read to your T is direct and to the point. I can understand wanting to ask the questions you're asking.
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